Welcome, loyal readers, to my newest venture! I, Richard Justice, have pioneered into the web world once again by creating a unique sports website, unlike anything else out there.[1] As the foremost authority on Houston sports, I’ve made Dickland your one stop destination for sports and entertainment commentary that’s so edgy I can say “fuck” once or twice a week. I even brought on my best friend in the whole wide radio world, Ken Hoffman, to give me some credibility with people who find don’t know that The Blind Side was a book first, and who still think Dave Barry is funny and relevant.[2] It’s here that you’ll get your fix of my unique, unequivocal perspective on Houston’s favorite baseball team: the Texas Rangers.
Yes, I love the Rangers. I’ve always loved them, even though I’ll hate them tomorrow. I love them so much, I’m going to hang Nolan Ryan’s shirt on my wall. Not his jersey, one of those golf polos he wears to games now. I deliberately spilled some Diet Coke on his shirt in Arlington a couple weeks ago, and then just stole the damned thing right off him.[3] It’s going to hang in my living room, next to the blue dress I wore when Vince Young and I played a little game of President Clinton.
No team is better run than the Rangers, even though people are starting to realize that Nolan’s kind of a stubborn asshole, and they’ve only really had success for about 3 years. They’re a dynasty, all right. NO ONE DENIES THIS! I bet Uncle Drayton wishes he could have the kind of success that Nolan’s had in Arlington[4]: from last place to losing the World Series? You think Drayton could do that? And the Rangers have this DH thing that is just incredible. Just wait until the Astros are in the AL West and can finally drink deeply from the Fountain of Fat Ass Sluggers Who Can’t Field.
Let me tell you about Taylor Jungmann. Wait, let me tell you about how great George Springer will be. No, let me pretend to know a gat-damn thing about player development. You know, when I was at UT, when the coeds were pretty and the summers were long, I developed a way to make tangents seem like actually deliberate narrative decisions.
What I do know is this: when the Rangers come to Minute Maid Park this week, there will be one fan who will leave happy. That’s right. Me. Because whichever team wins, I’ll say I was rooting for them. And whoever loses, I can still insert myself into the story. The rest of you lousy fucks can just scrape around, clinging to your loyalty to this bunch of losers. If you keep reading this tripe, I might finally be able to afford hair plugs.
Tuesday, June 28th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
C.J. Wilson (7-3, 3.17) v. Jordan Lyles (0-2, 4.20)
*Takes of Justice mask* Okay, that was painful. The real hometown team hits Wilson pretty well, to the tune of .389 collectively. Bourgey and Bourney hit him well, so hopefully we can tag him early and often.
Lyles is still looking for his first win. At this point, he’ll have to go the distance to get a W, because the fucking bullpen ain’t helping.
Wednesday, June 29th
7:05 CST, MMPUS
Colby Lewis (6-7, 4.44) v. Brett Myers (3-6, 4.65)
The battle of the over 4 ERA’s! Oooh. Plus, Lewis looks like Jason Sudekis getting a prostate exam. And he’s pretty lights out against the ‘stros, except for Michaels and Johnson, which would be great if this were 2010. Michael Young, Josh Hamilton and Nelson Cruz are pretty unconscious against Myers, but everyone else sucks. Which would be great if that weren’t the heart of the lineup.
Thursday, June 30th
7:05 CST, MMPUS
Matt Harrison (6-6, 3.00) v. Wandy Rodriguez (5-4, 3.21)
In one appearance against the Astros, the pube-chinned Harrison got a Caballo homer for his trouble, and Bourn was 50/50 against him. Wandy looks to bounce back into good form after getting shellacked by Tampa. Kinsler, Hamilton, and Murphy are all over .500 against him, but almost everyone else is sub-.200, so it’s hot or cold with Eny.
Astros:
Alberto Arias: currently the most productive member of the bullpen.
Jason Castro: rocking Billy Reid in those Astros Wives pics. Yeah, I noticed his date too. But it is a nice shirt.
Brandon Lyon: Poking around Dr. James Andrews, hoping for a handout.
Humberto Quintero: Limited baseball activities. Like what? Throwing, but not catching? Vice versa?
J.R. Towles: impaled by a rodeo bull. Day-to-day.
Rangers:
Elvis Andrus: sprained wrist. I can’t do another batch of jack-off jokes. So let’s just say that he died on the crapper.
Omar Beltre: That’s right! THE Omar Beltre. Back surgery.
Scott Feldman: Knee surgery. And he sounds like the bullied kid from every After School Special ever.
Tommy Hunter: Grade 1 groin sprain. I’m just reading what it says. Is Grade 1 worse or better than Grade 2? Is this like golf, but without the white balls?
Mike Napoli: Strained oblique.
Darren O’Day: Torn labrum. Pitched on consecutive days. Congrats, Darren! I went to work on consecutive days, too!
Mason Tobin: Out for season. Also has a name like a terrorist on 24.
Brandon Webb: wait, Brandon Webb is hurt?!? Stop the presses.
Tuesday: Lone Star Series t-shirt. It’s shit colored. Of course.
What To Watch For:
The merciful embrace of death.
Also, we finally moved into our house today. After going 0-3 with contractors (dumb excuse, rain out, Comcast), work is finally getting done and the furniture is being shuffled about. It’s a little weird to think that I probably won’t rent a place again until I’m in some retirement home. I’d ponder this more deeply, but I was up late last night packing and I’m not sure I can type another wahptiupaituapiyhpreyhauiyfhkajwehtpa8944444444449y
TALK ABOUT IT IN THE GAME ZONE!
[1] If you haven’t seen Grantland.com, none of this is going to be funny. Just skip to the probable pitchers.
[2] I mean, isn’t Chuck Klosterman basically Dave Barry with a good weed hookup?
[3] It helped that I put cattle tranquilizer in the Diet Coke.
[4] I have to have one footnote per paragraph.
