Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
It’s very comforting to me to see that, shockingly enough, The Houston Astros are still the team to beat in the National League Central.
After an off-season that saw the No-Longer-In-Motion-Stars show mercy in general on the rest of the division by trading Mike Hampton to the Mets and specifically to the Chicago Cubs and the residents of Waveland Ave. by getting Carl Everett out of the National League completely, one might be led to believe that the gap had been closed between the Stros and the rest of the scrubs in the Central. If you watch enough ESPN or Fox Sports Net, you might actually come to the conclusion that the Reds have surpassed the “mud n’ blood” crew.
However, it?s necessary to keep in mind that the Astros a) dealt from a position of strength and depth in both the Hampton and Everett deals and b) still have Tough Tony Eusebio on the roster.
Sure the Reds picked up possibly the greatest player Keith Olbermann ever saw in Ken Griffey, Jr. And maybe the Natty-wagon is right and they actually DO have more than 2 pitchers in Cincinnati. But they don?t have Tony Eusebio, with his fresh brand of behind the plate smack and pleasing aroma.
The Cardinals still have the Big Tweet, a maturing J.D. Drew and a star in waiting at third with Fernando “DSS” Tatis (the ears, my maign). And sure they picked up 3 pitchers who not only eat a lot of innings, but also manage to suck blue whales in most of them. But they too lack Tony Eusebio?s special brand of clubhouse leadership and poker playing ability.
Looking up and down the other rosters in the Central, nowhere except H-Town will you find the man, the myth, the Dominican Donger who answers simply to Tony. He?s a cool customer, that Tough Tony. Smooth with the ladies as he is behind the plate is Eusebio.
Despite what my other esteemed columnists on this site think about him, I predict Tony “El gordo grande pero malo” Eusebio will smack 40+ home runs, the key being his amazing ability to hide his pull power. Face it; Eusebio has been suckering the NL for 7 seasons now, allowing all manner of pitchers to beat him inside. This year, he finally unleashes the monster “Power of the Chaw” on the NL. (Look for Tough Tony to reprise Earl Campbell?s famous Skoal advertisements around the all-star break this year.) Cuidado pero malo, indeed.
Mark my words; Tony Eusebio will make the difference in the NL Central this year. It?s just as valid as any other predictions you?ll be seeing this spring.
Motivational Jalapenos
Evidently, the brain surgery didn?t take full effect. In a recent interview, Astros manager Larry Dierker said that he has challenged the fossilized Dwight Gooden to “become the number 3 pitcher” for the Astros in the 2000 season. “If I were him, I’d say I?m going to beat those guys out and if we’re going to drop somebody out of a start, it?s going to be somebody else and not me,” said a hopped-up-on-goofballs Dierker.
Inspired by the way the words were flowing off his lips, Dierker was also seen challenging Ken Caminiti to “stay upright”, Moises Alou to “star in a wacky sit-com”, Alan Ashby to “be interesting” and Mike Maddux to “be the best tree he can be.”
Special Recognition
I’d like to take a minute to send out mucho props to Jose Lima for making sure I will never, ever even think about dining at a Casa Ole.
Around the League
Anyone else notice that Jack Sprat’s wife seems to be playing both corner outfield spots in Cincy this year. If Junior can make a difference in the Natty, it’ll be less on offense and more in the field as he’ll not only have to range to his right to cover Bionic Fat Bichette (he who will be struggling to have his on base percentage match his weight) but at the same time range to his left to cover Dmitri Young’s well documented deficiencies around anything green that isn?t also battered and fried. The Natty-wagon needs to get used to hearing the following phrase – “Long fly hit to Young – and the runner takes third.”
The biggest move the Mess have made this off-season was two-fold. First they released Bobby Bonilla (who frankly, should have taken that payoff as a sign from the Deity and head to the ranch). Secondly, they somehow managed to get him on the Braves roster. If Bobby Slow makes any appearances in Suddenly Single Ted’s Edifice of Greed this year as a Bravo, that, more than Hampton, Mike Piazza, Robin Ventura or Derek Bell (BWAHAHAHAHA) will account for a Mess Championship in the East.