Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel…
Queasy. Even though I’ve known this announcement was coming for a couple of weeks, seeing it glowing ominously on my CRT this morning, it still feels like a sharp shot to the gut, and makes it all too real.
So whether this site exists until the end of the week or the end of the season, to steal from the “Naked Gun”, I feel like I’ve swallowed a gallon of Clorox…I’m cleaned out but I’m all hollow inside. The truth is, I feel like I’m writing a eulogy for a dear friend.
Debating the stupidity of one of a zillion legal masturbations that the organization known as Major League Baseball practices chronically is a waste of breath and effort. Much like telling Sue S. to think about what she types before she brings it, or trying to give Fredia online typing lessons, you’re only going to piss your self off. I don’t think everyone here has the combined bandwidth to make a difference (unless, as rumored, Uncle Draytie does read this board, in which case, I doubt he’s doing me any favors), and I don’t fool myself into thinking that MLB would give a shit about the thousands of registered users or the tens of thousands of people who lurk here and at other fan sites trying to get unsanitized Astros news. So I’m not going to waste any more energy doing so. If you’d like to tilt against the windmills, go here and Quixote the night away, Mr. Wang Chung.
Anyway, back to what I was typing about.
That’s great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane and Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn – world serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs.
Nearly 6 years ago, I was a regular on ClutchCity.net (nee .com) and was looking for some place similar to talk about the Astros. I was really frustrated because the only thing I could really find was the UseNet. If you haven’t been in a while, go check it out. It still sucks ass, just more like Divine Brown and less like Traci Lords. I hated ESPN, and I hated the Astros.com message boards mainly because they were heavily moderated and just chock full of the fan boy jerkoffs who were full of great ideas like “Let’s bring Nolan back” and “Asstrs RULZES” and “LIVE ANIMAL PORN only $.99 per minute!” (There is no truth to the rumor that this is the first place I met Alkie.)
There was no disclaimer on the TalkZone at that point…you know the one that no one listens to, about lurking for a while and not showing your ass the first day you surf to the site. So I watched for about an hour, and read things posted by Billy, Michael N., Prince of Heck, Pyro, Tom S. JB, and Kevin and Scott. Yes…really. Scott actually posted…a lot. There were also two opinion columns, and oh my stars and garters, most of the folk seemed to know what they were talking about. Except for me. I realized pretty early on that my baseball knowledge paled in comparison to a lot of these folks. I realized this when my first post of any repute was something along the lines of “Sean Berry is the best clean-up hitter the Astros have had since Franklin Stubbs.” If the barometric pressure changes too rapidly, the scars on my ass still tingle from that little tongue lashing. From that point on, the site and my obsession with it grew like unchecked mold on sheet rock, and I was so happy to have a home away from home on the net.
Wire in a fire, represent the seven games a government for hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped. Look at that low playing! Fine, then.
Along the way, I’ve personally had some great things happen to me directly because of this site. Most importantly, I think, have been the friendships. I met Michael N. at a game against the Mets in August of 1998 somewhere in the Rainbow seats of the Astrodome. I know from checking later that the Astros lost that game and someone that looked like a porn star (Mike Piazza, maybe?) hit a huge, huge shot…but I was far to busy trading quips and barbs with the soon to be minor league expert…over many beers.
I think the next best moment (maybe 1a) was the night before the 1999 Fan Fest. This was the night I first met the Calbert boys. After about 4-5 pitchers apiece of Shiner Bock to go along with way too much queso, I somehow conned them into creating what soon became Bleacher Rap which soon became Zipper Flap (I want the jack in the box graphic.) At least that’s what I tell myself…I was busy having too much trouble breathing from laughing so hard that entire evening. And the next day was still the best Fan Fest I had ever attended…especially with all the Alan Ashby smack being directed at me. It was my first and only time on the Diamond Vision screen, and frankly was something of a dream come true for a kid growing up in Houston.
And who could forget the softball games and the times at the Dome and SRO on Gessner. To everyone I got to meet because of this site, it’s truly been a pleasure. To everyone I haven’t, well, where did the time go?
AC.com and especially the TZ have been like a family to me. It’s so incredible to find people that you respect and enjoy working with towards a common goal…that of course being Global Dominance of the Internet. I like to think that a couple of times we actually accomplished that. But regardless, finding a place that was filled with people who loved the Astros at least as much I had my entire life was a rare and precious thing. I doubt any efforts could reproduce the magic, fun and all out balls to the wall attitude (NTTAWWT) that this site possessed at its peak. I’d like to think that at least in some small way, I was a part of what helped the site grow and achieve that.
Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it’ll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered in the right – right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.
This next little bit is going to sound like an infomercial, but since I found AC.com, I’ve rode the start-up dragon, moved to Austin, got an incredible job, dated my “dream-girl”, got dumped by my “dream-girl”, was a male slut for a couple of months, got a hair piece that I could swim, hike and bike in, my skin cleared up, I’ve lost weight, my stars aligned, met an actual woman, got married, and am waiting on the arrival of my first son, Jacob. I’m going to have a real regret that AC might not be around to post on when he’s finally born. I’ve wanted to get the congrats posts for a few years now, and I’m entirely bummed that I might not get to post his name, weight and length on the TZ.
In other words, life has happened, and a lot of it is a direct result of AC.com. I guess one of the few positive things about AC shutting down is I may actually get work done now. I think if I had to be honest, I’ve been getting work done for a while, because I feel like some of that UseNet attitude has permeated the TZ. Of course, every time I get really turned off of the board, someone (usually pravata or No?) posts something brilliant, and I go back to reading.
Six o’clock – TV hour. Don’t get caught in foreign towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn. Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down. Watch your heel crush, crushed. Uh oh, this means no fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline.
So to the few of you who have read this far, thanks. Thanks for thinking I had something worthwhile to say, not only now, but also for the past few years. Kevin has always insisted that I get a good number of hits when I actually write a column, but I always chalked that up to people trying to make sense of my typos and poor sentence structure.
And to a few people in particular…
Michael N…I think part of your greatness lies in the fact that you aren’t Gary Listen, but without a doubt, you’ve made coming here a true pleasure, whether through your epic battles with POH and Landestoy to just being a great guy.
Jim R…Despite (or maybe because of) the fact that you made “WFW” and “Fuck Off!” everyday parts of the lexicon around here, I have always appreciated your invaluable “non-stat based” baseball insight, and your ability to call a spade a spade (or a Big K a freakin idiot). And thank you for “Nash, She’s fucking huge!”
Breedlove…Even though you’re one of the MIAs around here recently, I think you’ve consistently been one of the most realistic and most brilliant contributors to the site. Probably the second most intelligent poster to…
pravata…I don’t recall anyone else having a style of posting attributed to him. Well, except for…
Queen B / Sue S….Even though you’re quite insane these days, you’ve given me so much ammunition over the past several years, that I think you’re the poster most responsible for my MVP campaign.
Hetero Doxy…Clayton, I used to know all of the names you’ve posted under. I think every board has to have a “Jackass you love to hate”. I think in hindsight, you always played that role to perfection. You made this site a place to come, just to see what you were going to do next. Who knew it was part of a personality disorder?
Tom Berenger…For being the “street-wise ________ who comes in and kicks a little ass” in so many films. You’ve truly been an inspiration.
Limey…Thanks for proving to me that the British aren’t nearly as bad as the French.
Jeff Bagwell…For not smiling once in the 11 years I’ve been watching you play baseball.
Holly….Thanks for getting on my nerves like no other. It’s truly a skill, and truth be told, you’ve been a perfectly nice person, if a bit on the manipulative side.
BMORTEE…For being my first true smack down. If I hadn’t been able to destroy you so completely in such record time, someone might have challenged one of my really whack opinions more often. (The absence of such challenges had caused more than a few looks of confusion on Jim R.’s face.)
BudGirl…For being voice of estrogen infused wisdom in the wilderness of whacked out chicks.
Alyssa Milano…For, well, being such a white hot babe. I’m glad that hockey player made you get the implants. It made the spanking much nicer.
AZ’s Lackey…Thanks for being my lackey and for eating my wife’s leftovers.
Alkie…Thanks for being the first person to overreact about everything baseball. You rock. And she’s never coming back. I hope Uncle Groin-pull doesn’t visit you anytime soon. (The sad thing here is I actually took relationship advice from Alkie…once. Thanks for listening to all of that, too.)
Arky Vaughan…For being one of the few rational stat geeks I’ve ever met. You are a breath of fresh air, without being the wind traveling from my ass.
Noé…For the best Tony Eusebio imitation I’ve ever read. And for the roadtrip stories about breakfast cereals.
TXRascal…For the ice chest that I finally got from Nash. And because you went to Tech and I think that’s precious.
Spam E-mailers…Thanks for making me think that Alkie is sending me a new offer for pre-approved Home Mortgages or Incest Sex videos everyday.
Lug…Thanks for thinking the whole “Watch me be slick with this chick” thing was funny.
Shiner Bock …For being the subject of the longest threads in TZ history and the fuel of my Personal Quest. I have to remember to save that page to show my son someday.
Jose Lima …For continuing to give me smack to talk about you. You big sack of shit you.
The other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein, Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right.
And finally, Kevin and Scott…Thanks for giving the Astros fans across the Universe a chance and a place to come together and fight like hell. You guys should be given lifetime ducets for the dedication and love you’ve put into this site. You probably should also be committed for getting me hooked up with a press pass of any sort, never mind one to a major league stadium. Despite what any former employees feel, this has been the number one destination for Astros information both historical and hysterical for the past 6 years. This place is going to be talked about for a long time and missed for even longer. Thanks for giving us a home, for making us laugh, for making us think, for making Charlie Kerfeld’s head do that, all of it.
And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.