You can't dust for vomit

The Astros are taking a slow boat from Pittsburgh, where they tripped over more dicks than a clown at an orgy, to Cincinnati for the last road series of the season starting Tuesday evening.  Perfect timing.  The Reds magic number to secure the Central title from the Jakes is 1.  ONE!  Which means, barring some freakish results, we will get to watch the Reds celebrate on our asses.  Oh joy.

Our only salvation is for the Jakes to lose today, to the Pirates, who are starting 2-11, 8.11 Charlie Morton.  Shitfuck.  Well, if it’s going to happen, let’s make sure it’s because of a Co-ards loss, not a Reds win.  Yes, lets at least do that.

Of course, the Astros are coming off a couple of series against teams long buried in the standings, but against whom they went 2-5.  The bats have become muted and the bullpen has become suddenly inflammatory.  That means that the Chase for .500™ is over, with the maximum possible number of wins now standing at 80.  That also means that the Jakes’ magic number to secure 2nd place from the Astros is 1.  It’s all really winding down folks, and in a couple of games there’ll be nothing left to do except point and laugh at the CubFans who show up to the home finale.

Great American Ballpark

This section of the review, like the preamble, deserves a puking gif.  What a horror story this place is: smoke stacks, hideous colours and runny beef ‘n’ pasta stew.  And no Berkman on hand to rip it a new one.  Oh well…

Tuesday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD
Wednesday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD
Thursday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD

Probable Match-Ups

Rodriguez (11-12, 3.67) vs. Volquez (4-3, 4.45)

Wandy has two shots left at squaring his W/L this season, unless he loses tonoght in which case he’s fucked on that front.  He’s had a great run after stumbling out of the blocks, most likely because he slipped on all the turds that were being dropped by his teammates like carpet bombs.   He hasn’t got a decision, one way or another, in his last 3 starts, probably because the bully has been pretty shitty.  Against the Reds in his career, he’s 7-7, 4.22 which has been earned by keeping Bruce, Phillips and Rolen quiet while simultaneously getting pounded by everyone else.

Edinson Volquez

Edinson Volquez.  We’ve seen enough of this crazy motherfucker to last a lifetime.  He just posted a career high 8-inning win to go with the fact that he’s smoked the Astros to the tune of 4-0, 0.98.  If Wandy gets an ND tonight, he’s pitched his bottom off.   That 0.98 ERA against the Astros is, of course, earned against the old Astros, which I’m not going to detail here as it would make pixies cry.  However, the Youthnami™ is free of such nightmare memories, and J-Mike is our superhero, sporting a .667 BA against Edinson.

Figueroa (3-3, 3.98) vs. Jonny Cueto (12-6, 3.73)

Nelson has lost his way lately as a starter…or is simply reverting to the mean for him, which isn’t good.  0-2 with a 7.20 ERA over his last 3 starts means that he’s needed no help from the bullpen to soil the mound recently.  He’s been getting steadily worse for a while now.  Against the Reds lifetime, he’s 1-1, 4.44, but those numbers are drawn from the annals of time because he has no record against the current Dickitie hitters.  This will be his last start of the season.

Johnny Cueto has a name that belongs in the movies, where the character would be played by Keanu Reeves, save the world and get the girl.  In reality, Cueto’s heroism for the Reds has earned him a 12-6 record and a middling ERA of 3.73.  He got tonked last time out for 8 runs in 1 1/3rd, but he blamed that on a hitch he saw on video.  Maybe he’ll be played by Will Smith.  Anyway, his history against Houston has been somewhat of a tragedy, 1-4, but with his nemesis shipped off to the AL East, and Bourn out of action, he may be getting ready for a 3rd act recovery.

Myers (14-7, 2.89) vs. TBA

Brett Myers

By the time we get to this game, I suspect that the only notable event remaining for the Astros will be to see if Myers can…you know…do the thing with the thing.  He hasn’t showed any signed of slowing down, posting 3 wins in his last 3 starts, an ERA of 2.70 and going at least six innings in each…Against the Reds he’s a very symmetrical 3-2, 3.23 but will need to be careful with Cairo and Hernandez if he wants to stay on target.  Meanwhile, someone needs to be ready with a tranquiliser gun in the event that Arnsberg reaches for the dugout phone.

As and when TBA is announced, and if I have the time, I’ll post it here.  I suspect that it’ll be some scrub because it’ll be a major surprise if the Reds haven’t clinched before this game.

Injury Report

Astros:  Arias is throwing again and Moehler had groinical surgery a few weeks ago.  Bourn is listed as day-to-day with an oblique strain, but it’s a virtual certainty that he won’t play again this year.  It still hurts me to watch Pence bat.

Reds:  Former Astro Russ Springer is done for the year with chronic unhipness; Lincoln (P) is also done for the year; Bruce (RF) and Nix (LF) are both day-to-day and, if there’s any sense in the Reds organisation, won’t be rushed back before the playoffs.  That preening, showboating, fat-lipped, fat-headed waste of oxygen known as Jim Edmonds is feigning injury so that he can skip the NLDS, get back on the roster for the NLCS, and strike out with the bases loaded and the series on the line.  I hate him.

Giveways and Promotions

According to their website, there’s nothing.  According to the standings, the fans will be treated to a division championship.  Given my druthers, I’d take the latter.

What’s on Limey’s Mind?

Beer and music.  I tried Hacker Pschorr last night.  Umm…no thanks.  Unless the Gingerman uses jalapeño detergent in their glass washer, I’m at a loss to decide where that taste comes from.  Sorry HH.  I also tried Pilsner Urquell and Real Ale’s Octoberfest, both of which I enjoyed.

Meanwhile, the Austin City Limits festival is fast approaching.  I saw that Cage the Elephant were added to the roster, so that’s good.  But there’s still some holes and some repeats which I’m hoping will get fixed in a good way.  Michael Franti’s in Houston this weekend – surely he can be persuaded to swing by Austin?  Just give him a better stage than last time – he’s on a beer commercial for fuck’s sake!  I will be there, as will a few TZ regulars I know, so I hope to catch up with some or all of you while there.  Oh, and not a drop of rain in the forecast!  No slopping through chocolate pudding this year!

Sayonara

The lights are going out all over Houston.  Mine will be the latest switch flipped to off during the trudge to October, as this is my last preview of the year.  One advantage of writing the occasional preview is that it forces one’s attention onto the Astros during a season when it was easy to drift along, not wanting to look because it was typically unpleasant to do so.  The kids brightened up August and September, and that means that I’m going to be fired up and focused when Spring rolls around.

Fuck the Cubs
Fuck the Jakes
Fuck the Yankees
Fuck Brighton & Hove Albion

and

Fuck the Cowboys!

Now that we’ve gotten the horrible play on words out of the way, on to the preview! Ah, who am I kidding. This is going to be full of bad plays on words, dick jokes, and general half-assery. Enjoy!

Friday September 24, 6:05pm, FS-H

Saturday September 25, my20

Sunday September 26, FS-H

Probable Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

Brett Myers (13-7, 2.76) v. James McDonald (4-5, 4.09)

Brett has been a beast all year, sporting an Astros record 31 straight starts of six innings or more.

The Pirates sport a .274 average, but a putrid .316 on base percentage. Andrew McCutchen (6-10), Pedro Alvarez (4-6), and Andy LaRoche (3-3) all hit him well. Everyone else is varying degrees of bad.

McDonald was terrible early in the year, but a 20 inning scoreless streak that was just broken last game has brought his ERA down from the middle fives to the low fours. He struggled through five innings of four walk four hit baseball in his last outing, a win that took 101 pitches to get through. 

The Astros are batting a clean 1.000 against McDonald, with Anderson Hernandez and Jason Michaels both having a hit in one appearance.

Saturday

Bud Norris (9-8, 4.85) v. Zach Duke (7-14, 5.68)

Norris has given up two or less runs in his last three starts, and has lasted at least six innings in all three of them. His ERA has come down half a point, and he sports a 3.28 ERA in the month of September.

The Pirates as a team sport a .279 (17-61) average against Bud, but the damage is mostly spread around. Garrett Jones (3-9), Lastings Milledge (3-6), and Ronny Cedeno (3-4) do most of the damage. Everyone else is pretty sub-par.

Zach Duke is… well, lets just face it, he’s pretty awful. His ERA has been skyrocketing this month thanks to two awful outings in a row where he lasted a combined four and a third innings and gave up a whopping twelve runs (eleven of which were earned). His last outing was a lot better, but looks a lot more like the exception than the rule.

The Good Guys post a .280 (21-75) average against Duke, with Pence!!! (4-11), Q (2-5), and Boojwah (3-5) leading the charge.

Sunday

JA Happ (6-2, 2.99) v. Paul Maholm (8-15, 5.25)

JA has been pretty spectacular in recent days. He hasn’t lost in over a month, and despite one bad outing the offense bailed him out of, he’s put up stellar numbers since becoming an Astro in the RoyO trade.  That trade is looking more and more like a huge Astros win in my eyes.

JA has absolutely dominated the Pirates, to the tune of a .182 (10-55) average. Only Andrew McCutchen (3-10, 1 homer) has more than one hit against him.

Maholm ERA is almost half a point lower than the start of September. He broke a skid of 8 straight losses or no decisions in a row with a win in his last start, beating the Redbirds while tossing seven innings of two run baseball.  He’s been pretty decisively horrible since the start of August, with a few decent games tossed in there for good measure.

Ah, I knew it was coming eventually. The horrible pitcher that the Astros for some reason struggle mightily against. Current Astros bat .233 (44-189) against Paul. Pence (11-35), Q (5-15),  and Angel FUCKING Sanchez (3-7) do all the damage against Maholm. Everyone else sucks eggs.

Crappy MLB.com Injury Report

Houston

Nothing new to report here. Arias and Moehler are both out for the year. Bourn is day to day with a tweaked oblique, but then again, aren’t we really all day to day?

Pirates

Holy shit, that’s a long DL list.

Jose Ascanio is probably done for the year with shoulder and hand surgery. And your mom just told you you’d go blind.

Jeff Clement is out for the season with a pulled oblique. Michael Bourn says you’re a pussy, Jeff.

Kevin Hart is out for the year with a torn labrum. Insert torn labia joke here.

Jeff Karstens is out with shoulder soreness. Probably from Dutch Ruddering with Jose up there. He might be available at the end of the season… Which is now.

Lastings Milledge is out for the rest of the year with an oblique strain. Michael Bourn thinks you’re also a pussy, Lastings. Also, your name sucks.

Ross Ohlendorf is out for the year with a right shoulder strain. Man, the fucking Pirates injury reporter is a lazy motherfucker.

Steve Pearce has patella tendonitis, out for the the year.

Donald Veal is out for the year with Tommy John surgery. He’ll come back with a very tender, delicious throwing arm next year I’m sure.

Promotions and Giveaways

Friday Night – Pretty decent looking fleece scarf and gloves. Downside, they have Pirates shit on them.

Saturday Night – A post-game concert from fan favorites, O.A.R. Wait… Aren’t those the motherfuckers that sing that obnoxious song they were using for EVERY baseball team’s promos on Fox Sports? Smithers! Have the Rolling Stones Killed!

Sunday – Fan Appreciation Day. That’s right. The one guy that has come to every home game this year is going to be honored! Well, he would be honored, but the Pirates will be sad to announce that he actually died in his seat back in 2004 and nobody noticed until today since nobody has say within 25 rows of him since the day he died.

Our Interesting Things to… Whatever.

The void is closing in fast for us non-playoff contending fans. It’s going to be a good off season though, since there is more than a little hope on the horizon. That is, there will be hope until Limey posts the Astro Magic Number on Opening Day and they proceed to go 1-161. Surprisingly, the 1 win will happen in Washington, and Das will be in attendance. The Astros will win on a pinch hit home run by Jeff Fulchino in the 22nd inning.

So ends my reign of terror as a Preview Writer for the year. Thanks for reading, and I apologize for not being strosrays.

And lastly, not that it has anything to do with anything, but Fuck the Cubs. Watching them implode ranks about half a point behind watching the Astros win on my BES (Baseball Enjoyability Scale).

Discuss the games in the Gamezone!

The Astros have won five of their last six series, and the one they didn’t win was a four-game split with the Dojers. Now they go on the road for the rest of the month before returning home to end the season against the dipshit Cubs.

The road trip starts in Washington, where the Astros face a four-game series with the Nationals and a meaningless feel-good vote in the Senate that will be filibustered by the Republicans. The Astros are still in third place in the Central, 5.5 games behind the stumbling Jakes. The Astros will probably just get the Washington hotel rooms occupied this weekend by the Texans, except for Gary Kubiak’s room because he still hasn’t decided whether to punt, kick a field goal, or go home.

The Nationals are at the bottom of the East, even behind the stupid fucking Mets. They just got swept by the Phillies including a loss to Roy Oswalt. Adam Dunn is leading the team with 35 homers, 93 RBI, and 179 freaking strikeouts.

Nationals Park

Monday, September 20, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, September 21, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, September 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Thursday, September 23, 3:35 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Nothing. Not one single freebie in a four-game series. Well, Thursday is Business Professionals Day, which in Washington means every lobbyist gets a free blowjob from your congressman, instead of the other way around.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Bud Norris (8-8, 4.95)  v. Livan Hernandez (10-11, 3.66)

The Astros are 9-1 in Norris’s last 10 starts. He’s never faced the Nationals, nor any of the rejects who play for them.

Hernandez is 10-5 in his career against the Astros, though some of those games were probably before many of the Houston players was born. Geoff Blum and Carlos Lee each bat .333 with one homer against Hernandez. Hunter Pence is 5-for-10 against him with two doubles.

Tuesday
J.A. Happ (6-2, 3.24)  v. John Lannan (8-7, 4.61)

Happ is 3-0 against the Nats. Current Nationals are a combined 5-for-23 against him, and no one has more than one hit.

Lannan is 3-2 against the Astros and 0-1 this season. Carlos Lee has scorched him in the past, going 7-for-14 with two doubles and two homers. Kepp, Pence, and Blum have also hit him well.

Wednesday
Wandy Rodriguez (11-12, 3.65) v. Jason Marquis (2-9, 7.71)

Wandy is 4-1 in seven appearances against the Gnats. Everyone in Washington has batted against him at some point in the past, including President Obama. Obama hit a homer off Wandy, though he called a meeting with the umpires, compromised on a double, and got stranded at second. Adam Dunn is a blistering 9-for-21 against Wandy with three doubles and two homers. Ryan Zimmerman, Willie Harris, and Pudge Rodriguez also have homers off him.

Marquis is 9-8 against the Astros in 23 freaking appearances. Carlos Lee is 15-for-38 against him with two doubles and four homers, while Pence is 11-for-22 with one homer. Blum and Michaels also have homers off Marquis Mark.

Thursday
Nelson Figueroa (3-2, 3.54) v. Jordan Zimmerman (0-2, 6.75)

Figueroa is 2-4 in seven appearances against Washington. Michael Morse, who I’ve never heard of, is 3-for-3 with a homer off Figueroa. Dunn is 0-for-7 against him.

Zimmerman is 0-1 against Houston but hasn’t faced this year’s team. Pence and Lee are both 1-for-3 against him, and no one else has a hit.

Injury Report

Houston – Moehler and Arias are out for the season, in case you hadn’t heard. UPDATE — Also, Michael Bourn has a strained oblique and is day-to-day.

Washington – Catchers Chris Coste and Jesus Flores are out for the season; centerfielder Justin Maxwell is day-to-day; Josh Willingham is out for the season; and pitchers J.D. Martin, Stephen Strasburg, Tyler Walker, and Chien-Ming Wang are out for the season. Also, Nyjer Morgan is suspended until after this series.

Wrapping it up

Well, that’s it for me this season. See you next April, assuming the SnS owners renew my contract without an ugly arbitration battle.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.