Everybody seems to wonder what it’s like down here
I gotta get away from this day-to-day running around,
Everybody knows this is nowhere.
My friends. My parents. My wife. Co-workers. Cousins. Collection agents. All of them, without exception, ask me the same question: Why do you keep watching this awful team? It’s a difficult question to answer, if you try to be honest. They expect the “I’ve always been an Astros fan” or “It’s still baseball” quips, but in truth it’s not all that. It can’t be. They really want to know what it’s like to follow such a historically inept team. Because they all jumped ship April 2nd.
The honest answer? It sucks. Big, hairy, sweaty, smelly, steamy, pimply donkey balls. What was once a nightly source of pride and excitement is now a black hole of disappointment and frustration. Even worse – I now expect the Astros to lose each and every game they play. And I’m right 68% of the time. It’s like throwing a heavy object in the air and saying aloud, “that will come down.” It’s neither prescient nor impressive. It just sucks.
The bullpen could implode. The offense could disappear. JA Happ could pitch. It’s the same shit, different pile. But if you stare at that steaming pile of shit long enough, look past the undigested corn bits and beer snakes, you’ll see something else. Hope.
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
Hope is all around, actually. There’s the hope you see in the field and in the batter’s box. Hope on the faces of the rookies who get called up unexpectedly. Hope in the new owner, his new management team. Hope that Pam won’t cock-block a legitimate baseball transaction. And the hope that these trades, these rookies, these fresh faces all pan out.
I know that by the time the Astros are in contention again my son will be watching alongside me, cheering for his team. I’m happy that his first jersey won’t have “Pence” stitched on the back. Instead, it’ll be Altuve or Singleton or Springer. A Cosart bobblehead. A Folty poster. A Wallace cheese grater.
When that happens, and it will dammit, I’ll be able to point back at the garbage-pail kids who played in the 2011 season and smile. And I’ll be able to talk about it with you idiots. We watched when the outcomes were predetermined. When excitement came from trading away the team’s best players. When youthful mishaps and errant base-running were discarded as aggressive play, growth pains. We were there for rock bottom. And we still watched.
The Astros, a team that crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. The Astros, headed for the Playoffs.
In 2015.
Astros vs Diamondbacks
The Diamondbacks are doing their best to keep pace with Jeff Keppinger and the Giants. They sit just a half game back in the standings, and you know they’re keying in on this series to take a step up.
Monday, 8:40pm, Poolside
Wandy Rodriguez (7-8, 3.69) vs. Daniel Hudson (11-7, 3.67)
Hudson is coming off an eight-inning, one-run outing vs Lincecum and the Giants last Tuesday, and he’s one of the bright young pitchers that’s emerged in MLB in the past year or so. He’s had limited exposure to the current Astros lineup, which doesn’t say much. He hasn’t pitched in the Texas League this year, so what can you expect? Of the few who have seen him, Angel leads the way with a 2/3 1 RBI performance. Carlos is the biggest goat at 1/6.
I can’t say much about Wandy that you don’t already know. He’s every bit as good of a pitcher as Hudson, but at this point he’s bringing a sciv to a nuclear war.
Tuesday, 8:40pm, Dry Heat
Jordan Lyles (1-6, 4.36) vs Jason Marquis (8-6, 4.33)
Marquis looks like a douch-ier Mark Cuban. He was a National until last week, and he celebrated joining a contending team by allowing seven runs in four innings last Wednesday. Current Astros hit him pretty well, with Carlos (.405, 4 hr, 13 rbi) and JasonM (.615, 1 hr, 4 RBI) paving the way. Barmes (0-11) and Angel (1-6) couldn’t hit a broad side of a black barn.
Lyles is fresh off of his first MLB win. The only Diamondback he’s faced is Jason Marquis, who’s 0-3. Process of elimination tells me Lyles still took the loss.
Wednesday, 8:40pm, Bullshit Time Zone
Brett Myers (3-12, 4.76) vs. Josh Collmenter (6-7, 3.58)
The Dodgers whooped up on Collmenter last Friday, tagging him for six runs in 2.1 innings. He’s lost his last three and could be pitching to stay in the rotation. I bet he’ll lock down that spot this week. The Astros, collectively, have two hits against him – by guys who are now in AAA (Wallace, Happ).
If you exclude Myers’ last start vs the Brewers (6 IP, 5 ER), he’s been pitching fairly well lately (3 or fewer runs in five games). There’s still a chance he’ll get traded this year, so he may be pitching to impress a contender.
Thursday, 8:40pm, Not-So-Getaway-Day
TBD (0-0, 0.00) vs Joe Saunders (8-9, 3.61)
Saunders has been pretty salty this year. In his last 10 games, he’s allowed more than three runs once – last week vs the Dodgers (4). Carlos knocks him around pretty well (.364, 1 RBI), nobody else has many at bats.
TBD sucks.
Promotions
Not a damn thing.
Injuries
Arizona – Blum (pinky), Castillo (shoulder) and Gutierrez (shoulder) are on the 15-day. Drew is out for the year for being an asshole who hits on my friend’s wife while he’s standing beside her.
Houston – Arias and Lyon are out for the year. Castro might be back for the death rattle. Del Rosario should be back at the end of August. New Astro Jordan Schafer is due August 20.
What to Watch For
Altuve, Martinez, Lyles, Barmes, Wandy, Shuck. Or for shits and giggles.