Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
Sure I’m pulling a Dennis Rodman, but I’m not going to stop writing my column.
Wow one week into the season…what a surprise. The Dodgers have lived up to expectations, but who would have thought at the beginning of the year that Pittsburgh, New York and the Headcases would have won their divisions, with the Gints as the wildcard? I’ll bet heads are going to roll in Houston and Atlanta. What’s that? The season’s not over? There’s still a lot of season to be played? Get right out of town…
Martha Stewart must be Aghast… Talk has been swirling about The Wallet’s ability to horribly place 35 different placards for advertisers such as Chico’s Bail Bonds and E-Z Off Oven Cleaner. A) The Astrodome, despite my personal attempts at viewing the Dome in a Romantic way, is not an aesthetically pleasing building?in fact when there are only 20 or so people in it, it’s pretty damn ugly, latex garden be damned. And B) watch the video tape “When It Was A Game” and take a look at Yankee Stadium, Shibe Park, the Polo Grounds, and Fenway Park and start counting the advertisements on the outfield walls. If you’re a traditionalist, you should be in favor of outfield advertising.
The FAT PIG must be stopped… If you want to see a man more in love with his own gloss (and in bad need of an appointment with Cy Sperling) than Jim Rome, go no further than E$PN’s own effigy to ignorance, Baseball Tonight. When it’s hosted by the Lounge Lizard, Chris Berman, it is possibly the worst hour on television. Besides the ridiculous amounts of attention paid to yacks and K’s, rather than, oh say, I don’t know, ANY other part of the game, Berman has now just gone off the freakin’ deep end. Jim Thome can you hear me, Craig afternoon at the Biggio, and Tino’s Frozen Pizza Martinez are three of the worst examples of his booze-induced lunacy, but I know there are other worse offenses. None worse than that pink blazer he sports every chance he gets, but still pretty damn bad.
Most Asinine Thing I’ve Heard This Week? 4/11/99, “Sammy Sosa’s homer slump continued as he went 0-4 with a couple of long flyouts.” I realize no one knew who in the hell Sammy Sosa was (as tends to happen when you’re introduced in your own crib as “The Disappointing?”) before last year, but get off the guy’s back. He went 5 games without a fan-smacker…who the hell cares?
Arch-Rival Report… As I’ve been informed that the Pirates are the Astros arch rivals based on the fact the Bucs nearly reached .500 in 1997, every now and then I’m going to do an update and learn more about the hated rival Buccos… Since they are 4-3 at the time of this writing, I think it’s appropriate to let everyone know this is the deepest into the season that they’ve been over .500 since 94, when the great exodus was just about over. According to the Client, Bud Selig, “The Pirates have made everyone in baseball proud” because they conned the coal miners and steel workers to mortgage their children’s future to watch real teams come in and play the Schmuck-os?good job guys…
Quote of the Week… From the Detroit Free Press (okay I don’t know what paper it’s from, so I may be making that part up…) “45.00. Average miles per gallon for a Honda Civic — or Masao Kida’s ERA.”
Delusions of Grandeur… Maybe it’s living in Cincinnati, maybe that peroxide is seeping into the cavern where his brain should be, but someone should slap some sense into Dmitri Young. E-7 is talking major smack because he threw out two Gint base runners on Opening Day. On the Giants “They showed me no love. They thought I was just an infielder who couldn’t throw. Get used to it, you’re going to see a lot of it.” Unfortunately, no one mentioned the runners in question were the retired Gaylord Perry and the very deceased John McGraw.
Astro of the Week… The Much Maligned Carl Everett. The world may want him to fail, or at least one guy in Newark, but that guy was disappointed as Everett chimed in with a .364 average, .591 slugging percentage and a .391 on-base percentage. He’s hit in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots and he’s been one of the few consistent players the Stros have had so far in 1999. He’s also a bit insane, but don’t tell Child Protective Services…
DisAstro of the Week… While I really want to give this to Brian Williams for pitching the way we all knew deep in our hearts he was capable of (4.1 IP, 4 ER, 8.31 ERA), Doug Henry is this week’s winner. Maybe just because I actually expected something out of this guy. He’s been brutal in his 2 appearances to the tune of 2 homers and a 7.36 ERA in 3.2 innings pitched. How can your arm be tired at the beginning of the season? I guess it helps when you really suck.
I’m about done now…on sabbatical for another week…but don’t get too comfortable, true believers…Wherever the smack is weak, I’ll be there. Wherever the opinions are whack, I’ll be there. Whenever I get home at 4 in the morning, I’ll be there. Whenever Stats are being used incorrectly… well Ray K will be there, cause that’s really his gig, not mine.
Love, Peace and Hair-Grease…