Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
One of baseball’s classic sayings is “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain.” For those of you too lazy to look it up, it refers to the 1947 Boston Braves and the deficit they had in starting pitching. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with some catchy saying to include Wade Miller and Scott Elarton, but they all pretty much sucked. But with Shane Reynolds being about as effective in his two starts as the XFL was in getting anyone with 22 chromosome pairs to watch, Octavio Dotel being a base on balls machine (in the bad way) and El Burro Lima being… well a steaming pile of feces, something needs to be done.
I’m firmly in the camp of wait and see with Reynolds, who did improve once he shaved off that ridiculous display of pubic hair from his face and El Pato. Reynolds at least has a track record of success and he seems smart enough (for a guy from Northern Louisiana) to win whether or not he has 100% of his arsenal at his command. Dotel, despite his struggles wearing the Stagnant Star, has just a Tonka Truck full of potential and he does actually appear to be listening to the coaches which is more than anyone can say for starter number 5.
It’s to the point that Lima passing muster in a game would be about as surprising as Robert Downey, Jr. passing a drug test, or Rosie O’Donnell passing All-You-Can-Eat Night at Shakey’s, or Stuart Scott passing on the chance to say Boo-yah. Like all of these comparisons, El Burro just plain sucks. Being on the hook for 6.25 million this year is hard to swallow, but so is watching Lima groove pitch after pitch every fifth day.
The decision shouldn’t be that tough for the Wallet. Deal him for anyone you can. Minor league prospects, Major league roll players, bullpen pitchers, cash, a nice picture of Tom Berenger, a gift package of Brut. Until then, sit his ass deep in the pen and let Kent Bottenfield start.
Overplayed Fad of the Week…
I got blasted for calling Brad Ausmus the weakest link a week or so ago. I do value his defense and game calling and it was all in good humor, but I don’t think there’s much argument about who the worst hitter in the everyday lineup is either. So to get this out of my system, here are some picks for the weakest links on other teams.
Anaheim Angels – Wally Joyner. Wally World should be showing up at an Old-Timers game a couple of times a year, tipping his cap and collecting his appearance fees. Instead he plays every day for the Halos.
Arizona Diamondbucks – Brian Anderson. Remember when Anderson was a highly touted pitching prospect? Me neither, and that 14.14 ERA doesn’t tell me otherwise.
AOLanta Braves – Chipper Jones. Does anyone think he’s not going to get arrested for “signing autographs” with one of those jailbait road-whores who follow him from town to town? I counted 28 last night. Teeth. Among all the Slacker-fans.
Baltimore Orioles – Cal Ripken, Jr. Not too long ago, this guy made grown men weep with joy when the Iron Nag broke Lou Gehrig’s record. Now he makes everybody cry when they seem him drag his tired act into the lineup.
Boston Red Sox – Dante Bichette. Is his biggest challenge hitting off Roger Clemens? Nope. Getting jelly donut stain out of double knit.
Chicago Oprahs – Damon Buford. When you aren’t hitting Calista Flockhart’s weight…
Chicago White Sox – Frank Thomas. Is there any sweeter moment for someone who hates the current era of inflated self worth than to see the Big Ego demand more Dead Presidents and then back it up by hitting .230?
Cincinnati Red Stockings – Ken Griffey, Jr. Speaking of egos, when yours keeps you off the DL when you have a torn hamstring, it’s time to seek counseling.
Cleveland Indians – Jake Taylor. He’s probably too old and achy to be the everyday catcher for this team. But he’s a street-wise so and so who can come in and kick a little ass.
Colorado Pebbles – Craig Dingman. Your ERA is over 12 and your name is Dingman.
Detroit Tiggers – Todd Jones. Best Roberto Hernandez impersonation ever!
Florida Fish – Derrick Lee and Kevin Millar. First of all, it’s okay to sacrifice offense for defense in the MIDDLE OF THE FIELD. Second, do these guys own gloves?
Kansas City Royals – Kansas City Royals. The lone bright spot after getting spanked by the Yankees, according to Tony Muser: “No one got injured.”
Hell Dodgers – Kevin Malone. Unfortunately, The wunderkind “resigned”. The Dojers will spend the next month or so to find the next embarrassment to take his place.
Milwaukee Brew Crew – Lack of Weather Proofing. The rainy season lasts until June in “the good land”. Perhaps an investment in some DAP would have been appropo.
Minnesota Twinkies – Sports Illustrated Cover. On Sale April 30th.
Montreal Exposé – Now that was a good girl group. Anyway… every outfielder not named Vladimir. Batting a collective .162 and slugging .232.
New York Mess – Darryl Hamilton. When a team shops you, you’re supposed to play, well, better than my grandmother. She’s 84.
New Jersey Yankees – Does it matter? Whatever is broken, they’ll just go buy another one.
Oakland Elephants – Jason Giambi’s Hair. Anyone else tired of opening Baseball Weakly (sic) or Sports Illustrated and seeing his greasy janitor coif in living color?
Philadelphia Phillies – Philadelphia. The city that made Rocky seem intellectual.
Pittsburgh Pirates – The 3 fans you have. Nicest stadium that no one shows up to. (Enron a close second!) 1997 was a long time ago. Live in the glory that is Derek Bell.
San Diego Padres – The 4 headed shortstop. Have called to inquire about Tim Bogar’s availability.
San Francisco Gints – Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man. When he finds his huge oversized bottle of Coca-Cola, they’ll be hell to pay. Mark my words.
Seattle Mariners – Al Martin. He plays. Like everyday. Seriously.
St. Louis Cards – Andy Benes. Doesn’t even have the redeeming quality of his brother Alan, the eternal rehabber. Scores points for reminding me of Seinfeld.
Tampa Bay Rays, Devil or otherwise – Is there anyone on this team who isn’t a weak link? Anyone?
Texas stRangers – All them guys who don’t bat. Jim Raup, Doug Melvin is on line three. Something about a try-out.
Toronto Blew-Jays – Gord Ash. Actually a likeable enough guy. If only he wasn’t so susceptible to the really shiny watches the other GM’s seem to dangle in front of him during the off-season.
Around the Leagues…
Who wants to be Mike Lowell this weekend? Besides the whole testicular cancer thing, he’s gotta feel pretty good about playing the Astros. Why? Is it great career numbers? Some hidden advantage he holds against Jose Lima, Wade Miller or Octavio Dotel? Did he call 1-900-Fake-Rasta-Ho and talk to Miss Cleo? It’s much simpler than that. Mike Lowell will play 3rd base against the Astros this weekend.
So far, Trains pitching has been able to contain just about everyone they’ve faced except Aramis Ramirez, Albert Pujols and Chipper Jones. Unfortunately, opposing hot corners have blistered Houston for a .393 average with 9 dongs and 21 RBI, while being on base more than 45% of the time. Those numbers would look even worse if the Milwaukee Brewers didn’t insist on playing a corpse that used to be Tony Fernandez everyday. (Who, by the way is a dead ringer for pop-sensation-for-a-day, Seal. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen them in the same place at the same time.)
Astro of the Week
Sometimes great performances on National Television will earn you great amounts of praise. None of that praise will be worth less to Wade Miller than winning Astro of the Week. WaMi made a case for baseball fans everywhere to recognize him as a full on giant on the mound. For the week, he went 1-0 with 13 K’s in 8 innings. More importantly, Miller clinched a series against a serious foe. Wins against the Cards are good.
DisAstro of the Week
I can’t give this to El Burro every week. I’d like to, but… everybody’s favorite whipping boy will have to wait. Wayne Franklin, on the Houston roster solely by virtue of genetics, was all-world bad this week. In 1.1 innings he managed to post a 13.50 ERA. If Franklin wasn’t left handed he wouldn’t be allowed to pitch peanuts in the stands.
