Cincinnati Reds Series Preview
The BasicsWhat: Astros/Reds 3 Game series
When: Friday, April 8th at 7:05, FSSW
Saturday, April 9th at 6:05, MLB.TV
Sunday, April 10th at 1:05, FSSW
Where: MMPUS
The Pitching MatchupsGame 1 Roger Clemens versus Ramon Ortiz
Game 2 Brandon Backe versus Paul Wilson
Game 3 Roy Oswalt versus Brandon Claussen
Reds UpdateThe Reds are coming in after sweeping the Mets (how?s that taste, Mole-man?) including the patented Kansas City faggot hopping scene at home plate after Randa jerked a Braden Looper offering into the left field stands for a walk off homer on Opening Day. They?ve won by out-slugging the Mets in Games 1 and 2 and then received some strong pitching performances in Game 3. Well, strong by everyone but Tackleberry whose line is now 4 hits, 2 walks, 2 outs. Amazingly enough, Junior Griffey is not on the DL, though I should remind everyone that the season is just 4 days old.
Astros UpdateThe good guys split a pair with the Fuckin? Jakes. The common thread between the 2 games should be no surprise?good starting pitching (Oswalt pitched better than his numbers would indicate), good relief work by the guys you are counting on (Wheeler, Qualls, Lidge), and suspect hitting until Lance Berkman gets back. Ensberg had about as bad of a game as possible on Tuesday, and came back the next day with a proper 3 for 3 day at the plate. Biggio and Tavares are off to fine starts, while Hobbs is still looking for his first MLB hit.
Damn if Pettitte didn?t look good out there. If the Astros are to have a shot they need 180+ innings from Andy.
Ten Questions 1)
Hey, what the fuck is this? This isn?t the Series Preview I?m used to??? Correct, I?m going to try a few different structures to see which one I like best. As Gunny Highway once growled, ?overcome, adapt, improvise?. The same old shit that worked backed then is tiresome. Tear off the rearview mirrors Baby, we ain?t ever lookin? back!!!
2)
Where are your season previews, shitbag? Good question?they are done I just haven?t actually typed them yet. I?ll get to them soon. Maybe.
3)
Why isn?t Lamb starting at 3B? Did you see that clutch triple? Mike Lamb owns you!!! I agree. If I?m Garner I go with a strict platoon at 3B until Clank?s iron glove falls off.
4)
How many Hall of Famers are going to be on the field this weekend? Four?Clemens, Biggio, Bagwell, and Griffey. I think Dunn/Oswalt will be excellent players over the next 10 years, but I don?t see either of them as HOF type players.
5)
Is there anything nastier than Cincinnati chili? Did you really melt some chocolate into a pile of James Coney Island?s Chili Pasta last year when the Reds were playing the Cubs? No. Yes. My colon sued me for neglect this winter. I thought I was going to win the case for sure but the colon found an obscure ruling in the case of Liver vs. Keith Whitley and I had to pay punitive damages to the tune of regularly scheduled colonics at The Urban Retreat.
6)
Is Paul Wilson going to get out of the first inning this time? Yeah, he?ll survive the first but the Reds pitching staff ?sucks the sweat off a dead man?s balls?. If the Astros don?t score at least 20 runs this series, you better hope Berkman comes back full of piss, vinegar, and undetectable HGH or else it?ll be a long season. When Paul Wilson and Eric Milton are far and away your best options, you suck.
7)
Which Astros player is going to have the biggest series? Oswalt. His career ERA versus the Reds is just a shade over 3.00 in 75+ innings pitched (that seems high, I would have thought it was lower?note to self: check this out). Roy is going to put up 7 innings of shut out ball, unless Jason LaRue starts squibbling balls up the 3B line again. Career OPS against for Oswalt and selected Reds: Casey (514), Dunn (710), Kearns (511), LaRue (702), Griffey (321). Only D?Angelo ?Better than Soriano? Jimenez has hit Roy worth a shit (899).
How will Backe do on Saturday? Got a bad feeling about Backe this year. I don?t think he?ll be anywhere near the pitcher he was down the stretch last year. I see him losing his spot in the rotation by mid-June. Look for Duckworth and Astacio to man the #4 and #5 spots from then on. Would have loved to see the Count flip Backe into something else this offseason.
9)
How much longer will the Luke Scott experiment last? I say you stick with him until Berkman is ready. Lets see what he can do. Besides, I like have OP coming off the bench.
10)
When is Craig back? He?ll be back for the Mets series. He?s promised to have nothing but links to pictures of Anna Benson sucking on lollipops and eating bananas. Can you imagine having that skank as your Mom?
Five Random Thoughts1) Rockets are going to be the #7 seed in the NBA playoffs and will lose in 5 games to the Spurs. No one in Houston will really care.
2) Sin City is a decent movie, with the Marv arc clearly the best. However, the chick factor in Sin City may be the highest of all time. Jessica Alba in chaps, a topless Karen Sisco, Brittany Murphy, a couple hot blonds who I?ve never heard of before nor will ever hear from again, the daughter from Gilmore Girls all dressed up like a hooker, Rosario Dawson in fishnets, some Asian chick with a thing for swords, and more.
3) Why aren?t there any great names in sports anymore? I miss the days of I.M. Hipp.
4) I?ve recently done a 180 on my thoughts regarding Nick and Jessica, the Newlyweds. At first I couldn?t understand the appeal behind them. Two talentless shlubs getting married and allowing a camera to follow their every move. Sure, Jessica is fun to look at with the Worrell Button on, but you hear her voice and the dumb shit she says, and it just wipes out any positive feelings you can have towards her. However, now I realize the true beauty of the show. The true beauty of the show is Nick?s very slow realization of ?Awww fuck, I?m stuck with this dumb bitch forever?. You?d think the tuna fish/?Chicken of the Sea? thing would be the first hint, or the $700 bras and panties, or the ?chop of the pork? comment. But no, it is the accumulated sum of everything that has finally allowed Nick to see the light. Its fun to watch old episodes and see where he is on the Realization Scale. Oh, here he thinks its funny when she burns toast and fucks up dinner. Must be an early one. Here he is a little annoyed with the $1400 sheets. Oh, here?s where they?re packing up the house and he comes across the $1400 sheets again (looking like they?ve never been used) and the little amusing smile is gone.
5) One of my fantasy teams is sucking ass thanks to my ?closers?. Hoffman got pounded for 4 runs in less than an inning. Wickman got pounded for 4 runs in less than an inning. Cordero and Hawkins each allowed a run in 1 inning. And Bazelton got shelled for about 3 runs in an inning. Totally wiping out nice starts from Beckett, Sheets and Milwood.
3 Topics for TZ Discussion1) The ?Way Back? machine has been fixed. You can undo any one move in Astros history?the Morgan trade, the Caminiti/Finley trade, not protecting Abreu, not protecting Santana, not re-signing Ryan. Which move do you undo and why?
2) Worst seats at MMPUS? Crawford Boxes? Field Box seats down the right field line under the over-hang so you can?t see the big screen? Bullpen boxes? Discuss.
3) All Time Reds team:
C?Bench
1B?Perez
2B?Morgan
SS?Larkin
3B?Rose
OF?Foster
OF?Pinson
OF?Robinson
SP?Eppa Rixey
Anyone I miss?
