submitted by Mr. Happy

Astros are Coasters this Weekend!

Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum
I smell smoke in the auditorium

Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He’s a clown, that Charlie Brown
He’s gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me

 That’s him on his knees
I know that’s him
Yeah, from 7 come 11
Down in the boys’ gym
 

Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He’s a clown, that Charlie Brown
He’s gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
(Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)
 

Who’s always writing on the wall
Who’s always goofing in the hall
Who’s always throwing spit balls
Guess who (who, me) yeah, you
 

Who walks in the classroom, cool and slow
Who calls the English teacher, Daddy-O
Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He’s a clown, that Charlie Brown
He’s gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
(Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)

 Your Astros, fresh off of a short three game homestand (courtesy of the crazy schedulers) against the Royals, invade the Left Coast and temporarily inhabit the absolute worst yard in the Show, bar none. The O(dious).Co Coliseum is a football stadium, end of story.  As much as you want to put lickstick on a pig (MRaup, I’m looking at you, out there in Puerto Rico!), it’s still a pig at the end of the day.

The Coliseum, where I’ve taken in many games, is a dump.  I’ve even been in the suites at the Coliseum, and I’ve seen nicer suites in minor league ball parks.  The only thing that I have nice to say about the Coliseum is that it has a wealth of foul ground for the pitchers, but, of course, it’s so much that many balls simply are out of the reach of the players.  Well, enough ranting about the Coliseum.  You came to read a series preview, and a series preview I have for you.

I’m not going to sugarcoat this.  The Astros suck at the plate right now, playing to a paltry .189 (32 points lower than the 29^th team in MLB) .264 .349 (as of April 16).  Hopefully, the infusion of Springer will shake things loose at the dish.  Last season, the Athletics dominated the series against the Good Guys, winning 15 of the 19 games, many of which were in rout fashion.  In 2014, the Astros pitchers are tossing to a 4.38 ERA in 15 games, which is a significant improvement over 2013.  The A’s are very solid once again, although they have suffered a considerable number of injuries to their pitching staff.

Game One pits short yet very talented righthander and former Vanderbilt Commodore Sonny Gray (2-0 0.95) against Jarred Cosart (1-1 4.00) for the Good Guys.

Collectively, the Astros are hitting .227 with no home runs and only three RBIs against Gray with 11 K’s in 44 ABs.  Our leading lights against Gray are Presley (2-6) and Altuve (2-7).  Krauss (0-6 with four K’s) sucks against Gray.

The Athletics are hitting .278 in 36 trips against Cosart with no home runs or RBIs and seven Ks and three walks.  As you can well imagine, Astrokilla Coco Crisp apparently sees Cosart well (2-4), and Josh Donaldson owns Cosart (4-5 with a double).

Take out the papers and the trash
Or you don’t get no spendin’ cash
If you don’t scrub that kitchen floor
You ain’t gonna rock and roll no more
Yakety yak (Don’t talk back)
 

Just finish cleanin’ up your room
Let’s see that dust fly with that broom
Get all that garbage out of sight
Or you don’t go out Friday night
Yakety yak (Don’t talk back)
 

Just put on your coat and hat
And walk yourself to the Laundromat
And when you finish doin’ that
Bring in the dog and put out the cat
Yakety yak (Don’t talk back)
 

Don’t you give me no dirty looks
Your father’s hip, he knows what cooks
Just tell your little friends outside
You ain’t got time to take a ride
Yakety yak (Don’t talk back)
 

Game Two features young tough luck lefty Brett Oberholtzer (0-3 3.50), who should sue his teammates for lack of run support, against portsider Scott Kazmir (2-0 1.40).  The Athletics are hitting .286 (6-21) against Oberholzer with a long ball and one RBI.  Unbelievably, Coco Fucking Crisp has no ABs against Cosart.  LF Yoenis Cespedes is 2-3 with a tater, while four different players have a hit in three official trips.  Meanwhile, C Derek Norris goes for his Oberholtzer Golden Sombrero (he’s 0-3 with three punch outs).

The Astros have had hitting success against Kazmir, who’s only 30—he certainly seems older than that, hitting .333 (8-24), but the Good Guys have not scored on Kazmir and have eight Ks.  Jose Altuve (3-6) and fucking Chris the Whiff Carter (2-4) seem to see Kazmir fairly well.

(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
 

Yeah, I’ve been searchin’
A-a searchin’
Oh, yeah, searchin’ every which a-way
Yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, searchin’
I’m searchin’
Searchin’ every which a-way
Yeah, yeah
But I’m like the Northwest Mounties
You know I’ll bring her in someday
 

(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
 

Well, now, if I have to swim a river
You know I will
And a if I have to climb a mountain
You know I will
And a if she’s a hiding up
On a blueberry hill
Am I gonna find her, child
You know I will
 

‘Cause I’ve been searchin’
Oh, yeah, searchin’
My goodness, searchin’ every which a-way
Yeah, yeah
But I’m like the Northwest Mounties
You know I’ll bring her in some day
 

(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
 

Well, Sherlock Holmes
Sam Spade got nothin’, child, on me
Sergeant Friday, Charlie Chan
And Boston Blackie
No matter where she’s a hiding
She’s gonna hear me a comin’
Gonna walk right down that street
Like Bulldog Drummond

‘Cause I’ve been searchin’
Oooh, Lord, searchin’, mm child
Searchin’ every which a-way
Yeah, yeah
But I’m like the Northwest Mounties
You know I’ll bring her in some day
 

Game Three was TBD for the Good Guys due to the DFA of Harrell.  According to Jeff Luhnow, it could have been either righthander Brad Peacock (0-1 7.45) or righthander Jerome Williams (0-1 8.00).  The Athletics will counter with righthander Jesse Chavez (0-0 1.35).  I was praying that it wasn’t Williams.  Why, you ask?  The Athletics are hitting a torrid .368 against Williams (39-106) with five home runs and 15 RBIs.

Williams ain’t exactly fooling them.  Eric Sogard (5-7 with a dinger), Craig Gentry (5-10), Brandon Moss (5-10 with a home run), Jed Lowrie (3-8 with a long ball) and Josh Reddick (4-9 with a tater) scorch Williams.  Unbelievably, Coco Fucking Crisp is hitting .222 (4-18) against Williams.  Luckily for us, my fervent prayers were answered, and Williams won’t be starting on the bump on Sunday.

The Athletics are hitting .231 (12-52) with one home run and three RBIs against Peacock.  Astrokilla Coco Fucking Crisp (4-7 with a cycle off of Peacock) and Eric Sogard (4-7) do the most damage against Peacock, while Josh Donaldson (1-7) and Jed Lowrie (0-7) bring up the rear against Peacock.

The Astros have had little success with Chavez, who’s held them scoreless at a .190 BAA (4-21) with six Ks and two free passes.  No Astro has more than one hit against Chavez, and only four Astros have hits against Chavez.

In the beginning, there weren’t nothin’ but rocks.
Then somebody invented the wheel—
And things just started in to roll!
 

Did you ever hear a tenor sax
Swingin’ like a rusty axe?
Honkin’ like a frog
Down in a hollow log?
Well, baby, that is rock and roll.
 

Did you ever hear a guitar twang,
Dingy, dingy, dingy, dang?
Ever hear those strings
Doin’ crazy things?
Well, baby, that is rock and roll.
 

That ain’t no freight train that you hear,
Rollin’ down the railroad tracks—
That’s a country boy piano man
Playin’ in between the cracks.
 

You say that music’s for the birds,
And you can’t understand the words?
Well, honey, if you did,
You’d really blow your lid,
‘Cause, baby, that is rock and roll.

Injury Report

 Astros

 The Astros have three players on the 15 day DL, including Jessie Crain, who’s expected back in early May after rehabbing from biceps surgery, Alex White, who’s been on the DL for his entire Astros career after 2013 Tommy John surgery, is expected back in May, but I ain’t buying it, and Asher Wojciechowski, who’s still suffering through a right lat strain.

Athletics

The Athletics are the walking wounded right now.  Coco Crisp is day-to-day with left hammy tightness.  Scott Kazmir is day-to-day with triceps tightness.  The A’s have three players on the 15 day DL: SS Jake Elmore (strained left quadriceps), who’s expected back sometime in April, righthander A.J. Griffin (right flexor muscle strain), who’s expected back possibly in April, and the Angel of Doom, former Astro reliever Fernando Rodriguez, who’s presently out on a rehab assignment while recovering from 2013 Tommy John surgery.  Two A’s, reliever Eric O’Flaherty, who’s rehabbing from 2013 Tommy John surgery, and who could be back this season, and starter Jarrod Parker, who just had season ending Tommy John surgery, are on the 60 day DL.

Prediction

 Athletics sweep in a group of close games.  Progress is being made.  It will be fun to watch Springer play.  Come follow along in the Game Zone!

submitted by Bench

It’s wonderfully early in the season, which means we can believe that the quality pitching will continue but that the bats will somehow turn around.  It could happen, so we might as well indulge ourselves.  Sadly, “it could happen” is always the dark side of the coin that the Royals represent.  For years now, we have heard about the loaded Royals farm system, and seen perennial rookie of the year candidates disappoint and fizzle out, or manage to put together some decent, but comparatively underwhelming seasons, years after their initial expectations were dampened.  This is our fear for the Astros.  Years and years of promising futures yield a field of limp clovers.  I think Sting had a horrible song along those lines.

Things managed to come together for the Royals last year, as once-uber prospects Mike Moustakas, Eric Hosmer and Alex Gordon finally all made contributions at the same time, and the short term decision to swap Wil Myers for James Shields stabilized the top of the team’s rotation. The Royals were actually playing meaningful games deep into September for the first time in a decade, and then again in a decade before that.  The Royals finished over .500 in 2013, 2003 and 1993.  So looks like the beginning of another decade of suck for them.  But hey, that’s plenty of time to keep their minor league system stocked with promising prospects.

Anyway, the Royals are proof that this is a tough business, and amassing an impressive array of minor league prospects is no guarantee of future major league success.  In Luhnow we trust.

Pitching Matchups:

Tuesday April 15 at 7:10 on a channel only Budgirl has and Limey won’t watch.

Yordano Ventura (0-0, 0.00 ERA) v. Lucas Harrell (0-2 11.05 ERA)

Ventura is one of the Royals’ never ending much-touted-rookies. In his first ever game he shut down the Rays for six innings, giving up just two hits and no walks but getting no decision.  Ventura has never faced the Astros or any of their players.  If this were 2003 that would guarantee a perfect game 27 K performance, but the curse of facing a hard-throwing right-hander for the first time seems to have abated in the last seven years or so.  Wishful thinking.

Harrell, well, what can we say about Harrell that Great Bagwell’s Beard didn’t already perfectly say?  This likely ends the recent run of Astros quality starts, though at times in his last start Harrell actually showed flashes of his 2012 stuff despite giving up 5 runs in 5 or so innings.  Omar Infante is 5-6 against Harrell, and current Royals are batting a collective .357 against him so expect some action on the base paths.  Prior to this game, the Royals dropped 5 straight road games.  Hopefully Harrell won’t fulfill his destiny as the opposing team’s antidote to losing streaks.

Tuesday, in addition to being an important day for our government’s ability to operate is also Jackie Robinson Day.  LJ Hoes will be wearing #42 in Jackie (and Jose Lima)’s honor.  LJ had this to say about the experience:

“It means a lot, just thinking about what he’s done for all minorities in baseball,” Hoes said. “Being African American, it’s something that’s going to be very special, and I’m very excited. Without him, I wouldn’t have this opportunity to be able to play Major League Baseball. Just realizing what he went through to create an opportunity for everybody to play Major League Baseball, it’s something that’s tremendous.”

Well put.  I’m also glad MLB has stopped making everyone wear the number 42 today as that was confusing enough, even when the roster was full of recognizable veterans.

Wednesay, April 16 at 7:10

Jeremy Guthrie (2-0 3.55 ERA) v. Dallas Keuchel (1-1 3.75)

Guthrie is Mr. April, having not lost a game in his last eight starts this month.  Castro and Dominguez have homered off of him, but nobody else on the squad has had considerable success.

Current Royals have only two extra-base hits off Dallas Keuchel in 33 at bats, both doubles.  Keuchel pitched beautifully in Toronto last week, so hopefully he can keep it going and get the pitching staff back on track post-Harrell.

Thursday, April 17 at 7:10

Bruce Chen (0-1 6.30 ERA) v. TBD (likely Scott Feldman (2-0 0.44 ERA))

Chen had a terrific first start this season against the White Sox, but was lit up by the Twins in his second outing.  Current Astros are only 2-11 off Bruce, despite the fact that he’s been around forever.  Chen is the most tenured Panamanian major leaguer and is known for regaling the youngsters with his madcap tales of stealing mangos from some angry gringo’s tree back home.

Feldman has been amazing.  He’s currently on the bereavement list spending time with his family after his father passed away last Wednesday.  He rejoined the team to pitch on Friday in a classic pitching duel against Darvish.  Our best wishes are with him and his family as they get through this difficult time together.  By all accounts, Scott’s father was a good person and he had a terrific relationship with his son, which is the best any parent and child can hope for.

And hopefully he feels up to pitching on Thursday because TBA usually fucking sucks when he’s pitching for the Astros.  But if not, that’s certainly understandable.  We all eagerly await Mike Francesca’s Hot Sports Take on Feldman’s “responsibilities.”

Baseball facts:

•   The Astros went 2-4 against the Royals last season, but both wins came at Minute Maid Park.

•   Maxwell hit .268 with five homers and 17 RBIs in 35 games for Kansas City after Luhnow traded him at the deadline last year.  He’s lurking on their bench now.

•   The Astros grounded into four double plays on Sunday and had two baserunners caught stealing (which marked the first CS of the season).

•   The Astros are hitting .189 with a slugging percentage of .354 as a team entering Tuesday.  That is horrible.

•   The Royals are off to their worst start on the road since going a franchise-worst 0-12 in 2006.

Non-baseball facts:

•   Prohibition never happened in Kansas City.  Missouri rejected statewide prohibition referenda three times, and once the 18th amendment was enacted Kansas City simply ignored it.  The federal prosecutor was on the payroll of local political bosses James and Tom Pendergast, and despite the fact that no bars closed and the liquor kept flowing, he never brought a single felony prosecution under the federal prohibition laws.

•    I’ve been following Game of Thrones only by reading recaps of the TV show, which is one of the dumber things I have ever done.  It seems like a neat story, but I don’t want to spring for HBO and between work and the young Son of a Bench (or Batkid if you prefer to honor the better half of the household) it’s taken me weeks to make a dent into the delightfully readable “The President and the Assassin:  McKinley, Terror, and Empire at the Dawn of the American Century.”  I can’t imagine when I could delve into ten thousand pages of Ice and Fire Songs.  Instead, I’m getting none of the enjoyment of watching or reading the story and ensuring that I never will.  Sadly, that is basically the same way I have to follow the Astros until CSN finally disintegrates entirely or I swallow my pride and ditch DirecTV for Comcast.

Here’s hoping the bats come around, the starting pitching stays the course, and the Astros can grab another home series.

(submitted by austro)

Thank You, Sir! May I Have Another?

Houston Astros (4-6) @ Texas Rangers (4-5)

The Astros generally fare poorly in Arlington at Whatever-It’s-Called-Today Ballpark-or-Stadium-or-Field, and given the recent performance of their wet noodle bats, there’s not much reason for optimism this time around, either. On the other hand, they’re playing the fucking Rangers and the games will be on TV even in Austin, so I’m expecting a lively time in the GameZone.

Friday, April 11, 7:05 CDT

Feldman (2-0, 0.66) vs Darvish (1-0, 0.00)

Feldman has a .241/.282/.398 line against active Rangers. Kouzmanoff and Wilson have .429 averages, but in only a handful of ABs. Rios has 11 hits and 2 homers in 35 ABs. Fielder only has one hit in 6 ABs, but it’s a homer.

Darvish obviously hasn’t had much trouble with the Astros, sporting a .171/.225/.329 line. Dominguez has 3 hits in 11 ABs, and Krauss and Gonzalez have combined for 5 hits in 14 ABs. Carter brings up the rear, naturally, with an 0-8 with 6 Ks.

Over/under on Astro hits against Darvish: 2 ½.

Saturday, April 12, 7:05 CDT

Cosart (1-1, 4.09) vs Scheppers (0-1, 9.00)

The Rangers only have 14 PAs against Cosart, with a .231/.286/.538 line to show for it. Beltre (2-3, double and homer) and Rios (1-3) have the only hits, but only five current Rangers have faced him.

The Astros are 8-23 in 28 PAs against Scheppers, so there is some hope for the good guys’ offense in this one. Altuve (3-7), Carter (!) (2-6), and Grossman (2-2) are the leading lights.

Prop bet: Which will be greater, Astro runs or Carter strikeouts?

Sunday, April 13, 7:05 CDT

Oberholtzer (0-2, 4.91) vs Perez (1-0, 4.50)

Oberholtzer has a .286/.318/.381 career line against current Rangers. Once again, Beltre is the guy to watch out for: he’s 3-4 with a double. Martin is 2-5 with a walk. Moreland has the only other hit, which was a double.

The Astros are hit-or-miss with Perez: Carter (!) is 6-11 with a double and two homers, and Altuve is 3-7 with two doubles. Nobody else who’s likely to play has done squat.

Over/under on Ron Washington confused cocker spaniel stares during the game: 5 ½.

Injuries

Astros

Jesse Crain: Still recovering from biceps surgery. Could be back in mid-May.

Alex White: Still recovering from Tommy John surgery. Could be back in May, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Asher Wojo: Still suffering from a lat strain. Day-to-day, I guess.

Jerome Williams: Day-to-day with a groin strain. Sorry, I can’t help myself: it never gets old.

Rangers:

Adrian Beltre: Day-to-day with a strained quad, and killing my fantasy team while he’s away.

Engel Beltre: Crushed ego from living in the shadow of Adrian. Also has a broken tibia.

Matt Harrison: Back surgery. May be back in late April.

Derek Holland: Knee surgery from some fluke off-season accident. Back at the All-Star break.

Joseph Ortiz: Fractured left foot. May be back at the All-Star break.

Jurickson Profar: Torn muscle in his right shoulder. Due back mid-to-late June.

Joe Saunders: Bruised left ankle. Due back in late April.

Geovany Soto: Knee surgery. Due back mid-to-late June.

Not only are these guys a bunch of obnoxious pricks, they’re fragile, too. Unfortunately, that won’t keep them from taking this series 2-1. But at the end of the series, the Astros will get to leave the Metroplex, and the Rangers will still be stuck there.