If you like feeling rage...

[JackAstro]

...then by all means, do read this. For their 2007 Astros preview, Deadspin found a writer who:
1) Is a Yankees fan
2) Is supposed to be an Astros fan
3) Writes like someone who is having fever-induced hallucination
4) Thinks Backe is in the starting rotation
5) Apparently believes that Bagwell played last year

Honestly, the list can just go on and on. Bonus points to anyone who can adequately capture the fuckeduppedness of this piece in fewer than 300 words. And if reading this from start to finish doesn't fill you with the overwhelming urge to put your fist through your monitor, well... I suppose I don't want to know you.

[Waldo]

Quote:
Whitney Pastorek is a staff writer at Entertainment Weekly

Stopped reading right there.

[VirtualBob]

Quote:
...then by all means, do read this. For their 2007 Astros preview, Deadspin found a writer who:
1) Is a Yankees fan
2) Is supposed to be an Astros fan
3) Writes like someone who is having fever-induced hallucination
4) Thinks Backe is in the starting rotation
5) Apparently believes that Bagwell played last year

Honestly, the list can just go on and on. Bonus points to anyone who can adequately capture the fuckeduppedness of this piece in fewer than 300 words. And if reading this from start to finish doesn't fill you with the overwhelming urge to put your fist through your monitor, well... I suppose I don't want to know you.

Yikes.  Does anyone know how to retroactively block an entire website??

[strosrays]

Quote:

Quote:
Whitney Pastorek is a staff writer at Entertainment Weekly

Stopped reading right there.

Thereby saving yourself further grief.

I made it partway through the first paragraph, not even getting to the Astros content (I'm taking JAs word there was some later on), but I am pissed off anyway.  It seems the divide between the sort of 'writing' style used for IMs and text messages and that used for formal reporting has been crossed, blurred, smudged right out of existence.

This is what blogging hath wrought, people.  Now any nitwit oblivious to sentence structure and with a tenuous at best grasp of syntax can be a real writer on the internet.  Which means that now, not only do you have to listen to this sort of gibberish from some bimbo at the next table in the restaurant, jabbering her way through dinner on her cell phone, now you have to read all about what she thinks, too.  

Fuck.

[homer]

This is such a steaming pile.

6 words.


From the comments (the author):

 

Quote:
Oh, yes. You're probably right. I wrote this at 4am and didn't do my research, and that's my bad.  

 

Quote:
sometimes I forget that other people don't live in my brain. for that, as well as being generally bad with facts, I apologize. luckily in my day job there are nice people who help me with that.

[strosrays]

Quote:
This is such a steaming pile.

6 words.


From the comments (the author):

 

Quote:
Oh, yes. You're probably right. I wrote this at 4am and didn't do my research, and that's my bad.  

 

Quote:
sometimes I forget that other people don't live in my brain. for that, as well as being generally bad with facts, I apologize. luckily in my day job there are nice people who help me with that.

Ah, yes.  

Acting even stupider than you already are in order to ingratiate yourself with men.  I've always found that to be such a HUGE turn-on.

[Jacksonian]

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:
Whitney Pastorek is a staff writer at Entertainment Weekly

Stopped reading right there.

Thereby saving yourself further grief.

I made it partway through the first paragraph, not even getting to the Astros content (I'm taking JAs word there was some later on), but I am pissed off anyway.  It seems the divide between the sort of 'writing' style used for IMs and text messages and that used for formal reporting has been crossed, blurred, smudged right out of existence.

This is what blogging hath wrought, people.  Now any nitwit oblivious to sentence structure and with a tenuous at best grasp of syntax can be a real writer on the internet.  Which means that now, not only do you have to listen to this sort of gibberish from some bimbo at the next table in the restaurant, jabbering her way through dinner on her cell phone, now you have to read all about what she thinks, too.  

Fuck.

Don't ruin my gig here.

[No? in Austin]

Quote:
Don't ruin my gig here.

Here I thought he was talking about me!  Bimbo and all.

[Houston]

If she were a fellow journalism student, I'd laugh at her. If I were her journalism professor, she'd fail my class.

This article could been written better with fewer words and more facts. One of the comments at the end called it "elegantly written." It's not elegant or coherent.

Wow... everything seems to be spinning. I think this article induced vertigo.

[JackAstro]

You are absolutely cheating yourself of some healthy anger release by not skipping ahead to the actual Astros content. I read it twice, then went into a meeting and punched 3 innocent people - two in the face, one in the windpipe. Now, no one wants to cross me, and delegation is quite straightforward. It's a very powerful feeling.

[BudGirl]

That chick has to have big boobs for anyone one to think there was any content in the "review."  I'm embarrassed that a woman wrote that crap.

[MusicMan]

Quote:
I'm embarrassed that a woman wrote that crap.

I'm embarrassed that a human wrote that crap.

[MusicMan]

Quote:
...then by all means, do read this. For their 2007 Astros preview, Deadspin found a writer who:
1) Is a Yankees fan
2) Is supposed to be an Astros fan
3) Writes like someone who is having fever-induced hallucination
4) Thinks Backe is in the starting rotation
5) Apparently believes that Bagwell played last year

Honestly, the list can just go on and on.

See... #4 I can *almost* forgive, as she states that they have three-fourths of Backe; I suppose that one-fourth remaining is his right arm.

#5 I can *nearly* understand; with Bagwell's offical retirement this offseason, you could make a case for it if the rest of the article weren't such an affront to intelligence.

But this... this takes the cake:

 

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I have hope that one of our prospects -- Albers, Gutierrez, Moehler or Sampson, perhaps -- may grow to stand tall as a tree.  

[strosrays]

Quote:

Quote:
Thereby saving yourself further grief.

I made it partway through the first paragraph, not even getting to the Astros content (I'm taking JAs word there was some later on), but I am pissed off anyway.  It seems the divide between the sort of 'writing' style used for IMs and text messages and that used for formal reporting has been crossed, blurred, smudged right out of existence.

This is what blogging hath wrought, people.  Now any nitwit oblivious to sentence structure and with a tenuous at best grasp of syntax can be a real writer on the internet.  Which means that now, not only do you have to listen to this sort of gibberish from some bimbo at the next table in the restaurant, jabbering her way through dinner on her cell phone, now you have to read all about what she thinks, too.  

Fuck.

Don't ruin my gig here.

No, no.  You're a good writer.

You write as least as well as Barzilla.  You're set.

[JackAstro]

Quote:
You write as least as well as Barzilla.  You're set.

Upper 2.9%, easily.

[Rebel Jew]

Quote:

Quote:
.
But this... this takes the cake:

 

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I have hope that one of our prospects -- Albers, Gutierrez, Moehler or Sampson, perhaps -- may grow to stand tall as a tree.  

the "may grow to stand tall as a tree" part of that sentence is way worthless than the factual problems.

also, all the idiots who praise her in the comments are just making it worse, furthering the delusion that she developed since her high school english teacher took a liking to her.

[MusicMan]

Quote:
No, no.  You're a good writer.

You write as least as well as Barzilla.  You're set.

Dude.. published writer.  

And curtsey when you say it.

[Bench]

She wrote the Texans preview before last season as well. I just assumed that mediocrity went hand in hand with the subject, rather than just the writer.

Guess I was way wrong on that one.

[pravata]

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:
.
But this... this takes the cake:

 

Quote:
I have hope that one of our prospects -- Albers, Gutierrez, Moehler or Sampson, perhaps -- may grow to stand tall as a tree.  

the "may grow to stand tall as a tree" part of that sentence is way worthless than the factual problems.

also, all the idiots who praise her in the comments are just making it worse, furthering the delusion that she developed since her high school english teacher took a liking to her.

This fatuous gabbling ninny is in desperate need of an editor with a cat o'nine tails, perhaps she has one in her day job.  "being generally bad with facts" Oh honey why would anyone need to be good with facts?  You've got an opinion, which beats facts with a stick.  It's all anyone needs today.  Any opinion is equal to any other.  Be proud of your cluelessness.  The only thing better is an opinion that has facts stapled to it in random patterns.  "Baseball for me is instead a collection of emotion-drenched memories, an overstuffed warehouse of symbolism and a field of dreams for the future that stretches out long and green and full of possibility."   Baseball as metaphor for whatever baggage we want to hang on it.  There's a game, the grass is green, it's happening right in front of you, watch the damn game

[Bob Sakamano]

 

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I remain unconvinced that our post-season moves have helped us all that much in this category, or that Carlos Lee isn't going to implode by June.

Thanks for all the evidence to support that ridiculous assertion. Talk about whining for the sake of whining. Ridiculous.

[Duman]

It is a flea market post.  Mostly junk with a surprise if your lucky.  I actually smiled at this line

 

Quote:
 Andy Pettitte heading back to his abusive ex-boyfriends up north

[EasTexAstro]

Shouldn't we do our duty and let them know Craig does a much better preview?

[JackAstro]

Quote:
Shouldn't we do our duty and let them know Craig does a much better preview?

And invite all the unwashed into our inbred clubhouse? Fuck no.

[strosrays]

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Quote:
Shouldn't we do our duty and let them know Craig does a much better preview?

And invite all the unwashed into our inbred clubhouse? Fuck no.

What'd be really cool is if Whitney Whatever is really just Craig in drag.

I mean, it could be.  Craig's a little off anyways (NTTAWWT), and has anyone ever seen this Whitney and Craig together?  NO.  Has Craig posted in this thread at all?  NO.

Right there, I've got as much factual basis for my theories as Oliver Stone did for JFK, which like 70% of the population believes was a documentary instead of an hallucination.

Maybe it was Craig and Woody Harrelson's dad on the grassy knoll?  Anyway, I now have a topic for my next blog entry.  See ya.

[MusicMan]

Quote:
Right there, I've got as much factual basis for my theories as Oliver Stone did for JFK, which like 70% of the population believes was a documentary instead of an hallucination.

Yeah, but he shot it at 4 am and didn't have time to do any research.

[Craig]

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:
Shouldn't we do our duty and let them know Craig does a much better preview?

And invite all the unwashed into our inbred clubhouse? Fuck no.

What'd be really cool is if Whitney Whatever is really just Craig in drag.

I mean, it could be.  Craig's a little off anyways (NTTAWWT), and has anyone ever seen this Whitney and Craig together?  NO.  Has Craig posted in this thread at all?  NO.

Right there, I've got as much factual basis for my theories as Oliver Stone did for JFK, which like 70% of the population believes was a documentary instead of an hallucination.

Maybe it was Craig and Woody Harrelson's dad on the grassy knoll?  Anyway, I now have a topic for my next blog entry.  See ya.

Alright, I guess I need to dispel this rumor before it gets out of hand. But there are some similarities between me and this gal. She hates the Mets, and she did use the word "stain." But every Astros fan hates the fucking Mets, and "stain" just probably flew indiscriminately out of her thesaurus, which she was humping while writing this preview. She probably got too excited and adjectives and adverbs just sprayed all over the damn place. (And once you spill adverbs on anything, you can never get the stain out. Especially not the kind of panties they wear at Entertainment Weekly.)

Also, she used more exclamation points in one paragraph than I will use in my entire life. That's her main problem, really. See, we both write utter bullshit with few facts to get in the way. It's harder to tell with my writing, because I say "shit" and "fuckwit" a lot, and you don't notice the lack of substance. But this gal cranks out a pretty, rainbow-colored turd, but then draws attention to it with exclamation points. "Look what I did! It's an Astro-turd! It's shaped like Craig Biggio's legendary bat! And sticky too! And it's red and black! OMG!!! The Astros are going to rock this year!!!"

Whereas in my previews, I just crap out something, throw it against the wall, and call it a Met.

[Limey]

Quote:
You've got an opinion, which beats facts with a stick.  It's all anyone needs today.  Any opinion is equal to any other.

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts."
  -- Daniel Patrick Moynihan

[TheWizard]

I love Deadspin, but I could not read that much being spewed from some entertainer "journalist" or whatever the label is.

[Foghorn]

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Oh honey why would anyone need to be good with facts?  

Not quite a home run, but at least a run-scoring double to the gap.  Verrah nice.

[pravata]

Quote:

Quote:
Oh honey why would anyone need to be good with facts?  

Not quite a home run, but at least a run-scoring double to the gap.  Verrah nice.

Like Scrap Iron said, don't try to yank it, just go up the middle and take what they give you.

[Gizzmonic]

The presumed-by-the-author-to-be-cutesy style is the real focus of the article.  The Astros, from Judge Hofheinz to Biggio's 3000th, exist and have existed merely as filler in a grand showcase of unique writing talent.  So obtuse it is!  Perhaps she used Google to translate the article into Japanese, then back to English.

[TangerineDream]

This is a near-perfect demonstration of the type of speech known as 'flight of ideas' displayed by those who suffer from schizophrenia. She meanders more than Ann Rice in the Lasher series of books. I had to stop reading; it made my head hurt and I got all dizzy.

[strosrays]

Quote:
This is a near-perfect demonstration of the type of speech known as 'flight of ideas' displayed by those who suffer from schizophrenia.

A solid diagnosis, no doubt.

On the other hand, it sort of reminds me of a brief craze amongst the high school literati after our first heavy exposure to the poetry of E.E. Cummings.  All of the sudden, people were stringing together unrelated words (in lower case, of course) all over a notebook page - different lines, different margins - and turning it in as "poetry."  I believe the thinking then was the key to the art was the structure itself.

Conversely, Cummings had only used the convoluted structures as a means to an end, a tool (well, most of the time) to better illuminate the art, if there would be any, that was in the words.  He built these spindly Erector sets of words on a page, often forsaking punctuation and conjunctions along with capitalization, and yet when he was "on", even the sparsest seemingly haphazard arrangement had a sort of terrible beauty to it, the near-perfect and evocative construction of words illuminated all the more by the way Cummings seemed to have thrown them all together, as if he hadn't given any of it a second thought.

But whether it "worked" or not, there was nothing haphazard about anything he did.  Once one got beyond the surface, it was easy to see Cummings put alot of thought into every space and indentation and collision and everything else that was in one of his poems.  Sometimes people get the idea that the art just comes to you, from out of the blue.  From what I have seen, it mostly comes from grinding day to day, hard work until suddenly something emerges you had no idea was coming, or where it was coming from.

What Cummings was doing was going about the work of creating art.  What my friends and I were doing was attempting to hide our lack of initiative and depth and understanding behind a silly affectation.  Maybe this Whitney person believes that if she makes her "stream of consciousness" style clever and/or obscure enough, no one will notice that she doesn't really seem to have much to say.

----------

So, for possible motivations behind Miss Whitney's writing "style", so far we have:

1.)  Schizophrenia

2.)  Affectation

3.)  ?

[Andyzipp]

Quote:


----------

So, for possible motivations behind Miss Whitney's writing "style", so far we have:

1.)  Schizophrenia

2.)  Affectation

3.)  ?

3.) She's a cunt.

[Col. Sphinx Drummond]

I tried to read that shit when this thread started. After the first couple of paragraphs I gave up, knowing that giving up would be the greater reward. Then yesterday, I tried again, just for the sake of being properly critical. Again, I was struck with apathy about 10 paragraphs in. Fuck her and her shitty writing. She's got nothing to say about the Astros. That's some fucked up writing in any format, well it might work in some typical "Entertainment Weakly" effluvia but totally uncalled for in a sports preview.

I commend those of you who probably had something beter to do and yet, undeterred by the insipid nuance-free vapidity, plodded your way through to the end.

[homer]

 

Quote:
So, for possible motivations behind Miss Whitney's writing "style", so far we have:

1.) Schizophrenia

2.) Affectation

3.) ?  

4.) Profit

[JackAstro]

Quote:
I commend those of you who probably had something beter to do and yet, undeterred by the insipid nuance-free vapidity, plodded your way through to the end.

It's really not commendable, but I did force myself to do it before sharing. And when I got to the end, and I thought back on the several minutes of my life that I was never going to get back, I realized that this must be what Pravata feels like. Every day. Over and over and over again. And I wondered... what the fuck is wrong with Pravata?