The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Posted on June 8, 2012 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

Tuesday night’s game was the only one the Astros could hold on to win. While they gave up 8 runs, they were able to score 9 and get a win. Giving up 4 runs in the 9th made things a bit to interesting. Thankfully Myers is usually well rested and was able to get the save.

Wednesday night’s game started off bad for Bud Norris. He gave up 3 runs in the first and the Astros were not able to pick him up – AT ALL. They left runners on base during most of the innings. So many chances and they did not take advantage of them. Marwin Gonzalez also twisted an ankle or something. They never announced what happened at the game and I have not had an opportunity to read about it either.

Thursday’s game. What an absolute shitfest? The Astros were horrible. Happ started out well, as did his teammates, but when the wheels flew off the bus, they couldn’t find ’em. Giving up 7 runs in the 7th. Ugh. There were only two redeeming things that happened at this game. #1 Carlos Correa was introduced to the crowd – and was received well. #2 Brian Bogusevic was able to pitch in a major league game. He didn’t do any worse than the rest of the pitching staff for the night. Plus, the Astros had the best defensive line up out there. Wallace was at third and Snyder was a first. Great job dropping a pop-up between Snyder and Altuve. Oh, and Altuve missed covering first again in this game. The Astros just got beat to a pulp.

I find this incredibly insulting. At the game Thursday night, Neil and I were finally excited about the game in the 9th. We were both hoping Bogusevic would have great success, especially after the previous 8 innings. I guess the know-it-all-Cardinal fan in front of us (who let’s his kid wear Pujols’ jersey) turned around and told us, “you know he pitched in college.” Yeah, we know, Neil then told him, “Yeah, Tulane” and I just said, “Yeah, we know.” If the know-it-all had listened to us the whole night, he would have heard us at the beginning of the 9th inning exclaim our excitement about Bogusevic pitching. The damm guy was a squatter too. Moving to that section at the end of the game. Neil wanted to call security to have them move him from the seats, but I told him not to overreact.

Over all, I had fun at the two games I went to see because the company was great.

Go Astros, better luck this weekend.

2012 Astros draft pick: SS Carlos Correa!

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Noe in Austin in Bus Ride, Featured, From the Bus Stop, Minor Leagues, News You Can Use

You know, making pundits looks really less than smart is becoming a really fun game to watch play out. Not that anyone is really trying to make these media pundits look bad, but it is something that has it’s uneasy pleasure. In the 2012 version of the game, the MLB draft held Monday night, June 3,2012 delivered a surprise to get the game off and running right away. The Houston Astros, owners of the overall first pick in the draft, took SS Carlos Correa from Puerto Rico. Immediately the comparisons to A-Rod, Jeter, Cal Ripken Jr, and of course the last five tool short stop in the Astros system, Dickie Thon came rolling in.

But the pundits were dead certain that either Mark Appel, pitcher at Stanford, or Byron Buxton, a very talented high school OF from Georgia were going to be the next Astros pick. The last time the Astros had an overall number 1 pick, they chose Phil Nevin, so things were a bit exciting around the organization. But neither Appel nor Buxton’s name were called out, instead it was Correa. Stretch pick? No, not really… maybe the prototypical “scout” pick if you will. But you would have thought with the reaction around the media types, the Astros just threw away the pick. From here, doesn’t look to be the case.

Later in the night, the Astros pulled another stunner. Young Lance McCullers, he of former major leaguer stock, fell all the way to the supplemental round where the Astros were able to tab him. What is unique about this pick is the noise surrounding the young man, not because of talent, but because of the choice of agent… one Scott “I’m the real Devil Lanse” Boras. McCullers probably scared away a whole slew of good organizations because of the talk of what might be his asking price. The Astros made the pick and hope to sign both Correa and McCullers based on slot money or little above without hurting themselves in the process. If they do, this may be the day everyone looks back on and says “This was the day the organization turned it all around!”

Good job Bobby Heck and new GM Jeff Luhnow!

Cardinals at Astros – Shitbirds Singing in the Dead of Night

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Craig in News, Series Previews

The Shitbirds just lost three of four to the stupid fucking Mets, including the first no-hitter in Stem history. The cocksucking Mets finally found themselves a slumpbuster … named Johan. Anyway, before losing the series in New York, the Jakes lost a series to Atlanta, and before that they lost three of four to the Faillies.

Meanwhile, the Dickities are sitting on top of the Central, three games ahead of the Pirates (!) and the Jakes. The Astros were holding their own for a while but have slipped recently after an eight-game losing streak. But they are still well ahead of the dipshit Cubs, so at least that’s something.

Despite the long, shitty road trip, the Astros only get this one home series against the Jakes before going back on the road for three more series, including one against the pretend-archrival Rangers. Nolan Ryan was determined to shoe-horn a Lone Star rivalry into the stupid Silver Boot, even though he had to use Drayton McLane’s tight-ass old wallet and Bud Selig’s hairpiece to do it. And amazingly enough he did manage to get all the pieces in place, so start rival-ing, goddammit. Nolan says so.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, June 5, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, June 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Thursday, June 7, 7:05 p.m. CDT

Forgettable giveaways

Not a damn thing. Just the usual shit – Price Matters Days, Double Play Tuesday, etc. If you want a pretty bauble then buy it yourself, cheapskate.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday
Jaime Garcia (3-3, 3.78) v. Lucas Harrell (4-4, 4.71)

In 31+ career innings against the Astros, Garcia has an 0-4 record and a 6.89 ERA to show for it. The current crop of Astros goes 17-for-61 (.279) against him, with homers from Lee, Downs, and Chris Johnson. Unfortunately, Lee is on the DL and Downs is on the bus in OKC. Johnson also has 6 RBI and a double against Garcia, and Justin Maxwell is 3-for-4 with two doubles.

Two starts ago Harrell outdueled Clayton Kershaw, then went to Colorado and shat the bed by giving up nine runs in five innings. He had a win against the Cardinals in early May, and current Jakes are 7-for-24 (.292) against him.

Wednesday
Adam Wainwright (4-6, 4.98) v. Bud Norris (5-2, 4.52)

Wainright is fucking 10-1 against the Astros with an ERA of 1.54. Astros on the current roster have gone 9-for-64 (.141) against him with no homers. In fact the only extra-base hit is a double from Carlos Lee.

Norris also took a dump in Colorado, giving up nine runs in less than two innings. But he does have a 7-2 record against the Shitbirds with an ERA at 2.17. Current Jakes are 40-for-156 (.256) against Norris, with two homers from Holliday. The Puerto Rican Whore is the Cards’ best hitter against Norris, at 5-for-15 with three doubles, but he’s complaining of some sort of knee ailment that might or might not be bad. Imagine that. Daniel Descalso, whoever he is, is also 4-for-8 against Bud, with two doubles and a triple.

Thursday
Lance Lynn (8-2, 2.63) v. J.A. Happ (4-5, 4.31)

Lynn was mostly a reliever last year but has made 11 starts this season. He won his first six starts and has gone 2-2 since. He hasn’t faced the Astros this season, but Chris Johnson and Brett Wallace are both 1-for-3 against him.

Happ has had eight quality starts out of his last 11, but over his career is 1-7 against the Jakes. One of those losses was earlier this year. Current Shitbirds have batted .358 against him (38-for-106) with two homers each for Carlos Beltran, Allen Craig, and Tyler Greene. Holliday and Yada-Yada-Yada Molina also have a homer each.

Injury Report
St. Louis – Jaime Garcia is probable for his start in this series. Lance Berkman is on the DL until forever. Scott Linebrink, Jon Jay, Skip Schumaker, Chris Carpenter, Matt Carpenter, and Kyle McClellan are all on the DL for something or other.

Houston – Bud Norris is listed as probable. Carlos Lee, Fernando Abad, Travis Buck, Kyle Weiland, and Sergio Escalona are all on the DL.

Balls in the Dirt

* Speaking of the first Stem no-hitter, they celebrated in style with pitcher Ramon Ramirez injuring his hamstring while running to the dogpile. And then in a show of solidarity with the team owners, the Mets players turned the dogpile into a human pyramid scheme.

* In other douchebag news, bootstrappy conservative Curt Schilling is making a new video game with an alternative version of the Boston Tea Party. In the game’s stunning climax, the stalwart Sons of Liberty will keep all the tea and ships for themselves, then demand exorbitant pay raises and threaten to move to Rhode Island if the king doesn’t give them all his tax revenue. When the king runs out of tax money, they all go on unemployment and complain about government handouts.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Sometimes the Bottom Gets To Be the Top

Posted on June 3, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Astros 5, Reds 3
W: Lyles (1-1)
L: Arroyo (2-4)

It took them the better part of two weeks, but the Astros finally put together a game that was enjoyable to watch on their way to snapping an eight-game losing streak. Lyles, inserted into the rotation at least for the near future, wasn’t dominant but flashed some good pitches and better tenacity on the mound, limiting the Dickities to two runs on five hits while striking out three. The big blow for the Skyline Bunch was the two-run homer launched into the Crawford Boxes by Cozart in the third inning.

The Astros battled back to take the lead in the fourth and put it out of reach in the seventh with Maxwell’s third pinch-hit home run of the season, a blast over the train tracks that made it 5-2.

Lopez scuffled through the eighth, careening through one near-disaster after another, and when he got Votto to hit a 400′ sac fly to Schafer, the deal was sealed.

The top four in the home order went 1 for 15 today, with four strikeouts. It was the bottom of the lineup, more specifically #6-9, that carried the day. Wallace, up from OKC while Lee is on the DL, was 2 for 3 with a run scored; Castro was 2 for 3, scored once and drove one in; Marwin Gonzalez was a clutch 2 for 4 with one run scored and one driven in.

Take a trip down Memory Lane with us in the Game Zone if you’d like to relive it in more detail. It’s Christmas tomorrow, and maybe the Front Office won’t shoot their eye out. Tune in at 6 CT for the opening of the presents.

The reeling Jakes limp into town Tuesday, stinking of leftover pallets of Coconut Penis and Sex Panther cologne. Follow along in the GZ to see the real stars come out.

Astros @ Rockies Memorial Day Recap

Posted on May 29, 2012 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

10. Recaps are for pussies.

Astros @ Rockies Series Preview

Posted on May 28, 2012 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

The 22-25 Astros (4^th in NL Central, 3^rd in AL West) climb 5,280 feet to take on the 17-29 Rockies (4^th in NL West) for a four-game series.

Astros(1) @ Rockies Series Preview

AP (BEAUMONT, TX) –

“I really didn’t know what the darn thing was.”

“One minute it wasn’t here, the next minute it was!”

“Somebody should call somebody.”

Throngs of panic-stricken Beaumontians were asking the tough questions this afternoon, and word of a potential religious uprising in this quiet little Southeast Texas town is spreading quickly across State and International borders.

Monday morning at approximately 6:20am, Billy Farmer, a resident beach fisherman, caught his line on what he thought was the biggest redfish of his career, but what he reeled in might have been the biggest revelation of the 57-year-old’s life.

“It shook me to the very core of my inner being and such,” Farmer recalls. “It’s my duty to share what I have seen.”

At the end of Farmer’s 12-lb monofilament fishing line was a thin, gleaming-white three-ringed binder, pristinely encased in five-inches of bubble wrap and industrial-grade rubber bands. A lone yellow post-it note was attached inside the protective sheath, simply stating, “For strosrays, (expletive).”

“I knew a strosrays back in 1978, but I think he changed his name or something,” says Linda Gatti, a 55-year-old waitress. “And when I say I knew him, I mean I “knew” him, with quotation marks at the left of the k of the word knew and to the right of the w in the word knew. Like this (gestures).”

With the identity of the one named strosrays in question, Farmer opened the binder and read its contents. Inside was a single page of hand-scribbled declarations, with the title, “Series Preview Commandments” underlined twice near the top-left corner.

What “Series” of events this doctrine commands is unknown at the time of this publication, but the following list is both enlightening and soul-shaking. The Associated Press has decided to display the binder’s contents in full, and parental discretion is advised.

Series Preview Commandments

1. Series Previews shall be published on-time, at least one hour before the first pitch of the first game of the series.

2. The standard quota for the word “fuck(1)” is seven per preview, any mention of the word in relation to Commandment #4 does not count.

3. If it’s a Cardinals preview, the “fuck(2)” quota is 26.

4. “Fuck the Cubs” shall be written early and often.

5. Series Previews shall be written under the heavy influence of alcohol.

6. The presence of a gorilla (physical or spiritual) is strongly advised during the writing process.

7. You can write about literally anything you want to. Just say the word “Astros(2)” at least five times.

8. Any positive or negative mention of Kevin Bass’s (redacted) results in immediate suspension.

9. JimR is old.

10. Recaps are for pussies.

US Officials are still analyzing the document and where it came from, but soil analysis has revealed the binder’s origin as somewhere in deep Arkansas. The exact location is still under close review, because nobody really wants to look around too much in fucking(3) Arkansas.

And while the government remains puzzled, Farmer knows exactly where his path leads.

“Fuck the Cubs,” he proclaims.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Astros(3) lose 9-7, day game. Astros(4) lose 7-6 (10), night game.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

No fucking(4) game?!?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Harrell (4-3) vs Friedrich (2-1)

Thursday, June 1, 2012

Norris (5-1) vs Guthrie (2-3)

Injuries

Astros(5)

Abad – 15-day DL (right intercostal strain)

Escalona – Out for year (left elbow)

Weiland – Out til ASB (right shoulder infection)

Fucking(5) Rockies

Chacin – Measles

De La Rosa – Mumps

Gomez – Hand, Foot, Mouth disease

Hernandez – Mono

Hererra – Shingles

Nelson – Bird Flu

What to watch for:

The new concessions stand at Coors Field. Best brownies in the stadium. They also have lollipops and Reese’s PB Cups. Apparently you have to have a doctor’s note to buy there.

Fuck (6)

Fuck (7)

Follow the action in the GZ!

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