With one more day of Grapefruit League and a couple more warm-ups at the AFUS to go, things are pretty well set with the Astros. As I type, the only decision left to be made by the club is between Linebrink and Stone for the final bullpen slot. But wait! What’s that noise? That’s the clamoring of minor league scrubs all over Florida: begging for one shot at “Set it up on a” Tee J. Mathews. They want to earn slots on their clubs too, and an at-bat against Tee J. is the quickest way to impress a manager.
This guy is only earmarked for the Astros because of his guaranteed money. He’s now pitching worse than C.J., has been doing so for longer, and he doesn’t even have the benefit of C.J’s left-handedness. He flat out sucks. I know we’ve only seen him in Spring Training, but how much more do we need to see? He’s pitched 14 innings and given up a very symmetrical 14 earned runs. His latest disaster occurred when he gave up a titanic, three-run stinker to a Bravo prospect who is the size of Gary Coleman and makes DB’s spring output (’til now) look positively studley. Cut him! Rip! Rend! Tear!
K-Mart Sucks
Meanwhile, in calmer waters, Everett has been named shortstop and Ausmus/Zaun designated as the #2 hitters. I like it a lot. Everett may not get to steal very much at #8, but his much vaunted defense will be of great comfort to pitchers and fans alike. Lugo will likely sub at SS and 2B quite a lot, if Jimmah’s rep. is justified, so he’ll get his PT. Ausmus and Zaun should be able to match Lugo’s output in the #2 hole whilst being better contact hitters. No, I do not want to discuss the relative impact of double plays vs. strike outs.
The Astros O’ has been cruising along. Every projected starter is batting above .270, and a number of them are hitting well in excess of that. The run producers in the heart of the order have been smoking the ball, and I think we can look forward to a decent run output from this club. Ensberg is a bit of an “x” factor, but if he can keep a reasonable OBP going, which is his rep. I don’t think there’ll be too much to worry about there. Bagwell, Berkman, Ward, Hidalgo will absolutely kill pitchers – I can just feel it!
I’m an Excellent Driver
Speaking of which, the pitching (other than the aforementioned roadkill) is looking very nice too. Wagner’s reversion to a Gas Can has me worried, but eye-witness reports from Florida say that he’s been messing with a cutter. Well Billy, I think it’s time you ditched that crap and started tuning up your money pitches… errr….pitch. Hernandez had a rough outing yesterday against a full-strength Bravo line up, and I think we have to expect that. Last year, a 5IP, 5ER outing would have been an improvement for Carlos’ fellow countryman who was the Astros’ #2 (in both sense of the word) starter.
The pen will shuffle and reshuffle as Matthews gets cut (it’s inevitable, IMO), Brocail, Cruz and Pichardo recover from injury and the younger guys throughout the organization pitch themselves into and out of the big league bullpen. A solid starting 4, plus a high-ceiling prospect at #5, plenty of starting back-ups and role players galore will ensure that the Astros will not suffer the pitching meltdown of 2000 and early 2001. Jimmah will be hooking ’em like a Gloucesterman with a storm on his stern if they don’t perform.
Is It Safe?
Oh and two. Oh dear. Houston goes down (NTTAWWT) ignominiously to Austin once again. I was unable to show up this year as the organizer saw fit to change the date specifically to preclude my attendance. But I’m not bitter. After last year I think my bat-speed was improving, and I would’ve done some serious damage. I also had purchased an Biggioesque elbow pad to fend off any of Wild Dog’s puck-ass shit! Well, there’s always next year…
In case you’re wondering where I was, I was drinking it up on the slopes of Telluride and not thinking about you lot one bit. Oh, and if you want to moan about aches and pains, try playing that softball game three days in a row – at altitude – and then come and talk to me. I don’t know why my legs hurt so much, but I did read that when one is newly exposed to high altitude, one should avoid strenuous exercise for the first few days, avoid alcohol and drink plenty of water – especially if you are over 35. Oops!
Fashion tip: This week, I was mostly wearing North Face.
My next column should arrive sometime into the regular season. Suffice to say that I am buzzed about the coming campaign. I hope to have plenty to talk about, and have been stockpiling whack takes and knee-jerk reactions throughout the winter. So I shall end with that time honored phrase:
Gentlemen! Start your…umm…balls?