So Dennis Green was right.  They are who we thought they were.  Despite hot streaks and hopeful signs, this just ain’t a good baseball team.  Getting beat on the road is to be expected, to a certain extent; being made the Royals’ new ugly girlfriends, well, that’s just low.  What’s the salve that cures a hurt like that?  May I interest you in some 107-proof Hate?

Half of the fun of being a sports fan is hating other teams.  Cubs, Cards, Yanks, Mets, Braves, Giants: I have hate on both coasts and several places in between.  But in those cases, the geography is pretty much incidental.  I’ve been to all of those cities, and had no worse than a “pretty good” time at each.  Hell, Chicago is near the top of the very small list of cities I’d consider relocating to if necessary.  I hate the teams and fanbases, not the cities.

And then there’s Dallas.

HULK SMASH!

Asa lifelong Houstonian, Dallas has always been the city I hated.  Hated the nonsensical highways that don’t follow any particular point of the compass, just meander off into the prairie like a damned elephant going off to die.  The women.  Oh lord the women.  I can’t imagine why they haven’t all collapsed in a heap, crippled by the vertigo from looking so far down their noses at everyone else.  I like that my wife doesn’t wear pearls to the H-E-B, you harpies.  My family who lived in “Dallas” actually lived so far north that they were in a different area code, but they were claiming Big D at every fucking chance. Moreover,  you’re so close to Oklahoma that you smell like cattle shit and unemployment.  Your underachieving bullshit baseball franchise is exactly what you deserve.  Tom Hicks isn’t just the owner of the Metroplex’s baseball team: he IS the Metroplex.  Overpriced, leveraged to Hell and back, and just interesting in shiny things, like A-Rod’s butthole.

And I’m quite aware that the Ballpark is in Arlington, and that some of our fine posters hail from Dallas, but I wouldn’t want anything small like facts to get in the way of the hate that I’ve treasured since I was a tyke.  And seriously, get the hell out of there before everything becomes one big RA Sushi.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, June 18

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Scott Feldman (4-6, 5.28) v. Wandy “2007” Rodriguez (3-9, 5.60)

The probables page mentions that Feldman has never faces the Marlins.  Which is just dandy.  Hooray journalism!  He’s from Hawaii, just like our president and chocolate-covered macadamia nuts.  The Good Guys are .294 combined against him, with Hunter, Bourn and Berkman leading the charge.

Wandy’s reminding all of us of Bad Wandy from years gone by, which is actually not Redding Horrible, just regular old Mark Portugal Bad.  Ian Kinsler loves feasting on some rare Eny to the tune of a ricockulous .750/1.500/2.269.  Good Lord.  This don’t look good.  Luckily, he gets everyone else out.  Or has in the past.

Saturday, June 19

6:05 CT, MMPUS

Colby Lewis (6-4, 3.30) v. Brian Moehler (0-3, 6.32)

Mister Lewis is in his second go-round with the Rangers, which is basically like getting back together with the girl who cheated on you, ran up your credit cards, and then gained 150 lbs while you were apart.  Just plain dumb.  Only Carlos has seen him more than one AB, and he’s hitting .286.  Faaaaaaantastic!

Moe’s really putting the “work” in “workman” lately, in the sense that he’s getting worked over by opposing hitters.  I love the guy for all he’s done for the past few years, but there comes a point where you gotta cut bait.  David “Stop Calling Me Dale” Murphy and Elvis Andrus both hit him pretty well.

Sunday, June 20th

FATHER’S DAY (just a gentle reminder from a man with no kids)

1:05 CT, MMPUS

C.J. Wilson (5-3, 3.48) v. Felipe Paulino (1-8, 4.50)

Wilson is a tough, no-nonsense cop who doesn’t play by the rules.  When the Cuban Mafia took out the woman he loved in a voodoo ritual murder cult, they thought it was over.  They were wrong…dead wrong.  She’s a zombie.  He’s a cop.  They fight crime!  Also, Hunter Pence bats .800 against him.

Hard Luck Phil is back, looking for his second win of the season.  The Rangers straight up light him up and smoke him, though.  Ian Kinsler hasn’t ever gotten a hit against him, at least.  Everyone else is north of .333.  With Moe ahead of him in the rotation, you gotta hope he’ll at least go deep into this game to give the bullpen a rest.

Injuries

Astros:

Alberto Arias – at home, watching Copa Munidal in his Underoos.

Bud Norris – about to un-DL himself, cutting off Brian Moehler’s head to gain his powers as…The High (ERA) Lander!

Chris Sampson – regrowing his hair, rehabbing his whatchamacallit.

Rangers:

(deep breath)

Endy Chavez:  Post-Yankees Obscurity Syndrome (P.O.S.)

Nelson Cruz: Torn hamstring while converting to Judiasm.

Toby Hall: And I quote “Still having trouble with stamina”.  S’ok, Toby.  Happens to plenty of guys.

Rich Harden: Strained glut.  Is that like a glute?  Kids these days.

Derek Holland:  Throwing off a mound in Arizona.  Sounds like a euphemism to me.

Tommy Hunter:  Training as sniper for Cuban Mafia; the only man who can stop C.J. Wilson

Eric Hurley:  Torn rotator cuff.  Must’ve been throwing off Derek Holland’s mound.

Promotions

Friday: Kiolbassa-sponsored Lone Star Series t-shirt.  And fireworks, dammit.

Saturday: Nolan Ryan bobblehead.  The bobblehead depicts him loading the Dell Diamond on the back of an F-350 while giving the bird to Houston.

Sunday: A TIE!  On Father’s Day!  How original!  Wait, are we actually getting ironic promotional items at games now?  I think I need to lie down.  Also, fathers can run the bases.  They won’t do this promotion next year after all the torn hammies and that one fat guy who has a stroke in front of third.

Happy Father’s Day, everybody!  It was my dad who introduced me to baseball and the Astros, and though we don’t go to as many games together as we should, it’s always a blast when we do.  I almost feel like I should be carrying my glove to the game when I go with him, just for old times sake.   Maybe we can stop and eat at Jojo’s on 290 and 34th after the game.  Can we, Dad?

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

Something’s been nagging at me for a while about the Astros, and about Drayton McLane in particular.  Why is it he, moreso than perhaps any other baseball owner, gets singled out as misguided or foolish in his expectations and management of the franchise?

I’m looking primarily at the national media, the Ken Rosenthals, Keith Laws and Jayson Starks of the world.  If another owner makes an ill-advised or risky free agent signing, there will be hemming and hawing about the cost and what they were thinking, but when the Astros sign a Kaz Matsui or Mike Hampton, the knives come out.  He’s delusional, he’s cheap, he spends too much, he has tunnel vision, he strong-arms his GM.   We who know better know the lines so well, they’re like barroom standards that refuse to die.  And yet dumbass radio fans just regurgitate them like liturgy.

I literally cannot think of any other owner who gets this particular kind of criticism; Steinbrenner has a somewhat similar “just win, baby” attitude, but his endless coffers are the chief target of critics.  David Glass in Kansas City is hounded for driving a once-successful franchise into the ground and a dedicated fanbase to despair, but he’s mostly portrayed as cheap and clueless.  Tom Hicks is a spend-crazy gringo, but his star has crashed significantly later, and he’s only technically still the Rangers’ owner.  Dan Loria is a cheapskate, and Peter Angelos is an asshole, but beyond them, everyone else is pretty much anonymous.

So why does Drayton get hated on?  Consider this: Colorado signed Eric Byrnes to a similarly delusional contract, and released him sooner, yet it was treated like a light hearted comedy, with a beer league ending.  Yet Kaz’s release was treated as though the ill-omen albatross had finally flown away.  What’s the difference between those two signings?

Is it the earnestness with which Drayton makes his pitch to fans, with the inevitable response being , “Do you really believe this shit?”  Is it that the writers just generally like Gerry, and have been opposed to Drayton since Gerry lost that battle of the wills?  Does he sneak into the press box and crop dust the rows with burrito farts?  Did the writers have an actual uncle named Drayton who used to dress up in an ice cream vendor outfit and molest them?  I’ve got nothing.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, May 28th. 6:10 PM CST

Great American Ballpark

Wandy Rodriguez (2-6, 4.33) v. Sam LeCure (0-0, 0.00)

Well, shit.  Another gat-dam rookie.  We know where this is going.  We want it to be different.  We want to believe that each subsequent time will be different.  But it won’t.

Wandy is 6-6 lifetime against the Reds; he owns Jay Bruce , but Ramon Hernandez and Jonny “Not A Typo” Gomes hit him well.

Saturday, May 29th. 6:10 PM CST

Great American Ballpark

Brian Moehler (0-1, 4.42) v. Aaron Harang (3-5, 5.98)

This was Bud’s spot, but he pulled a muscle or some shit.  So Moehler gets to start, and he’s been pretty horrible against the Pasta-Chili-Fuckers, so expect some lucky fans in outfield deck seats to get a ball to play with.  Ahem.  Joey Votto has a preposterous 1.857 OPS against him.  I think that means that he hits two homers each at bat, but my math could be wrong.

Harang has been a launching pad for Berkman, so hopefully homer #8 will happen here.  Most other ‘stros hit him well, including Moehler, who’s .500 for life against Harang.  Oh yeah: Gunther has 5 K’s against him.  Of course.

Sunday, May 30th. 12:10 PM CST

Great American Ballpark

Felipe Paulino (0-7, 5.08) v. Mike Leake (4-0, 2.70)

It’d be a damned shame for Paulino to start 0’fer against the damned Reds, but Leake is their de facto ace this year.   Paulino is 1-4 lifetime against Cincy, and Laynce Nix and Bruce hitting him hard as well.

I could write about how Leake was the latest pitcher to do well in his only start against us, but I’m getting the Hate Shakes just thinking about it, so at the insistence of my cardiologist, we’re moving on to….

PPPPROMOTIONS!

Friday: Bald Eagle Flight.  Guess what the bird has that Ohioans don’t?  That’s right: a job.

Saturday: Joey Votto RealDoll Figurine  Gawd, that’s creepy looking. 

Sunday: Run the Bases Day AND  Reds Skateboard Deck.  Kids caught using the skateboards to navigate the bases will be shot on sight. 

Injuries

Astros:

Bud Norris – 15 Day DL: Bursitis and tendonitis.  Basically, Bud’s got The Itis.  Too much ribs, man.

Tim Byrdak – Rehabing in Round Rock. Telling Wes Wright that people in Houston miss him, but mostly because they think he’s Michael Bourn’s teenage brother.

Alberto Arias – Missing in Action, Chuck Norris is looking to bring him home…or else.

Cincy:

Homer Bailey: 15-Day DL, appearing in a John Steinbeck novel.

Chris Dickerson: 15-Day DL, starring in porn film as Dick Chrisserson.

Edinson Volquez: 60-Day DL, starring in anti-drug PSA.

Joey Votto: day-to-day, planning his one man show, “Are You There, God?  It’s Me, Joey Votto.”

What to Watch For:

• Oswalt isn’t pitching, so all bets are off
• But Berkman is batting, so some dingers.
• Like you’ll be watching.  You’re going to your beach house, aren’t you?
• I wish I had a beach house.
• How do you stop the list function?
• .
• um
• am I trapped here?
• all weekend?
• shit.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

I still haven’t figured out how to root for this year’s Astros team.   Unlike the sniveling masses, I refuse to throw in the towel on this season and bide my time until the Texans season starts, grumbling about delusional owners and Baseball Prospectus grades for our farm system.  But what’s the alternative?  There ain’t no sunshine when my baby’s gone, and there ain’t no soaring bright hope to focus on this year.  Bourn is still thrilling, and the young pitcher are showing some signs of maturity, but hell, if that’s all you can hang your hat on, what do you do during the other eight batters?

In the previous franchise doldrums in the early nineties, I was a fan hooked on the adventures of Gonzo and Baggy and Bidge, with little regard for the fact that the latter two would someday form the nucleus of a playoff (and World Series) team.  If they won, great.  If they lost, oh well.  Besides, at that point in my life, I was more concerned with figuring out whether Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or Starburst were the best path to a young girl’s heart.  I never quite figured that answer out, and by the time the Astros were good again, that girl was gone to New York to become a ballerina, and I had a less candy-centric view of romance.

Obviously, it would be treasonous to root against my hometown team.  But even as it regards the players on this team who infuriate me (Pence and Lee), I can’t even bring myself to root against them.  When Pence hits a walk-off double, I’m happy for the dopey little guy.  I even allow myself the hope that he’s turned some sort of corner, that’s he’s finally figured it out and will finally live up to the potential that’s been thrust upon him.

As has sometimes been mentioned here, the root word of fan is fanatic.  I love the city of Houston (kiss my humid ass, Alkie), and I love the Astros.  I’ll be a fan through thick and thin.  But during this thin time, I just don’t know if I can muster enough gusto to be a true fanatic.

Probables

Tuesday, May 11th, 7:15 CST

Macrobrew Stadium

Brett Myers (1-2, 3.60) v. Brad Penny (3-2, 1.99)

Eliza Dushku is an actress whose most recent show, Dollhouse, occasionally featured her getting punched (though not in the way that Limey is currently punching himself).   Up until recently, Dushku dated Brad Penny, because she has either bad vision or bad taste.  So I guess what I’m getting at is that both starting pitchers know a thing or two about women who’ve been hit.

Allegedy.

Ahem.

Penny’s been impressive this year, having hooked himself up to the John Smoltz Memorial Rejuvenation Machine that’s kept in the basement of Busch Stadium.  Or it could just be that being in Missouri, without all the distractions and moderately attractive people in California, he’s had more time to focus on his craft.  One of those two, to be sure.  Against the Astros of years past, Penny has been formidable, with a .217 BA against him; however, Bourn, Blum and Lee all hit him well.

As much as I’m still queasy about Myers as a person, Myers as a pitcher has been a hoss, staying on the mound deep into games and relieving the burden on the ‘pen.  The Co-ards do hit him rather well, with Skippy Schumacher, Ryan Ludwick and Matt “Oww My Balls” Holliday as the most common offenders.

Wednesday, May 12th, 7:15 CT

Yellow Piss Field

Wandy Rodriguez (1-4, 4.59) v. Kyle Lohse (0-2, 5.45)

Paging Brad Arnsberg!  Brad Arnsberg, please pick up the white courtesy phone!  In our heart of hearts, we all kinda hoped that 2009 wasn’t a fluke for Wandy.  I don’t think it’s fair to say that it is at this point, but it’s starting to look like an outlier at least.   Roller Coaster Wandy is back, y’all.  Overall, he’s had success against St. Louie, with only Ryan Ludwick and Skip Schumacher batting over .300 against him; even mighty Prince Albert hits just .212 against him.

Kyle Lohse is so boring, his name is Kyle Lohse.  His last name sounds like it was going to be something long and Germanic or Scandinavian, but it just gave up five letters in.   He’s still looking for his first win, and if Hunter and Caballo hit him the way they have in the past, he’s probably going to have to keep looking.

Thursday, May 13th, 12:45 CST

Dear God It Just Tastes Like Mineral Water Ballpark

Bud Norris (1-3, 7.52) v. Chris Carpenter (4-0, 2.80)

Bud’s struggling, and working with Arnsberg to fix a hitch in his mechanics.  He’s faced the Cards twice, and has been hit well by David Freese, Zeppo Molina, and the ever-annoying Ryan Ludwick.  Ludwick: I hope you get lost in East Saint Louis while searching for hookers, and someone goes all Wire on you.

Carpenter is disgustingly good and apparently a decent human being.  Fuck that noise.  Let’s remind him what it’s like to lose.

Injuries

Astros

Alberto Arias – out for season, strained potential

Tim Byrdak – 15-day DL, horrible Lasik reversion injury

Cards

Matt Holliday – Sore Groin.  Really.  I totally didn’t even know about this before the “Oww, My Balls” joke earlier.  Sometimes things just come together.

Felipe Lopez – 15-day DL, Sore elbow from meeting Eliza Dushku, aka BIMBS (Be In My Bunk Syndrome)

Giveaways

Wednesday: Ice Mountain Autograph Night!  Get player autographs, sponsored by a bottled water company.  So basically all the Cards corporate sponsors make tasteless, low-alcohol content beverages.

What To Watch For

– Bud’s mechanics.  Are you a four starter in a third starter’s body, or a fifth starter/long reliever in a fourth starter’s?

– Bourn’s possible suspension if his appeal doesn’t go through.  Myers says that sometimes umps just need a little bump to keep them in line.

– Hell if I know: I’m going to be watching with my hands half-covering my face, since this one is probably going to be ugly.  Fucking Cardinals.

Extree! Extree! Read all about it! Commish says “Break up the Astros!”  Unstoppable juggernaut threatens sea life!   Tens of dozens of Marlins fans threatened!  No one actually talks like paper boys, new study shows!

Now that the Cubs are rightly fucked, the boys from Crawford & Texas have returned home to face the Marlins & Pirates in succession.  The 8-5 Marlins arrive in the Bayou City just half a game behind the NL East-leading Phils, and as young and innocent as ever.

Watching the Marlins roster turn over year after year as Jeff Loria send his studs packing for greener pastures is like an experience I had while attending A&M.  Every day, I’d ride my bike past the Animal Sciences Center on my way to class in the Bio/Bio building.  About once a week, there’d be a line of cattle or pigs queued up in a pen outside one particular door next to the loading docks.  One at a time, the livestock were led inside to meet their fate (or become fated meat, if you prefer); meanwhile, all the ones outside remained blissfully unaware of what awaited them in a few minutes.  Well, almost all.

There was always one animal that had suddenly acheived a level of problem-solving ability that we rarely attribute to their kind.  The oppulent food in the feed lot.  The air-tickling-your-ears fun of the ride in the trailer.  The cattle prods.  It finally dawned: whatever they’d been promised, it wasn’t on the other side of that door.  The Other Side held something unspeakable.  And that one animal was sounding the alarm.  The terror of one particularly aware hog still echoes in my ears.

Marlins players are like those animals: trapped in a holding pen, waiting for the chance to become what they’re meant to be: professional baseball players who get paid like professional baseball players.   Sure, Hanley Ramirez and Josh Johnson got paid, but for every one of them, there are three Josh Beckett’s.   It’s a great business plan for the franchise: underspend, over-perform, trade assets, repeat.  The inhumanity is that it denies the average fan any continuity, any rooting joy apart from watching AAA box scores for the signs that someone’s about to hop on the truck from the feed lot to the slaughterhouse.

Probables Pitchers from MLB.com

Tuesday, April 20th.  7:05 PM, MMPUS

Chris Volstad (1-1, 3.46) v. Brett Myers (0-1, 3.46)

Look, ma!  Identical ERAs!  Florida native Volstad is another in the aforementioned long line of homegrown talent to be a big part of the Marlins’ gameplan this year.  He’s faced the ‘stros twice, winning once.  Bourn, Lee and Pence all hit him well.  He’s no looker (every picture I found of him makes it look like someone just explained to him for the first time what a colonoscopy is), so maybe he’s just the slumpbuster that Caballo and Gunther need.

Myers is looking for some run support after tossing a gem against the C0-ards, only to take a loss.  He’s played the Fish alot, bringing a 6-11 record to his first start against his former NL East rivals.   He’s taken a pounding from John Baker, Dan Uggla and Ramirez;  Uggla has five homers against him.  Cody Ross and Emilio Bonifacio are the only schlubs who struggle against him.

Wednesday, April 21st. 7:05 PM, MMPUS

Josh Johnson (1-1, 4.50) v. Budly Norris (1-1, 3.52)

Johnson’s the ace of the Marlins’ staff, and one of the few players old enough to rent a car, so I guess that makes him a veteran.   He’s struggled against the Astros in the past, having yet to post his first win, supplemented by a 7.36 ERA.  Pence has homered off of him, and Q has hit him pretty well, too.

Studly Budly returns to the scene of his first start, hoping that it goes more like his second one.  He was damn good (for a number 4 starter) against the Cards last week; I sense that he may spend this season reminding us of early career Wandy, alternating solid starts with mind-numbing fuckups en route to 10-11 and 4.30 or something.   Hanley and Jorge Cantu have both hit him well, but Chris Coughlin is 0-7 with 3 K’s.  Hopefully Coughlin’s been too busy playing grabass with some other player whose name sounds like an MTV VJ from the 90’s to watch game tape and learn more about Bud.

Thursday, April 22nd. 7:05 PM, MMPUS

Anibal Sanchez (0-1, 6.75) v. Felipe Paulino (0-1, 7.36)

HAHA!  He has a girl name!  Just like Morgan Ensberg!  (Sorry, Mo.  Really, really love the blog.)  Annabelle sucks against everyone but the Good Guys, apparently.  Despite his career-long fight with Persistent Acute Mediocrity, he’s got a sub-1 ERA against us.  Seriously.  Caballo’s only significant stat against him is a GIDP.  Yippe-kai-ay.

Paulino’s tough sixth inning against the FTC prevented a sweep, but other than that he looked pretty good.  He’s never faced the Fish before, so hopefully this goes well.

Pppppppromotions!

Tuesday – Commemorative “Tobacco Water Pipes” brought to you by Bizarre Bazaar. No wait, it’s Double Play Tuesday, from Powerade.  Get a reward for drinking sugar water!

Wednesday – Green Earth Day cap with a completely inexplicable white line around the crown.

Thursday – 45th Anniversary Blanket. Because it gets cold in the cellar.  Badump-bump!  Thank you!  Thank you!  I’ll be here all week!  Try the buffet!  Come back, the 9 o’clock show is not the same as the 6:30 show!   Okay, the blanket is on Friday against the Pirates. 

What To Watch For

– La Volver del Puma

– Slumpbustin’ for Pence and Lee.  It strikes me that Lee may have to slumpbust while wearing a fake mustache and a sombrero.  I won’t elaborate on what the stick horse is for.

– Smaller crowds than a Limp Bizkit reunion show.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!