Dear Houston Chronicle:

[MusicMan]

 This is how to write a player profile.  Give background, link it to the present-day, provide the reader with the feeling that they have come to know the person.  Provide relevant quotes from the player and his teammate.

Plaese take whatever measures necessary to share this with the 1,000 monkeys at typewriters you have masquerading as columnists.

Sincerely,
The English-speaking world

[pravata]

Quote:
This is how to write a player profile.  Give background, link it to the present-day, provide the reader with the feeling that they have come to know the person.  Provide relevant quotes from the player and his teammate.

Plaese take whatever measures necessary to share this with the 1,000 monkeys at typewriters you have masquerading as columnists.

Sincerely,
The English-speaking world

Note also that not once does the person who wrote this cram their leering mug between the subject of the article and the reader.  Blissfully, we have no idea how many Build a Bears Berkman has sent to the writers' daughter.

[davek]

The Comicals "real" problem is that they don't have a columnist that knows Lance well enough to write that profile...

Not to mention they would never be able to get quotes from that many of his teammates...

Would be too much like work...

[Alkie]

They'll fire this guy in no time. He committed the unpardonable sin of conducting "actual research" instead of spending 3 hours sifting thru BBW porn, an hour eating a PopTart (Strawberry frosted), 2 hours masturbating (to the PopTart, not the porn), and then 4 minutes calling his source (likely a cousin) and verifying that his thoughts, ideas, and concerns constitute what Americans might call "a column."

[HurricaneDavid]

Quote:
spending 3 hours sifting thru BBW porn, an hour eating a PopTart (Strawberry frosted), 2 hours masturbating (to the PopTart, not the porn), and then 4 minutes calling his source (likely a cousin) and verifying that his thoughts, ideas, and concerns constitute what Americans might call "a column."

...and that's "Monday."

[MusicMan]

Quote:

Quote:
spending 3 hours sifting thru BBW porn, an hour eating a PopTart (Strawberry frosted), 2 hours masturbating (to the PopTart, not the porn), and then 4 minutes calling his source (likely a cousin) and verifying that his thoughts, ideas, and concerns constitute what Americans might call "a column."

...and that's "Monday."

Only for the overachievers.  For the rest, it's "July".

[Limey]

I think Al Swearengen said it best when he said "every fucking step an adventure".  Of course, he was talking about Jewel, but you get the point.

[Matt]

The best Al Swearingen moment was in season 2 when Jewel told him to stop dragging that fucking leg around. The look on his face was priceless.

[HudsonHawk]

Quote:
spending 3 hours sifting thru BBW porn,

Check

Quote:

 an hour eating a PopTart (Strawberry frosted),

Check

Quote:

 2 hours masturbating (to the PopTart, not the porn),

Check

Quote:

 and then 4 minutes calling his source (likely a cousin) and verifying that his thoughts

Damn.  I always miss *something*.  I guess I'm just not cut out to be a columnist.

[austro]

Quote:
2 hours masturbating (to the PopTart, not the porn),

Damn, these guys are pros.

[Limey]

Quote:
The best Al Swearingen moment was in season 2 when Jewel told him to stop dragging that fucking leg around. The look on his face was priceless.

Some of my favourite moments from Deadwood involve conversations between Al and Jewel.  In Season 2 (I think) there was a scene which had me in stitches in which Al took over from Jewel cleaning a blood stain off the floor, and asked her about Trixie.  Jewel said that Trixie's "pussy hurt" (Al had assaulted her "down there" the day before).  I know to non-afficionados, that all sounds rather strange, but it loses a lot in translation.  The mostly one-sided conversation was for the ages.

[UpTooLate]

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The best Al Swearingen moment was in season 2 when Jewel told him to stop dragging that fucking leg around. The look on his face was priceless.

Some of my favourite moments from Deadwood involve conversations between Al and Jewel.  In Season 2 (I think) there was a scene which had me in stitches in which Al took over from Jewel cleaning a blood stain off the floor, and asked her about Trixie.  Jewel said that Trixie's "pussy hurt" (Al had assaulted her "down there" the day before).  I know to non-afficionados, that all sounds rather strange, but it loses a lot in translation.  The mostly one-sided conversation was for the ages.

It was season 1.  And yes... it is the funniest 3 minutes of viewing ever transmitted through my television set.  That show kicks ass.  Two months ago I rented the entire season 2 at blockbuster.  Awesome.  So much better than waiting a week for the next episode.

[Limey]

Quote:
It was season 1.  And yes... it is the funniest 3 minutes of viewing ever transmitted through my television set.  That show kicks ass.  Two months ago I rented the entire season 2 at blockbuster.  Awesome.  So much better than waiting a week for the next episode.

I need to watch Season 1 again.  I remember being not a little confused after Episode 1, and watching it again might make more sense.

Also, the quote I posted elsewhere - "every fucking step an adventure" - was classic.  Al was just standing there looking irritated, and I just knew that a classic put-down was coming.

Lastly, Bullock's insides is nuclear reaction that's barely kept in check at the best of times.  But the short closing scene with him at the dinner table last night was superb.  I was cracking up watching him on the verge of an explosion of rage that would've made his pounding of E.B. look like the fish-slapping dance.

I love The Sopranos, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why it is going strong into season 9 or 10, and "Deadwood" was cancelled before Season 3 even hit the screen.  Deadwood is The Sopranos' evil twin.  The decision was made after Season 3 wrapped, so I'm fearful that we'll be left with some unresolved business and no 4th season to tie 'em up.  That, and no more fucking Deadwood!

It's getting worse treatment than "Six Feet Under"!  (Which I also liked but it decended into full-on daytime drama mode as soon as Nate's bird from Seattle showed up.)

[HudsonHawk]

Quote:

I love The Sopranos, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why it is going strong into season 9 or 10, and "Deadwood" was cancelled before Season 3 even hit the screen.  Deadwood is The Sopranos' evil twin.  The decision was made after Season 3 wrapped, so I'm fearful that we'll be left with some unresolved business and no 4th season to tie 'em up.  That, and no more fucking Deadwood!

And The Sopranos just turned to fuckin mush in the last few seasons.  Few shows have taken such a drastic nosedive.

[Limey]

Quote:
And The Sopranos just turned to fuckin mush in the last few seasons.  Few shows have taken such a drastic nosedive.

Right.  If it's blood, boobs and profanity you're looking for, it's Deadwood all the way.  When was the last time Tony actually did anything (other than beat on a hapless underling and then throw up)?  Last night, Swearengen beat a Pinkerton Captain to a pulp, repeatedly kicked him in the balls, broke numerous ribs and finally slit his throat.

[Taras Bulba]

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And The Sopranos just turned to fuckin mush in the last few seasons.  Few shows have taken such a drastic nosedive.

Right.  If it's blood, boobs and profanity you're looking for, it's Deadwood all the way.  When was the last time Tony actually did anything (other than beat on a hapless underling and then throw up)?  Last night, Swearengen beat a Pinkerton Captain to a pulp, repeatedly kicked him in the balls, broke numerous ribs and finally slit his throat.

I recall reading somewhere that Deadwood's creator was/is committed to another series, therefore, HBO made the decision to pull the plug.  Too bad.  FWIW, scenes between Swearingen and Woo, with numerous oaths of "Cocksucker!" are tough to beat.

"I'd like to get the ball scores a little more fucking prompt."

[ybbodeus]

His closing line in Sexy Beast..."Get out of the fucking car"...ends one of the most naturally tense scenes I've ever seen in a movie.  Ray Winstone is a terrific actor, but I'm convinved he might actually be scared there of Swearingen....errrrr....Ian's character in that scene.  Coldest look I can ever recall from a movie, save perhaps the one Kingsley shoots the devil underground as he takes a drag on his cigarette....excuse me, Limey.....pulls on his fag.

[Limey]

Quote:
I recall reading somewhere that Deadwood's creator was/is committed to another series, therefore, HBO made the decision to pull the plug.  Too bad.  FWIW, scenes between Swearingen and Woo, with numerous oaths of "Cocksucker!" are tough to beat.

"I'd like to get the ball scores a little more fucking prompt."

Whoever that is, they need to be grabbed by the ear and dragged off into a cell, not to be let out until Season 4 is on paper.

[JGrave]

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Quote:

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And The Sopranos just turned to fuckin mush in the last few seasons.  Few shows have taken such a drastic nosedive.

Right.  If it's blood, boobs and profanity you're looking for, it's Deadwood all the way.  When was the last time Tony actually did anything (other than beat on a hapless underling and then throw up)?  Last night, Swearengen beat a Pinkerton Captain to a pulp, repeatedly kicked him in the balls, broke numerous ribs and finally slit his throat.

I recall reading somewhere that Deadwood's creator was/is committed to another series, therefore, HBO made the decision to pull the plug.  Too bad.  FWIW, scenes between Swearingen and Woo, with numerous oaths of "Cocksucker!" are tough to beat.

"I'd like to get the ball scores a little more fucking prompt."

After the season, they are going to do two hour long episodes to tie everything up.  

The best was when Jewel gave Trixie a broach or something and Trixie asked her how she got the money for it and Jewel says, "I sold a piece of pussy."

[Limey]

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After the season, they are going to do two hour long episodes to tie everything up.

Excellent.  Not as good as a who new season, but I'll take what I can get.

Quote:
The best was when Jewel gave Trixie a broach or something and Trixie asked her how she got the money for it and Jewel says, "I sold a piece of pussy."

Nope.  Best Jewel line was when Al asked her why (the fuck) was she going to see the Doc.  "I'm knocked up!" was all she said.

[JGrave]

Quote:

Quote:
After the season, they are going to do two hour long episodes to tie everything up.

Excellent.  Not as good as a who new season, but I'll take what I can get.

Quote:
The best was when Jewel gave Trixie a broach or something and Trixie asked her how she got the money for it and Jewel says, "I sold a piece of pussy."

Nope.  Best Jewel line was when Al asked her why (the fuck) was she going to see the Doc.  "I'm knocked up!" was all she said.

I like Blasinov (sp?).  His character is pretty funny.  

This is probably my second favorite TV show of all time behind Miami Vice.  I wish it weren't going away.  The dialogue, acting and storyline are easily the best on TV.

[CJM]

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:
And The Sopranos just turned to fuckin mush in the last few seasons.  Few shows have taken such a drastic nosedive.

Right.  If it's blood, boobs and profanity you're looking for, it's Deadwood all the way.  When was the last time Tony actually did anything (other than beat on a hapless underling and then throw up)?  Last night, Swearengen beat a Pinkerton Captain to a pulp, repeatedly kicked him in the balls, broke numerous ribs and finally slit his throat.

I recall reading somewhere that Deadwood's creator was/is committed to another series, therefore, HBO made the decision to pull the plug.  Too bad.  FWIW, scenes between Swearingen and Woo, with numerous oaths of "Cocksucker!" are tough to beat.

"I'd like to get the ball scores a little more fucking prompt."

After the season, they are going to do two hour long episodes to tie everything up.  

The best was when Jewel gave Trixie a broach or something and Trixie asked her how she got the money for it and Jewel says, "I sold a piece of pussy."

The way the episodes are now, one day in Deadwood for each episode, will be gone for next year's mini-series.  Milch said he will be able to get more of the storylines that he wanted to tell into the 4th season this way.  They are looking forward to a May-June return for the movies next year- this according to a interview with McShane I read last week.

[Matt]

I had read they were making two 2 hour episodes to wrap it up.  So we's would the equivalent of 4 more episodes.

"God rest the souls of that poor family... and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes."

[astrojo]

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Quote:
After the season, they are going to do two hour long episodes to tie everything up.

Excellent.  Not as good as a who new season, but I'll take what I can get.

The Link

[CJM]

That's what I went by mini-series.  It will be 2 movies.  The thing that has me worried is what I mentioned in the earlier comment, the new movies won't be using a method that has worked so well for the show- the one show=one day in Deadwood.

[Limey]

Quote:
That's what I went by mini-series.  It will be 2 movies.  The thing that has me worried is what I mentioned in the earlier comment, the new movies won't be using a method that has worked so well for the show- the one show=one day in Deadwood.

AKA "Twenty-Fucking-Four".