Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
Hello everybody! (Hello Dr. Zipp!) Welcome to another wonderful season of Astros baseball. Our motto for 2001 is “Welcome Home…if you have to pay 20 bucks for a hotdog and a beer while watching Rabbits and choo-choo trains in your house.”
It’s hard to tell what to make of the first home stand of the year. I made the road trip in from Austin with my fellow columnist Michael N and some freakin’ Cocoa Pebbles fanatic and watched the good guys look like they figured out Enron. Scott Elarton battled himself, but was effective. And as usual the visiting Brewers had zero clue about how to play baseball without spiking themselves. Offering themselves up like Crack whores for Popeye’s fried chicken necks, the Brew-Crew gave the Stagnant Stars a season opening sweep. (Of course at least one college sophomore picked them as division champs because blonde hair is cool, so what do I know?). Then the Pie-roots, who I think started Eddie Harris and Ricky Vaughn against us, come in stinking of Derek Bell and take 2 of 3. To quote George W., “Whut was that?”
First of all, I’m glad that nothing has been close to a sell-out this year. It proves that Houston isn’t going to be dazzled by crappy product in a cool wrapper for more than a season.
Secondly, and this is no newsflash, the Stros are going to live and die by their pitching.
Wade Miller and Octavio Dotel looked incredible. They’re young, and they’ll have bad games this year, but it looks like WaMi is a fierce competitor and that Pato has had some come to Jesus meetings with Burt Hooten about hitting spots this year. This is a trend (well not really, just a data point) that needs to continue.
Scott Elarton looked injured. He’s been battling himself all spring and looks like the next candidate to not admit he’s hurt until he needs surgery. Let’s hope the Astros hired actual trained medical staff this year and not just former extras from General Hospital.
Kent Bottenfield looks like a fifth starter and Jose Lima looks like he needs to be part of the latest in employment trends, laid-off, at least by the Astros. He can go be a professional singer or a short-order cook at Casa Ole, but unless he gets a head-ectomy sometime before the end of the year, he’s no longer a pitcher.
Most encouraging is the bully. Mike Jackson knows how to pitch, as does Nelson Cruz and Scott Linebrink. Add that to a all of a sudden effective Jay Powell and a even more suddenly intelligent Billy “I don’t have to get strike outs, just outs” Wagner and what you have so far is one of the most effective bullpens in baseball…ESPECIALLY considering where they’ve pitched the first 6 games of the year.
In a perfect world, Shane “Fu-Manchu” Reynolds and Doug Brocail come back healthy and effective, Lima and Wayne “Token” Franklin are sent packing by the end of April.
As hot and cold as the offense is going to run, the Mound men are going to have to win games this year. So far they look up to it.
Really Old Topics That I’m Finally Sounding Off About
I’ve noticed the online tone of Texas Rangers fans has changed dramatically since Scott “Don’t Blame me” Boras got that second mortgage on his soul and managed to entice Tom Hicks to enter a bidding war against… well, Tom Hicks. Somehow, signing Kevin Garnett… oops…Alex Rodriguez has gotten the country’s largest city of fair-weather fans to notice that there is a baseball team in Arlington (a place, by the way, most Dallasites will tell you is not part of the Dallas Metroplex unless it suits their needs at that moment… after all they have St. Augustine grass in their yards. Gasp.)
All of a sudden, for Metroplex fans (all 17 of them), the Rangers are the odds on favorite to win whatever it is that the baseball teams play for… some cup or trophy or something. Pitching is for other teams and the Cowboys or whatever will bludgeon all other teams into submission.
The takes or posts from Metroplex fans which used to be things like, “Do you think Bill Bates could make a comeback,” and “I’m not a bandwaggoner…I was there when Troy Aikman took the ball from Roger Staubach that year,” now consist of really intelligent comments like, “I don’t see how the Yankees or Braves can compete with our lineup,” and “I saw Nolan Ryan’s 7th no-hitter,” and “Oakland has a team?” and “Ken ‘Crutch’ Caminiti can easily play all four quarters of a baseball game,” or “Houston sucks. Can A-Rod pitch?”
Since 12/12/2000 (known forever forward as the day the MLB decided that a salary cap would be necessary,) Tom Hicks is being praised as a visionary for outbidding himself by 102 million dollars to sign something he didn’t need. In true Dallas style, A-Rod is all about pretension and nothing about baseball. How much more visionary would it have been to spend $252 million on Mike Hampton, Mike Mussina and Jeff Nelson? According to the conspiracy theorists in the TalkZone, all you have to do is beat the highest bid by a dollar to sign a big leaguer. Hell, Hicks could have added Darren Dreifort as well and STILL had 70 million or so left over. Nah… signing A-Rod was much smarter.
Like the overpriced zoysia grass rampant in Metroplex lawns that costs the most but dies about the time the temperature reaches 90 degrees, the Rangers will melt in the Texas sun. Of course by June, Tony “The Savior” Banks will be in minicamp, so Metroplex fans won’t be paying attention anymore anyway.
Speaking Of Being At Home…
I’m shocked that people were shocked that Mitch Meluskey went off on the Astros’ organization after the trade. Frankly, I liked Mitch. He couldn’t catch a game, but he made last year a bit more watchable, in a NASCAR, WWF sort of way for me. I’m glad he feels at home in Detroit. He should since like most of his Astros career, he’ll be watching from the DL. People can say what they want about reacquiring Brad Ausmus and giving up F-Bomb, but Ausmus is PLAYING this year. Mitch might never catch another game in the Majors. Scoreboard Gerry.
Astro of the Week.
Nostalgia thy name is Pigpen. Last year, even with all the losing and trouble, I didn’t lose interest in the season until Craig Biggio went down like so many tech stocks in Florida. Boy does it suck when the season ends in June. Anyhoo, there are moments that baseball fans carry with them over the course of their lives. Biggio’s 5-5 opening day performance got me to forget how cynical I am about the game today for one afternoon. This week, the old man went 12 for 26 with 3 doubles, a dong and 7 runs scored.
DisAstro of the Week.
Slow start versus slow start. I’m looking at you Bradley Ausmus and you Jeffrey Bagwell. I care less about Ausmus’s hitting because, a) he can’t hit and b) the pitching has been pretty good. That’s his job. So Bagpipes walks away with the award this week, based on his .174 average, his .348 slugging percentage and the fact that he’s an easy target this year. I don’t worry about having to give him this award more than once a year, so it’s good that he’s getting it out of the way now, so I can focus on the steaming piles of dung that are Jose Lima and Charley Hayes.