Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
I’ve always wanted to give arbitrary player grades at arbitrary points of the season. I think it’s the right of every deity-fearing (how PC) Amer-I-Can to give capricious grades to anything and everything they can…So at 26-16 coming into Monday night’s match up against the Rockies’ (BWAHHAHAHAHA) ace Brian Bohanon, the Astros are the best team in baseball. How are the individuals who make up our team shaping up at the Quarter Pole? Here’s my opinion, because you all wanted to know…Moises Alou (F)
as in “F”alling off a treadmill and tearing his ACL. Wink wink, Nudge nudge…Say no more…I hope that the Ron Gant Commemorative Dirt Bike Accident Hospital has experience in treating this type of specialty injury.
Jeff Bagwell (A++)
In the early stages of an MVP type season. It remains to be seen if Money can make himself a factor as the onlyest power hitter in the line-up for the next month or so without sacrificing his new approach at the plate. He’s currently ahead of his 1994 pace…
Paul Bako (A-)
After getting hosed despite a huge Spring Training, Bits pouted in AAA for the first month, but has been large for the Stros as a cheaper, stronger version of Brad Ausmus. Keeping his batting average above .300 will be a huge step towards making the Hun look smarter than any GM in baseball.
Glenn Barker (B+)
.455 average and solid defense. Needs to take a Jeff Bagwell class on base running, even though his blinding speed makes up for a lot of mistakes. If he played more and talked more, I’d love to start calling him Willie Mays Hayes…Another good move for the Hun.
Derek Bell (D)
Derek is right now one of the most overpaid, under-producing outfielders in baseball. Of course this should be expected, as this is an odd numbered year. The loss of Caminiti for the next 15-30 days is going to prove once again that Bell can’t hit without Bagwell behind him. Hopefully he can put something together resembling quality play by the time the playoffs roll around, but somehow I get the feeling that he’s going to keep grasping the “I led this team in 8th inning doubles during the month of August” crap that he’s been spouting recently.
Sean Bergman (C-)
Looking more like the Bergman of San Diego’s past. Has been a serviceable 5th starter so far this year. Unfortunately he’s the 4th starter and so far, he’s been one of the biggest disappointments this year, with an ERA climbing ever-closer to 5, and a seeming inability to get key outs.
Craig Biggio (B-)
Has been above average, but not up to the expectations that teammates and fans have come to have of him year in and year out. Seems to be steadier in the field and continues to pound doubles. But we sure would like to see a few more singles out of him. And lay off the freaking sliders all ready. Can’t lay off em, can’t hit em.
Tim Bogar (B)
Filling in nicely with his glove with Guity shelved for at least another month. Bat was a surprise for a month or so, but he’s steadily dropping back to the .240-.250 range. Truthfully, any offense is icing, since Bogar is so adept at flashing the leather, and doesn’t seem to suffer from ADD on the routine plays.
Ken Caminiti (B-)
Suffering from less power than New York during the summer of Sam. He’s been a steadying force on the left side of the infield (especially once his ankle got better). Good batting average, but only grades out this high for not complaining when Dierker sits him and hoping he pays off big time in the playoffs by actually being healthy.
Dave Clark (Q-F)
Q dropped the Astros while failing coursework…met none of the minimum requirements for degree completion.
Alex Diaz (B)
Short, nothing spectacular, but can provide steady bench play and seems to be an improvement over Dave Clark, which while not saying much, is better than nothing.
Scott Elarton (A+)
The Outlaw has been nothing short of spectacular in relief this year. His 32 K’s in 24 IP hints at the dominance he can bring once Dierk moves him to his Deity-given position in the rotation. Keeps the women interested with his Nuke LaLoosh frame and really scraggly beard.
Tony Eusebio (A-)
Tough Tony has been on a season long mission to make Ray K. eat massive amounts of Crow. This might be his last hurrah with the Stros, but he’s making the most of it, playing good defense, calling solid games and pretending to be a hitter, batting .299 and actually collecting more hits per AB than St. Biggio.
Carl Everett (B+)
Would rank higher, if he had one of his upswings for longer than a week. Steady in the outfield and probably the most fiery every day player we have. Needs to start providing better power numbers with Cammy joining Alou on the DL. And heck, he needs to start mouthing off a little bit more than he does, if for nothing else but my entertainment.
Ricky Guiterrez (INC)
Before he broke that bone in his arm, he was doing a lot of things well. Of course that looked just like 1998, when he fell into the trap of playing like himself over the course of the second half of the year. With just 42 AB, it’s hard to make a call, so we won’t.
Mike Hampton (A+)
This year, he may prove that he’s a better pitcher than Tom Glavine, since both are being forced to cruelly deal with the same strike zone for the first time in their careers. Hits his spots, controls the games and gets big outs. He’s an All-Star right now and ready to take the “next step” so to speak…(anyone know exactly where this staircase or ladder is?)
Doug Henry (F)
Has been ridiculously ineffective. Because it’s due to injury, Henry would normally just receive an incomplete, but since it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that your elbow has hurt since last season, he earned the “F” by hurting the team by trying to gut it out with 8-inch bone spurs. Take care of the bod, Douggie…you might be able to draw that major league paycheck for a few more years…
Richard Hidalgo (C-)
Good power numbers, Incredible outfield defense. Needs to work on average and situational hitting. And for the Deity’s sake stop, pulling every damn ball that’s pitched to you. La Mala is only going to get better, but so far he’s just been asi asi. Has to come on strong for the Astros to improve any over last year.
Chris Holt – 1st Inning (Z-), 2nd-6th Innings (C+), 7th-9th Innings (who the hell knows?!?)
Encouraged as we can get by his performance Saturday, Holt needs to be in New Orleans getting up to speed. He is plain and simply unable to win a major league game right now. He needs to get a couple of wins in AAA and come back in a moth or 2 when his head is where it should be.
Jack Howell (D)
Veteran pinch hitter is about to become very, very important in the grand scheme of things. Needs to start providing power and doing it soon. Is a good club house guy, and has no agenda, which is keeping from wearing an F right now.
Russ Johnson (INC)
Needs to put up or shut up. Great player, great attitude, needs to take advantage of Cammy & Guity being hurt and really shine. Needs to be valuable enough to trade or replace Guity next year.
Jose Lima (A++)
I wish I could give him something higher, because right now he’s one of the best pitchers in the National League. Commands respect and media attention for the love-starved Stros. Gets extra points for pissing of the Al Martins and Steve Woodards of the world and truly appreciating what a blessing it is to be able to earn a living playing a game. Should be following Hampton up that next step this season. 8 down, 12 to go…El Loco es de maign, maign.
Jeff McCurry (INC)
I’m a feelin’ generous, because that 54.00 ERA should be getting blasted. Unfortunately, he’s not that far from his career numbers. He’s just taking up a roster spot at this point.
Mitch Meluskey (INC)
Great potential, little performance so far. Bleach needs to start cramming hard on his defense if he’s ever going to be what’s expected of him. Footwork, calling games, holding runners and slapping pitchers in the jaw for shaking him off should be his major course of study until spring training, 2000. Will be opening day catcher in the EFUS.
Trever Miller (B-)
Best ERA in a small sample size (only 8.2 IP) Gets the grade for not exploding yet this year. I get the feeling he’s taking up a roster spot just so Dierker can say he has a lefty in the bullpen. I’d probably give the guy a B+ if he spelled his name right.
Jay Powell (C+)
Hasn’t been as good a pitcher as he can be yet in 99, but has suffered from lack of work. Once he starts getting the innings he’ll go back to the form that made some of us (DOH!) willing to deal Billy Wagner for the Racket last winter. But so far, he’s average.
Shane Reynolds (B+)
Has taken a step back in the last three games to drop 2 of his last 3 decisions and his record to 7-3. Needs to get some sort of consistency and become the pitcher Paul G. wants to believe he is (San Jac conspiracy warning). Also needs a good nickname…Crawdaddy is starting to stick and Ace just doesn’t fit.
Bill Spiers (B-)
Batting average has plummeted in recent weeks, but he’s the man of the moment with Cammy’s injury. He’ll get his playing time and he finally broke that non-pinch hitting streak dating back to 1997.
Billy Wagner (A)
He’s blown a save, and cost Hampton a victory, but his willingness to throw that second pitch has made him 10 times the pitcher he was at the end of last 1998. His stock is rising. Now if he can just learn to plunk Raul Mondesi instead of pitching to him, he’ll be an elite closer.
Brian Williams (B-)
Rocky start which made some wonder if the Hiroshima Carp wanted him back for. He’s settled down and has been effective in limited use. Hopefully he’ll stay that way all year and thrive in the long relief role (that the Astros don’t really need).
Larry Dierker and the coaching staff (A)
Have taken a team whose injury list is starting to resemble Jonestown and molded it into the best team in baseball. The next big test is going to be life without Cammy for the next month. But he lets his players win games. He understands his pitchers and he doesn’t often think the Astros out of games. His staff is capable and is allowed to do their jobs. Dierk is the opposite of Bobby The Brain LaRussa and for that Astros fans should be eternally, eternally grateful.
Astro of the Week… The first 2 time winner, Jose Lima for ending 2 losing streaks this week and keeping our road trip respectable with a 2-0 record and a 2.40 ERA. El Loco es en fuego and needs 2 more wins to start worrying about the All-Star game. I have a feeling we’re on the threshold of something really, really huge with this guy.
DisAstro of the Week… Any Astros who appeared on national media in the past week, whether it’s radio, television or newspapers and didn’t back up Jose Lima. I am begging Biggio, Bagwell, Cammy or Dierker to answer the “Doesn’t Lima get on your nerves too?” questions like a teammate should. That is, “Hell no, Lima is the man and if other teams don’t like it they can kiss our collective asses. Lima is our boy and he speaks for all the Astros. Maybe if you don’t like being shown up, you should try hitting the ball instead of whining like a little girl when he retires your weak acts.