Editor’s note – This article originally appeared on AstrosConnection.com.
Well, heck, first of all, welcome to my column. The fact that I have my own little corner of Kev & Scott’s AstrosConnection ™ ought to be proof to the Russ Johnsons of the world that hard work and consistently dominating your position will get you noticed, and eventually, you too, can play in the big leagues…
It has been suggested to me that the title of the column should have been “I’m Funny and You’re Not, That’s Why I Got a Column, So Deal With It.” But I thought that was a bit arrogant for my tastes, so I went with Zipper Flap, because a) Kev thought of a pretty cool graphic for that and b) “I’m Funny and You’re Not, That’s why I Got a Column, so Deal With It” wouldn’t fit on the masthead with Pine Tar Rag, Bleacher Rap and the other PERMANENT (yeah, that’s what I said) sections of the King Kong of Fan Sites…
So what can you expect and how often can you expect it? Due to my incredible negotiating skills, not only can I write a new column any time the mood hits me about any baseball subject I wish, but I get to do it for absolutely no compensation whatsoever. Kev & Scott’s business manager got me to agree to this over my 7th bowl of queso and 4th pitcher of Shiner Bock at SRO not too many Februarys ago…
But since it’s opening day, and the smells of mostly meat dome dogs and stale, cold dome foams are wafting heavily in the air, my thoughts have turned to reflection of Spring Training, and it’s time to hand out my 1st Annual Off-Season/Spring Training Awards.
Best New Meaning of a Nickname…Hideo “Tornado” Nomo…It used to have to do with his freakish, unnecessary windup, now it’s a lot more appropriate for his career…swoops down, does some damage and then drops off the radar screen. Welcome to Norfolk, Hideo…
Most Incredible Grasp of the Obvious…Jim Riggleman…”Maybe I should have been more firm in my desire to limit (Kerry Wood’s) innings last year.” Maybe you should be more firm in your desire to have more than one pitcher on that joke of a team…A question, was this argument with yourself? Aren’t you the MANAGER of the team?
Best Bob Vila Imitation…Kevin “Plumber” Brown…In an obvious (obvious to hugh mungus, anyway) steroid induced rage, the Plumber took a baseball bat to a toilet after one of his lesser paid teammates flushed said toilet and scalded Brown who was in an adjoining shower. One of the nice things about home renovation is having 105 million dollars. It allows you to try new things when re-modeling the bathroom.
Team People Still Fear for No Good Reason…The St. Louis Cardinals… Somehow letting Brian Jordan go for the arthritic Eric Davis (80 RBI in the AL? Whooo-hoo…I think Bob Uecker had 80 RBI one year in the AL) is an improvement. As long as Bobby the Brain keeps talking about Alan Benes coming back in August, the dead-birds are croutons. The whole team has said that last year was a bit of a sideshow atmosphere, and that in 1999 they’re going to focus on winning…a word, fellas…stick to the sideshow…
Most Asinine Justification of the Spring…Dan Duquette…For informing with glee to anyone who would listen that Jose Offerman was batting nearly .500 with 3 homers in Florida, while Mo Vaughn was batting under .200 with no homers. Dan, this may be the only time of the year this looks like a move in the Red Sox favor, so live it up.
Most Disappointing Cave-In…Davey Johnson…Promising to instill discipline in the LA Headcases, err, Dodgers, it was promising to watch Johnson tell Betsy-Wetsy Sheffield that he wasn’t playing right field and he wasn’t batting third. Cries-A-Lot started hinting at retirement…guess who’s hitting third and playing right when he gets back from his shoulder injury.
Ron Gant Commemorative Stupidest Injury Award…Moises Alou / Paul Quantril…whatever the circumstances of Alou’s injury turn out to be, they’ve got to be better than falling off a treadmill. And Quantril’s “sitting on my couch…okay, walking around…okay, flipping over a snowmobile on my leg” progression of excuses makes him a shoe-in for a Clinton Cabinet Position…
Biggest Hypocrites of the Spring…The San Diego Padres Organization…after crying poor about the inequities of being a small market team and how Rupert Murdoch’s Evil Conglomerate up the coast was killing baseball, they proceed to sign Trevor Hoffman, who plays in around 5% of his teams innings, to an 80 million dollar contract.
The George Steinbrenner “I Don’t Care If The Montreal Expos Can Afford To Stay In Business” Award for Ignoring the Fiscal Realities of 80% of Major League Baseball…Kevin Malone…When asked how much trouble Kevin Brown’s record signing would cause financially for other teams, the ever sensitive Malone said, “I don’t care about other teams. They’re all just jealous of the Dodgers. They all want to be just like us.” Quite a change from his Expos days of crying poor louder than Bud Adams trying to get a new stadium.
Most Ado About Nothing…The Houston Astros…Has anyone ever recalled anyone giving a rats ass about a team’s 5th outfielder? Does it really matter if it’s Ryan Thompson or Russ Johnson sitting at the end of the bench, not playing?
All Pitch, No Hit Award…The Arizona Diamondbacks…After spending $118 million in free agency, they have assembled maybe the best pitching staff that won’t have a 15 game winner on it in history. It’s a pick ’em as to who will be the biggest offensive weapon, former Astro Steve Finley or former Astro Luis Gonzales…and folks, if you didn’t catch it, that’s sarcasm.
The “We’ve Peaked, and We’re Kidding Ourselves” Award…The Pittsburgh Pirates…In a series of mind boggling maneuvers, the Bucs signed such luminaries at Ed Sprague and Mike Benjamin and willingly gave the brutally mediocre Kevin Young 6 million per year. They had the nerve to claim that they were at a point where they didn’t have to play AA guys anymore, they could sign veteran talent…well, they’re half right.
What In the Hell were you thinking Award…Gord Ash…Ever see a stuck pig? In what amounted to the best pitcher of his generation for a fat guy, a lawn ornament and an Australian, Ash once again deserves everything he got for trying to play the Hun.
It’s time…Head to the Dome, drink a beer, slap a Schlubs fan…
Play Ball and I’ll be back with new insights only this “mind” could provide…