Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
They say that during Spring Training, every team is a World Series contender (besides the Twins) and that hope is doing something eternal. So now that Spring Training is over and Opening Day is upon us, people are busy making predictions about everything from revenue streams to the size of Barry Bonds’ ego to exactly when they’ll replace the term cracker jack with something they actually still sell in ballparks. And since it’s that time of year, I proudly present my “expert” predictions (wacko) for Baseball In The Year 2000…
In one of the largest fits of confusion in recent years, Darryl Strawberry will be arrested after trying to smoke a Fraggle Rock videocassette in a St. Petersburg area Blockbuster. The estate of Jim Henson will have no comment.
In a scene reminiscent of the Three Stooges (or Iran Contra), Ken Griffey, Jr. will suffer massive internal injuries after being involved in a three-way collision with Dmitri Young and Dante Bichette on a shallow pop fly. Young will escape relatively unharmed but Bichette will be impaled on a Clark Bar he was carrying in his back pocket.
Citing an obscure law still on the books in Toronto, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police will charge Outfielder Raul Mondesi with failure to wear a cap that fits. The law was originally put in place to keep junior high football coaches out of the Great White North.
Also in Toronto, 3 bewildered scientists will be arrested for trying to enter the backside of David Wells. “We were pretty sure he was Biosphere II,” one of the men shrugged.
Disney-owned Anaheim will be the first team to incorporate mascots on the field during games when they mandate Troy Glaus be replaced with Leslie “Sparky” Sanderson who, while working as a “Minnie Mouse” batted .657 in the company softball league. No one in Anaheim seems to notice.
Having already honored the railroads and citing a need of a further return to the city’s proud history, Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane will unveil new uniforms that consist primarily of loin cloths, mud and feathers. Players will also be allowed to choose one of 12 different Gallery Furniture designs to have tattooed on their backs.
In a “Andro” induced rage, Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire will eat the snack-sized Fernando Vina whole after Tony “The Brain” Larussa puts McGwire in the 9 hole in the batting order, “cause lookie at all them guys who could be on base. I am a Genius…whoop-adee-doo!”
New Expos Owner, whose only baseball knowledge seems to come from the fact that he once owned Yankees box seats and has “heard some things” about the game, signs Yogi Berra, Whitey Ford and Billy Martin to long term deals in Montreal. He proceeds to stop selling tickets to any games to go along with his no-media coverage policy. “Those media types may try to rebroadcast the descriptions and images of the game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball… my total non-viewership policy should effectively nip that in the bud.”
Tom Berenger, surfing the Internet to see if anyone is talking about him, will file an anti-defamation suit against me. He drops the case however, when he realizes I am the only person still talking about him.
The Mets, in a desperate attempt to capture headlines on the East coast from the Yankees, will all marry Darva Conger. They take turns borrowing Bobby Valentine’s controversial Canadian porn disguise kit.
Known lavatory redecorator Kevin Brown will shatter the bones in his forearms when he tries to perform his Martha Stewart-like magic on the new stainless steel urinals installed at Enron Field.
Greenpeace will park a schooner in the San Francisco Bay to protest Barry Bonds and “the unconscionable bruising and mental torturing of fish, corpses and other marine life that he perpetrates by hitting homeruns… Why can’t he just hit the ball softer?”
The fog will continue to get thicker and Leon will continue to get larger.
Needing a person familiar with the huge amounts of suck they will perpetrate on the rest of the MLB, the Minnesota Twins will hire Monica Lewinsky as a team consultant, citing her vast knowledge of experience in the area.
Now they’ve done it… putting April Fool’s Day, Day Light Savings Time and Opening Day on three consecutive days is too much for me to handle… DO games now start one hour earlier… IS Bud Selig as Commissioner a big joke…? Well, at least we know his bluster about his most recent realignment plan is… Why can’t The Client just be honest with us and himself and propose the realignment plan that he really wants to… 15 divisions, 2 teams each (total geographic rivalries), every team makes the playoffs, which last 6 months, and the Yankees and either the Braves or Dodgers play in the World Series every year. Now hang some ad revenue and a fat television contract on that, and Bud is sitting pretty… Tell me this makes any less sense than what’s on the table now.
Anyone else like to turn down the volume on a certain choo-choo in a certain new downtown crib? I’d rather listen to Jose Lima’s Casa Ole Song on continuous loop…
Astro of the Spring… Although he got robbed, Lance Berkman looked like a completely different hitter this Spring than he did in his limited opportunities in Houston last year. Most likely because he’s finally healthy. Berkman led the team in the ESPN categories with 8 homers and 12 RBI, and I’m having trouble figuring out how you put the kid in New Orleans and hold on to the likes of Matt Mieske. He’ll get his at-bats in the Big Easy and be up full time by the All-Star break…which likely gets the clock ticking on the Moises Alou movement of 2001.
DisAstro of the Spring… Octavio Dotel. He was the key in the Mike Hampton the Mets deal. It’ll take time; it appears for the Dierker/Ruhle magic to affect this kid, because consistency is a mental thing. Is he the pitcher who posted a 3.24 ERA before his last 2 spring outings or is he the pitcher who made Royce Clayton look like Shoeless Joe? Time, and an apparent trip to the bullpen will do wonders towards getting the Met out of his system.