Anna Nicole Smith DEAD

[ASTROCREEP]

that's all, just wanted to report it.

[Limey]

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that's all, just wanted to report it.

That's Trim-Spa, baby!

[Alkie]

I want you to think about that.

It wasn't the heroin.  Or the alcohol.  Or the coke.  Or the speed.  Or the meth.  Or the crack.  Or the acid.  Or the roofies.  Or the cough syrup.  Or the codiene.  Or the shrooms.  Or the mescaline.  Or the peyote.  Or the ludes.  Or the K.  Or the tranquilizers.  Or the cigarettes.  Or the syphillis.  Or the hepatitis-C.  Or the X.  Or the clap.  Or the Oxy.  Or the opium.  Or the PCP.  Or the huff.  Or the hardcore anal gangbanging.  Or the softcore cumguzzling.  Or the fry.  Or the suicide attempts.  Or the accidents.  Or the Ritalin.  Or the cancer.  Or the implants.  Or even killing herself, choking her brain on her own insufferable stupidity.

No.

It was the Trim-Spa.  

That, kids, must be some serious shit.

[Limey]

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That, kids, must be some serious shit.

For a short time, it made her fuckable again (can I say "fuckable" on the air?).

There was a survey amongst baseball players (probably minor leagues because big-leaguers wouldn't answer the question for free):
Q:  If you could take a substance that would make you a superstar player, but would kill you 5 years after your career was over, would you take it?
A:  Over 50% said "Yes".

Of course, they probably weren't dealing with a walking cadaver of a body.

[HurricaneDavid]

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Q:  If you could take a substance that would make you a superstar player, but would kill you 5 years after your career was over, would you take it?
A:  Over 50% said "Yes".

Kill you 5 years after your career ended, or shorten your life span by 5 years?

[JimR]

the former. i read a survey of Olympic level athletes by SI who were asked the question: substance will guarantee a gold medal but you'll be dead in 5 years. 75% said they would take it.

crazy mofos.

[Alkie]

Well, that pretty much answers my question on the roids issue of "are these guys fucking morons or what?"

A: "Yes."

[HurricaneDavid]

I'd consider taking said substance if it was "only" going to shorten my life span by 5 years, and I knew that I was scheduled to live to 105, and that the last 5 years of my life would be spent in a nursing home.  Oh, and only if the substance was legal.

"Choosing" to live only 5 years beyond a superstar career is moronic.

[EmirOfSchmoe]

Well, maybe this will take some heat off NASA.

[Limey]

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"Choosing" to live only 5 years beyond a superstar career is moronic.

That's the choice that I remember the survey exposed.  Of course, I was fucked up on Shiner at the time...

[Limey]

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Well, maybe this will take some heat off NASA.

...because that's the only newsworthy thing happening this week.  It's not like there's a member of the White House staff on trial for perjury, or a serving officer on trial for refusing deployment to Iraq (he offered to go to Afghanistan) or anything important like that.

Also, no Paris Hilton sex tape this week.

[Alkie]

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Also, no Paris Hilton sex tape this week.

...whataworldwhataworld.....

[TheWizard]

 

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Also, no Paris Hilton sex tape this week.  

I'm sure Paris won't let someone take her spotlight like this, she'll get on it. (Literally and hypothetically)

[MRaup]

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Also, no Paris Hilton sex tape this week.  

I'm sure Paris won't let someone take her spotlight like this, she'll get on it. (Literally and hypothetically)

Do we dare to wish?

[Lefty]

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Also, no Paris Hilton sex tape this week.

Nope, Kim Kardashian is the "celebrity" videoslut of the week.

[Limey]

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Nope, Kim Kardashian is the "celebrity" videoslut of the week.

I think I've seen Lindsey Lohan's gash more often that her OB-GYN.

[Fredia]

lets face it most of us here knew that Ms. Smith was a train wreck waiting to crash.. but i do feel sorry for the baby that she had not to long ago.

[Mr. Happy]

The saddest fact is that every swinging dick who got within yanking distance of the late Ms. Smith will be claiming to be "daddy" in order to take over the Marshall litigation. Sad.

[Bench]

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The saddest fact is that every swinging dick who got within yanking distance of the late Ms. Smith will be claiming to be "daddy" in order to take over the Marshall litigation. Sad.

It's interesting to note that the two primary figures of the litigation, Anna Nicole and her stepson, are both now deceased.

[MusicMan]

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Also, no Paris Hilton sex tape this week.

Nope, Kim Kardashian is the "celebrity" videoslut of the week.

Who?

And, for the love of all that is good, why would anyone hope for a Paris sex tape??

[toddthebod]

I hope that Showtime and Skinemax stop showing "Anna Nicole Smith:  Exposed."  I don't like watching nudie flicks of the recently deceased.

[pravata]

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That, kids, must be some serious shit.

For a short time, it made her fuckable again (can I say "fuckable" on the air?).

There was a survey amongst baseball players (probably minor leagues because big-leaguers wouldn't answer the question for free):
Q:  If you could take a substance that would make you a superstar player, but would kill you 5 years after your career was over, would you take it?
A:  Over 50% said "Yes".

Of course, they probably weren't dealing with a walking cadaver of a body.

NY Times article refered to her as "obtrusively voluptuous".

[Bench]

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The saddest fact is that every swinging dick who got within yanking distance of the late Ms. Smith will be claiming to be "daddy" in order to take over the Marshall litigation. Sad.

The paternity dispute was between her attorney/husband Howard Stern and former boyfriend Larry Birkhead. Suddenly, a third suitor has entered the fray:  Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederick Von Anhalt.

[strosrays]

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That, kids, must be some serious shit.

For a short time, it made her fuckable again (can I say "fuckable" on the air?).

There was a survey amongst baseball players (probably minor leagues because big-leaguers wouldn't answer the question for free):
Q:  If you could take a substance that would make you a superstar player, but would kill you 5 years after your career was over, would you take it?
A:  Over 50% said "Yes".

Of course, they probably weren't dealing with a walking cadaver of a body.

In addition, a recent survey showed 4 out of 5 crackheads would prefer a hit of strychhnine laced with arsenic over one of Trim-Spa.  "I just wanna get high, bro. I'm not looking to kill myself."

At any rate, what has been overlooked so far is the most serious ramification of the denouement of this sad affair.  Now Headline News-hack Nancy Grace can literally bring herself to onscreen climax, simply by issuing the name "Anna Nicole Smith" from her lips.  Doesn't even have to rub her legs together, or anything.

She did it 14 times on CNN last night, by my (unofficial) count.

[Limey]

There's only one ELVIS!

[Limey]

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Doesn't even have to rub her legs together, or anything.

...the missing element in the movie of the book "Jaws".

[Fredia]

from what i just heard not trim spa or drugs (at least no pills in the stomach). may be 5 weeks till the toxixcology reports come back. and so far no signs of foul play.

[mihoba]

I have spoken with her mother and her brothers about Vickie (Anna Nicole's real name) several times over the years. My first wife was remarried to Vickie's brother. My oldest daughter thinks the world of Vergie, the mother.

More than any other, the true telling of the 'famous' celeb (as if marrying the old wealthy man wasn't enough) was when she called and asked about a power of attorney--- right after her mother had an aneurysm and was in the hospital. She didn't even ask about her health. The family was not too happy about that, but she was still family, you know?

Dannielynn is their concern now, I'm sure. They are good folks.
__________________

[strosrays]

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Doesn't even have to rub her legs together, or anything.

...the missing element in the movie of the book "Jaws".

I missed a few things along the way, I guess you could say.  At any rate, I am a little surprised Smith's death has caused such an uproar.  I am pretty sure the initial "bang" from it, anyway, is at least as great as when Marilyn Monroe offed herself.  The only difference is, Miss Monroe A.) was better looking, B.) made some movies you could actually watch in between the sex scenes, and C.) was banging the POTUS and at least one of his brothers at the time.

On the other hand, come to think of it. . . where was Bill Clinton (and Anna Nicole) between 11:30 PM and 2:00 AM that night - any night - between 1992 and 2000.  Not counting the times he had Paula or Gennifer or Monica over for dinner, I mean.  A little brandy and of course Cuban cigars afterward.

The logical next thing to happen here - I've been thinking about this - is for Paul and Paul, Sr. Teutul to get involved.  They already made a Trim-Spa bike on one of their shows awhile back, commissioned by whoever the slick little guy is who owns that company.  In their next "build" (a build is when they take various items from around their shop and weld them somewhere onto a motorcycle frame and then call it a "theme bike", while meanwhile Paul Sr. and Jr. make fun of "Mikey" and scream at each other), I am thinking an Anna Nicole Smith theme bike is in order.  Maybe weld a matching gas tank and oil pain out front on the forks somehow, and for sure give it an oversized seat.  

Something tasteful, in other words.  Like the Teutuls are known for.

[homer]

 

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(a build is when they take various items from around their shop and weld them somewhere onto a motorcycle frame and then call it a "theme bike", while meanwhile Paul Sr. and Jr. make fun of "Mikey" and scream at each other)

I guess you haven't watched it recently. Now they have a real artist with a big/fast computer that takes direction from Jr. and draws concept shit. Then there is a a real CNC operator who cuts the stuff out for them. And then Jr. watches Vinnie weld it on the frame.

Meanwhile Big Paul, Paulie and Mikey think of new ways to fuck off in front of the camera. There isn't as much fighting anymore because they really don't do any work. They are truly living the American dream.

[pravata]

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That, kids, must be some serious shit.

For a short time, it made her fuckable again (can I say "fuckable" on the air?).

There was a survey amongst baseball players (probably minor leagues because big-leaguers wouldn't answer the question for free):
Q:  If you could take a substance that would make you a superstar player, but would kill you 5 years after your career was over, would you take it?
A:  Over 50% said "Yes".

Of course, they probably weren't dealing with a walking cadaver of a body.

NY Times article refered to her as "obtrusively voluptuous".

Another description I read, "If princess Diana was a candle in the wind, Miss Smith was a bonfire in a hail storm."

[Trey]

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Another description I read, "If princess Diana was a candle in the wind, Miss Smith was a bonfire in a hail storm."

Were the referencing Marilyn Monroe, and not Di?  Candle in the Wind was written about her (and eventually changed for Di), and is probably a closer (not close, but closer) comparison for ANS.

[mihoba]

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Suddenly, a third suitor has entered the fray:  Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederick Von Anhalt.

And now, drum roll please, a 4th has entered the picture. The frozen stuff from the old man, which her half-sister says it was a final ploy to get the old coot's billions by producing a blood heir.

Stay turned to the next episode of: Who poked and seeded the blond bimbo.

[MusicMan]

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Doesn't even have to rub her legs together, or anything.

...the missing element in the movie of the book "Jaws".

That had to be one of the worst-written "sex" scenes of all time.  As Bill Simmons would say, "it shattered the Unintentional Comedy Scale".

[strosrays]

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Doesn't even have to rub her legs together, or anything.

...the missing element in the movie of the book "Jaws".

That had to be one of the worst-written "sex" scenes of all time.  As Bill Simmons would say, "it shattered the Unintentional Comedy Scale".

I've been trying to remember that scene for a few days now, prompted by this thread, but I cannot.  It's been a looong time since I saw that movie in its entirety, I guess.

I will say this in defense of the screenwriter - the source material wasn't much to work with.  I am pretty sure I read the book before I ever saw the movie, I don't know why.  Maybe someone gave it to me.  But even my (then) grade school mind realized  Benchley had command of some pretty wooden prosedy.  As I recall, the highlight of that sex scene in the book was when the Scheider character's wife is laying in the bed, post-doin' it, and listening to Dreyfus's character take a long, slow piss in the adjoining bathroom.  She muses to herself, "Isn't it odd that I never realized before that other men besides my husband can piss for so long?"

That was it.  I kid you not.  I don't know that Tom Clancy ever tried his hand at a sex scene - if he did, I don't want to know about it.  Really.  But it would be hard to do much worse than Benchley did in Jaws.

The only "prominent" current writer I've read that I can think of as aprroaching a lack of lyrical dexterity to such a degree, at least in bedroom scenes, is William Buckley, Jr.  You know, the National Review guy.  When not running his magazine or being a conservative icon, Buckley liked to write spy novels about some CIA guy.  I found myself sitting around the Memphis airport once and bought one of the books.  It was a "quick read", as they say.  I was basically done with it by the time I landed in Atlanta.  The only thing I really remember from it now is Buckley's character was somewhere down in Central America at one point, and managed to lasso himself some "strange" for the evening.  Back at his hotel, one thing led to another and. . . what resulted was perhaps the most sexless sex scene I've ever read.  The entirety of it was something close to this:  "Oaks and the girl went to his room.  They undressed.  Then they got on the bed.  They kissed and then Oaks climbed on top of her and after awhile he felt himself spasm.  Then he rolled off of her and they smoked cigarettes."

Buckley should have stuck to dry and erudite essays on conservative philosophy.  And Benchley should have read his grandfather more extensively before picking up a pen himself.

Or maybe I'm just jealous those guys got rich from their writing.

[MusicMan]

It wasn't in the movie at all - I was talking about the book.

And IIRC, "Sum of All Fears" had a bedroom scene to get Jack over his "issues", but that was as close as I can remember for Clancy.

[Limey]

More conservative novel writing:

Robo used his ?product? only occasionally, but tonight was special. He had two fifteen-year-old girls who would do anything for the drug, and he was determined to exploit the situation.

?Say, baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up,? Robo said to one of the girls. She was so intoxicated she had trouble standing, but Robo was her sugar daddy, and as he sat in a filthy, imitation, leather couch, there in the living room of a run-down three-bedroom apartment, she obediently performed oral sex on him.

Five feet away, the other teenage girl sat on a mattress on the floor and watched, greedily sucking on the crack pipe Robo had passed to her. Edgar looked over and grinned, showing yellow, decaying teeth. Obviously, he preferred oral sex to oral hygiene.

?You?re next, girl, and I want you to do her too,? he ordered. As Robo took the crack pipe back the girl groggily nodded her consent. Inhaling deeply, Robo blew the cocaine smoke out through his nose and mouth. The bitter taste left him feeling powerful, energized, and free of worry. He was bad and he was flush.

- from the novel "Those Who Tresspass", by Bill O'Reilly (available in audio book, read by Bill O. himself).


At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.

- from the novel "The Apprentice", by I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby


The women who embraced in the wagon were Adam and Eve crossing a dark cathedral stage -- no, Eve and Eve, loving one another as they would not be able to once they ate of the fruit and knew themselves as they truly were. She felt curiously moved, curiously envious of them. She had never to this moment thought Eden a particularly attractive paradise, based as it was on naivet?, but she saw that the women in the cart had a passionate, loving intimacy forever closed to her. How strong it made them. What comfort it gave.

- from the novel "Sisters", by Lynne Cheney (the mother, not the daughter).

[Reuben]

OK, now I'm frightened.

[Limey]

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OK, now I'm frightened.

Just be glad I couldn't find the audio clip of Bill O. reading his "Say baby..." line of dialogue.  It's both hilarious and disturbing (even if you're not his intern).

[homer]

 

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Robo used his ?product? only occasionally, but tonight was special. He had two fifteen-year-old girls who would do anything for the drug, and he was determined to exploit the situation.

?Say, baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up,? Robo said to one of the girls. She was so intoxicated she had trouble standing, but Robo was her sugar daddy, and as he sat in a filthy, imitation, leather couch, there in the living room of a run-down three-bedroom apartment, she obediently performed oral sex on him.

Five feet away, the other teenage girl sat on a mattress on the floor and watched, greedily sucking on the crack pipe Robo had passed to her. Edgar looked over and grinned, showing yellow, decaying teeth. Obviously, he preferred oral sex to oral hygiene.

?You?re next, girl, and I want you to do her too,? he ordered. As Robo took the crack pipe back the girl groggily nodded her consent. Inhaling deeply, Robo blew the cocaine smoke out through his nose and mouth. The bitter taste left him feeling powerful, energized, and free of worry. He was bad and he was flush.

- from the novel "Those Who Tresspass", by Bill O'Reilly (available in audio book, read by Bill O. himself).

So, is he trying to say drugs are bad? Even though you get oral sex? I am so confused.
 

Maybe Bill should write what he knows.

[strosrays]

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OK, now I'm frightened.

Just be glad I couldn't find the audio clip of Bill O. reading his "Say baby..." line of dialogue.  It's both hilarious and disturbing (even if you're not his intern).

Jesus.  

After reading this and the stuff in the petition O'Reilly's s co-worker filed agaist him, that's about all I can say.

Jesus.

Reasons to be Cheerful, Part 4:  Pat O'Brien did not take up novel writing.

Or has not yet.