By Craig the Bastard
This preview is going to be shorter than normal, because it?s a holiday weekend. Also I spent most of my preview-writing time watching Revenge of the Sith at the new digital-projection theater. I had a moment of d?j? vu when Anakin cut off Dude?s arm and it sailed out the busted window, and he shouted, ?What have I done!?!?
I had a flashback because once in college I was driving my friend?s car home from a party because he was drunk. (I was drunk too, but that?s not part of the story.) My friend decided to throw his beer bottle out the passenger?s side window, but his Bagwell-like backhand toss accidentally smashed the windshield instead. And just like Anakin, he screamed ?What have I done?!?? Except he did it with more passion.
So anyway, the Astros are back in town after a 3-6 road trip. We?re 18-31 overall and in last place. BUT! ? if we sweep the Red Asses we?ll be only 10 games off .500, AND we?ll move above the Reds in the standings. But a sweep is as likely as a Jeff Bagwell no-hitter, so don?t count on it.
In the meantime, Larry Dierker says you can get good seats.
When:
Monday, May 30, 1:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
Tuesday, May 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
Wednesday, June 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
Wow, June already. April and May just flu by.
MLB Extra Innings* ? We?ll get the Fox Southwest broadcast for all three games.
*Astros Games I?ve Missed This Season Because of the Stupid Fucking Blackout Rule ? Six
Where: MMPUS
The Reds are an envious 5-16 on the road, but the last time they visited MMPUS of course they got swept. But that was April, when anything was possible. Now we?re at the ass-end of May and the only thing getting swept is the cellar floor.
Anyway, Monday?s game will feature the Youth Baseball Day and Parade. And lots of kids will be there too.
Projected Matchups
Aaron Harang (3-2, 3.32) v. Roger Clemens (3-2, 1.19)
Harang missed his last start with the flu, of all things. Roger should Lysol the fucking rubber when he goes out every inning. Clemens also had that groin injury, so who knows if he?ll actually start today.
Biggio is 7-for-17 against Harang, and Lance Berkman has three homers (but nothing else) in 13 AB against him. Morgan Ensberg is 1-for-19 against him.
Clemens is 3-0 against the Reds, but Junior has six homers against him. Adam Dunn is 5-for-8 against Roger, and Ryan Freel is 5-for-9.
Elizardo Ramirez (0-3, 7.13) v. Brandon Backe (4-3, 4.73)
You?ll be shocked to learn that we have never faced Elizardo Ramirez. Obviously our veterans won?t be able to hit him, but maybe one or two of the youngsters saw him in the minors.
Backe is 2-0 against the Reds, with 18 strikeouts in 21 innings. Adam Dunn, Ryan Freel, and Austin Kearns are a combined 1-for-24 against him. Dunn is 0-for-9 for five strikeouts.
Ramon Ortiz (1-3, 5.20) v. Roy Oswalt (5-6, 3.23)
Ortiz is 1-0 against the Astros in two appearances, with a 0.82 ERA in 11 innings pitched. Mike Lamb has 21 AB against him, but only four hits. Everyone else has 6 AB or less. I say we need to put a beatdown on Ortiz before he develops into an Astro-killer.
Roy is 13-0 against the Red Shirts, with a 2.52 ERA in 110+ innings. So ? yeah. Current Reds are 50-for-218 (.229) against Oswalt. Several of them actually bat better than .300 against Roy, and five have homers.
Key injuries:
Cincinnati ? Stifler?s Mom is on the DL, Wily Mo Pena might be better or he might not, Joe Randa had a hurt foot but it?s probably better now.
Houston ? Bagwell is having surgery Thursday, so be sure to make your offering to Jobu. Jose Vizcaino had to leave the team for a few days because Jose Jr. broke his leg playing ball. Get well, Junior. Viz probably won?t be back in time for Monday?s game. Also, Craig Biggio is still banged up but he?ll probably play.
Other shit
? Lima Time is severely curtailed after Jose got sent to the Royals? pen. At 0-4, 8.13, he?s probably ready to be traded back to Houston.
? After watching Memorial Day war movie marathons, and then upcoming movie trailers at the theater, I had a horrible premonition. (Kind of like Anakin?s premonition about Padme, except with more pain and suffering.) My premonition was this ? what if they remade Kelly?s Heroes, and it sucked? With Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller. That would suck more balls than the entire DVD box set of Queer as Folk.
? Adam Everett, Morgan Ensberg, and Jose Vizcaino have tried out creepy dark red contact lenses that are supposed to reduce glare but also make you look like a vampire. I think they should wear them just to fuck with the opposing pitcher. They should also make a special Morgan Ensberg version that, instead of being solid, comes in streaks.
? Of course if all the players started wearing colored contacts, Bud Selig would just try to sell the space for movie logos.
