Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
HOUSTON – In an interesting move described by a team official as, “the only thing that will make these damn fans happy,” Drayton McLane sold the Houston Astros to Santa Claus. The sale, which is pending approval by Major League Baseball, is expected to cost Claus in the neighborhood of 400 million dollars (US).
In the news conference, an obviously ecstatic McLane posed for pictures while grinning ear to ear. “This is an incredible day for the city of Houston, myself and especially my investment bankers and grandchildren. We have been proud to save baseball for the city of Houston, and we have been proud to bring “Big City Baseball” and a myriad of uniform changes to the city of Houston, all the while providing a team, comprised mostly of former Mets players, which was competitive. Very, very competitive.
“During my tenure in Houston, we did many great things. We got a Catholic church to allow beer to be sold less than 500 feet away from its front door. We kept Tony Eusebio employed. We rejuvenated downtown Houston by moving all of them homeless folk several blocks away. Keep in mind we also set attendance records, signed some local boys, sold lots and lots of concessions and set new standards in what people with no other options would pay for beer.
When asked why he sold the team, McLane responded, “Well, I made a mistake by talking out loud about how much money I was losing, and I’ll be damned if somebody didn’t pull out a calculator. I just can’t fake it anymore. Anyone who knows me can tell you, still having to pretend I’m losing money on this team with this glorious new stadium is starting to wear me down. The market…um…time was right for me to get out.”
In regards to the new owner of the Astros, McLane expressed gratitude and admiration for the Claus. “We think this could be a win-win for the Astros and for Houston. It’s not going to be easy for Mr. Claus. Somehow he’s going to have to guarantee that players never age, that all rookies perform at all-star levels, and that all the members of the team play better than anyone else in the world, but also smile while doing it. It’s a tough road to hoe. We are very pleased to find a buyer who can grant wishes with a nod and a wink, because that’s the only thing that’s going to make these freakin’ fans happy.” As McLane was walking away from the podium, hauling a large velvet sack of cash, he was heard to giggle, “You won’t have Drayton McLane to kick around anymore, BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
For his part, Mr. Claus was reserved, yet obviously excited about the possibilities of owning a professional baseball team. “This has been the culmination of years and years of work for me. Frankly, I’m a very ego-driven person. In my other business, I have destroyed the competition and have very little left to prove. I’ve beaten the Easter Bunny; I’ve beaten the Tooth Fairy. Heck, I’ve even beaten Hanukkah Harry. How hard can it be to beat George Steinbrenner?”
When asked what changes would be forthcoming for the beleaguered franchise, Claus was pretty direct. “The first thing on my agenda will be getting rid of the naughty players. And yes, before you ask, I do know who they are. Secondly, I’ll be looking to add every player any fan asks for. You want Chipper Jones? Done. You want Babe Ruth, circa 1927? Done. You want Sidd Finch to be an actual person? Done.”
Claus also announced that manager Larry Dierker and general manager Gerry Hunsicker would be offered, “any job they wanted.” However, he added that the team, both on field and off, would be run by the most senior staff in his Christmas organization. “The management team I’m putting in place will run the Houston Astros with the same brutal efficiency that enables me to deliver toys to all the children of the world in a 24 hour period every year. Well, at least the Christian children,” Claus laughed, as he shook like a bowl full of jelly. Claus refused to answer any questions about whether or not this new management team contained any “baseball elves.”
Claus then touched his finger to a nose and headed to the nearest chimney while saying, “I’m also giving Daryle Ward Willie Mays’ fielding ability and Adam Everett a .376 batting average so people will get off his back. To all a good night.”
Obligatory Dante Bichette Reference
It’s really no fun making fun of other teams when your team has the worst record in baseball. So I’ll keep it short. Bionic Fat is overweight and he really can’t hit a baseball anywhere not in Denver. Of course if he made an effort face, he’d be welcome as the Astros left fielder.
Astro of the Week
Stretch Suba wins again in a landslide. It’s not even close, although if the Astros would simply win three games in a row, I could name Scott Elarton this week’s winner. After being deservedly maligned (as long as you can conveniently forget that he’s coming off shoulder surgery) the Outlaw is starting to show what our own Minor Opinions column has been talking about since 1997. In his past 2 starts, Elarton is 2-0, with an impressive only for 2000 ERA of 3.86 with 10 K’s in 14 innings. Yeah, I know this is mediocre, but that’s why Stretch Suba is once again the Astro of the Week.
DisAstro of the Week
Wow, when there are so many candidates, it’s kind of hard to pick. I mean, really what do you base your decision on? Rookies not performing to expectations? Veterans not performing to career numbers? Outfielders not smiling? Heck, let’s just call a spade a spade. Tim Bogar is looking so damn Clark this year, one has to wonder if Dave can play shortstop. The hope that Bogar stops seeing playing time is number one on the list of things I’ll be asking the new owner for. Hope I’m not on the naughty list.
