Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
It’s as if the most evil, most vile forces in nature (at least those not named Christopher Walken) have convened at Riverfront Stadium this season to awaken a dead from the neck up franchise in Cincinnati and give the Astros their first challenge for a division title in three years (sorry Pittsburgh).
Unfortunately, the evil is real and the evil is legit, and unless Father Karras awakens from his dirt nap at the bottom of the stairs, the Astros are on their own to face the Sons of Sin-ergy.
If you have any doubt that the Reds are evil, lets just examine the facts. First of all, red is the color of blood sacrifice, and to top that they’ve added black. Their only competition for the division has been struck by more bizarre, almost supernatural injuries that our voodoo friends in Baton Rouge could shake a chicken carcass at. Bad ju-ju indeed. Their former owner obviously died at least 30 years ago, and yet still sits ghoulishly in her box with her hefty hound of hell, overlooking her dark lord’s handiwork. Ron Villione, suddenly able to pitch after so many years without this skill has either made a deal with the devil or has been watching too many Disney movies, either way a sign of pure evil. (Have you seen the New Mickey Mouse Club?!?)
Besides chanting, “The power of Dierk compels you,” over and over while splashing Gatorade on one another, what can the Astros do? Here are a few suggestions to fight the powers that be…
Unleash the power of the Dominicans. You can’t tell me Jose Lima, Moises Alou and Tony Eusebio don’t know anything about voodoo. The Haitians and the Dominicans account for 95% of all curses and miracles in the world. (Catholics and people who win big in Vegas account for the other 5%.) Get each of them to call their mothers and get some “help” if you know what I mean. Tough Tony looks like every witch I’ve ever met in New Orleans; that’s got to be worth something.
Reinstate the Church of St. Biggio. As Craig goes, so goes the Stros. Recently, the followers have doubted St. Biggio’s ability to produce miracles. Like keeping that bitchy little Tinkerbell alive, a little faith in the infallibility of Biggio might go a long way.
Exorcism of the Lame and Injured. No team has lost as many player/games to injury as the Astros this year. Mitch Meluskey may be too far gone, but maybe some silly Old World rituals could help Alou, Ken Caminiti, Richard Hidalgo, Derek Bell, Biggio and Scott Elarton. Look what it did for Linda Blair…truth is all that was wrong with her was a torn labrum (Watch where you put that crucifix, Linda.)
The Baton Rouge Connection. Knowing that Baton Rouge was a misprint, and was actually named “Raton Rouge” or “Red Rat” in French, there needs to be something to overcome that. Perhaps a convention of all the Eusebio lookalikes in Louisiana could be gathered to put together some good ju-ju for the stretch run.
Is Jobu busy? Well it worked for Pedro Cerrano. Maybe a small piece of Eev-viel (as in the frew-ettes of the Dev-viel)would make the Moving Stars immune to the Reds altogether, much in the same way a flu shot prevents you from getting the flu. It’s that or peeling a piece of Drayton’s business suit off every time the Stros win a game…and no one wants that
I’m convinced (5 months into the season, idiot) that the Reds are legit this year. They have veteran leadership and some good young players, as well as guys from out of nowhere having career years. I’m just as convinced that the Astros’ problems are only as deep at their injuries.
Either way, it’s nothing denouncing Satan like a Baptist on amphetamines won’t cure.
Here’s A Little Story ‘Bout A Man Named Shane…
Shane Reynolds has pissed off teammates in the past….especially with his frugal behavior. Well, this past winter, Shane borrowed a power drill from Luis Gonzalez, his next door neighbor. Well, after a couple of weeks, Luis came to get it back and Shane said he couldn’t give it back to him yet because he still had some work to do with it.
Luis’ response – “Jesus Christ, don’t you make enough f***in’ money to buy your own damn drill?”
Astro Of The Week… He may have a horrible attitude. He may want to destroy every stadium he plays in, including the Dome. He may run like he’s got a load in his drawers. But Carl Everett has been money since coming back from the DL. He’s crushing the ball and flashing the leather. He’s the only reason we weren’t swept by the Pie-roots this weekend. He’ll probably be playing right in Derek’s absence, so he’ll get even more of a chance to show what a freakin’ stud he is. Only the second 2 time winner in Zipper Flap history – Carl, this Bud’s for you.
DisAstro Of The Week… You hate to pick on a guy who has carried the franchise for so many years, but Jeff Bagwell step on down. Batting less that .220 for a month and looking clueless at the plate will always draw the attention of an astute baseball aficionado such as myself. I don’t know if it’s the mechanics of the swing, an extension of the annual contact lens problems (They’re doing wonderful things with lasers these days, Jeffrey…) or the fact that he’s still pouting because his glove was stolen, but it’s time to step it up. Tired and slumping doesn’t cut it at this time of year.