By Craig the Bastard
For once in my life, I was glad Sunday that I had to watch the game on WGN, because I got to witness a technological miracle. When Mike Lamb wrapped Prior?s W around the right field foulpole, I clearly heard every TV set in Chicago change to another channel. Behold, the magic of television.
Adam Everett?s knockout punch on Prior was nice too, so maybe things are turning around. All that flu we got from the Brewers is getting old though. I wonder if it would be considered biological warfare to have Contagious Phil Garner stand in as first base coach and touch everyone on the opposing team as they go by. Hopefully Everett got to tag Michael Barrett a time or two this weekend also.
Willy Taveras shot three bears over the weekend, and luckily they were in season. Which is actually the best time to find them, because you hardly ever see them post-season.
When:
Monday, May 2, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
Tuesday, May 3, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
Wednesday, May 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
MLB Extra Innings ? We?ll get the Fox Southwest broadcast for all three games. About time we got some more games on MLBEI. There were so many commercials for boner pills on WGN this weekend, my cat got a stiffy. And he doesn?t have any balls. Watching a Cubs series is like a three-day-long vienna sausage fest.
And speaking of dumbass WGN, here?s how they made fun of the Astros fan who threw back the homer Friday:
Cubs Announcer: ?Duh! Der! Look at me! I caught a valuable homerun ball in a Clemens-Maddux match-up, and I threw it back! I am so smart! A-hyuk!?
Other Cubs Announcer: ?Yeah, and what a weak throw. A Cubs fan would have thrown it all the way to the infield.?
Where: MMPUS
Hey look, it?s the Pirates. It?s like we haven?t seen them in ? oh, it must be days. Daryle Ward is now leading the Bucs in homers with four. Two of those came Sunday against the Giants. Let?s hope he?s not going on a rip, or there might be a new upper deck record in right field. The Pirates are starting a 10-game road trip in Houston, where they?ve lost 19 of the last 21 times they?ve played. There?s actually talk of a curse on their website, so we should do everything we can to encourage that. We should give them something truly legendary to stun their psyches, like a towering Jason Lane homer through Drayton?s window. Or maybe the Algonquin Flu.*
Yeah, that would be a tale they could spread throughout the league.
Projected Matchups
Josh Fogg (1-1, 2.45) v. Andy Pettitte (1-2, 3.45)
Fogg is making his first start after missing two games because of an ear infection. He?s 3-4 against the Astros, with an ERA above 5. Mike Lamb is 7-for-17 against him, so maybe Clank will get another start. Oh, and thanks for the grand slam. It stopped a frothy stream of WGN Cubbie bullshit directly in mid-spew. Viz could have a good day today if he plays, but don?t expect much from Biggio or Bagwell.
Pettitte got no run support last time he faced the Pirates, which was last week. Ann Wilson is 3-for-8 against Andy with a homer, and Matt Lawton has two homers in 43 AB. Other than that, the current crop of Pirates hasn?t done much against him.
Kip Wells (2-3, 4.99) v. Ezequiel Astacio (0-3, 3.40 at Round Rock)
Wells is 3-5 against the Astros, with one of the wins coming last week. Bagwell has four hits against him in 20 AB, but two of them were homers. Ausmus is 7-for-19, but Mike Lamb is only 2-for-11.
I don?t know what to expect from Astacio, but at 6-3, 150, it?s probably safe to say he isn?t on the juice. He?s 0-3 at Round Rock this year so we?re starting him off against the Pirates. Sure would be nice if the bats could give the rookie a rousing welcome. Our bats, I mean.
Mark Redman (1-2, 2.78) v. Roger Clemens (1-1, 1.03)
Redman?s on his fifth team in five years, coming over from the A?s in the Jason Kendall trade. He won 14 games two years ago for the Marlins, and 11 last year for the A?s. Craig Biggio has never faced him, and Bagwell is 0-for-4. Brad Ausmus is 2-for-7 against him.
Clemens is 3-0 against the Pirates, but that was before the current era where he?s responsible for his own run support. All the current Pirates combined are 19-for-106 (.179) against the Rocket. The lone homer came from Matt Lawton (5-for-36).
Key injuries:
Pittsburgh ? Benito Santiago says he?s ready to come back from a viral infection, and the Pirates? medical staff says he isn?t. So I don?t know. Jose Castillo is rehabbing in Indianapolis. I went to Indianapolis two years ago and the entire downtown smelled like an ass.
Houston ? Roy Oswalt sprained his big toe in Sunday?s game. He was trying to stick it up Michael Barrett?s ass, but got unbalanced and accidentally stepped on the ground. Lance Berkman is hobbling around Round Rock, and Brad Lidge is still coughing up lungbutter.
Other shit
? I read that Texas A&M cloned a horse. Now watch Texas Tech close a horse?s ass and point it at College Station.**
? OK, so I?ve bitched before about the stupid graphics and flashy shit that Fox and other networks throw on the screen. But one thing that?s got me hooked is the little graphic of a diamond that shows where the baserunners are. It?s handy when I?m only half-assed watching a game (which is always). Once in a while on Extra Innings I?ll get a shitty local feed (coughpittsburghcough) that doesn?t have the graphics, and I?m fucking lost. My radio-listening elders would think I?m a total pussy.
? My wife said I could tell this story because it has a dumbass Yankees fan in it. She was on a plane from Dallas back to Las Vegas the other day, and some asshole with a Yankees cap was sitting in front of her. Yankee Cap also has a squalling baby in one arm, and another kid who was being a pain in the ass. The pain in the ass keeps turning around and staring at my wife, opening and closing her window shade, and even untying her shoes. And the baby never stops bawling. So the plane lands, and Yankee Cap stands up, and he smacks the squalling baby?s head on the underside of the luggage compartment. Finally the plane goes quiet, and someone mutters, ?NOW you knock it out.?
* In the Algonquin language, Milwaukee means ?the good land.?
** or let it coach basketball.
