Who Else Is Tired of My Ass Being Fat?

[Alkie]

Seriously.

How does someone eat 4 meals a day and drink heavily without exercise and not look at goddamn repulsive as I do?

Little help here.

[94CougarGrad]

I'm impressed that you're carrying the weight in just your ass.



{/sarcasm}

It took me years to learn that it ain't all about "dieting". You gotta eat smartly and move your ass. I "dieted" and didn't move my ass, and it worked a little, but it worked even better when I started walking and doing yoga. Even low-impact shit helps.

[Andyzipp]

Seriously.

How does someone eat 4 meals a day and drink heavily without exercise and not look at goddamn repulsive as I do?

Little help here.

Excercise is for pussies.  Just stop eating.  Lots of skinny drunks in the world.

[Alkie]

Bah. 

I started moving my ass.

I get off a sub stop early just to walk extra.   One of these days I'm going to walk all the way to work.

Somehow an extra meal in NYC has meant more weight on than all the extra walking in NYC has meant weight off.

Next idea?

[Alkie]

Excercise is for pussies.  Just stop eating.  Lots of skinny drunks in the world.

But I'm hungry.

And the dude outside my window sells hot dogs and donuts.

[Andyzipp]

Or try bulimia.

[Alkie]

Or try bulimia.

I did.  At the Senegalese place next to my office.   Too much chili powder.

[Alkie]

So really, how do you heavy drinking four mealers keep so trim?

I've even tried regrowing my facial hair to lose weight and it doesn't seem to work.

[Savage]

Eating better isn't about denying yourself good food or drink, just thinking better about what and how you eat.  If I'm going to "waste" calories on alcohol, it's going to be good wine or beer.  If I'm going to eat greasy pizza, it's going to be the best damn pizza I can find and I'm going to have 1-2 slices, not 3-4.  If I need something sweet at the end of the night, it's going to be one of those luxurious dove ice cream miniatures rather than a snickers bar.  So fuck the dude outside selling shitty hot dogs and stale donuts and walk a couple extra blocks for an egg white omelette or whatever.  The best part about NY is that you have so many choices, so make better ones.

And take your dogs out for more walks.  They'll come to expect it out of you and chew your shoes if you don't get your exercise for the day.

[Alkie]

Eating better isn't about denying yourself good food or drink, just thinking better about what and how you eat.  If I'm going to "waste" calories on alcohol, it's going to be good wine or beer.  If I'm going to eat greasy pizza, it's going to be the best damn pizza I can find and I'm going to have 1-2 slices, not 3-4.  If I need something sweet at the end of the night, it's going to be one of those luxurious dove ice cream miniatures rather than a snickers bar.  So fuck the dude outside selling shitty hot dogs and stale donuts and walk a couple extra blocks for an egg white omelette or whatever.  The best part about NY is that you have so many choices, so make better ones.

And take your dogs out for more walks.  They'll come to expect it out of you and chew your shoes if you don't get your exercise for the day.

These are all horrible ideas and I'm ignoring you.

No calorie is wasted.

[Andyzipp]

These are all horrible ideas and I'm ignoring you.

No calorie is wasted.

Who was that nutjob?

[Alkie]

Who was that nutjob?

Dude.   Really.   I have no idea.

[BudGirl]

Dude.   Really.   I have no idea.

probably some crazy californian

[94CougarGrad]

Next idea?

Tapeworm?


It don't happen overnight. I get pissy about it too. Keep walking.

[Alkie]

Walking sounds dangerously like exercise.

Tapeworm might be a solid plan.

[Savage]

probably some crazy californian

Not a californian even though I live in LA.  My boobs are real.

[JaneDoe]

Not a californian even though I live in LA.  My boobs are real.

Has Seinfeld verified that?

[Bench]

It's really simple.  Have a solid breakfast everyday of complex carbs and protein (36 grams is a serving).  Likewise with lunch.  Add a protein snack twice a day, and have no carbs with dinner.  Hit weights three times a week and do an hour of cardio all four other days.  It's totally easy.

/lazy fat drunken bastard who does none of that.

[subnuclear]

Is gastric bypass surgery covered by your insurance?  As an alternate, you could hang around people fatter than you. 

[Duman]

Get a Wii Fit,  have it take your BMI and blow you mii up to realistic size.  Then have your 12 year old daughter who ways 90 pounds pretend to be you at the next weigh in.  Next time you log in,  you look delightfully anorexic.  It is a virtual lock to make you look thinner.  It worked for me.

[Alkie]

Get a Wii Fit,  have it take your BMI and blow you mii up to realistic size.  Then have your 12 year old daughter who ways 90 pounds pretend to be you at the next weigh in.  Next time you log in,  you look delightfully anorexic.  It is a virtual lock to make you look thinner.  It worked for me.

Of all the shitty suggestions here, this one is the most likely so far.

Good news is I now weigh 42 pounds this morning under the DumanPlan but my ass and chin(s) are still here.  Next idea?

[Andyzipp]

Of all the shitty suggestions here, this one is the most likely so far.

Good news is I now weigh 42 pounds this morning under the DumanPlan but my ass and chin(s) are still here.  Next idea?

Duct tape?

[lc_db]

Good news is I now weigh 42 pounds this morning under the DumanPlan but my ass and chin(s) are still here.  Next idea?

One of those wacky Fun HOuse mirrors?

[JimR]

i had my jaw broken once. teeth wired together for 4 weeks is an effective diet.

[Andyzipp]

i had my jaw broken once. teeth wired together for 4 weeks is an effective diet.

Yeah.  Also, I lost like 30 pounds when I was receiving radiation.  No exercise involved, other than toilet crunches.

[MikeyBoy]

i had my jaw broken once. teeth wired together for 4 weeks is an effective diet.

Any volunteers to break Alkie's jaw? I mean, it is for the good of his waist line.

[Andyzipp]

Any volunteers to break Alkie's jaw? I mean, it is for the good of his waist line.

There's a jawbone of an ass joke in here somewhere, but I'm tired.

So therey's a comedy pyramid for you to work on.

[Astros Fan in Big D]

To lose 1 pound you need to burn roughly 3500 Calories.  A very reasonable weight loss goal is to lose 1 pound per week.  So after doing some very high end math, we're left with needing to 'burn' 500 Cal each day.  If you really want to get fancy you can say 'create a Calorie deficit of 500'.  

Getting that 500 Cal is pretty simple: try to reduce your Caloric intake by 250 and increase your exercise by 250.

The reduction part has already been addressed.  Pass on the fries when you're having the cheeseburger, and don't get chips with your sub.  No snacking after dinner.  And minimize the calories you drink.  Its okay to have a full-out feast once in a while, just not everyday.  Its just 250 Cal a day you need to get rid of, so you don't have to go crazy.

As for the exercise, get a pedometer (good ones are avail for $30, decent ones for $5) and actually measure how much walking you do.  A good goal is 10,000 steps a day.

[Andyzipp]

Just may be me, but people giving Zach legitimate diet/exercise advice are missing the point.

[Alkie]

Just may be me, but people giving Zach legitimate diet/exercise advice are missing the point.

Who's Zach?

And really, tell me you don't think it's awesome that people are sitting down and spending real minutes of their lives giving me weight loss advice.

[Alkie]

Yeah.  Also, I lost like 30 pounds when I was receiving radiation.  No exercise involved, other than toilet crunches.

So if I get jaw cancer, you think I can lose the weight in no time?

Also, I've noticed that I lose weight the day of a migraine since I spend more time purging than binging (why does that not look like it's spelled right?).  So quick, someone stress me the fuck out.

[Andyzipp]

Who's Zach?

And really, tell me you don't think it's awesome that people are sitting down and spending real minutes of their lives giving me weight loss advice.

Excuse me, Sak.

[Andyzipp]

So if I get jaw cancer, you think I can lose the weight in no time?

I guarantee* it.

*The use of the term "guarantee" in no way promises or implies a guarantee.

[HudsonHawk]

Geez I can't believe all you knuckleheads.  The answer here is simple.  Light Beer.  A "regular" 12 ounce beer has about 150 calories.  A light beer has about 100.  Say you drink 10 beers a day.  By simply switching to light beer, you save 500 calories a day, 3,500 calories per week, which is roughly 1 pound.  So you can lose 1 pound per week, 52 pounds by this time next year, simply by drinking light beer.  Up your light beer consumption to 20 beers a day and you're skinny before you know it.

[Limey]

FWIW, I've dropped 43lbs since January, and the most exertion I have is launching a golf club into the air after a bad shot.  It helps to have a lot to lose, but this has been achieved by - mostly, but not religiously - avoiding fatty and/or fried foods and eating less.  I avoided beer for a while too - sticking to red wine and spirits - but I have since fed beer back into my diet.  Also, avoid eating when drunk.

I'm now at the point where I think I can go to the gym (actually, pool, I prefer to swim) without feeling completely out of place.  I also have to go clothes-shopping this weekend, as I don't own a pair of trousers that won't fall directly to the floor as soon as I undo my belt.  Luckily, Nordstrom's is having a sale (that don't make me gay, right?)

[Alkie]

Geez I can't believe all you knuckleheads.  The answer here is simple.  Light Beer.  A "regular" 12 ounce beer has about 150 calories.  A light beer has about 100.  Say you drink 10 beers a day.  By simply switching to light beer, you save 500 calories a day, 3,500 calories per week, which is roughly 1 pound.  So you can lose 1 pound per week, 52 pounds by this time next year, simply by drinking light beer.  Up your light beer consumption to 20 beers a day and you're skinny before you know it.

Consider it done.    Do they make Lite Belgian Strong Ales?   If so, your math gets even better.  Each one has something like 450 calories.  So if a lite version had 100 calories, I could actually lose the weight in about 4 hours.

[Alkie]

FWIW, I've dropped 43lbs since January, and the most exertion I have is launching a golf club into the air after a bad shot.  It helps to have a lot to lose, but this has been achieved by - mostly, but not religiously - avoiding fatty and/or fried foods and eating less.  I avoided beer for a while too - sticking to red wine and spirits - but I have since fed beer back into my diet.  Also, avoid eating when drunk.

Jesus, how big WERE you?  And I have to say, this is the most disturbing thing I've heard all day.   I already avoid fried foods and try to eat in moderation.   So fuck.

I'm now at the point where I think I can go to the gym (actually, pool, I prefer to swim) without feeling completely out of place.  I also have to go clothes-shopping this weekend, as I don't own a pair of trousers that won't fall directly to the floor as soon as I undo my belt.  Luckily, Nordstrom's is having a sale (that don't make me gay, right?)

No, the penis in your anus probably does, though.

[Limey]

Geez I can't believe all you knuckleheads.  The answer here is simple.  Light Beer.  A "regular" 12 ounce beer has about 150 calories.  A light beer has about 100.  Say you drink 10 beers a day.  By simply switching to light beer, you save 500 calories a day, 3,500 calories per week, which is roughly 1 pound.  So you can lose 1 pound per week, 52 pounds by this time next year, simply by drinking light beer.  Up your light beer consumption to 20 beers a day and you're skinny before you know it.

You may lose weight doing this, but you'll be perpetually sober and perpetually pissed off.

[Limey]

Jesus, how big WERE you?  And I have to say, this is the most disturbing thing I've heard all day.   I already avoid fried foods and try to eat in moderation.   So fuck.

Was 272.  Now 229.  If I can get to under 210, I'll be a happy man and celebrate with a six-week pizza and Stella binge.

No, the penis in your anus probably does, though.

Best put it back in my mouth, then, before anyone gets the wrong idea.

[Taras Bulba]

FWIW, I've dropped 43lbs since January, and the most exertion I have is launching a golf club into the air after a bad shot.  It helps to have a lot to lose, but this has been achieved by - mostly, but not religiously - avoiding fatty and/or fried foods and eating less.  I avoided beer for a while too - sticking to red wine and spirits - but I have since fed beer back into my diet.  Also, avoid eating when drunk.

I'm now at the point where I think I can go to the gym (actually, pool, I prefer to swim) without feeling completely out of place.  I also have to go clothes-shopping this weekend, as I don't own a pair of trousers that won't fall directly to the floor as soon as I undo my belt.  Luckily, Nordstrom's is having a sale (that don't make me gay, right?)

Intake is correct.  Exercise is great, but once you're past 30, it's 80/20 intake versus exercise.

[Fredia]

http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/107206/retailers-head-for-exits-in-detroit.html?mod=family-autos


move to detroit

[austro]

Intake is correct.  Exercise is great, but once you're past 30, it's 80/20 intake versus exercise.

These youngsters are in for a surprise when they pass the 4-0 and Mr. Metabolism takes a hike.

[Alkie]

Was 272.  Now 229.  If I can get to under 210, I'll be a happy man and celebrate with a six-week pizza and Stella binge.

Yeah, don't want the ladies getting jealous and killing each other over you.   272.   I'm impressed.  Both the upside and the downside.   That's a lot of work in both directions.

Best put it back in my mouth, then, before anyone gets the wrong idea.

I was going to write "beg me" but then I thought, you know I'm down with the homoerotic ironic jokes for shock sake, but even that one made me feel kind of like I was about to get a blowjob from a 272 pound British man.   And that's where I draw the line.  Bend over.

[Limey]

Intake is correct.  Exercise is great, but once you're past 30, it's 80/20 intake versus exercise.

For example, yesterday I missed breakfast (as usual), avoided the McD's sausage biscuits that someone kindly brought to the office (one of those will make you ooze grease for 3 days) but had a business lunch (The Palm).  I had a salad with vinaigrette, and the ahi tuna steak (medium rare, peppercorn crusted) with some steamed green beans.  All very tasty and pretty healthy stuff.

Also, it was "Wino Wednesday", where all bottles are half price, so I had a bottle and a half of Pinot Noir.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my job?

[JimR]

Just may be me, but people giving Zach legitimate diet/exercise advice are missing the point.

i know. some folks actually think it is a serious discussion.

[Alkie]

Intake is correct.  Exercise is great, but once you're past 30, it's 80/20 intake versus exercise.

Since breakfast was kind of a throwaway meal during the weeks anyway, I've gone to a strict Altoid and water breakfast.   This shit better work.  I'm not giving up alcohol and French food.

[Alkie]

i know. some folks actually think it is a serious discussion.

Who are those people and why are they here?

[MRaup]

Since breakfast was kind of a throwaway meal during the weeks anyway, I've gone to a strict Altoid and water breakfast.   This shit better work.  I'm not giving up alcohol and French food.

I found the alcohol and French food for breakfast diet to be vastly underwhelming. I found myself stumbling around a lot, and surrendering any time someone even looked at me threateningly.

On the plus side, I certainly looked snappy in my beret.

[Ebby Calvin]

Start smoking and/or chewing tobacco.  It'll cure that oral fixation (insert joke here), plus from what little I know about you, the social consequences of the habits might, in fact, make you more pleasant to be around.

Oh, and it's healthy. 

[Bench]

i know. some folks actually think it is a serious discussion.

I thought the phrase was "highly intelligent discussion."

[Alkie]

I found the alcohol and French food for breakfast diet to be vastly underwhelming. I found myself stumbling around a lot, and surrendering any time someone even looked at me threateningly.

Then you're doin' it wrong.

On the plus side, I certainly looked snappy in my beret.

Then you're doin' it wrong.

[JimR]

I thought the phrase was "highly intelligent discussion."

no, the highly intelligent discussions bash people, policies and countries.

[Alkie]

no, the highly intelligent discussions bash people, policies and countries.

Limey is a queer liberal Brit and we discussed all three of those things on this very page.

[Gizzmonic]

Dude I lost ten pounds and went down 3 utility belt sizes and here's how: get an iPod full of music that gets you totally pumped, then run around in circles and headbutt everything!

Let this be your pumpin' guide:

Electric Six - Formula 409 (featuring my hero and yours, Dick Valentine)

Joe Esposito - You're the Best Around

Push It To The Limit (Scarface) - Paul Engemann

Styx - Too Much Time On My Hands

Electric Light Orchestra Turn to stone.

Being truly pumped is the best one can be in life.  Good friend, good times, and total pumpitude!  It's the key to success!

[Alkie]

Dude I lost ten pounds and went down 3 utility belt sizes and here's how: get an iPod full of music that gets you totally pumped, then run around in circles and headbutt everything!

Bad news, bro.  All you did was damage your brain enough into thinking you were Canadian.  You're looking at kgs.   You haven't lost an ounce.

[Limey]

i know. some folks actually think it is a serious discussion.

The irony isn't lost on me that this is the the Beer and Queso forum.

[Gizzmonic]

The irony isn't lost on me that this is the the Beer and Queso forum.

This shit is *deadly* serious!  Look at that video for Formula 409 and tell me it ain't serious!  I will wrestle an aardvark with one hand tied behind my back to prove my seriousness!

[chuck]

Also, avoid eating when drunk.

So if you skip breakfast and get intoxicated at lunch you're down to one meal a day, which would have to be slimming. Ingenious.

[EasTexAstro]

Also, avoid eating when drunk.

So...don't eat?

[HudsonHawk]

So if you skip breakfast and get intoxicated at lunch you're down to one meal a day, which would have to be slimming. Ingenious.

You're assuming he loses his buzz by supper time. 

[chuck]

You're assuming he loses his buzz by supper time. 

If you're trying to lose weight then you really have to commit to it. If that requires a couple of highballs at happy hour to keep you away from the steam trays, so be it.

[MRaup]

If you're trying to lose weight then you really have to commit to it. If that requires a couple of highballs at happy hour to keep you away from the steam trays, so be it.

I can't figure out why I can't lose weight.

All I've been drinking is baconritas, I haven't had solid food in a month. This plan is bullshit.

[austro]

All I've been drinking is baconritas, I haven't had solid food in a month. This plan is bullshit.

Too much extra stuff in those. Cut back to bacontinis and you should be golden.

[Gizzmonic]

Too much extra stuff in those. Cut back to bacontinis and you should be golden.

And hey, throw a little NyQuil into those bacontinis and you'll sleep like a baby.  A baby who dreams of the delectable portions of the swine!

[Arky Vaughan]

Seriously.

How does someone eat 4 meals a day and drink heavily without exercise and not look at goddamn repulsive as I do?

Little help here.

Since you left town, I've lost 10 pounds.

[HudsonHawk]

Since you left town, I've lost 10 pounds.

Artie Lange would have a fucking field day with this one.

[Fredia]

but if he keeps his buz and forgets to eat... that might be the soulution.. someone quick wirte a diet book

buzzing your buns away

[Gizzmonic]

This is the perfect accessory for inspiring pumpitude!

[Billy Zabka]

Instead of drinking less, drink more.  Friday night, drink until you are lying face down in a pool of your own vomit.

You not only lose the calories from vomiting up everything you ate that day, but you are too sick to eat the next day.  Win-win.

[ferret]

Whadaya living in Tehran now and your Internet access is blocked?  I got, right now, siting in my email box, 14 sure fire offers for FAST! FAST! FAST! weight loss or my money is back.  Also, a  suggestion on "oHw to Maintain sexual Purity in Yoour Marriage", so that's covered too.  Honestly this is why the Internet was invented. 

[Limey]

So...don't eat?

Yup.

[Mr. Happy]

Excercise is for pussies.  Just stop eating.  Lots of skinny drunks in the world.

When I was still drinking, I was often known to say that I don't eat on an empty stomach. It took me a while to get this drunk and I'm not about to ruin it now with some food.

[Gizzmonic]

Wesley Willis says he's sorry that he got fat.