Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
I’ll admit, it’s been quite a while since I’ve talked large amounts of smack towards an opponent. So it’s time to get back in practice.
For all the magical comebacks that the Reds have produced, for all the great work their bullpen does, for all the gold chains that Greg Vaughn wears, all the “aw-shucks” crap that Jack McKeon has been spouting, the Reds will not win the division.
Here are the reasons why, A to Z. If you think these suck, send me better ideas via the e-mail address above and I’ll put them in an upcoming column.
A – Aaron Boone. I don’t care if he’s a third generation major leaguer. I don’t care if he’s Brett’s less-successful brother. I don’t care if he’s related to Daniel Boone and is heir to the Boone’s Strawberry Hill fortune. Aaron is NOT a major league third baseman.
B – Bad Karma. As long as Adolf is still sitting in her box, there have to be spiritual forces working against the Fuhrer.
C – Cynergy. The worst stadium in Major League baseball. None of the amenities of the newer parks, none of the history of the old parks. And for some reason these freaks can’t win there. Are their wives that bad in the kitchen?
D – Depth. Amount similar to the Mr. Turtle pool you used to swim in as a child.
E – E-7. Dmitri Young’s ridiculous love triangle with lunch buffets and Loreal hair care products will cost the Reds 2 games down the stretch.
F – Fielding. Outside of Larkin and Reese, they don’t do enough of this well.
G – Grasping at Straws. What chasing the Astros is going to feel like come September. Have fun looking up.
H – HPD. In 1986, they tried to arrest the entire Mets roster when they hit Houston. This year they’ll be successful.
I – Irritation. No matter how well they play, they can’t quite seem to catch the half-power Astros.
J – Just happy to be here. Besides Larkin and Vaughn, no one else has won in the post-season. Most haven’t even been there outside of the realm of Sony PlayStation.
K – Greg Vaughn is slowly accumulating a Bell-sized amount of these.
L – Labrum. How much longer can Pete Harnisch’s hold out?
M – Money. The Reds haven’t spent enough of it to win.
N – Neagle. Looks good so far, but he doesn’t have enough left to be “the man”.
O – Obituary. What the Standings will start to look like for the Reds in about 3 weeks.
P – Parris. Whispers are he’s done for the year.
Q – Quagmire. Looking up at the Astros and Braves for a playoff spot has got to feel like one for the hapless Reds.
R – Ragtime. Jack McKeon predates this musical period.
S – Sucking. What just about everyone on the Reds roster has done for the breadth of their careers.
T – Tomko. As in his ego will rear its ugly head as he is faced with pressure for the first time.
U – Ugly. What a certain 2 game series in Houston will be for the Reds.
V – Villone. Ron, your 15 minutes are up.
W – Waiver wire deals. No matter what moves they make before August 31st, they can’t trump Everett, Alou, Guiterrez and Caminiti.
X – Xylotomous. When is comes to the Reds bats, Lima, Reynolds and Hampton are.
Y – Yearning. For the playoffs. A feeling that will continue after October 3rd for the Reds.
Z – Zepplin. They’ll start calling them the Cincinnati Hindenbergs by September.
Astro of The Week: Carl “C4” Everett. Was there really any choice? Even though he was on the roster for only 4 games and only appeared in three of those games, C4 went 9 for 13 with 3 homers and 13 RBI. No Astro was close in any of those categories, as Everett single handedly punked the Cubs over the weekend. He also gets props for being the first really valuable guy to come back from the DL this year. Honorable mention goes to Russ “Gator” Johnson. In a fashion so quiet, it’s been described as “Stepford-like”, Johnson has quietly brought up his average to the .280’s and is providing a rock solid glove and good discipline at the plate in his second tour this year with the Stros. More importantly, he hasn’t bitched once about his “role” on the team.
DisAstro of The Week: Richard Hidalgo. Sometimes being a defensive stud just isn’t enough. Despite leading the league in outfield assists (by the way, WHO is still trying to get an extra base on this guy?!?) and being saddled with the worst nickname in baseball, it’s getting really hard to cut this guy any slack as his average continues to shrink to Gerald Young-levels. He looks pretty clueless at the plate these days. Maybe a nice look at the game from a different vantage point – say one that’s rife with sunflower seeds – is in order.