By Craig the Bastard
I got distracted and watched Bad News Bears while I was writing this, so just remember that my vote is the only one that counts, goddamn it. And let freedom ring.
The Astros just split a four-game series with the Giants, and are trying to show signs of life. I?m not convinced yet, but I?ll play along to see what happens. Morgan Ensberg got a curtain call after hitting three homers Sunday. He must have heard that the Talkzone was trading him.
We?re last in the league in hits, homers and batting average. Thank God we have Clemens to bat every fifth day.
The Snakes took three of four from the Pebbles, and believe it or not are tied for the lead in the West. They?re 23-16, tied with the Padres. I was all prepared to make suck jokes about them, and here they are in first place. Troy Glaus already has 11 homers, so there?s part of the answer.
When:
Tuesday, May 17, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN-HD
Wednesday, May 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN-HD
Thursday, May 19, 7:05 p.m. ? FSN-HD
MLB Extra Innings ? We?ll get the Fox Southwest broadcast for all three games. Also, this week I?m starting a self-serving new feature ?
How Many Games I?ve Missed This Season Because of the Stupid Fucking Blackout Rule ? Three. Stay tuned and watch this number skyrocket as we play West Coast teams. I?ll probably miss at least a couple games in this series.
Where: MMPUS
Tuesday is ?K? card giveaway day. And with Oswalt and Vazquez pitching, you better grab some extras.
Projected Matchups
Javier Vazquez (4-2, 4.41) v. Roy Oswalt (4-4, 4.02)
Vazquez is 2-3 against the Astros, but Biggio and Berkman are a combined 8-for-39 against him. However, Vizcaino is 6-for-10 against Vazquez, so maybe Viz is the answer for Vaz. And just because it?s interesting ? Jeff Bagwell is 1-for-17 against Vazquez, but the one hit was a homer.
Oswalt has lost three of his last four starts, though he hasn?t gotten a lot of run support. Luckily one of those games was against the Cubs. Oswalt?s 3-0 against the Diamondbacks with a 1.23 ERA; current Snakes go 11-for-53 against him. Russ Ortiz has a homer against Roy, but he doesn?t pitch until tomorrow.
Russ Ortiz (3-2, 4.91) v. Andy Pettitte (2-4, 3.29)
Speaking of Ortiz, he?s 5-2 against the Astros. Biggio has a couple of homers against him, and Ensberg is 3-for-9 with a homer. Berkman is 4-for-17 (.235).
Andy is 1-1 against the Snakes. Watch out for Jose Cruz Jr. tonight, because he?s 15-for-37 (.405) against Pettitte, with a couple of homers. Troy Glaus also has a couple of homers off Pettitte, and Luis Gonzalez has one.
Brad Halsey (2-2, 3.88) v. Roger Clemens (3-1, 1.11)
Halsey started seven games for the Yankmes last year before going to the Snakes in the Randy Johnson deal. He also got suspended late last season for throwing at Red Sox. No one on the Astros has ever batted against him, so draw your own conclusions.
Clemens has won his last two starts, and he?s 1-0 against the Diamondbacks. None of the Snakes have ever done much against him, so if Roger can get a couple of RBIs off Halsey, he should be able to pull this one out. By the way, Clemens is 6-for-17 (.353) at the plate this season.
Key injuries:
Arizona ? Closer Brandon Lyon was held out of games this weekend because of mild tendonitis in his elbow. Troy Glaus is day-to-day with an elbow problem. Greg Aquino and Oscar Villarreal are on the 15-day DL.
Houston ? Jeff Bagwell is getting the rust and barnacles scraped out of his shoulder and might be back late this season. Or next season. Or never.
Jason Lane is day-to-day with a bruised foot. Pettitte is probable for this start. Also, Scrap Iron has had a relapse of the flu, so I guess everyone else will have it again soon. Shit. And I remember that during the vaccine clusterfuck last winter, the government said not to worry because this year?s flu was a pussy anyway. What?s inexcusable is that even John Franco got the flu; surely Medicare would have paid for his flu shot.
Other shit
? Here?s something I didn?t realize. According to the roster on the Astros? website, the two heaviest players on the team are Clemens (235) and Pettitte (225). All that experience must weigh them down. Or something.
? I can?t read the article because I don?t have ESPN Insider, but here?s the latest headline for Buster Olney: ?Watching batting practice brings back memories of Derek Bell, one of the greatest BP hitters ever.?
Of course that?s a typo. They meant ?DP?.
? Here?s how you know your team has gone to marketing hell and died. When they start putting prepositions and clauses into their goddamn names. It was bad enough with the Ballpark at Arlington, and the Barbecue Pit at Camden Yards, or whatever the fuck. But now the Angels have gone and named themselves the ridiculous ?Los Angeles Angels at Anaheim?. And since it?s California, the legislature got involved and is trying to fuck things up even more. They want to pass a law that has to do with teams that have geographic names that don?t reflect where they play a majority of their games, or some fucking thing.
How about a bill that says your team gets a city name and a mascot name, and your stadium gets two words, and that?s it. And all your marketing fuckwits can go get real jobs.
