Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
I talked the girlfriend into going to see the latest Bruckheimerarian epic known as “Gone in 60 Seconds” on Sunday night. It was the typical things-blow-up-I-eat-popcorn-by-the-bushel-girlfriend-who-can’t-sleep-through-my-snoring-falls-asleep-within-30-minutes mental masturbation that I have come to expect from the brain/wallet that brought us “Con-Air”, “Armageddon” and “Young Doctors in Love”.
As I was shoving the second refill of popcorn into my gaping maw, something about the Astros came into picture. And it was deeper than “sitting though bad baseball should be just as fun as sitting through bad movies.” No, true believers, it was a solution for the Astros season… a saving grace if you will.
The Astros need to get Angelina Jolie on the team as soon as possible.
Look at her credentials:
Her father is Jon Voight, whose career highlights have been co-starring with Burt Reynolds in “Deliverance” and as the possible owner of George Costanza’s Chrysler LeBaron convertible on a very funny episode of Seinfeld. This is important because she’d give Milo hours upon hours of new, fresh topics to mangle rather than talking about baseball.
Chick plays with knives. And likes it. Would you pitch inside to a chick sporting several large knives? Do you think Bleach Meluskey would be so cavalier about popping a teammate in the jaw if he knew the very real possibility existed of getting gutted from appetite to asshole? There are no mean streets of Yakima. More sprinkles on your frozen yogurt, Mitch?
She claims to be interested in switch-hitting. While it’s not the same kind of switch-hitting we’re used to seeing on the field, what would you rather see, Ken Caminiti flailing away from the right side of the plate or Mrs. Bob Thornton “turning-two”?
She’s VERY interested in teamwork and taking care of her own. One needs to look no further than the kind-hearted way she was acting towards her brother at the Oscars. I think adding her to the active 25 would go a long way towards some sort of togetherness.
She’s becoming a box office draw. This is important, primarily to Drayton. Eventually, people will stop coming out to the
ballpark to watch a bad product. All this chick does is get people to show up to bad films. Would any of you have seen Hackers, the Bone Collector (which totally wasn’t what I thought it would be, based on the title), or Pushing Tin?
Strong cross-demographic ratings. We all know professional sports are about marketing these days. Angelina was recently selected as the woman most women would like to “get to know” (Wink, wink). No more trouble getting your girlfriend or wifey to the ballpark. The problem would be her wanting to go alone. And watching baseball on television would be a snap. “Look honey, the crazy girl from “Girl, Interrupted” is playing baseball.
She plays shortstop. Okay, maybe she doesn’t, but who would you rather see botching easy ground balls and batting eight-hole, Angelina Jolie or Tim Bogar? I vote for Jolie in skintight double-knit polyester every single time. I’m looking forward to Angelina as Lara Croft. I do not look forward to Tim as Astros shortstop.
This makes sense on so many levels it’s scary. Jolie for shortstop. She kept me watching “60 Seconds”; she can keep me watching Big City Baseball.
Next week… Alyssa Milano for General Manager
Around the League
Slipping Sammy Sosa is on record as recently saying he “carried baseball” in 1998. The big red freak in St. Louie notwithstanding, maybe he did. Sadly, he can’t seem to carry his team anywhere. Losing baseball in the North side of Chicago… It’s soo REEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL.
How is it that Dante Bichette actually plays better when he only starts 3 days a week? It probably helps that he has time to digest those big buffets. Roughage is one suggestion. The trade off will be the smell, but if his teammates aren’t used to it by now. Sta-Puft is now batting .275 and is on pace to have a whopping 79 RBI and 24 homers. This is eerily close to the numbers universally predicted for the Bionic one prior to the season by the popes in the TalkZone.
John Rocker has taken to speaking in limited Spanglish to describe his future contributions to the Braves winning ways. I always wondered what happened to Gerardo. Rico. Suave.
Astro of the Week
Until there is some hope of reaching .500 for the season, the Astro of the Week will be Stretch Suba. This week, the 43-year bullpen veteran carried 10 boxes of sunflower seeds and 9 boxes of pumpkin seeds… all at the same time. No one else in the bullpen can hold a 7 run lead, so this was purt durn impressive.
DisAstro of the Week
Seeing as the only hit they got all week was on the jaw from a boy with yellow hair, Matt Mieske and his Amazin’ Canadian Porn Molester Mustache are our winners. I just hope that the “royal we”, that is DraytonGerryLarry, all realize that when Roger Cedeno comes back, Mieske, not a player who has hit the ball this year needs to get the thumb. He is slowly but surely reaching Clark status, in a very, very Dave sort of way.
Andyzipp is still unemployed, but is still better than the other scum. Zipp will strive to make this a weekly gig again, but as his life more and more resembles a Townes Van Zandt song, large blocks of time disappear with little provocation. Andyzipp’s beer of choice is still Shiner Bock, despite Alkie’s prattling about there being other beer out there. All rights reserved. Void where prohibited. Offer good in 49 states. Sorry Tennessee.