Dickities 8, Astros 3

by Mr. Happy

Having wasted all of my hyperbolic venom on Saturday’s recap, I’m forced to resort to discussing the cold hard facts about tonight’s game against the Dickities while filling in less than admirably for Budgirl. The story of tonight’s game begins – and ends – with the numbers.

The first number that stuck was the number 8, which is the number of runs that the Dickities scored. The second number was the number 3, which is the number of runs that the Astros scored. Other numbers are even relevant, you ask? Bear with me, I have a point to all of this, and I figure that if I write about tonight’s shitfest long enough, I’ll stumble upon it.

The next number that stands out is the number 5, which is the number of runs that the incompetent bully surrendered in but three innings of work. It’s also the number of alleged pitchers who trotted out there after Wandy. The Regulators? Even though Myers is gone, they can ditch that spot, consigning it and that insipidly stupid name to the depths of Hell. It’s more like the Irregulators.

The next number, you ask? The number, this time a percentage, .370, which was the Dickities batting average tonight, banging out 17 hits, which is another number that hits you like a ton of bricks. They came into tonight’s game hitting a very modest .251. The next two numbers that were blatantly obvious were 7-16 and 2-12, which is the RISP stat for the Dickities and Astros, respectively. As bad as the Astros pitching on the whole was and as well as the Dickities hit w/RISP, it’s a wonder that they didn’t score 18 runs. They had 15 LOBsters. Of course, the home nine had 13 of their own, leaving the bases loaded twice without scoring.

The next set of numbers that I’ll trouble you with are 2 (the number of errors that the Astros committed) and 34-63, which is our record now. Which brings me to my final number, which is 1. Nope, that’s not the number of folks in the stands at game’s end (but it is close). It is the number of the draft pick that we’ll no doubt secure next summer. I told you that I’d come across a point, and it is this. It’s going to be a long time before next year’s draft. As well as Luhnow, et al. seemed to do this year’s amateur draft, that’s the silver lining. You see, all’s well that ends well.

Arizona 8, Houston 2

W: Collmenter (2-2)
L: Lyles (2-7)

This one actually started out pretty well. Sure, Kubel got his home run, but so did Maxwell and the Astros actually had a 2-1 lead after 5 1/2. Lyles had done a good job spotting his pitches and keeping the Dback bashers off balance.

The AAAstros found a new way to squander an opportunity in the top of the sixth, doubly frustrating because they get so few opportunities at all and this is not a team that can hold one-run leads. This time. with one out, CJ on third and poised to score, Maxwell is asked to squeeze the run home. CJ dashes with the pitch but it’s inside. Maxwell pulls the bat back and the baseball equivalent of Pickett’s Charge results in a massacre of any hopes Houston had for adding more to the ledger. You can argue all you want about why you’d ask a flyball hitter to squeeze, but the fact is that Maxwell blew the chance that was given to him.

In the bottom of the frame, Lyles lost his command and began hanging pitches over the heart of the plate. Three singles loaded the bases and Montero smacked a hard shot over second, picked up by Gonzalez and flicked desperately at Altuve, who caught it with his shoulder and then paused to think about how wrong that was. This compounded the error and allowed a second run to score on the play, giving up the lead for good.

Mills wanted to keep Lyles in to learn how to pitch out of trouble, and the 21-year-old demonstrated that need still exists when he served up a rocket by Chris Young that plated three. Two singles later and Mills had had enough.

More crap happened. More runs were given up. The game devolved into a sleepwalk through the sewer of a .250 AAAstro road team, but as usual the GZ was rife with pithy discussions and entertainment through oblique cultural salvos.

Back home, Your Minor Leaguers Wearing Major Leaguers Uniforms will comfort themselves with their woobies and familiar sippy cups tonight. Maybe they’ll have a better day tomorrow, and the ride on this Shit Train will take a day off.

Diamondbacks 12, Astros 3

by Mr. Happy

Well, today was an interesting day for Astros fans everywhere, as the club bid farewell to Brett Myers, shipping him to the ChiSox for a couple of prospects suspects, welcoming 37 year old Francisco Cordero as the new closer, welcoming Dallas Keuchel as the newest member of the rotation (filling the spot formerly occupied by J.A. Happ) and looking forward to playing the Snakes at the ballpark formerly somewhat affectionately known as the BOB.

Maybe Cordero would see some close action and get to notch his first save as an Astro tonight? He did pitch a scoreless frame last night. Maybe Ben Francisco (what was it about this deal with the name Francisco?—is this a mere coincidence or some sort of Luhnow fetish?) would shine in his first Astros start? After all, he did get a sharp pinch hit single last night.

Hopes and dreams were high, the possibilities were endless and the world was our oyster, even though we’d been on the short end of a 13-8 score. And just as quickly, in the very first inning tonight, our hopes and dreams were smashed flatter than a pancake when, with one on (a walk, the first of four for Keuchel, all of which scored), Jason Kubel went oppo with a two run dong, the first of three that he’d smash tonight, two off of Keuchel and one off of EDR. The ballgame was over right there. We just knew it in our gut. But the Snakes weren’t done in the first inning. Not by a long shot. In fact, they were really just warming up, adding ten more runs to best our boys, who, God bless them, fought valiantly to the bitter end, even scoring a run in the top of the ninth inning, 12-3.

A few words to those of you who were excited beyond measure by the possibilities of Dallas Keuchel after his first two outings. Curb your enthusiasm. Seriously, especially if he repeats this sorry ass performance (3.1 innings, seven hits, four walks, six earned runs and two long balls) more, as I fear that he will. In the Game Zone, Ron Brand and I were talking about how Keuchel’s approach reminded me of the way that Gaylord Perry used to pitch.

Wait a minute, Mr. Happy! Isn’t Gaylord Perry in the Hall of Fame? Well sir, the Gaylord Perry I was talking about was the by then washed up Gaylord Perry pitching, just not very well (3-10 4.94 with 18 home runs allowed in 102 innings, for more on Gaylord Perry, check out his page at the Baseball Hall of Fame website http://baseballhall.org/hof/perry-gaylord) for the Seattle Mariners close to the end of his storied career. Everything, and I mean everything, was down and away. And that was Keuchel tonight. A left-handed version of a washed up Gaylord Perry sans Vaseline.

That was Dallas Keuchel tonight. Did he challenge hitters? Did he try to work the inner part of the black? The answer to both questions is a big NO! And when he did attempt to challenge, it was usually from far behind in the count, another huge problem for him tonight, the hitters blasted him. I hate to disappoint you folks who saw Keuchel as the next best thing since the Fowl Poles or Tal’s Hill, but I’ve thus far seen nothing from him that would lead me to suspect that he is anything but a glorified AAA pitcher. A softer tossing version of J.A. Happ, who everyone knows, I loved and will miss terribly.

On a positive note, three of our hitters, Jose Altuve, Justin Maxwell and Chris Johnson, went 2-4, and that hitting phenom from last night-the one and only Carlos Corporan-had a pinch single and an RBI. Of the five pitchers who saw action, Wilton Lopez threw the only scoreless frame, as the Snakes scored at least one run in six of eight innings, batting around (again) in the fourth inning, which chased Keuchel, scoring five runs. The second best performer was EDR, who only surrendered a solo bomb to Kubel in his lone inning of work. Every other pitcher (even including EDR) walked a ton of hitters, eight in all, at least four of which scored. Walks were a problem last night too.

I used to tell young pitchers, “Fuck walking the bum. If you’re going to go down, go down like a man and challenge the hitter. Get in his kitchen. Catch him leaning over the plate with a little chin music or a snappy hammer over his shoulder. Establish ownership, no, dominion, over the inside corner. Losing by walks is reminiscent of little league games. Death by a thousand walks is a slow painful way to go.” Our staff could use that little pep talk right now. Big time.

Speaking of the club, which has gotten worse by the losses of miscreant Brett Myers and Brandon Lyon, I’ve now altered my wins projection to between 50 and 55 (which HudsonHawk thinks is still too optimistic), down from 65 at the beginning of the year in the annual Race for the Lid. I counted on Brian Bogusevic hitting between .250 and .270 with 12-15 home runs-not the groundball to the right side .215 hitting machine that he’s become.

If I was Luhnow, I’d go ahead and DFA Bogusevic right now, declaring surrender on the former 2005 No. 1 pick. And Schreefer too while he’s at it. In Schreefer, besides a pissing and moaning at strike calls, fake bunting machine/juvenile delinquent, I see a decent CF (but no Michael Bourn, by any measure) who can’t steal first base and doesn’t really get on base enough to even hit eighth, even in this lineup.

Fasten your seatbelts, folks, it’s about to get even worse than it is right now, especially if Luhnow successfully moves Wandy for more prospects.

by NeilT

I’m really sorry that Arizona’s getting pushed into the American League next year–I know its fans are disappointed and would prefer to stay in the NL. With their titanic playoff runs against San Diego and the Rockies, it won’t feel the same when they’re playing Anaheim and Oakland. They’ve been in the NL their entire existence, but hey, like they say in accounting, last in first out. I’m not sure I could stay interested in a team with a designated hitter. It’s just not as interesting to me as Astros small ball.

We’re in San Antonio for a conference. I spoke yesterday, then skipped the rest of the conference until our reception last night at La Fogata. Cool place. I came back to the hotel where I thought I’d be just in time for the game but . . . no game, either they played in the afternoon or there’s not Astros channel in the Grand Hyatt. We went to a downtown bar, Bohannon’s, that had a good jazz band and several women sporting the showgirl equivalents of steroid enhancement but the bar wasn’t showing the game either. Good jazz though.

It actually looks like it was a great game for the Stros. Corporan and Moore homered in the 8th and 9th, with Moore driving in 3 runs, both with 2 outs. 14 hits total, with 8 runs. Really nice night at the plate.

Of course they lost.