There’s a Fire! Sale!: Astros @ Cubs Series Preview

Posted on July 22, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

I’m a cheapskate. I don’t buy anything full price unless I can help it. I guess groceries are excepted, because who the hell waits for milk to go on clearance? If I were an MLB GM right now, looking at the roster would be like seeing one of those guys wearing a sandwich board near a going-out-of-business sale. Everything. Must. Go! Even fixtures for sale. Hell, Wade would probably trade Stretch Suba right now if he could get a A-ball pitcher whose heater breaks 90.

Basically, I just wanted an excuse to post the video above. What more do you want from me on a work day with a 1:20pm game?

Probable Pitchers

Friday, July 22nd

1:20 CT, Drunk Fucktard Field

Bud Norris (5-6, 3.59) v. Carlos Zambrano (6-5, 4.78)

Lost behind the W-L record and the general bullshit of this season is the fact that Budly has finally come into his own as a starting pitcher. At the beginning of the season, I thought he might be better suited as a back-of-bullpen fireballer, but he’s really become a pitcher. Starlin Castro and Carlos Pena hit him well, but everyone else is below .250 against him.

Fuck Carlos Zambrano. Even adopting a kid can’t make me like him. And fuck his numbers too. I hope he make Mike Quade so mad today that it actually makes blood rush to Quade’s face.

Saturday, July 23rd

12:05 CT, Ivy Ain’t Charming, It’s A Weed Field

Wandy Rodriguez (6-6, 3.67) v. Randy Wells (1-3, 6.71)

It’s your audition, Wandy! Prove you’re not Jeff Suppan! Just watch out for Soto and Darwin Barney, cause they’ve got your number.

Randy Wells player photo looks like he just bought the fat girl at the end of the bar a cosmo. “Yeah, The Beard is getting some tonight, for sure. Bitches love cosmos.” Carlos and Hunter have both homered off Wells, plus Bourn and Q hit him well, too. Hopefully the fat girl keeps Wells up all night, and he can have “heat exhaustion” and leave the game early.

Sunday July 24th

1:20 CT, The Good Wife Is A Surprisingly Good Show Set In Chicago Field

Jordan Lyles (0-5, 4.55) v. Matt Garza (4-7, 3.80)

You know what? Fuck the “Poor Lyles” storyline. He’s pitched fairly well, showed some promise, but it’s not like he’s been dominant and then the bullpen screws it up. He’s a good young pitcher who’s not even up to his potential yet. And I hope to crap that he gets #1 in Chi-town. In his first start against the Cubs, he held them to a collective .217 average.

Matt Garza has underperformed compared to Cubfan’s expectations. Gee, where have I heard that story before? Suck it, Cubfan. The only savior your franchise will ever have is Jesus, and He’s noticed your special approach to “love your neighbor”. The ‘stros have faced him once, and hit him well to the tune of .320/.520/.866

Injuries

Astros:

Arias, Castro, and Lyon, of course.

Abad – back from 15 Day soon.

Bourgeois – activated today, in RF as soon as Pence gets traded.

Cubs:

Andrew Cashner – No timetable for return. He should change his name to “Playoffs”.

Marcos Mateo – Strained right elbow. Wank joke!

Brian Schlitter – 60 day DL since March 30. You do the math, because I don’t get it.

What to watch for:

This could very well be the last series with several players in Astros uniforms. If Pence is one of them, I’ll always look back fondly on his time with the team, despite his shortcomings. The kid loves to play baseball, and he plays hard. If he ever plays on a championship team, no one is going to have more fun with a champagne bottle in his hands than Hunter.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

Dark Matter #2: Casey Strikes Out

Posted on July 19, 2011 by Dark Star in Columnistas, Dark Matter, Featured, News

As we all know, the freak show out in Florida that was the Casey-Caylee Anthony murder trial ended ignominiously a week or so ago, with the jury delivering a ‘not guilty’ verdict that drove “concerned” citizens and a few journalists alike to the brink of total insanity.

I will be honest – I never cared much if Casey Anthony was guilty or not, and I still don’t. Read More

Casey Anthony is so effing hot

Monday Night Baseball

Posted on July 19, 2011 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

Nationals 5, Astros 2
W: Jason Marquis, L: Jordan Lyles

Boxscore and Recap

I attended this game with Neil T., his wife, and BatGirl. I must confess it was one of the most enjoyable games I have attended. There was no one sitting in front of us obstructing the view and no loud individuals behind us (well, not until the later innings when the young group of males had consumed unknown quantities of beer – but even they weren’t bad). The conversations involved a number of topics, most baseball related.

One topic was discussed thoroughly was the Fantasy Baseball Team. Now, this Fantasy Baseball Team (FBT) has nothing to do with stats but with looks of ball players. I will tell everyone that Neil T. added very little to this discussion. One lady thought Hunter Pence should be on the team, one thinks Jayson Werth (without all the facial hair he is apparently a hottie) should be included, and one of us demanded Brad Ausmus (even though he isn’t currently playing) should be included on the FBT. I understand why the one that thinks Hunter should be included seems to like tall, lean guys with blond hair. This brought up the idea that taller players should be included almost without further discussion. It took maybe a minute before Randy Johnson was tossed out for consideration. The qualification of height is no longer quite as important as before.

Other topics were who would get traded and why. General baseball discussion about stadiums and whether or not engineers design railings at heights for view or safety.

Overall, it was a very enjoyable night. Jordan Lyles really did a great job even though he got tagged with the loss. I didn’t realize until looking at the box score that Wilton Lopez didn’t record an out. I really thought with all the “baseball” going on while he was out there he got an out. My mistake. I knew the Astros were going to be in trouble anyway, they didn’t have a closer for the game since Mark Melancon pitched three innings the day before.

I’m also glad Jason Michaels got at least one hit against Marquis since Brett Wallace was riding the pine this game. Please note:

“Jason Michaels (7-10!!!, 1 HR 4 RBI)” Quoted from some asshole’s Series Preview.

Michaels is a pinch-hitter on this team not a starter. I understand the occassional start to keep one sharp, but Mills has taken it too far.

Carlos Lee had a pretty good night going 2-3 with a walk. He probably would have gotten more RBIs if anyone had been on base ahead of him.

Only 3 more work days before I take off on the road trip. I’m so looking forward to it.

GOOD TIMES

Posted on July 16, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, Game Recaps, News

HOUSTON 6, Pittsburgh 4
July 16, 2011
MMPUS

WP: Escalona (2-1, 2.60)
LP: Veras (2-3, 3.02)

HOUSTON (SnS) – The slumping Houston Astros staged an unlikely comeback after blowing an early lead here Saturday night, and topped the Pittsburgh Pirates, 6-4, before a reported crowd of 35,000 (which is a fucking joke, by the way.) In a game where both starting pitchers, Paul Maholm for the Pirates and Bud Norris for the Astros, struggled from the get-go, it was a testament to the lack of prowess of both team’s offenses that it was a relatively low-scoring affair, anyway.Read More

Drayton's sorry legacy, pirates, rare win

Pirates at Astros – A Real Fixer-Upper

Posted on July 15, 2011 by Craig in Series Previews

I’ve been trying to think of the most fucked-up thing that ever happened to me, to try to compare it to the Astros’ worst season ever, but I’m coming up blank. Honestly, nothing says “fucked-up” more than noting the Astros are the worst team in the Majors, by a spread bigger than Brett Wallace’s ass, and the Pirates are a game out of first place. Let me repeat that: the PIRATES ARE A GAME OUT OF FIRST PLACE.

This season sort of feels like buying an old house. You know there are going to be a few things that have to be fixed, but after you move in you realize the previous owner was a damn cheapskate. He told you the roof was brand new, but it turns out to just have a few new shingles nailed down by some guys from Home Depot. All the light bulbs are gone, the copper plumbing is all ripped out, and there’s a giant black stain in the corner of the backyard where he dumped his used motor oil. But the prick did leave you all his shitty old clothes that have to be hauled to Goodwill, plus 20 years’ worth of poisons and weedkiller are still stacked in the shed. And you don’t even want to look in the cellar.

It seems like that’s what Jim Crane has to look forward too whenever he takes possession. Drayton sold off anything of value and is leaving nothing but a few Brett Myers bobbleheads that he couldn’t give away, some stale nachos that even Lance Berkman wouldn’t eat, and Doug Brocail’s medical records (because the new owner will still need those, plus they were too heavy to haul away). Oh, and by the way, the homeowners association just instituted a new rule requiring a designated hitter. Sorry you missed the vote, but it was right there in the by-laws.

Yeah, you kind of expect to find some hidden flaws when you move into a new place. But shit, who expects to move in and find a fat-ass American Leaguer lounging in the pool, inviting his buddies over to rove around and piss in the bushes? Man, that’s a deal-breaker right there. I’d rather put up with the Pirates winning the division than move to the goddamn American League.

So everyone’s sitting around waiting for the deal to close, but Drayton has pretty much moved on and certainly won’t bother to mow the lawn or pull the weeds. Which is probably best at this point anyway: you’d rather clean up the mess he already made than risk him making a bigger one. Dude, just hand over the keys and move on, please.

Yeah, this was a pretty sweet place at one time. But that was years ago, and it will be a long time before the new owner can make it respectable again. But we’ve got nowhere else to go, so we may as well clean out the cellar, set up the TV, and watch a few ballgames. I hear the Pirates are going to win the Central this year …

Minute Maid Park
Friday, July 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Saturday, July 16, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, July 17, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Giveaways
(I usually label this “notable giveaways,” but there’s really nothing notable here. Drayton must be digging in the back of the goodie closet trying to find whatever lame shit is left to give away.)

Friday – The usual fireworks
Saturday – Faith and Family Night with some band you never heard of
Sunday – A photo frame for kids. Meh.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Jeff Karstens (7-4, 2.55) v. Brett Myers (3-9, 4.88)
Karstens has the sixth-best ERA in the league and is 2-0 against the Astros this season. Several Astros hit him well, including Quintero (3-for-4 with a double and triple), Barmes (3-for-8 with a homer), Lee (5-for-17), and especially Hunter Pence, 7-for-16 with a double and a homer). At the other end of the scale, Bourn and Kepp are both 3-for-17 against Karstens.

Myers is 6-5 in 12 starts against the Pirates, and 0-1 this year. None of the Pirates have a homer off him, but McCutchen is 6-for-19, Overbay is 4-for-7, and Presley and Diaz are both 3-for-4.

Saturday
Paul Maholm (6-9, 2.96) v. Bud Norris (5-6, 3.46)
Maholm is in his seventh season for the Pirates and has an 11-6 record against Houston in 19 starts. Current Astros are a collective 67-for-242 (.277) against him, with two homers each for Barmes and Pence. In fact, Barmes has scorched him with 12 hits in 25 AB’s, with three doubles and a triple to go along with the two homers. Bourn and Chris Johnson have fared poorly against Maholm.

Norris is 1-2 against Pittsburgh this year but his ERA is only 2.57. He’s also struck out 21 Pirates in 21 innings. Garrett Jones is 6-for-19 with a homer against Norris, and Overbay also has a homer. McCutchen is 7-for-22 with two doubles and a triple.

Sunday
Kevin Correia (11-7, 4.01) v. Wandy Rodriguez (6-6, 3.52)
Correia went to the All-Star Game but didn’t make an appearance. He’s 0-1 in four career appearances against the Astros but hasn’t faced them this year. Current Astros are 21-for-67 (.313) against Correia, with most of the hits coming from Carlos Lee (5-for-11) and Clint Barmes (5-for-16). Chris Johnson is 3-for-3 against him.

Wandy has a 7-5 record in 15 starts against the Pirates. Brandon Wood is 4-for-5 with a homer off Wandy, and Overbay is 7-for-15. Neil Walker also has a homer off him. Garrett Jones and Andrew McCutchen are a combined 3-for-24 with six strikeouts.

Injury Report

Pittsburgh – Reliever Joe Beimel should be back for this series, and leftfielder Jose Tabata might be. First baseman Steve Pearce, shortstop Ronny Cedeno, reliever Evan Meek, catcher Ryan Doumit, and starter Kevin Hart are out until later this month. Catcher Chris Snyder and starter Ross Ohlendorf are gone longer than that.

Houston – Bourgeios is on a rehab assignment and Abad could be back later this month. Arias, Lyon, and Castro … not so much.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Le Suck.

Posted on July 10, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Marlins 5, Astros 4

W: Volstad (5-8)
L: Rodriguez (6-6)

Staggering through the desert of the 2011 season, your Houston Astros really do seem to be on their own version of baseball’s Death March. It’s the mark of a truly bad team that even when the law of averages comes into play and some part of the team works well, there are other pieces just as important that come up woefully short. Teasing us with these fragments of competency seems to be the hallmark of this season.

Staked to an early 2-0 and 3-1 lead, Wandy the Enigma lost his way and couldn’t get the strikes he needed, handing out free bases and hard hits until the Fishmen had a lead they wouldn’t relinquish. The pressing, frazzled Astros appear to be incapable of any approach at the plate other than “Swing hard!” and the result is popups, strikeouts, pitcher’s counts and out after out.

The latest meme is that the starters are walking too many leadoff batters, taking an expected ERA from 3.5 to 7+ with that act. The truth is that this team doesn’t have a single achilles heel to overcome – the losing comes from a systematic failure to be good enough to win. If the starters are walking leadoff batters this week, next week it’ll be that the relievers are giving up 0-2 home runs. The week after that it’ll be that the hitters aren’t getting on base, or maybe they’re trying to pull sliders into the Crawford Boxes instead of going with the pitch. One day it’s the umpires squeezing the zone and making the pitchers come over the plate too much, the next day it’s bumbling in the field. It’s all of these things and more, all mixed together, all season long into some kind of Carousel of Suck and we can’t get off the damn ride.

Shuffling toward the break, this team seems to have ‘gone French’ and is waving the white flag. An extended team meeting may have helped clear the air but unless they come back next Friday with a new attitude I’m afraid Mills may become the sacrificial lamb, taking the heat for the collection of dry turds that take the field these days.

Enjoy your All-Star break. Perhaps you can come back to support the spirit that once was the Astros, until the ghost is made flesh again for all of us to celebrate.

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