Wow, that was a fun way to start the year. Nothing says “Hooray, baseball is finally back!” like a 3 game cornholing from a team that, by most measures, will land in the middle of the medicore NL West. What? Now the Phillies are coming to town? Oh boy.

I’m sure you’re wondering about the Facebook mention in the title. Well, Mr. Impatient, I’ll explain it now. I’m going to share some of the wisdom of fellow Astros fans I’ve pulled from Facebook. Names have been omitted to protect the idiotic.

Now on to our first submission:

What the Astros need to get going – “would love to see Brad Mills get a little angry, crazy-mad at their performance or lack, there of. I am getting tired of the same old comment, “now we know what we have to work with……” Isn’t that what spring training is for? Maybe that will wake up this team….we certainly need it.”

Friday, April 9, 7:05pm FS-H HD
Saturday, April 10, 6:05pm FS-H HD
Sunday, April 11, 1:05pm FS-H HD

Notable Giveaways and Promotions

Friday – Pretty sweet lookin’ Anniversary Cap to the first 10,000 fans.

Saturday – Even sweeter lookin’ throwback Shooting Star Jersey to the first 10,000 fans.

Sunday – Apparently you can bring man’s best friend or your really unattractive wife to the game with no repercussions today. I don’t get it, but hey, the other two giveaways were pretty damn sweet.

Here’s a crackerjack ramble, some hate I approve of, and the quickest fix this team has ever seen – My sister in law once bought me a broom when the Cards swept the Stros. There is nothing I like more than beating the Cards. Let’s trade for Pujols, PLEASE!

Projected Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

J.A Happ (southpaw, no stats yet) v. Bud Norris (northpaw? no stats yet either)

In very limited numbers, the Astros have hammered Happ to the tune of a .389 BA (7-18). J.R. Towles leads the charge with a double, a single, and a walk in his three at bats. Thunderpants has two singles in three attempts. Kabong has two singles in three attempts as well, with an RBI. Kaz is only one for four, but that one was a two run homer.

Bud faced the Phigtin’ Phils once last year, and clocked a pretty good outing against them. Rollins and Ben Fransisco both hit solo homers off him, but he the rest of the Phils roster only scattered four more total hits (total of six in twenty four at bats).

What does this team need to succeed tonight? – Hunter will come through tonight…GO ASTROS!!!

Saturday

Jamie Moyer (old as dirt, no stats) v. Felipe Paulino (25% more aerodynamic than last year, no stats)

Moyer has been around a long time. No. Seriously. A LONG time. He’s 47, allegedly. Moyer has repeatedly denied the allegation that Geoff Blum is his son but frankly, I’m not buying it. Now the bad news. The Astros are a dismal fifteen of seventy five against Moyer. That’s a .205 average. Kabong has six hits off of him, but that’s in thirty at bats. Maybe he really is Blum’s daddy, since Blummer sports a sparkling one for ten against Grandpa Jamie. Moyer definitely isn’t any relation to Pence!!!! though. Pence has rocked Moyer in six at bats, with two homers and a single as well as two(!!!!) walks. Wow! Who saw that coming.

Paulino, like Bud, faced the Phils once last year. He gave up a lot of hits (six in sixteen at bats to be exact), but only gave up one RBI. Ben Fransisco (who the hell is Ben Fransisco anyway?) went three for three against him with two doubles. Rollins, Ibanez, and Werth all went one for three with a single apiece. Ryan Howard went oh for one with a pair of walks.

Name your Favorite Player From the 1960’s – Lance Berkman
Next Response? – Ditto
More Gems – Biggio by far…he is awesome !!!!!
Come on Peeps, it’s without a doubt #34 NOLAN RYAN!!!
Best Response – derek bell

Sunday

Roy Halladay (1-0, 1.29) v. Roy Oswalt (0-1, 4.50)

Halladay started the season the way you expect a badass number one to start it. He mowed down the hapless (not to be confused with J.A. Happless, which is what everyone but the Phillies are) Nationals on the way to an Opening Day win. Great news though. The Astros, at least on paper, beat Halladay around pretty good (to the tune of thirteen of thirty nine). Kabong is seven of ninteen with three dingers against Roy. Blum is three of seven with a homer. Feliz is two of six with a couple of RBIs. That about wraps it up though, as nobody else on the roster except for Michaels (big fat oh for four) and Kepp (one for three) have even faced him.

Roy struggled in front of the Spikesnstars Opening Day morons crowd, giving up three runs before being lifted for a pinch hitter in the sixth when it became obvious the regular eight plus pitcher weren’t going to get a run across without some serious help. Long story short, even pinch hitting couldn’t save the Good Guys. The Phils do allright against RoyO (48 hits in 156 at bats). Placido Palonco rocks Os to the tune of ten of twenty one. Ryan Howard also bashes Roy, with eight hits in nineteen at bats, two of which were homers. Chase Utley, on the other hand, sucks on ice against Roy (three of twenty).

I think I found Fredia on Facebook – 0-3 way to be stros where the h is are o ffense at lee bourn pence where yall at this aint spring training this is for real…. good luck aginst the fightin phills

Fantasy Baseball Injury Report That Just-So-Happens To Be About Real Baseball

Phillies –

Joe Blanton tweaked something, he’s out for a few weeks. Pussy.
Brad Lidge bruised his Pujols, which apparently led to needed knee and elbow surgeries. He is due back in late April.
J.C. Romero is off directing the next in his long string of Zombie Baseball movies. This one is called “Bullpen of the Living Dead – The Real Story Behind Jamie Moyer”.

Astros –

Arias is on the fifteen day with rotator cuff weakness.
Yorman Bazardo’s strained his shoulder carrying around his badass last name.
Sammy Gervacio’s funky delivery apparently made his arm fall off. They’re duct taping it back on, stop worrying.
And lastly, Lance Berkman’s knee buckled under the pressure of carrying the Astro offense this season. He’s due back next week some time, hopefully.

Face of the Franchise Indeed! Ohfer so far, but they love him! – pence is the only guy that prooved himself other than berkman and wandy, fire everybody else

My Attempt to Make You Bleed Out of Your Ears

And there you have it. The people that we, the SnS public, share a team affiliation with.

Enjoy!

Opening Day! Put away the Hot Stove, put the minor leaguers on the bus, and kick The Void in the ass, because baseball’s back in town! The Astros have been through some big changes in the off-season, but don’t worry, Fox Sports Houston will make sure you know about every player’s dream to be a rodeo clown or a railroad hobo or whatever the fuck.

Well first things first. Geoff Blum is going to have reduced duties this year because the Astros brought in a full-time manager, if you can believe that shit. Meanwhile, Lance Berkman’s knee is in the “waiting for things to look positive” stage so Blum will get some time at first base anyway. Roy Oswalt is also having hamstring and back problems, even though the almanac doesn’t call for those until at least June. On a side note, everyone’s health insurance premiums went down once Doug Brocail retired.

This year’s Very Special Astros Anniversary Promotion is the 45th Anniversary of the Astros. Which doesn’t sound quite right because Houston got its expansion team in 1962. That’s easy for me to remember because it’s the year I was born, and since I’ll be 48 next month, something isn’t adding up … oh I see. They had to leave out the Colt .45 years to make the math work. You don’t have to understand it … just go buy some anniversary shit. It’s an anniversary, dammit!

Minute Maid Park

Monday, April 5,  6:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD, ESPN2
Tuesday, April 6,  7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Wednesday, April 7,  1:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Ahhh, Brownie and JD, back on my TV. At least I hope so. I have this recurring nightmare every Opening Day, where I turn on my TV and it’s a goddamn blackout, or the Texas Rangers. Opening Day blackouts are the cruelest of all, but I’ve had it happen more than once.

Notable giveaways and promotions

Monday – Schedule magnets. Hell yeah, I’ve got a ton of these thanks to Budgirl and Noe. Since I’ve heard that some of you may be going to the Opening Day festivities, if anyone lays their hands on an extra magnet, I still have space on my fridge for it. I’m just saying.

Tuesday – Double Play Tuesday. Bring some Powerade labels and sit in the cheap seats.

Wednesday – 9-Inning Lunch Break. The first time I read this I thought it said “9-Inch Lunch,” so I figured it was a nod, nod, nod to the visitors from San Francisco. But it’s actually a promotion where for $40 you get a field box seat, $20 worth of food, and some beverage vouchers. Not too bad for a Wednesday, I guess, even if you don’t get 9 inches.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Tim Lincecum, RHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Roy Oswalt, RHP (0-0, -.–)

Cy Young winner Lincecum is technically listed as probable, because he has a cut or blister or something on a finger that likely resulted from a horrific bong implosion. On the plus side, he has hella-strong lungs. The last time Lincecum pitched in Houston, Brad Ausmus lined one off his knee and put Lincecum out of the game. He’s started five games against the Astros for a 2-0 record and a 1.67 ERA.

No one on the Astros has hit a homer off Lincecum; in fact, only three Astros (Lee, Erstad, Castillo) even have RBIs against him. And at 2-for-9 (.222) against Lincecum, Kaz Matsui has the best average among starting Astros. Michael Bourn is the worst at 0-for-8 with four strikeouts.

Roy is making his eighth straight Opening Day start. He’s 5-5 in 13 career starts against the Giants, and had one win against them last year. Ex-Fuck-the-Cub Mark DeRosa is 13-for-27 against Oswalt, and Fred Lewis is 8-for-16. Edgar Renteria has two homers off Roy.

Tuesday
Barry Zito, LHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (0-0, -.–)

Zito is 1-1 in three career appearances against the Astros. Carlos Lee is 9-for-33 with a double, a triple (!) and a homer against Zito. Pedro Feliz also has a homer off him.

Mighty Wandy was last year’s team leader in wins, ERA, strikeouts, and innings pitched. He’s only faced the Giants once, and that was a loss in 2006.

Only six current Giants have faced Wandy, but they’ve hit him well. Mark DeRosa is 7-for-24 with three doubles and two homers, and Edgar Renteria is 3-for-5 with two homers. Ouch. Dirty Freddy Sanchez has also hit Wandy hard, but Sanchez is injured so nevermind.

Wednesday
Matt Cain, RHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Brett Myers, RHP (0-0, -.–)

Cain has pitched 200+ innings each of the last three years for the Giants. He’s 1-2 in three appearances against the Astros, and Carlos Lee is 5-for-8 with a double and a homer off him. Geoff Blum and Kaz Matsui both have homers off Cain, and how many times do you get to say that?

Myers is making his Astros debut after going 4-3 last year for the Phillies. He’s 1-3 against the Giants but hasn’t faced them in a couple of years. Renteria is 11-for-33 against Myers, with three doubles and two homers. Mark DeRosa is 6-for-13.

Injury Report

San Francisco – Dirty Freddy Sanchez was traded to the Giants at the deadline last season, but he’s had knee and shoulder surgery and probably won’t be back until May. Also, second baseman Emmanuel Burriss is out until June.

Houston – Roy Oswalt is probable for this start. He has a hamstring problem but got an injection in his back, so I guess it’s complicated. Lance Berkman is on the DL until whenever. Bazardo and Arias are both out until sometime in May.

Odds and Ends

* Roy Oswalt is only seven games behind Joe Niekro for the top spot on the Astros’ all-time wins list, so that will get lots of attention as he moves closer this season. Meanwhile, If Wandy gets 10 wins this season he’ll tie Jim DeShaies on the Astros’ wins list. If he wins 20 games, he’ll tie Darryl Kile.

* I had a rough offseason too. I’ve got an irritated nerve in my neck and had to get three injections with a spinal needle. My opinion was that it sucked. Plus I had to pay $500 for each goddamn shot because I was the only sucker in the packed doctor’s office who wasn’t on Medicare or Medicaid.

* Have fun at Opening Day, and if you’re at the bar, remember to order a “Cecil Cooper.” The waitress will write the order wrong on your tab and you can just wander off and let someone else take care of it.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.