Astros vs Nationals (August 6 -9, 2012) Series PreviewNOTICE--Persons attempting to find a motive in this Series Preview will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
Introductory NonsenseLongtime Houstonians may remember this. Back in the late 70’s and early-to-mid 80’s, Houston had 2 rock stations on the radio—KLOL 101.1 and KSRR 97 Rock FM. The #1 morning show was Moby and Matthews on 97 Rock. This would have been from about 81-85, if a quick internet search is to be believed. Moby either moved to Dallas when the station became top 40, or he moved to Dallas, the ratings tanked, and the station switched formats. I don’t recall. Anyway, Houston was down to 1 rock station by 1988 when KLOL announced that Moby was coming back to Houston radio, this time in the afternoon. KLOL had Stevens & Pruitt in the morning, with Dana Steele in the mid day, leading up to Moby coming back at 3:00. 16 year old Foghorn was stoked!!!
They had a contest before he came back. Guess what song he would play first and you could win a trip to Hawaii. Hell, that easy. I recalled he was a fan of Aerosmith and what better song than “Back in the Saddle”. So I submitted an entry and eagerly awaited his first day back. Sure enough, he played “Back in the Saddle”. Visions of Hawaii danced in my head (hot hulu chicks in grass skirts!!! 16-year old Foghorn had wild imaginations about what would happen in the islands). Turned out, about 1500 people submitted “Back in the Saddle” and I didn’t get dick.
Well, now its my turn to make a triumphant (ha!) return to the Series Preview and to Spikes and Stars in general. It only seems fitting that we crank up a little “Back in the Saddle” to get things going. Actually, scratch that. Seems that over the past 10 years or so I have lost all affinity for anything Steven Tyler or Aerosmith related. Can’t stand any of their songs. Wouldn’t waste a squirt of piss if they were on fire standing next to me. Actually find myself feeling that way with a lot of the old KSRR and KLOL bands. Van Halen….fuck ‘em. Hagar. Roth. Cherone. Fuck every one of them. Only song I can half way stomach from them is Unchained. Ozzy? Wish the bat he chewed on had rabies and killed the fucker at the height of his popularity. He and his worthless family helped usher in this reality tv crap. His last good CD was Diary of a Mad Man. That was 30 years ago. Rush…respect the musicianship but hate the music. I’d rather listen to the sound of my testicles getting punctured than hear Geddy Lee try to hit the high notes in Closer to the Heart.
However, there is one late 70’s/early 80’s rock band I still like and still listen to. And wouldn’t you know, one of there songs is appropriate for this Series Preview. So…let’s begin. {Cue to the muffled rhythmic guitar intro…6 times, then pause for 2 beats….then start the famous intro…}
Back in black
I hit the sack
I’ve been gone too long I’m glad to be back
Yes I’m, let loose
From the noose
That’s kept me hanging about
I keep looking at the sky
Cause its getting me high
Forget the hearse cause I never die
I got…9 lives
Cat’s eys
Using every one cause I’m running wild
And I’m back (x4)
Back in Black
Yes I’m Back in Black
What’s up Astros Fans? How does a 2nd straight year of sucking feel? Actually, it feels damn sweet. I love this year. I’ve enjoyed this season more than just about any season in a long time. Why? Because Drayton McKeck is gone. Jesus H Christ, praise the lord!!!!
Now that The Grocer is long gone, things can start turning around. Though he did manage to stick it in up our back side one last time, leaving us with a shitty team, a shitty farm system, and a move to the fuckin’ AL. What a cock suck. Worse than John McMullen!!! Yeah, I said it. Lemme say it again.
WORSE THAN JOHN MCMULLEN!!!!!
Someone had to say it. Don’t care about the record or any of the playoff successes. Fuck that. Someone else did the hard work…he got the glory. He rode the coat tails of work done prior to his buying the team. Astros acquired Bagwell and Biggio before his time, and they were the heart of our championship teams. The cock sucker didn’t want to spend the money to sign Berkman outta Rice. The Hun had to talk him into it. Venezuela Academy…started before McNeck. Harris County voters built him a stadium and gave him a sweetheart lease.
So as a brief parting shot to Drayton McLane, let me just say this (channeling the great David Naughton from Hot Dog…the Movie):
“Hey Drayton! You can kiss my ass. Not on zis side, or on zhat side, but right in zee middle!”
Now that we’re done with the pleasantries, let’s make our way to….
What’s on tap?Coming off a weekend trip in Atlanta, where apparently the video board guy got a little jab in on the Astros (per a Levine tweet, something about “can’t spell Disastrous without Astro” or something). The boys may be thirsty in Atlanta, and there is beer in Texarkana, but those chodes can drink fuckin’ Billy Beer for all I care. Not going to miss playing those assholes on a yearly basis. Will really miss the loser Brave fans who used to show up at the Dome/MMPUS. I’ll miss those fuckers like I’d miss jock itch, my first kidney stone, and Mama’s Family. Unfortunately, they’ll be replaced with Yankee and Red Sox fans. Guido, the Mooch, Sully and Murph. Not even a better class of asshole. Can’t. Fuckin’. Wait.
The NL East leading Nationals are in town for 4 games. As always, Astros.com has all the news you need to know. Here’s the link
http://houston.astros.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2012_08_06_wasmlb_houmlb_1&mode=preview&vkey=preview_web_home&c_id=hou What intrigues me about he Nationals is how lucky they’ve been. They managed to have the worst teams at the exact right time. They suck real bad and they get the #1 overall pick. Just so happens the greatest college pitcher since…forever…was available. Stephen Strausburg…come on down. Suck ass again, and get the #1 overall pick for a second time. Just so happens the greatest high school hitter since…forever…was available. Bryce Harper…come on down.
Compare that to the Astros. Carlos Correa and (presumably) Mark Appel. Its not just sucking really bad, its sucking really bad at the exact right time. When/if the Nationals ever do something worth a shit, remember that luck had as much to do with it than anything else. Taking nothing away from the other good players they’ve developed (Zimmerman and Zimmerman) or traded for (Gio Gonzales) but when in about 10 years when we look back at the Nationals, Harper and Strausburg are going to be their version of Bagwell/Biggio.
Hey, Houston area fans. School is about to start up. Football season is about to start up. Attendance is only going to get worse from here on in. Let’s all try to get to at least one more game this year. Not as a group, just you and your friends/family. Let’s get our asses in the stadium, buy a couple of beers, and let Jim Crane know we understand the situation. We’ll take our lumps. We’ll take the move to the AL. Because one day, our youngsters will hit their prime, and when we’re one player away and need Crane to open his checkbook, I want him to remember we supported him when we had a middle of the road AAA team for 2 years. MMPUS is still a fine place to watch a game, even though they have something against silence. Do we really need some noise and stupid tom foolery between every innings or pitching changes? Sometimes, less is more. Let us enjoy the sounds of the ball park.
How Foghorn spent the 2012 SeasonAbsolutely love
www.milb.com. Can’t live without it. Before going to bed each night, I do a quick check of how the kids in the minors are doing. Check out Corpus to see what Singleton is up to. Lancaster has George Springer and (as I was pleasantly surprised to see) Domingo Santana who is having a great season. Lexington? Can probably count on seeing Delino DeShields Jr. stealing a base or two. He’s having a strong season. Love, love, love it. And once he signed, I have enjoyed looking at Nolan Fontana’s progression. Anytime you are rocking an OBP near .500, you got my attention.
I never had a clear understanding of Short Season A Ball or the Rookie Leagues, until this year. Tri City has been awesome, with likely League MVP Andrew Alpin leading the league in both OPS and SBs. Several pitchers there have crazy K/BB ratios to go along with solid ERA and WHIP numbers. Greenville has been the D’andre Toney watch for me. Was hoping to see a bit more from him in 2012, but given that we only gave up Quintero and Burgois, how good could he be? And the GCL Astros with McCuellars (now at Greenville), Ruiz, and Correa? Am always excited to check out those box scores. Question for the group—I take in the GCL doesn’t play games on Sundays? Why not?
Anyway, I became a more knowledgable fan this year. Had to bone up on the rules of the draft. Had to learn the minor leagues. Had to put in some time on the ‘net searching things out. But I’m a better fan for it.
All in all….I had a pretty fun year in 2012.
What’s on Foggy’s mind(1) So, have you heard about the porn stars in Miami giving away free blow jobs? A couple of Miami-based valtrex-laced skanks said that if the Heat win the NBA title, they’d give away a ton of free hummers to anyone who would show up (provided they bring along an STD test, wear a condom, and agree to be filmed for the DVD that is soon to be released). #TeamBJ for you folks on Twitter. Seriously. Un-freaking-believable.
There are a couple of pole dancers who will do the same thing here in Houston if the Astros win 5 more road games this season.
(2) We are living in the golden age of television right now. In particular, television drama. Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Justified, Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, Homeland. All kick much, much ass. I can’t put into words how much I love Mad Men. The writing on that show is stunning. Matthew Weiner is up there with Aaron Sorkin (loved the Social Network script, and Sports Night and early West Wing were awesome) and the Davids (Milch, Simon, and Chase) as the best television writers of all time.
In fact, I would argue that for the most part, television is better than film these days. Yes, I am excited to see Daniel Day Lewis in Spielberg’s Abraham Lincoln and Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master looks awesome. But the amount of depth that the tv shows can go into that the movies can’t. I loved the Battle of Helm’s Deep in The Two Towers but the Battle of Blackwater in Game of Thrones was just as much to watch.
For the record, I’ve done my best not to litter Game of Thrones quotes throughout this entire review. No “Winter is Coming”. No “I will take my crown. I will pay the iron price”. No “stick them with the pointy end”. Not even “a Lannister pays his debts”.
Have to say that while Tyrion has most of the best lines, my favorite character is probably Arya (Arry/Weasel/Cat/whatever 50 other names she goes by). SPOILER FOR THOSE WHO HAVE ONLY SEEN THE TV SHOW AND NOT READ THE BOOKS. I am trying to figure out how she rejoins the main narrative. I’m assuming she will be sent to assassinate someone. I also imagine she’ll meet up again with Jaquen H’ghar at some point. Have always felt that she is the one who needs to kill Littlefinger, as he is one of the main instigators of the entire war(s). Arya kills Littlefinger and reconciles with Sansa before returning to the House of Black and White awaiting her next job.
(3) The Olympics are on. I’ll watch swimming. I’ll watch Usain Bolt. But I have no desire to watch the Dream Team 2012. No desire to watch the gymnastics. Can’t say I would watch a round of boxing, though it would be interesting to watch a guy get knocked down 6 times in a fight and still be declared the winner. Amateur athletics is rotten to the core.
Well, that’s about it for me. Thanks to Dark Star for reaching out to me. This Series Preview isn’t coming together as I had hoped, but its been fun for me to write. Hope you enjoyed it as well. I held back on the f bombs, and I don’t think I called anyone a Mother Fucker. I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of the rest, because they are going to try an sivilize me and I can’t stand it. I been there before.
