Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
It’s been said that before the introduction of the Internet, village idiots used to stay in their own villages.
Alan Zinter has about as much chance as making the Astros opening day roster as Jayson Williams does of being the keynote speaker at the Limo Drivers Union annual meeting. The same could be said of Jim Mann, Ricky Stone, that Olive-Oyl looking shortstop (the one with the personal problems) or the host of minor league players who aren’t even in camp. And yet, almost as regularly as Dan Ackroyd (remember when he was funny…man the 70’s were a long time ago) or John Goodman plays the bewildered father, someone is claiming some ridiculous insight about one of these guys being a necessary spoke in the major league wheel.
This kind of shit spray is so common these days, it almost makes Peter Gammons look reliable… almost. Basically it seems like a lot of these tragic dingle-berries fling feces day after day after day in the hopes that a kernel of corn sticks to the wall. It doesn’t matter how long it takes or how many times they look every bit the intelligence of your average Real World cast member, they just come in and keep a’flinging. This also has something to do with blind dogs and sunshine and bones or some other crap that Jimy Williams talks about to the media.
Bottom line, there’s a reason a 33 year old like Zinter has never played in the majors. There’s a reason that Mann has been released so many times that someone should start calling him pigeon. These polyester clad proles are organizational fodder… nothing more. That some moron with an AOL account thinks he knows more than 30 other GMs is the exact definition of the arrogance of ignorance.
Around the majors…
Is anyone surprised that some of Ken Griffey, Jr’s former teammates are spouting off against him? First, it’s real easy to talk smack about someone you don’t have to see or work with everyday, so it’s not like either Pulley Reese or Dmitri Young really stuck their necks out. (Does E7 even have a neck?) Second, what the hell did Bowen and the Reds expect? The only way Junior has ever been a leader is endorsement income, and the only reason that happened was his geographical proximity to Nike World Headquarters.
Like most guys who have been pampered since birth, he is all about the Griffey. He is an individual who hears imaginary insults and holds grudges towards hobgoblins and sportscasters. This is a guy who was supposed to be the Michael Jordan of baseball both in skill and as a spokesman for the game. Come to find out that as an ambassador, he’s more the Chuck Nevitt of MLB.
The other part of this that makes me scratch my head is why E$PN thinks any of this is news. This is the same network that gets irate phone calls from House of Junior when Jim Edmonds appears on the screen.
I’m thinking that Griffey needs to take the family out to see the new Spider Man flick when it comes to Cincy. The important point of that movie is going to be “with great power comes great responsibility, and that’s a key, because the thing that “the Kid” never seemed to understand is that if you’re going to be the highest paid player on your team, you’re expected to more than just show up. So far in his career, that’s all he’s really done.
On another note, I think out west Kevin Towers is quietly putting together a pretty solid team in San Diego. So it’s kind of amazing to me that he’s about to turn Ryan Klesko into the second coming of…well, Ryan Klesko by sticking him out in left field. Did they trade all of their VCRs to Detroit? The donut truck is an incredibly competent first baseman. The donut truck is a donut truck in left, and he proved it so emphatically the Braves shipped him to the Padres. This is all to make room for Sean Burroughs, the latest hotshot third base prospect in MLB. (How many of these actually become hotshot third basemen? Not counting Troy Glaus or Scott Rolen… I’m drawing a blank.) This moves incumbent hot corner (and former Astros reprobate) Phil Nevin to first… a position he’s never played, effectively and seriously downgrading the defense in 2 areas. Why Nevin couldn’t have moved to left, ala Larry Wayne is beyond me. Maybe I should look up their Zone Ratings. At least we’ll be able to make fun of Klesko again.
From the Mailbag…
Every now and then, I’ll get e-mail from people who read my column. Generally, they either tell me how much I “be rokken” (not unlike Dokken) or how many blue whale I actually blow. I got the following letter a few months ago and was so blown away that I haven’t been able to do anything with it…
—–Original Message—–
From: jake ramsey
Sent: Tuesday, October 02, 2001 1:56 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: do NOT hate on LimaListen “Andy,” if that is your real name,
You must feel like a royal idiot after bashing Jose Lima. If you have watched any major league baseball this year, you would know that “Lima Time” is back baby. He is dominating the league and he brings necessary emotion back to the game of baseball. Also, you called him a “burro” and that just doesn’t fly with me. If Jose is a “burro” then what does that make you? I was insulted by your May 2, 2001, joke of an article. I have two buddies named Tripp and Mike and we started the Jose Lima fan club. Since he is now in Detroit, we attend his games and Jose knows us quite well. The only way you can redeem yourself and get into our fan club is if you do as follows:
1. A public apology to Jose Lima fan club.
2. Give us tickets to a 3 game series at Enron Field (or as Jose says “ten-run field”) preferably against the Cubs so i can see Slammin Sammy.
Thank you for your time and feel free to respond to this email.
In the future, I hope to god i won’t read any negative emails about “LIMA TIME.”
Wow…even reading this now, 5 months later, I still giggle like a little girl. Anyway,
Well, Jake, I often feel like a royal idiot, but it’s never had anything to do with Jose Lima. I am however happy that he found a park he could pitch in that wasn’t called Yosemite. That you consider 5-10 and 4.71 “dominating the league” tells me just how low it is to be a Tigers fan.
As far as the burro thing, is this an advanced version of “I know you are, but what am I?” because I’m not sure I have all the facts to answer your question otherwise. I am, however, happy that you have 2 friends and that you can escape Indiana every now and again (although I’m not sure Detroit is an escape.)
And watch out for Jose knowing you. Soon he’ll start showing up at your house all hours of the night, belting out songs about his pitching and trying to pawn off left over Casa Ole to your neighbors. Don’t feed him, or he’ll never leave. And then his wife will show up and spread her ugly all over your yard. Consider this fair warning.
I’m afraid that I can’t do anything about your ticket request, but hey…that’s a good one about the ten-run field. I’ve never heard that before. And Jake, I’m sure that both Jose and Sammy are proud to have you as a fan. In fact you remind me of every Sosa fan I’ve ever met. Must be the inbreeding.
I will however, apologize to the Jose Lima fan club. I’m sorry that you exist. I’m sorry that Lima is the best and brightest of your organization. Have you met Mitch Meluskey yet?
Yours truly,
Zipp
AndyZipp is a regular contributor to the Big Freight Train, and has been for nearly 3 years now. AndyZipp attended Juliard. He’s a graduate of the Harvard Business school, he travels extensively. AndyZipp lived through the black plague and had a great time doing it. AND HE’S SEEN THE EXORCIST 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME HE SEE IT. How’s that for qualified?