By Craig Elliott
The Astros narrowly avoided a sweep at the hands of the Pirates, including an 18-inning travesty of justice that ended with the good guys swinging from the Gallo-ws. Houston is now a half-game behind Milwaukee, four behind the pimply-ass Reds, and 6.5 back of the fucking Jakes. With Reds and Redbirds on the schedule this week, now would be a good time for the Astros to turn this leaky ship around. Before it catches another broadside from the goddamn Pirates.
The Co-Ards just lost two of three to the Padres, despite spotting Mark Mulder a four-run lead Sunday. Albert Pujols has already been awarded the MVP and all batting titles for the year. Plus they built that new Holy Shrine to the Cardinals, which promises to be a stunningly overdone monument to self-importance in a red T-shirt.
When:
Monday, May 29, 3:15 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Tuesday, May 30, 7:10 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Wednesday, May 31, 12:10 p.m. CDT ? FSN, ESPN
MLB Extra Innings ? All three games will be on the Co-Ard affiliate. I'm guessing there may be just a little hero-worship going on. Just a little.
Where: New Jake City
The Jakes' website humbly proclaims: ?Welcome to Baseball Heaven.? And they were too modest to say it, but they always mentally add: ?Home of the Most Bestest Fans in Baseball, Where Tony Rules with a Wise Gentle Touch, and Love Falls From the Trees.?
Oh, and speaking of falling from the trees, that dead cardinal is still in my backyard. It's pretty much just bones and beak now, and a few tailfeathers. I'm thinking about keeping the tailfeathers until I decide the appropriate voodoo to work on them. I'll entertain suggestions.
Projected Matchups
Roy Oswalt (5-3, 3.36) v. Jason Marquis (6-4, 5.12)
Roy was looking great in his last outing until he wandered off the mound to ask the third-base umpire about the balk rule. He's 6-4 against the Jakes, including a win earlier this month when he went 8 innings and gave up 3 ER. But he's had two losses and two no-decisions since then.
Pujols bats .341 (15-for-44) against Roy, with 3 doubles and 2 homers. David Dickstain is 4-for-13 (.308) against him, and Gary Bennett is 2-for-6. Fat-Lip Edmonds is 10-for-38 (.263) with 1 homer and 15 strikeouts. We may not see Edmonds though because he's down with a case of the Gut Grenades.
Marquis is 5-3 against Houston, but 0-1 this year. He was the loser in the game Roy won a few weeks ago. Marquis lasted 5.2 innings and gave up 5 ER in that game. Current Astros have a whopping 226 AB against Marquis, with 67 hits for a .296 average. Berkman is 11-for-19 (.579) against him, so let's hope Lance is back today. He also has 2 doubles, a triple (!), a homer, 9 RBI, and 7 walks off Marquis.
Biggio is 10-for-29 (.345) against Marquis, with 3 doubles and a homer. Ensberg is 9-for-22 (.409) with 2 homers. Mike Lamb is only 1-for-12 but has a homer, and Preston Wilson is only 3-for-19.
Andy Pettitte (3-6, 5.76) v. Chris Carpenter (4-2, 2.63)
Pettitte got shelled again in his last start, giving up 7 ER in 3 innings. He had a win against the Co-Ards earlier this year, and is 2-1 against them overall. The Jakes' top hitter against Andy is Larry Bigbie, who's 11-for-14 (.786). Juan Encarnacion is 12-for-28 (.429), and Scott Spezio is 9-for-28 (.321). The Cards' only homer off Andy came from Scott Rolen. PooHoles is only 2-for-15 against Pettitte.
Carpenter may not make this start because of that inflamed sac he's had. He's 4-2 against Houston and 0-1 this year, but that was with a healthy sac. Craig Biggio is the Astros' best hitter against Carpenter at 9-for-25 (.360). Berkman is 5-for-18, and 4 of those 5 hits were homers.
If Carpenter can't make the start, Anthony Reyes will probably be called up to go in his place. No idea about his sac.
Taylor Buchholz (3-4, 5.57) v. Jeff Suppan (5-4, 5.12)
Buchholz got rammed, boarded, and plundered by the Pirates last week, giving up 9 runs in 3+ innings. And that was on the heels of a complete-game shutout against the Giants. This will be his first time to face the Jakes.
Suppan is only 2-6 against Houston in 9 appearances. However, the Astros' best hitter against him has been Jeff Bagwell. Berkman is 8-for-22 with 2 homers, and Adam Everett is 4-for-9 with a homer. Don't count on seeing Orlando Palmeiro today, as he's 0-for-17 against Suppan.
Key injuries:
Houston ? Backe and Bagwell are still on the DL. Berkman should be back for this series.
St. Louis ? Rick Ankiel and Ricardo Rincon are out. Chris Carpenter is questionable for his start this series. Jim Edmonds is questionable also. He has a ?lower abdominal infection,? also known as ?Diarrhedmonds.? In fact, the flu or something like it is going through the Cardinals' clubhouse. It's thought to be an unconfirmed outbreak of Redbird Flu.
Other shit
* Nice jinx Sunday by the Pittsburgh radio announcers. ?Just 6 more outs and the Pirates have their first sweep since June 2004!?
