By Craig Elliott

Zeke Astacio came out looking like the goat in Game Three, but honestly we should have never seen him. The Astros had more than enough chances to win. When you leave that many guys on base, especially in the late innings, then it may come down to Zeke Astacio and Geoff Fucking Blum.

But now we have to move along and take Game Four. Both bullpens got a workout last night, so let’s hope Backe can go deep into the game. Some Astro hitters going deep would be nice too.

When:
Wednesday, October 26, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

It looked a little tense in there Tuesday night; the deathly quiet at key moments is unnerving. But I have to say, I don’t think I?ve ever been so intent on one at-bat, and even one pitch, as when Ensberg had the 3-2 count with the bases loaded. But he whiffed.

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By Craig Elliott

Christ, what a time for Scott Pencildick to hit his first homer of the season. Throw in some costly Astros miscues and some shitty-ass umpiring, and we’re down 0-2. Not to take away from the White Sox because they’ve played great, but the Astros can beat these chumps.

And now we get to see these fuckers go up against Roy Oswalt. If Roy is dealing like he was against the Cardinals, then the White Sox won’t be getting a lot to hit. Sox starter Jon Garland, who has a total of 12 major league at-bats, should especially enjoy getting to bat against Oswalt. On the other hand, you know the Sox are licking their fat American League lips at the Crawford Boxes.

When:
Tuesday, October 25, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

Congratulations to everyone who gets to go to the first World Series game in Houston. If you see Bud Selig there, you might ask him why the fuck it’s OK to risk player injuries in that slop in Game Two, but it’s not permissible to close the roof at Minute Maid. It’s like MLB has to crush any semblance of fan participation. Well, except for yelling “Fuck you Berkman” or pulling Patty Biggio’s hair. (Though to be fair, Ozzie Guillen did say the hair-puller should be brought before him in the dugout for a little hometown justice. Probably involving chickens and blood.)

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros had plenty of chances to win Game One, but Joe “Dirt” Crede always seemed to be standing right in the fucking way. Losing our starter after two innings also sucked, though Clemens wasn’t too sharp anyway.

Still, the Sox look beatable, and the Astros can even it up today and bring the Series home to Houston. And we’ve got to have these wins when Pettitte and Oswalt pitch, especially if Roger can’t come back at full strength.

When:
Sunday, October 23, 6:30 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: U.S. Cellular Field

Well it looks bone-ass cold there, but hey, it’s October. Too bad about Roger’s hamstring, but not a surprise, I guess. And it couldn’t have helped when Asswipe Pierzynski bailed out halfway through a pitch.

The Weather Channel says there’s a 60% chance of rain in Chicago for Game Two, with a temperature in the 40s. So it’ll be even colder and shittier than last night.

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By Craig Elliott

Before we get to the Game One preview, let’s pause a minute and consider what the Astros have done so far. All our division and league rivals have been conquered and sent home for the year. The Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, Mets, Reds, Dodgers, Cubs – everyone else in the National League – done. Next year when we visit, they have to call us the National League Champion Houston Astros. (Or even better, the World Series Champions).

National League Champion Houston Astros. Oh yeah. There’s a new sheriff in town, boys. Unfortunately, because of marketing agreements and promotional considerations, it’s Sheriff Blaylock. But what the hell, eat some more nachos or something.

I don’t know much about the White Sox, but they sound like a freak show. Ozzie Guillen practices Santeria and hangs with Hugo Chavez. Everyone says A.J. Pierzynski is an asshole. They have Crazy Carl Everett. The White Sox are like the Island of Misfit Toys, except they also kill chickens.

But they destroyed the American League, their last four ALCS starters all went the distance, and their bullpen hasn’t pitched since Labor Day.

When:
Saturday, October 22, 6:30 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: U.S. Cellular Field

I think technically it’s called New Comiskey, but its corporate whore-name is Cellular.

They’ve been giving out Ozzie Guillen masks all over town, so don’t be surprised if the stands look like Lima Time multiplied by Chicago. This is the city’s first World Series in 46 years, which seems roughly equal to the same time Houston has waited. But you have to remember that Houston only has one baseball team, and Chicago has one and a half.

And by the way, the Cubs are totally fucked now because if they ever do find a lucky goat again, Ozzie Guillen will just cut its heart out and drape its entrails around Wrigley like Venezuelan bunting.

In fact, they thought about having Ozzie sacrifice a virgin before the World Series, but nobody wanted to drive to Wisconsin to get one.

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