Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
As most readers of the Houston Chronicle noticed Sunday morning, MLB beat writer Carlton Thompson ranked Ted and Jane’s Little Underachievers ahead of our beloved Stros in his entirely arbitrary weekly “Which Team Do I Love The Best?” power poll. And of course, some of you true believers had a problem with this, based on a) The Astros have a better record than everybody in the Senior Circuit and b) The Astros aren’t part of an evil media conglomerate (as portrayed in the 1997 James Bond movie, Tomorrow Never Dies) run by a drunk inbred hillbilly and his uber-liberal, commie-lovin, womyn, Hanoi-Jane.Initially, I understood why the Bravos would be ranked ahead of the Stros. They’re the freakish team of the nineties, after-all. And even though they feature some of the biggest whiners in baseball, they’ve been damn good for a really sickeningly long time. But upon further examination, the officials have over-ruled the call. Carlton Thompson is wrong (first time ever… really!)
First of all, I do realize it’s early in the year and there’s plenty of time for Leo Mazzone to start bouncing around the dugout again like a elementary school with a Riddlin shortage, but right now they’ve got some big huge ugly question marks.
Sure the bullpen always comes up, but they’re actually better off without Mark “Count Walkula” Wohlers, and everyone knows Sparerib Hudek was finished 3 years ago. But why beat a dead horse? Let’s beat some live ones.
Gilligan Maddux and Huck Glavine are a combined 6-6 with an ERA nearing 4.50. Combine that with Kevin Millwood’s 2-3, 3.98 and Odalais Perez’s very rookie 1-1, 5.46 numbers and you have a rotation reeking with adequatulance… or maybe they’re just reeking.
Ryan “Donut Truck: Episode I, the Powdered Menace” Klesko is surprising with that monster .304 average, but the simp has no power and is even worse in the field.
Slacker Jones is showing his ability to match Derek Bell, weak stat for weak stat, and his starting to show his playoff-level defense.
Walt Weiss, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…no really…he’s good enough to keep Ozzie Guillen and his robust .129 average in the league.
Even John Smoltz, perhaps the only Braves pitcher who hasn?t lived off of umpire stupidity since 1995, has joined in by getting lit up like a bottle rocket in the hands of a redneck child by the Schlubs on Sunday.
I think the emperor probably still has clothes on, but they’re looking more and more out of style. And like bellbottoms, G.A.S.S. shoes and those huge freakin’ non-fitting, low-hanging jeans that teenagers are wearing (Memo to people who listen to Brittney Spears and The BackStreet Boys: I don’t want to see your drawers, freakazoids. Stop being in-duhhh-viduals, and wear some clothes with less slack.), maybe the Bravos need to be put in a trashcan fire, and burned like the horrible mistakes in judgements they really are.
Around the League…
Speaking of mistakes, The Red-Stockings of Cincinnati can’t pay any of their players enough money to stand in against Mark Wohlers, so they’ve found an inflatable doll for the Headcase to pitch to. Contrary to popular belief, Wohlers is not “dating” his doll, but they have been seen taking “tea and biscuits” together.
You Never Have To Apologize for Being Number One…John Boles, manager of the Fish That Saved Miami, on being compared to the suddenly dismantled Padres, “Don’t say they dismantled like we did. How dare you. We’ll fight you on that one. Hey, ours was catastrophic. No one has ever dismantled like we dismantled. We’re going down in history as the king of dismantlers. Nobody else compares to us. We’re No. 1.” So, you?re sure the glass isn’t half-empty?
Perhaps Huck Glavine and Gilligan Maddux should spend a little less time worrying about Heather Locklear’s flirtatious ways and worry a bit more about pitching.
Eric Karros, this is Raul Mondesi. He’s your teammate. Eric, Raul is having something called a “breakout season”. Eric, you should look into having one of those.
Evidently in the AL, you’ve either already won 20 games (Cleveland, New York, Texas, Boston and Oaktown) or you have a losing record (everyone else)…there is no in between. Any league where Tony Phillips could be an MVP candidate isn’t a real league.
Astro of the Week: Larry Dierker. Like most managers, Larry gets too much credit when things go wrong and not enough when things go right. But how many have dealt with losing an all-star outfielder, not to mention, losing a set-up man, a starting shortstop, a valuable (up yours, AstrosGuy) rookie catcher, and 2 coaches in the span of a few of weeks, and to still have your team post the best record in the REAL league? Dierk deserves all the props right now…all praise the Big Kahuna.
DisAstro of the Week: Astrodome Vendor No. 3687, LaRhonda Jackson. Not once, not twice, but three times this week this “Ambassador of Drayton” has screwed up my order. The latest snafu was putting sour cream on my Chopped Beef Baker, which is tantamount to letting your dog crap on my carpet and thinking it’s okay, because “I know you aren’t keeping this carpet”. She wins this week because I can’t find a player who has horribly sucked this week (okay, other than Jeff McCurry, he of the 54.00 era) enough to beat out the indefatigable Ms. Jackson. I’m hoping LaRhonda doesn’t wake up long enough to be told operations are moving to the EFUS next year.
