Now that we've beat this subject well beyond death, I will post the following, which is the single funniest little league email ever written. The little league serves River Oaks and the Galleria area:
Dear Fall Ball Moms-
Pirates Fall Ball 2005 is coming to a close. It's been a huge success, a lot of fun and I'd like to thank you on for keeping your player active in baseball during the off-season. I am confident that the result of the efforts of everyone involved this fall will be better baseball from our boys and for our league this spring.
We are going to cap off our fall campaign by entering Pirate teams in two tournaments in February. I am going to ask about your players' availability for those tournaments later in this message, but first I want to take this opportunity to address some things about the enjoyable experience I have had working with you.
The hundreds of emails (could it be a thousand?) that I
have received from you girls these past several months have afforded me tremendous personal growth.
I have acquiesced to the fact that it really does take you 4-6 paragraphs to answer a yes or no question. I am no longer surprised that you have no idea what size your own son wears. I am much more understanding when I am inquiring about a particular weekend, that you need to tell me not only your plans for THAT weekend, but also the previous weekend, the following weekend, spring break, and if it's something especially exciting, this summer as well. And I have increased awareness of all the injuries, ailments and medical maladies that visit themselves upon
our children. Your illustrative descriptions of bumps, swellings, spots, dots, rashes and red things that present themselves on every part of the body imaginable, have been quite educational. Although I could definitely have lived without the detailed tales of your husbands' bouts of intestinal distress.
And it doesn't even bother me anymore that with every
answer you give me, you are also compelled to provide
a lengthy explanation. I often wonder if that habit formed back in college when some embarrassing dork used to keep asking you out and you were forced to continually come up with reasons why you couldn't go.
(Can you believe you ended up marrying that very same guy???)
I owe all the credit for this self-improvement to you ladies and am most appreciative.
Now back to baseball. We would love to be able
to enter TWO Pirate teams in each of the two February tournaments and need to find out if there are going
to be enough players available to do that. And, since
these tourneys require significant entry fees, I am
going to require a FIRM answer from you. We don't want
to enter two teams and then end up with only enough
players for one.
So, based on my experience corresponding with you all, and
to make this fun, let's set a few ground rules.
Should your reply contain the words "maybe", "probably", "I think", "should be", "unless", "almost positive", or anything of that nature, I am going to send it back to you marked not accepted. I'm not talking about a 5 or 10 point deduction...I'm talkin' DQ'd.
Also, if your reply contains the word "if" as in...
If he gets his homework done
If the sty in his eye is gone
If his grandmother has left
If his sister's recital ends in time
If we're back from the lake, our ranch, our farm, our orchard or our island If my housekeeper is better If my husband is in town If the stitches are out or cast is off If I'm not pregnant If Dr. Mizell fixes his braces If we don't have to refuel on the way back from Gstaad
...the reply will be subject to immediate disqualification as well.
Now, before I give you girls the dates, please get out your blackberry's, treos, palm pilots, laptops and daytimers.
And just in case you forgot to enter something in your blackberry, treo, palm pilot, laptop or daytimer, go ahead and get your calendars out...your school calendar, social calendar, lunar calendar, charitable committee calendar, etc.
For the slim chance that you neglected to put something
on your calendar, let's go ahead and get all those schedules you moms have out too. Your volunteer schedules, your carpool schedules (don't forget rotation days!), your hair, nail, wax and laser schedules, your workout and tennis schedule, your coffee, luncheon and supper club schedules, your husband's travel schedule, your kids' basketball, gymnastics, ballet, softball, field hockey, lacrosse, music and choir schedules, scout and brownie schedules, tutor and private instructor schedules, teacher conference and vaccination schedules, as well as your bunko, mah-jong and menstrual schedules.
And just to be safe, go ahead and get out your checkbook register to see if you've written anything on it as well as all those little pieces of paper and receipts buried in the bottom of your purse that you've written things on. Don't forget the ones in your car console, glove compartment, door pocket and above the sun visor.
Okay, here we go. The dates for the tournaments are:
[dates omitted]
Is your player available to play? Is he available for both, one, or none of the tournaments? Is he available for the entire tourney or only specific days? If it's specific weekend days, is it the entire day...or only the morning, afternoon or evening of those days?
Please let me know by no later than next Friday, Jan 27th.
