Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
You know that horrible defining moment clich? that pops up in sports? You know the one… “When a defining moment occurs, either you define the moment or the moment defines you.” Surely you’ve seen it on high school locker room bulletin boards, or perhaps on the t-shirt of that guy living under a freeway trying to sell you a newspaper. The Astros are about to face one of those defining moments.
To this point, the absolute worst performing players still in camp have been T.J. Mathews and C.J. “God loves a left-hander” Nitkowski. And while it’s never made sense to me that a team with the self-imposed budget constraints that Houston has would give a player like Mathews guaranteed money, I usually defer to Gerry Hunsicker on these types of decisions. He just might have a little bit more information than I do about a player and the situations surrounding the team.
But it’s a struggle to figure out exactly what role Mathews fits, or what he even brings to the team, other than, of course, the smell of a veteran. Does he play a mean game of cards? Can he make radish rosettes? Does he help Dave Lebosier get those tough stains out of the uniforms? It’s got to be something like this, because there’s nothing else.
Mathews had what looks by all accounts to be his last hoorah in 2001. He’s a crap-throwing right-hander with no particular history of success. At least Nitkowski has the good sense to pretend to be able to throw with his other hand. There are any number of cheap hard-throwing right-handers (Scott Linebrink, Tim Redding, Brad Lidge, Brandon Puffer to name 4) who could do as good a job for a fraction of the cost. I have to believe that the only thing keeping him alive is that magic word, guaranteed.
I hold out hope that the Astros are going to do the right thing and cut him before the season starts. I know that they’d have to eat the contract, but they have in the recent past with my personal role model, Dave Clark, Jack Howell (although a settlement was reached) and Charlie Hayes.
Besides, with the help of D.A.S., doesn’t Hipolito Pichardo provide enough veteran odor for the whole team?
Around the league…
Derek Bell, in a fit of absolute idiocy said he’ll go into “Operation Shutdown” and won’t risk injuring himself if the Piroots make Droopy compete this year. “Nobody told me I was in competition. If there is competition, somebody better let me know. If there is competition, they better eliminate me out of the race and go ahead and do what they’re going to do with me. I ain’t never hit in spring training and I never will.
Bell then stamped his foot and started to hold his breath, which was difficult since he was still talking.
“If it ain’t settled with me out there, then they can trade me. I ain’t going out there to hurt myself in spring training battling for a job. If it is (a competition), then I’m going into ‘Operation Shutdown.’ Tell them exactly what I said. I haven’t competed for a job since 1991.”
When asked if following up his Dave Clark-worthy 2001 season with a .148 average this spring, Bell stuck his fingers in his ears and ran in circles. He was quoted as saying “LALALALALALALALALALALALALAICAN’THEARYOU! You’re not the boss of me. LALALALALALALALALALALA!”
A little advice for Dave Littlefield… ride him through April and then tell him to travel by boat to the first road trip in May, give him an Internet hookup and leave the number of several all-girls high schools in the boat. You’ll never see him again.
I’m not amazed that Ruben Rivera stole things from Derek Jeter. If you look at his performance versus his pay the last several years, that glove wasn’t the first thing he swiped. I’m not amazed that the Yankees gave him his outright release about 30 seconds later. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, and in the Bronx, Superman happens to be Jeter (despite his ACTUAL performance.) I’m not amazed that Rivera is probably going to hook up with Cleveland pretty soon (There is no truth to the rumor that one of his 5 tools is a set of lockpicks). I am amazed that Rivera hasn’t heard of e-Bay. Evidently he only got around $2800 dollars for Derek Jeter’s, World Series MVP, game-used glove. How smart do you have to be to realize that some jackhole Yankees fan would have gladly paid 20 times that much without blinking?
BTW, even though the Racket, Roger Clemens also had items stolen from his locker, Jeter was the person everyone was crying about. This is because, even in New York, the response to the “Clemens locker robbed by teammate” headline would have been along the lines of, “Who gives a rat’s ass? Clemens is a jackass.”
I’m feeling generous, so lets assume for a moment that Jeff Kent is an honest man. Let’s assume that he didn’t void his multi-million dollar contract by riding a motorcycle or go-kart or whatever other kind of mullet meets motor-oil activities he’s not supposed to participate in.
If Jeff Kent is an honest man, he fell off of his monster truck at a car wash. His Monster Truck. At a self-serve Car Wash. Wanna bet he was wearing cut off jorts while that was going on?
A) It’s 2002, who in the hell besides Karl Malone would still be interested in seeing just how tall they can make their truck? I mean is there any other point to having a Monster Truck? So your buddies can look at it can say, “Man, Tiny E, that is one big truck. Sure is, Tiny E.” Sure SNL callbacks are funny and all, but you can do the bit without the outlay of cayshe. They charge them inbreeds big bucks for them suspensions.
B) Kent made six million dollars last year. Assuming he didn’t blow the wad on Skoal Bandits (and that he wasn’t making even more this year) can’t the man afford to have someone wash the freakin truck for him?
Completely Made-Up Interview
I didn’t have the chance to sit down and talk recently with new Astros skipper Jimy Williams. Here’s what he had to say on a number of topics.
Zipp: Thanks for taking the time to talk with AstrosConnection today Jimy.
Jimy: “Is 13 lucky? I don’t know. It’s OK. It’s great to be here.”
Zipp: Are you enjoying Houston?
Jimy: “But you want to play when it gets cold twice. Does it get cold here in October? I guess I can’t use that phrase down here.”
Zipp: Actually, our media folk will never notice the difference… feel free to repeat your quotes over and over.
Jimy: “I make no promises on anything.”
Zipp: Fair enough. How are things shaping up in your first spring with the Astros?
Jimy: “All rules stay in house. They’re ours.”
Zipp: Very clandestine, or would you prefer fascist?
Jimy: “There’s a big difference. You have to have 20/20 hearing.”
Zipp: How are the players reacting to you?
Jimy: When something happens during the course of a game and they don’t agree with what the manager did, they’ll say to themselves, `What in the hell is he doing?’
Zipp: So it’s been testy at times?
Jimy: “A broken bat, a bad-hop ground ball … some things can knock you out.”
Zipp: What do you think of Jeff Bagwell? Some say he’s a sure-fire Hall of famer.
Jimy: “He was fine. He practiced properly. I know he’s a good player. I don’t have anything but good things to say about him.”
Zipp: What about Roy Oswalt? Do you think he has what it takes to be the best pitcher in the National League?
Jimy: “He was fine. He practiced properly. I know he’s a good player. I don’t have anything but good things to say about him.”
Zipp: How about God? What do you think of him?
Jimy: “He was fine. He practiced properly. I know he’s a good deity. I don’t have anything but good things to say about him.”
Zipp: And Satan?
Jimy: “We’re just going to maybe go in a different direction. He gave great effort, and that’s all you can ask. It was just a decision. That’s all it was.”
Zipp: Do you think you’ll go to Heaven when you die?
Jimy: “I can’t put that cart out in front of that horse, because we’re not even there yet. We gotta exchange gifts at Christmas first. Have a little eggnog on New Year’s. Enjoy life. Smell the roses a little bit. You’ve got a lot of agricultural products here, so you probably can grow a lot of roses. Fertilization.”
Zipp: Fertilization? Oh you want to talk politics. What do you think about the current political situation?
Jimy: “Don’t mention me in the same breath as President Carter. He’s a great man.”
Zipp: Well, I said current, but we’ll go with the old Presidents theme, what about Bill Clinton?
Jimy: “I kind of look at it like this. If you’ll be on time, play hard, don’t embarrass yourself or your family, you’re probably in pretty good shape.”
Zipp: Also, speaking of Clinton, have you seen the documentary “American Pimp”?
Jimy: “Dollars don’t play. Players play.”
Zipp: So you’ve seen it. What did you think of Bishop Don Magic Juan?
Jimy: “He gave a great effort, and that’s all you can ask. We’re just going to maybe go in a different direction.”
Zipp: So if I understand you correctly, you will not consider the players to be your “bitches” this season?
Jimy: “You give me a question with if. I can’t answer a question with if or what if. I can’t answer it.”
Zipp: Okay, changing subjects… Have you read Limey Time? Do you agree with his fashion tips?
Jimy: “I never use napkins. I always wear old clothes when I eat.”
Zipp: You’ve never read Limey Time, have you?
Jimy: “I’m not trying to prove anything to anybody, I’ll be honest with you,”
Zipp: My wife and I are expecting our first child. Any advice?
Jimy: “You gotta be patient. You gotta pick your spots. You don’t want to react if you get in a situation and something doesn’t necessarily happen right. You don’t react. You wait until the next day and respond.
Zipp: That seems a bit negligent, but thanks for taking the time.
Jimy: “Well, certainly you folks have helped me manage, so I know I’m better.”
Zipp: Let’s just keep that between us. Do you need any help getting out of the building?
Jimy: “How the hell do you get to the next level?”
Zipp: Well, most people push the buttons…
Jimy: “That ain’t gonna work. They still got the tanning lotion out there. Whatever.”
Zipp: Whatever indeed!