Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
Since there were no winners in the “Take A Legend to the Enron Opener”…(and don’t think I won’t remember this, you ingrates…) sitting on my couch watching on DirectTV and surround sound and of course Shiner Bock, was the next best option…The following is a look at the inner workings and one man’s opinion of the television coverage and mad amount of hype associated with March 30th, 2000.
4:30…Bastards…only one person even took me seriously about competing in the contest…well screw them…anyway it’s 4:30, my boss has locked himself in a conference room to yell at our accountant…time for me to make my exit.
4:37…finally got out of the damn parking garage…I need a beer.
4:43…Amazing, I-10 East, headed into downtown is actually backed up. Of course it doesn’t help that they’ve closed off 2 lanes to work on the new overpass to get onto 59 and into downtown…you know…the road they were saying to take to get to downtown…
5:00…Channels 2, 11 and 13 are all broadcasting live from Enron Field…Damn Dominique Sachse is ridiculously hot…all three channels have scrolling information bars about the costs of the food…which reminds me…2 Shiners in the freezer, 22 in the fridge…I wonder if I have any hotdogs?
5:05…Taking the sports page into my “office”…do I have toilet paper?
5:06…So I have $25 dollars in cash…Fiesta is crowded…but they do have great prices on Toilet paper…and now lets grab some buns and dogs and some chili…
5:20…Headed back to the office…toilet paper well in hand.
5:40…okay…no coverage whatsoever. Time for another beer and to fire up the George Foreman Fat Buster and grill me some hotdogs…
5:45…Time for another beer.
6:00…Channel 26 is chiming in with its coverage…Mark Berman is a very very small man, great reporter, but the guy might as well not have legs. He makes Andrea Watkins look freakin’ huge…no wait a minute…SHE IS HUGE!!!
6:13…Some random Fox26 reporter is standing over the Crawford Boxes, claiming she’s standing somewhere near first base…Berman immediately corrects her sorry cub reporter ass. This beer is going fast…
6:30…Okay, switching between 2, 11, 13 and FOXSW, all of whom have live coverage…none of whom seem to realize they’re repeating all the same things I heard at 5:00…Dominique is still really really hot…When did she get that wedding ring…
6:39…Another beer, another innocuous statement…lots of stuff seems to be going on the field, but no one is talking about it. Evidently, Jose Lima hit 3 home runs in batting practice…
6:55…Kevin Eschenfelder is a troll, if he had his nose any further up Drayton McLane’s ass, he’d be Drayton’s esophagus. Evidently all the players have been introduced…if I don’t get to see The Old Man throw out the first pitch I’m gonna get pissed…
6:59…Why in the hell are they at commercial??? ARRRRRGHHHH…
7:00…Bill Brown is talking!!! Bill Brown is talking!!! Could there really be no Bill Worrell??? The new FOXSW graphics have a severe brick red tint…
7:01…Finally…the old man threw out the first pitch…MORE BEER!!! Awww…it was a replay…looking at these new Graphics…well let’s just say I’m glad I’m not an epileptic Japanese child…well more glad than usual, anyway…
7:03…Chili Dogs and baseball, and an Acme Brick commercial…this Shiner is to you…
7:05…Absolutely gorgeous Stadium…. it simply is breath taking…Evidently Doc Gooden threw the first pitch (ball outside…bad omen) while we were thinking about buying Mrs. Bairds…
7:06…Gooden walks Chuck Knoblauch on 5 pitches (The first walk in Enron)…when is Scott Elarton ready??? We’ve already been warned that we’re going to play more attention to the ballpark than the game.
7:08…Tony Eusebio was scratched because he has a stiff neck…innurressing…
7:11…Mayor Lee Brown is picking his nose, Bernie Williams strikes out (the first) and I need a beer…Doc Gooden RULES!!! in the middle of 1…
7:14…no one is booing Roger Clemens…WTF??? Boo, Roger…boo. Chili in a keyboard is never a good thing…
7:17…The first hit in Enron Field belongs to Jeff Bagwell’s beard…that thing is now just hideous…
7:19…First stolen base…Damn I’m glad that I didn’t draft Jorge Posada for the League of Hell…By the Power of Beardwell, Jeff was safe and unharmed…when did Cammy shave?
7:28…Why do you suppose both the beer and the bottle involved with Shiner Bock…seems if the beer was brown that’s be enough…Gooden looks nice once he throws a lot of high breaking balls to the first batter…so far so good, Doc has 3 k’s…damn the backstop is close to the plate…49 feet???
7:30…Nolan Ryan is talking and I have a strong desire to eat corn pone…where can we get one of those shortstops like the Janqui’s have…wow, looks like they’ve dragged those horrid rotating billboards from the dome to behind homeplate at the EFUS…
7:32…First bad call in Enron field…no freakin way Hidalgo broke his wrists…more beer and chili dogs…the FOXSW sound feed has faded away…unfortunately not the first Technical Difficulties…
7:36…First really overrated player in Enron field…Scott Brosious
7:39…First Non-Astro hit…Roger Clemens??? Why is not one person booing this putz???
7:40…Cannot believe we’ve gone away from game action to talk to General Admission about this horrid train…first double play…Bogar to Biggio to Bagwell…very nice…bailed Docs sorry ass out.
7:46…Clemens is starting to get it working…collects his 4th strike out on Gooden…As per usual, Drayton is not paying any attention to the game…
7:49…Biggio collects the first Houston Walk…immediately dives in the dirt to get his jersey dirty…well dirtier…HE looks so damn weird in that new batting helmet…
7:52…First example of questionable scorekeeping…Derek Jeter committed an error, Roger Cedeno was given a hit anyway…2 real obvious statements…Cedeno is faster than Pancho’s through a colon and Bagwell is swinging for the damn fences…
7:53…and then goes opposite field…First Double!!!…Biggio scores the first RUN…Pigpen! Pigpen!!! This Shiner is for you…!
7:57…1,000th use of the word “awe” by Bill Brown…
8:00…First dirty look given to an outfielder by Craig Biggio…alright I’ve got to go back to the office…8 beers will do that…
8:08…Mitch Meluskey just solidified his position on the team…big blast for a double, and heads up base running to move to third on the passed ball…
8:09…Meluskey just jeopardized his place on the team…boneheaded base running…hope for his sake he was told to look like an idiot…
8:16…First break away to talk about the food…Eschenfelder is eating hotdogs…on the air…wow, talk about lowest common denominator programming.
8:17…Dammit broke the seal…more office time for me…Maybe some popcorn would be good…HMMMMMMMMM…. Butter-flavored grease…
8:22…Oh yeah Knoblauch is a really good defensive player…more RBI opportunities for Jeff Bagwell…more Shiner Bock for me!!!
8:26…Cammy liked the Twins preview so much, he decided to look the part…this popcorn is right tasty…
8:29…Once that seal gets broken…. plug the dyke (not a porn movie) with more beer!!! Eschenfelder is now licking Tal Smith’s hindquarters…Smith is starting to look a lot more like T.G. Shepard
8:32…First home run in Enron Field goes to Ricky Ledee and it goes to Right…So I was wrong on both counts…2-1, and before I could stop typing, Knoblauch gets a hit, Gooden is sucking again…
8:35…Jimmy D and Brown are extending the 15 minutes of fame for that idiot kid who grabbed the ball in the Yankees/Orioles playoff game a few years back…cold Shiner Bock and pop corn…
8:37…It’s official…Doc Gooden sucks…and I’m intoxicated…and I have popcorn stuck in my teeth…4-2, Janquis
8:41…Does anyone know why Kentucky Fried Chicken is hocking those ridiculous sandwiches during a pitching change? Is Milo the producer?
8:56…Greg Lucas is interviewing some “special-in-a-short-bus-kind-of-way” fans sitting in the last row…the kid likes to see the sky…I love Shiner…and my bathroom.
9:03…The Astros debut of Yorkis Perez…Gooden’s line blew…5 IP, 5ER.
9:06…Jose Lima has somehow made it in front of a camera and microphone…May the deity keep him from singing…
9:09…The Wheels have officially fallen off…Chuck Knoblauch is stealing bases…this one on Paul “Defensive Specialist” Bako…oh great…now Leyritz is going to hit…all we need…man…I’m starting to get sleepy…
9:15…Perez finally got out of the damn inning. Did he reach a 100 pitch-limit as well???
9:23…Anyone else tired of seeing this freakin fat man in a bra commercial? Now I can’t watch Sport Geniuses, just on principle…
9:28…First error…I’d give it to Spiers…low ass throw…low like the level of my beer…Time for another Shiner, right after this trip to the bathroom…this game has become somewhat of a yawner…Now’s the time you’d like to see Eschenfelder’s mug riding trains, eating hot dogs or trying on souvenirs…
9:34…Announced attendance 40, 600…are you telling me that 1,400 people didn’t go this freakin’ game and I couldn’t get one measly ticket…Oh my god…and now we’re talking about the weather…I’m about to start sawing logs…
9:37…Bagwell finds the wide-open spaces…Cedeno is just like lightning on the base paths…5-3
9:38…I think Alou is all the way back, of course I also think that having another Shiner would be a good idea…and yes I did leave that second beer in the freezer…dammit.
9:40…Okay I awake now…I think we need to keep Daryle Ward…Now show me the freakin Train, and the gas pump and the damn scoreboard…arrrrrrggghhhhhhhh
9:42…Billy Wagner’s up in the bullpen….YESSSSS!!!! Someone made Mrs. Lee Brown put on an Astros cap…
9:46…So long an at bat…I swear if Bako removes the save opportunity and I don’t get to see Billy the Kid pitch…
9:50…Wagner is on…sweet…Did they play Enter Sandman??? Felix Jose has been playing so long I’m surprised he’s got flaps on his helmet…
9:51…Strike-out
9:52…Pop-out
9:53…This is just freaking electric…Strike 3 against Jeter….I love it…
All’s well that ends well…Great game, great opener…now…it’s time…Let’s play ball for real…