Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
Okay, I took a sabbatical…I don’t think it was necessary for Kevin and Scott to send me an AP story about Dennis Rodman being waived, but I got the hint…
Anyway as the wheels of mediocrity are slowly beginning to turn around the National League, crushing the pretenders like so many dried corn kernels whose only purpose in life is to become tortillas, we find a season beginning to take shape, and the serious players beginning to emerge. Extrapolation from small sample size is cool…
The Astros have assumed their rightful place amongst the top of the NL Central. All the kinks haven’t been worked out quite yet, demonstrated by that especially not-manly 30 runners left on base in the last series against the Fish That Saved Miami. But our Stars in Motion are right on their pace of last season: 16-10 after 26 games. The offense is starting to click. A suggestion would be to hit Hidalgo in the Clean-up spot and drop Cammy to 5th, but I’m just nitpicking. Bagwell smells like a MVP so far. And Bell has surprised by actually hitting in an odd numbered year so far.
Interestingly enough, El Loco is huge, as is Shane “Crawdaddy” Reynolds, and if Hampton and Bergman can continue to improve start by start, we’re looking at the best four starters this side of Ted Turner’s Ego Trip.
Which brings us to the weak link. Look for a decision to be made on Chris Holt pretty damn soon. This is not 1997. The Astros are expected to win, and win big in some circles. They don’t have the luxury of waiting for Holt to round into form. If they can find Nitro’s location (and gonads) and get Powell through May, after which he has historically been real damn tough, McCurry or Cabrera can fill a slot and the Outlaw moves into the rotation and gives us the best rotation, top to bottom in the NL.
Around the league, stupidity reigns supreme. This week’s culprits…
Our fiercely bitter rivals, the Pirates, have wheeled and dealt themselves four years of crap, by signing mediocre shortstop Pat Meares, who is teeming with adequatulance. I really hope they like being at .500 this last in the year, because Cam Bonifay, GM to the infirm, will never put together a team that does any better than that. Meares’ signing can be looked at in two ways. Either the uberkiddies Cam has been hyping are all 5 years away, or the ceremony to retire Mike Benjamin’s number is happening next week.
Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake the Room. Watch Raul Mondesi’s ego go boom.
Congratulations to E-7. After hanging around the beauty parlor, getting his hair done like all the other ladies, Reds outfielder Dmitri Young had heard all about getting a facial. Last week, The Defenseless Man decided to try it during a game and proceeded to run face first into the outfield wall in a feeble attempt on a fly ball. After his grill went splat and he was helped off the field, team doctors were confused. A spokesman for the team said, “It’s strange. We all saw his hideous mug hit the fence, but his ass is what looks really swollen.”
Player who most needs to quit talking about himself in the third person: JD Drew. JD Drew is starting to turn it around, but JD Drew is only batting .254 and has struck out more times (17) than JD Drew has hits (16).
As much as I hate the Cardinals, congrats have to go out to any team who whips Greg Maddux and his tired Professor schtick and makes him look more like the Gilligan he really is. Lets hope that this along with Glavine’s struggles (1-3, 4.61) we can start sounding the death knells for Ted & Jane’s playthings…If you clap really loudly, maybe this time Tinkerbell will die the horrible fairy death she deserves…
On another note…
What’s the deal with Astros and back to back clouts this year? Used to be you’d have to go 4 or 5 years to see it twice. In 1999, we’ve seen it 5 times in 26 games. Creatine? Andro? Probably just a sign of the Apocalypse…
And Finally…
Astro of the Week…Many candidates including Reynolds, Lima, Hampton, Bako and Everett, but we’re going with Jeff “I used to have Hockey Hair” Bagwell. Has been hotter than a Cuban umpire the last couple of weeks, and the MVP chants are growing loud early from such “reliable” outlets at E$PN and FOX (please take Keith Olberman’s face out of the dome). Hitting .358 with an ungodly OPS of .1131 with 8 jack-jobs and 22 RBI in 25 games, I think maybe raising his hands was a good idea…as my good friend Cullen Nash will tell you, of course it was.
DisAstro of the Week…Ray Knight. Currently in police custody for bitch slapping some other parent at his daughter’s little league softball game. I don’t know what the fight was over, but looking at Knight’s ever expanding physique, I’m guessing it was a hotdog or a sno-cone. He didn’t look good in stripes in Cincy, let’s hope his wife Nancy has a good lawyer.