6th Annual Alkie NYC Update Post

[Alkie]

...and you said you didn't want to read any more of these!   Pshaw.

- My parents are in town this weekend for the first time, so we tried to take them around to do as many things that they would enjoy as we could in a 2 day period.   This morning, we took them down to the Village for some food and to walk around Washington Square Park (you know, it was in that movie.  The one about NY.  Or that took place in NY.   That one.).   Just as we got off the subway in the Village, my mother decided she needed to go to the bathroom.   She went into a fast food place and then an Italian grocery and when it became clear that any place would want her to buy something to use the bathroom, she decided to use the restrooms in the custom dildo store.   I wish this story wasn't true.

- My new favorite phrase from an East Side dog-in-purse sunglasses-indoors more-money-than-sense cunt: "I can't date someone who fills out a 1040 EZ."

- You know how you can say something and it can be misconstrued and then Mr. Farley ends up in your apartment thinking your mother in law wants to ask him out and it's just the big misunderstanding?   I overheard something on the train this week that has pretty much one meaning.   I want to cover your chest hair in cum.

- I'm at the corner of 34th Street and 5th Ave.   A woman runs up to me and wants to know how to get to 35th and 6th Ave.   It's a very difficult town to navigate.

- I'm sitting in a restaurant at the end of our block when I see this giant redneck fucktard walking toward us.   He's losing his hair up top, is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and has one of those ridiculous fucking Goose Gossage mustaches.   Yeah, it turns out it's because it was Goose Gossage.   He lives a block down from us.  My apologies, Mr. Goose.

- You know about our MLB Exec neighbor.   What I just found out today is the 93 year old man who lives across the hall from me was one of 6 people in the room who planned the Normandy Invasion.   That one.   No shit.

- I watched a man get on the subway last week.   He has blood and vomit streaming from his mouth.   Streaming.   Mouth.   He sits down.   Wipes his mouth with his hand.   And gives the pole a solid handjob from bottom to top, leaving a stream of bloody vomit.   I have washed my hands 18 times a day for the last 6 days.

- Isn't opening up a luxury car lot in Manhattan a lot like opening a parka store in Miami?

- "Aren't you that guy...?"   Yes.   $500 per autograph.

- Sitting in the park, right next to NYU.   Almost every album you've ever heard was written, produced, practiced, or about that neighborhood.   So what are the hippies playing on the radio?   Pink Floyd.   Really?   Really really?  Music comes from this zip code, and you all are listening to a 40 year old album?

- Anyone else here ever wonder what a handjob on a subway train would be like?   No?   Hm.

- Manhattan is 60% women.   And something insane like 70% of Manhattan is single.   And you all made fun of me.

- We're at Katz Deli for the second time, this time because my mother in law really wants to try it.   I try to talk her out of it to no avail.  We go in, it takes us a solid 20 minutes to find the right fucking counter to order our food at.   After 40 minutes, in an empty Katz's, we finally get our really mediocre breakfast.   My 6 year old daughter, who has only been a New Yorker for 8 weeks, says "you know daddy, I could have gotten us our food faster."   Oh yeah, I ask her, how is that?   "I would have gone up to the counter and looked at that man and said LISTEN FUCKOS, GIMME MY BREAKFAST."    I've never been prouder.

- We've had four sets of visitors now.  At the end of each trip, I ask our guests if they found New York to be fast, rude, scary, intimidating, dangerous, or dirty.    Not one.   I thought Houston had a bullshit reputation.   It's not even close to NYC.   Maybe this was an awful awful place in 1975.   I'd seriously let my 6 year old take the subway up to her school alone without thinking twice.   

- True story.   I ran into that actress again that I had previously jerked off to.   This time she seemed to remember me for some reason.  She seemed very surprised that I made it past the doorman.  It's amazing where $20 and a cinderblock will get you.

[Ebby Calvin]

...when it became clear that any place would want her to buy something to use the bathroom, she decided to use the restrooms in the custom dildo store.

So she bought something?

[Alkie]

Yes.

I'll try to write the jokes a little clearer next time.

My bad.

[MusicMan]

Yes.

I'll try to write the jokes a little clearer next time.

My bad.

Oh, sure.  "My mom" did it.  Just like "I have a friend with this problem..."

[rifraft]

- You know about our MLB Exec neighbor.   What I just found out today is the 93 year old man who lives across the hall from me was one of 6 people in the room who planned the Normandy Invasion.   That one.   No shit.

First, let me say, I don't know why the fuck I read this shit, I guess its b/c I live so far from you and can't understand the world you now live in.

Second, when are you going to talk to the 93 y/o and tell us what he says?  If you don't do that, I'll make sure you lose access to SnS, and specifically the game zone.

[Fredia]

finally someone else lives in a world no one understands. i no longer feel so alone

[JackAstro]

I overheard something on the train this week that has pretty much one meaning.  I want to cover your chest hair in cum.

I watched a man get on the subway last week.   He has blood and vomit streaming from his mouth.   Streaming.   Mouth.   He sits down.   Wipes his mouth with his hand.   And gives the pole a solid handjob from bottom to top, leaving a stream of bloody vomit.

I'd seriously let my 6 year old take the subway up to her school alone without thinking twice.

I sense that we may have very different approaches to parenting.

[Matt]

Does a handjob on the subway look anything like a handjob outside a pachinko parlor in the dead of a Tokyo winter?  I've seen that before and it was AWESOME!

[Gizzmonic]

I sense that we may have very different approaches to parenting.

You want to keep your kids from hanging out with Blood/Vomit Handjob Guy?  You can't shield them from life forever, JA!

[Alkie]

I sense that we may have very different approaches to parenting.

In fairness, the bloody vomit guy was in midtown and the chesthair cum guy was on the east side.

We have a surprising lack of shocking lunacy in the West mid-80s.   Just enough to keep it NYC, but not enough to make me wonder if we made the right decision.

[Alkie]

First, let me say, I don't know why the fuck I read this shit, I guess its b/c I live so far from you and can't understand the world you now live in.

I totally don't believe you.   What NYC do you live in?

Second, when are you going to talk to the 93 y/o and tell us what he says?  If you don't do that, I'll make sure you lose access to SnS, and specifically the game zone.

Oh, I've talked to him.   He wanted to know what I did for a living, I told him, he said "so you're not in financial services, but financial services services."   Then he told me he used to be a judge and an atty and mentioned he always wished he had my terrace (I'm not kidding.  Which of course made me feel a lot better).   

Frankly, I'm not sure I want to ask him about the Normandy thing.   That seems like an invitation to a 3 hour story from a 93 year old about the way things used to be.   

[Alkie]

Does a handjob on the subway look anything like a handjob outside a pachinko parlor in the dead of a Tokyo winter?  I've seen that before and it was AWESOME!

Then I'm asking the next hottie with sexy hands tomorrow how she feels about it.

See, here's my thinking...if you're a hot single woman who moved to NYC, you must be willing to give a handjob on a subway.   And do a line of coke off my furry pucker for a job in the industry.

[juliogotay]

I totally don't believe you.   What NYC do you live in?

Oh, I've talked to him.   He wanted to know what I did for a living, I told him, he said "so you're not in financial services, but financial services services."   Then he told me he used to be a judge and an atty and mentioned he always wished he had my terrace (I'm not kidding.  Which of course made me feel a lot better).   

Frankly, I'm not sure I want to ask him about the Normandy thing.   That seems like an invitation to a 3 hour story from a 93 year old about the way things used to be.   

Truth be known, he'd probably rather not talk about it. (the Normandy thing).

[Alkie]

Truth be known, he'd probably rather not talk about it. (the Normandy thing).

Seeing as how he just got a free month in Paris courtesy of Sarkozy himself and was awarded the highest French honor for a non-citizen, with Obama in attendance on stage with him, I bet he'd be thrilled to sit you down on his knee and tell you ALLLLLLL about it.

I saw him showing his French medal to the doorman the night he came back from Paris.

[jonbloozy]

Seeing as how he just got a free month in Paris courtesy of Sarkozy himself and was awarded the highest French honor for a non-citizen, with Obama in attendance on stage with him, I bet he'd be thrilled to sit you down on his knee and tell you ALLLLLLL about it.

I saw him showing his French medal to the doorman the night he came back from Paris.

Man, who does this guy think he is?  He needs to get over himself.

[Alkie]

Man, who does this guy think he is?  He needs to get over himself.

I actually said that to him.   He snapped my arm off at the elbow and then made change.   

[rifraft]

I actually said that to him.   He snapped my arm off at the elbow and then made change.   

93 y/o bad ass, he could fuck Chuck Norris up!

btw-on the train on the way to work this morning, i was standing next to slightly grungy looking guy, but man, the b.o. from this guy made my eyes water, that's at 7:30 in the fucking morning, i was wondering all day how bad he was going to smell at 5 pm.  i didn't see him on his way back to his rat hole in the afternoon, (un)fortunately.

[Alkie]

Man.

Today, after work, I stood in the 7 Cave (the bottom of Grand Central, waiting for the 7), where it's a trillion degrees with no air circulation.   I take the 7, dripping wet, looking forward to sitting on the B or C home in pleasant air conditioning. 

Get on the C.

The air is out.

THAT.  Was the longest train ride ever so far.   FUCK those people smelled bad.

[Guinness]

Yeah but it was only 7 minutes, right?

[chuck]

Man.

Today, after work, I stood in the 7 Cave (the bottom of Grand Central, waiting for the 7), where it's a trillion degrees with no air circulation.   I take the 7, dripping wet, looking forward to sitting on the B or C home in pleasant air conditioning. 

Get on the C.

The air is out.

THAT.  Was the longest train ride ever so far.   FUCK those people smelled bad.

Why the hell did you take that route?

[Bench]

Why the hell did you take that route?

I was wondering the same thing.

[L.I. Bill]

At the end of each trip, I ask our guests if they found New York to be fast, rude, scary, intimidating, dangerous, or dirty.    Not one.   I thought Houston had a bullshit reputation.   It's not even close to NYC.   Maybe this was an awful awful place in 1975.   I'd seriously let my 6 year old take the subway up to her school alone without thinking twice.

Even at its worst NYC's crime rep was always somewhat overblown as you need to take the sheer volume of the city into consideration -- but yeah, it was pretty bad in the late-'70s/early '80s. 
Still had its good points of course, but the bad was chasing a lot of people out to the point where the population was down to its lowest point since prior to the immigration boom of the teens & '20s.  By the '90s it had rebounded to the point where NYC added the equivalent of San Francisco onto itself during the decade.

Still, on a per capita basis I'm not sure it ever was the worst and at this point it may be the safest large city in the country. 
Plus Manhattan real estate has become so valuable these days due to the influx of people that the high-crime/low-rent areas have largely been pushed out to the fringe areas of the outer boroughs.

Not that it'll stop the Letterman jokes, but that's all part of the fun.

[Alkie]

Why the hell did you take that route?

Leaving work I usually take the 6 to the 7 to the B.   If the D is there, I'll take that to Columbus Circle and then transfer to the first local that shows up.

Either way, I'm in TheCave til the 7 shows up.

How would you like me to go?

[Alkie]

I was wondering the same thing.

Ok, you too, then.   What route would you LIKE me to take?

The 6 to the crosstown bus?  Have you waited for the M86 during evening rush?   

[chuck]

Leaving work I usually take the 6 to the 7 to the B.   If the D is there, I'll take that to Columbus Circle and then transfer to the first local that shows up.

Either way, I'm in TheCave til the 7 shows up.

How would you like me to go?

You must have changed offices.

Anyway, if you must follow the route you describe I'd take the S and pretend that I'm in the French Connection.

[Alkie]

You must have changed offices.

Yep, two weeks ago.

Anyway, if you must follow the route you describe I'd take the S and pretend that I'm in the French Connection.

You like the S more than the 7?   I'll try it tomorrow.  It's just easier to grab the 7.  Even if my nickname is Popeye.

[chuck]

Yep, two weeks ago.

You like the S more than the 7?   I'll try it tomorrow.  It's just easier to grab the 7.  Even if my nickname is Popeye.

You ever pick you feet in Poughkeepsie? Ya got into town, sat down on the edge of the bed, took off your shoes and socks and picked your feet! Didn't ya!? DIDN'T YA?!

[Bench]

Ok, you too, then.   What route would you LIKE me to take?

The 6 to the crosstown bus?  Have you waited for the M86 during evening rush?   

The office move confused me too, but I also endorse taking the S.

[Alkie]

The office move confused me too, but I also endorse taking the S.

Interesting.   Does it run as often? 

I really don't mind taking the 7.  It's closer to where I get off the 6, usually shows up in a minute or two, and is completely empty.

Why is the S better?

[Alkie]

You'll love this, by the way, I'm about to move AGAIN.

Nomad Pikie Alkie.

The company I've been renting from since the beginning is awful.   They had this all inclusive deal where we got phone and internet right?   Only problem is, yesterday was our third straight day without phones.  And who can I call and yell at?  No one, of course.

So fuck it.  I'm moving back to a real adult-style office where I pay for my own phones and internet and have someone I can yell at.

[Bench]

Interesting.   Does it run as often? 

I really don't mind taking the 7.  It's closer to where I get off the 6, usually shows up in a minute or two, and is completely empty.

Why is the S better?

The S runs slightly more often, and doesn't stop at 5th Ave.

[Alkie]

The S runs slightly more often, and doesn't stop at 5th Ave.

So much for that.  I get off at 5th.

[Limey]

The office move confused me too, but I also endorse taking the S.

"Alkie riding the S-Train" just sounds wrong.

[MusicMan]

So much for that.  I get off at 5th.

Think about baseball, maybe you'll make it another couple of blocks.

[Alkie]

Think about baseball, maybe you'll make it another couple of blocks.

You go down as far as I do just to GET to the 7 train and tell me you don't get off at 5th.

[Bench]

So much for that.  I get off at 5th.

Just because you know where you need to go doesn't make you the know all end all of your commute.

[Navin R Johnson]

I am currently in NYC, upper West Side (89th).   Any suggestions for where to catch the Astros Cubs game this afternoon?   

You do take requests, right?

[Alkie]

I am currently in NYC, upper West Side (89th).   Any suggestions for where to catch the Astros Cubs game this afternoon? 

 

Fuck you doing on the UWS on 89th?

You do take requests, right?

Of course.

I honestly don't know the sports bars yet since we just watch sports at home for now, but I hear Blondie's at 79th and Bway (between Bway and Amsterdam) will put on multiple games at once.   Which will be helpful since the steM are playing at the same time.

[Navin R Johnson]

 

Fuck you doing on the UWS on 89th?

Of course.

I honestly don't know the sports bars yet since we just watch sports at home for now, but I hear Blondie's at 79th and Bway (between Bway and Amsterdam) will put on multiple games at once.   Which will be helpful since the steM are playing at the same time.

Wife and I are up here visiting her best friend for the weekend.  She lives in a brownstone on 89th right near the Hudson.  

Thanks for the suggestion, I think we may check that out prior to wandering around the city.

[Navin R Johnson]

Just back from Blondies.   Thanks for the tip.   Bartendress was great, put the game on plus the sound.  So we got to listen to JD, which was the only thing enjoyable about the game, other than than the Harp.

[Limey]

Just back from Blondies.   Thanks for the tip.   Bartendress was great, put the game on plus the sound.  So we got to listen to JD, which was the only thing enjoyable about the game, other than than the Harp.

Harp gives me gout.  So do the Cubs.  Fuck the Cubs.

[Alkie]

Just back from Blondies.   Thanks for the tip.   Bartendress was great, put the game on plus the sound.  So we got to listen to JD, which was the only thing enjoyable about the game, other than than the Harp.

Nothing like hearing the blind tip you gave someone worked out.

Maybe someday I'll go see it for myself.

[Navin R Johnson]

And......Blondies is now out of business.   Sorry Alkie.   Went by tonight to catch the Astros and it was boarded up for not paying taxes.   Got pictures I will try to post later.   drunk now.

[Alkie]

And......Blondies is now out of business.   Sorry Alkie.   Went by tonight to catch the Astros and it was boarded up for not paying taxes.   Got pictures I will try to post later.   drunk now.

No motherfucking way, are you serious?

I would assume you were kidding but the exact same thing happened to a Mexican food place we ate dinner at 3 weeks ago and then showed up to 6 days later to try eating breakfast at.

[SaltyParker]

Those NY taxes must be getting as bad as we hear on the news.

[Alkie]

Those NY taxes must be getting as bad as we hear on the news.

I wouldn't know.   I "live" in New Braunfels and own a business in "Houston."   I just vacation a lot at our place in NYC.

[JackAstro]

I "live" in New Braunfels and own a business in "Houston."
[/quote]

Is that near Allenville?

[Andyzipp]

I "live" in New Braunfels and own a business in "Houston."


Is that near Allenville?

Which, as we all know, is in Detroit.

[Arky Vaughan]

I wouldn't know.   I "live" in New Braunfels and own a business in "Houston."   I just vacation a lot at our place in NYC.

This puts things in a new perspective. I'm glad we're still here to serve as your tax haven.

[MusicMan]

I wouldn't know.   I "live" in New Braunfels and own a business in "Houston."   I just vacation a lot at our place in NYC.

I hope you're not having to remit sales tax, or NY Revenue is going to be ALL up in your ass.  They've basically moved to a position of the individual/business having to prove they are not NY resident.

[Alkie]

I hope you're not having to remit sales tax, or NY Revenue is going to be ALL up in your ass.  They've basically moved to a position of the individual/business having to prove they are not NY resident.

Well, to be honest, all of this is actually legit.   All of our operations and all revenues are most certainly "earned" in Texas (no shit).   And since you asked, no, we manage to get out of sales tax in both states, praise be.

[Alkie]

This puts things in a new perspective. I'm glad we're still here to serve as your tax haven.

Me too.

Hell do you care?  I still pay my franchise tax in Texas.   Will nothing make you happy?

[MusicMan]

Well, to be honest, all of this is actually legit.   All of our operations and all revenues are most certainly "earned" in Texas (no shit).   And since you asked, no, we manage to get out of sales tax in both states, praise be.

Cool - I know you know your shit.

[Alkie]

Cool - I know you know your shit.

I love it when you talk nerdy to me.

Use more sarcasm.

Right there.

[Reuben]

I honestly don't know the sports bars yet since we just watch sports at home for now, but I hear Blondie's at 79th and Bway (between Bway and Amsterdam) will put on multiple games at once.   Which will be helpful since the steM are playing at the same time.

You ever go to McAleer's, on Amsterdam b/w 80th & 81st? Go there a lot with my softball team. They have multiple screens and are very amenable to game-viewing requests, but the best part is if you get two pitchers of the same beer you get a free plate of wings. Especially handy for post-softball game outings.