Author Topic: The penis is mightier than the sword (Read 21476 times)

strosrays · « **on:** May 02, 2006, 03:05:43 pm »

My boss is on the road. I don?t have any meetings or anything else of importance scheduled. I have enough busywork/maintenance on my desk to keep me busy the rest of the day, but I am averse to that sort of thing in general.

In short, I?m bored. And the guy down the hall who keeps the stash of ?happy pills? in his desk isn?t here today, and his desk drawer is locked. I checked. In addition, my (self-diagnosed) adult onset ADD has kicked in. (There is a drainage ditch that runs past our offices, and since about 10:00 A.M. there has been a guy out there in this crane with a giant circular cutting blade on the end of the boom, taking down huge trees along the right-of-way and turning them into kindling. I watched that for about an hour and a half.)

So in order to amuse myself and pass the time, I decided to create a baseball team, where all the players were a combination, in name and trait, of real players past and present, and noted literary figures. You could as easily do this with actors, or musicians, or politicians, but this was what I started on, so...

This is what I have come up with so far.

Starting LHP ? Stephen Vincent Brunet. A crafty left-hander, he doesn?t throw hard or really excel at any one aspect of his craft, but he is pretty good at several. Piles up the innings pitched and finishes with a W-L a few games above .500, year after year. Dependable.

Center Field ? Tommie James Agee Nicknamed "Rufus." An enormously talented and prolific player, Agee was often used at leadoff though he was not ideally suited for it (he didn?t walk a whole lot, and struck out too much), though he was very fast, and showed consistent power. Every time he stepped on the field, he did something exciting. He was famous for his long, circuitous forays into the gaps to flag down drives, making catches that often seemed impossible at first; I think it was Bob Costas who originally dubbed those doomed long flies as "A Death In The Power Alley" (a designation later pathologically overused by Tim McCarver, among others.) Agee ran up big HR, runs scored, and SB totals for a few years, and people overlooked his flaws (low BA, the strikeouts.) But along with his gifts, he was very self-destructive; and his career, like his life, ended much too soon.

Right Field ? Theodore Reiser His career got off to a terrific start ? he won Rookie of the Year, and was expected to be a major talent for many years ? but his penchant for running headlong into outfield walls cut his greatness short, and cost him his place in the sun. An American tragedy, you might say.

Any contributions/additions are welcomed.

Limey · « **Reply #1 on:** May 02, 2006, 03:52:47 pm »

Are you sure the desk with the happy pills in it was locked?

WulawHorn · « **Reply #2 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:25:32 pm »

I don't understand the game. I guess I must not be in the top 3% after all.

Bench · « **Reply #3 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:27:42 pm »

Quote:

I don't understand the game. I guess I must not be in the top 3% after all.

I think Strosrays needs to provide an annotated edition.

homer · « **Reply #4 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:30:00 pm »

You mix names, and the associated traits of the name bearer to make a player.

Maybe a real dumb one will help:

Barry Holmes - He hit a lot of homeruns with his big bat.

Barry Bonds, John Holmes

mihoba · « **Reply #5 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:30:46 pm »

RHP James Baldwin, maybe?

A 6' 3" right-hander in the classic power-pitcher mode, Baldwin arrived in the big leagues with a knee-buckling curveball and a serviceable fastball that often fell flat at the wrong moments.

Damn, I'm bored too. Watching the afternoon Cubbie game will do that.

lc_db · « **Reply #7 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:38:38 pm »

Third Base/Outfield ? Magic Dick Allen

A reluctant superstar who could not only hit prodigious dingers, but also had the speed to in one game have two inside the park homeruns. Elected to avoid the limelight while constantly sparring with team/league management. Basically, he just wanted to play.

One offseason when asked his preferences he replied, "I'll play first, third, left. I'll play anywhere - except Philadelphia."

Foghorn · « **Reply #9 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:39:37 pm »

Take a baseball player, say Mark Davis--SD closer who somehow won a Cy Young with a killer curve ball who then signed a big free agent deal with the Royals and proceeded to turn to shit over night.

Take an author with a simmilar name, say Mark Twain--wrote Huck Finn amongst others.

You get Mark Davis Twain.

However, the tricky part is the player and the author have to have similar career paths. In this case, Davis after a great start turned to shit. Twain, on the other hand, kept on crnaking out solid efforts. So it doesn't really work.

Tough to really match a player and a author with similar names and career path.

Foghorn · « **Reply #11 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:48:47 pm »

Ernest Banks Hemingway--SS. Old man of the C(ubs). Hard charging, wanting the most out of life ("let's play two"), who left SS for 1B after he bid farewell to his arm strength. After hitting 500+ home runs yet never sniffing the playoffs, he hung up his cleats, knowing full well, for whom the bell tolled.

Andyzipp · « **Reply #12 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:49:46 pm »

So Roger Samuel Clemens would work better than Mark Davis Twain.

Col. Sphinx Drummond · « **Reply #14 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:55:46 pm »

Starting RHP - James Ellroy Face Hard boiled thrower, not afraid to get down and dirty. Looks bigger than he is. Has a game face. Looks like a ball player. Challenges hitters with a barrage of pitches all thrown from multiple arm slots. Comes out of left field. Likes games at dusk, uses shadows. Best pitch is the knuckler.

mihoba · « **Reply #15 on:** May 02, 2006, 04:56:25 pm »

1B Travis Harper Lee, famous for his ability To Kill a Fastball. Hides in seclusion after one big hit.

No? in Austin · « **Reply #18 on:** May 02, 2006, 05:52:45 pm »

RHP - Victor Hugo Bernal - pitched only one season, 1977, with the San Diego Padres. Alvin Dark, the Padres manager at the time said of the short lived career of Victor: "There is nothing like dream to create the future. Utopia today, flesh and blood tomorrow."

All Bernal was heard to say was "They gave me sanctuary!"

JimR · « **Reply #19 on:** May 02, 2006, 06:04:08 pm »

Shoeless Joe Kinsella: hard-hitting OF during the Golden Era of baseball who was prone to flights of fantasy. during the off season, he worked as a carpenter building baseball fields for rural town teams. unfortunately, his fantasy of being business partners with noted entrepreneur Arnold Rothstein led to his being banned from organized baseball for life.

strosrays · « **Reply #20 on:** May 02, 2006, 06:11:12 pm »

Closer - Billy Wagner (pronounced Vag-ner) Classic showy fireballer with a grating, atonal personality, Wagner was known for blowing away the helpless opposition and then suddenly, shockingly giving up the killing long ball, hence the nickname "Das Gas Kann". While pleasing at first, his routine, with all it's attendant sturm und drang, grew tiresome after awhile. Toward the end, fans could be heard mumbling "gotterdammerung" every time Wagner was called in to put down a rally, and a derisive song parody, Die Wagnure, began to circulate. After he finally left Houston, Wagner played on in a couple of other towns, out east. Doesn't matter which ones, really.

Bench · « **Reply #21 on:** May 02, 2006, 06:33:16 pm »

First base - L. Ron Mattingly. Played well early, and continued to gain noteriety. He had an entertaining style, and was particularly flashy with leather. Not as great as he thinks he is, however is supporters (usually from rich, arrogant, and myopically insane areas in which Baseball is found) for some reason think he's a god.

Foghorn · « **Reply #22 on:** May 02, 2006, 06:40:07 pm »

"Das Gas Kann"

Fucking b-e-a-utiful.

Craig · « **Reply #23 on:** May 02, 2006, 10:21:50 pm »

Ben Folds Sheets - Melancholy piano player whose first job was folding sheets at a Holiday Inn in Winston-Salem. Got his first break when lounge drunks booed Billy Joel off the piano for singing that masturbation song. Folds-Sheets got the piano gig for a few months and sang 900 moody break-up songs, before getting a haircut and breaking into the majors as a sub-.500 pitcher for the Brewers. Eventually grew his hair back, drank too much Miller, and ended up back at the Holiday Inn. Folding Sheets.

mr. owlook · « **Reply #24 on:** May 02, 2006, 11:22:54 pm »

C (Backup) - Chuck Lindstrom Toole - the epitome of the one hit wonder, he blazed briefly across the firmament recording a record slugging percentage of 3.000 in his single game in the bigs. "I just didn't have the mental toughness for pro ball," he said shortly before taking his own life.

NeilT · « **Reply #25 on:** May 02, 2006, 11:35:29 pm »

Herman ?Babe? Melville ? A whale of a player, and a whale of a man. Generally considered the greatest player of his era, and perhaps the greatest American player.

Jane Austen Yawkey -- Owner of the Boston Red Sox. While her teams often had great substance, they have been compared to stylish fairy tales in which realism was only present in the conversations, not the plot.

Ted Ernest Hemingway Williams -- Best known as a flyfisher, though he insisted that his characters fish with a McGinty, which is tied to resemble a bee. No flyfisher has ever claimed to catch a permit with a McGinty, except for Williams.

While it is arguable that Williams was the greatest hitter ever, his insistence that hitting required an uppercut caused many young hitters without Williams' great skill to produce poorly crafted, simple sentences. In truth, at his worst, he was even a parody of himself. He ended blowing his brains out in Sun Valley, Idaho, where they were freezed dried for later reconstitution.

Yogi Berra ? He was not a writer, but he wrote like one.

Lefty Grove Press ? a consistent producer of high quality works.

Bibb Faulkner -- legendary collegiate manager of the University of Yoknapatawpha Longhorns.

Plato ?Satchel? Paige -- played in the segregated Greek leagues until he was nearly 50, in which the players were compared to shadows flickering on the wall of a cave.

Sauly Bellow Koufax ? one of the greatest lefthanded pitchers and winner of the Nobel Prize for literature. His most famous character, Herzog, plead for confused understanding with memorable lines like ?what this country needs is a good 5 cent synthesis.?

I could do this all day. I guess that's not a good thing, is it? this thread should have been saved for Friday.

NeilT · « **Reply #26 on:** May 03, 2006, 12:08:04 am »

I almost forgot.

T.S. Eliot, Chicago Cub. "I have heard the fat ladies singing, each to each./Alas, they sing for me."

The Spleen · « **Reply #28 on:** May 03, 2006, 12:30:08 am »

Kaavya "Casey" Viswanathan
Super fast Rookie of the Year frontrunner
Strikes out a ton.. but when she gets aboard... the steal sign is ALWAYS on...

No? in Austin · « **Reply #29 on:** May 03, 2006, 12:47:26 am »

LF (for sure!) - Harold Douglas Adams - promising hitter, but only lasted one year (1969) with the Chicago White Sox. The first known British citizen to play in the majors, but that worked against him as teammates complained about not understanding a word he was saying. Not because of his accent, but because he talked in such circles it made the heads spin of half the team. When the news reached him that he was released, he was quoted as saying "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws." The young bat boy on the team, Brad Ausmus, was the only one who understood Douglas Adams' genius.

No? in Austin · « **Reply #30 on:** May 03, 2006, 12:57:37 am »

2B - Carlos "Aesops" Febles (work with me here). Often described as the veteran presence on the oft struggling Kansas City Royals baseball club. Known for imparting sage consul to other players during the stretching time prior to the game. "Slow and steady wins the race, fellas... slow and steady... means we're taking this division... yeah, I'm talkin here... slow and steady!"

NeilT · « **Reply #34 on:** May 03, 2006, 07:55:50 am »

I couldn't remember the exact quote. I heard the fat ladies singing was such a great line, though.

NeilT · « **Reply #35 on:** May 03, 2006, 08:16:02 am »

Gertrude "a rose is a rose is a" Rose played for the St Germain Reds, and was famous for singles on the grass, alas. Was ultimately banned from baseball because Rose was a woman, and a lesbian woman at that. The ban is highly controversial, though, particularly among lesbian gamblers who eat skyline chili. Rose should have been banned for the butch mullet she still wears.

lc_db · « **Reply #36 on:** May 03, 2006, 10:23:19 am »

Centerfield ? Torii Hunter Thompson

An outstanding fielder, Torii was widely known for his gonzo style of getting high over outfield walls taking away potential homeruns. His use of speed in the field and a cannon of an arm garnered him several Gold Glove awards. There is no truth to the rumors that the two I?s in his first name symbolize references to peyote buttons.

lc_db · « **Reply #37 on:** May 03, 2006, 11:02:12 am »

Pitcher-Catcher ? George Michael Barrett

A former first round pick, Barrett gave up going both ways early in his career and became a strict right handed hitter. A father figure in the locker room, he showed no faith during a 2004 confrontation with Astro pitcher Roy Oswalt after being whammed by fastball. Barrett is also known for his unfortunate arrest in 1998. While in a public restroom in a Beverly Hills city park, he was caught soliciting a male undercover police officer inquiring to ?Sand his Bat Handle?.

strosrays · « **Reply #39 on:** May 03, 2006, 11:10:19 am »

Setup Man Gabriel Garcia "Se?or Smoke" Lopez - Whether it was his exaggerrated endomorphic body type -- about 5' 10" and two-and-a-half bills, at least -- or the fact he could consistently "bring it" at 95 MPH, or a combination of the two, batters regarded Se?or Smoke and his pitching style as something akin to magical realism. His most well-known pitch was called "100 Miles Per Hour of Fuck You", and with it Lopez routinely put all the children to bed. After that, all that was left for the closer (Dave 'Surfer Joe' Smith in Houston) to do was turn out the light and close the door. Senor Smoke's biography, finished just prior to his death in Mexico, was titled Love In The Time Of The 1/2-Pound Burrito Supreme.

NeilT · « **Reply #40 on:** May 03, 2006, 11:13:59 am »

Designated Hitter Samuel Taylor Martinez Designated hitter and author of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

T. J. · « **Reply #41 on:** May 03, 2006, 11:33:02 am »

RHP Three-Finger Wise Brown

Universally known as the best closer of all time. When Wise Brown came into the game, everyone could say good night.

Ty in Tampa · « **Reply #42 on:** May 03, 2006, 11:37:54 am »

CF - Bernie Taupin Williams - A prolific yet low-key presence on many a championship New York Yankees team, he used his bat like a songwriter uses a pen to crank out hit after hit. He preferred to work behind the scenes though, letting the flamboyent frontmen like Jeter, Posada and Rivera hug the spotlight. While the lustre has long faded on the hit-making machine, Williams is quietly slowing down into what appears to be a quite comfortable retirement.

lc_db · « **Reply #43 on:** May 03, 2006, 11:41:47 am »

Middle Comic Relief ? Mike Cosgrove Kramer

A lanky, string bean of a left hander, Cosgrove was known more for his wild hairdo than for his unorthodox delivery. He drew the ire of his manager and pitching coaches for constantly arriving to games and meetings unannounced. His short lived baseball career was followed by several mis-guided business ventures, most notably a make-your-own pizza chain.

utastro · « **Reply #44 on:** May 03, 2006, 01:02:47 pm »

RHP - Kevin Dan Brown

This fireball pitcher was once known as an Astros killer. Now he is on a quest to decipher The Da Vinci Code.

HurricaneDavid · « **Reply #45 on:** May 03, 2006, 01:08:46 pm »

C - Tony Hillerman Eusebio - The biggest mystery of the southwest was how did he fit that ginormous ass into a pair of baseball pants?

JimR · « **Reply #46 on:** May 03, 2006, 01:18:32 pm »

Jim Tom Clancy--RH reliever for the Astros in the 70s. JT, as he was called, entered each game to the strains of "Stars and Stripes Forever" and insisted on being referred to as "The General." Clancy wore military garb at all times when he was not in his baseball uniform--camoflage in the clubhouse for home games and dress blues on the road. he flamed out spectacularly as a pitcher in Houston, in large part because the lines drives hit off him sounded much like an artillery barrage, and he became shell-shocked. JT disappeared suddenly after blowing a save one August night at the Dome, but it has been rumored that he is in Afghanistan searching for Bin Laden.

Astros Fan in SoCal · « **Reply #51 on:** May 03, 2006, 04:28:36 pm »

This made me tear up.

Third Base -- e. e. caminiti

e. e. cammy's
defunct
who used to
dive watersmooth-silver
across the line
and stab onetwothreefourfive line shotsjustlikethat
Jesus
he was a helluva third sacker
and what i want to know is
how do you like your coke-head boy
Mister Death

JimR · « **Reply #52 on:** May 03, 2006, 04:30:28 pm »

of course. you are a limp-wristed SoCal wimp. you tear up at anything. especially Rose Bowl highlights.

now, play the game that this thread is.

MRaup · « **Reply #53 on:** May 03, 2006, 07:55:55 pm »

Terrifying Lefty Specialist, Ray Steven King. Ray is known more for yarn-spinning abilities than anything on the field, but the sheer number of pitches he can throw keeps him around no matter how medicore his actual stuff is.
His main enjoyment in life is now telling rookies about the haunted batting cages built on an Indian Burial Ground behind the home dugout, since his days of effective relief are behind him.
Still known to show his frightening ability on the field occasionally as well, coming in and turning a regular game into a Horrow-Show for his home-town fans.

Astros Fan in SoCal · « **Reply #55 on:** May 03, 2006, 08:20:06 pm »

Larry Walker Percy. Outward success masks an inner existential meaninglessness away from the confines of the Coors movie palace.

astrojo · « **Reply #56 on:** May 03, 2006, 08:35:38 pm »

I really wanted to participate but, apparently, I and I suck coming up with career descriptions for my author/players. I came up with a pretty good list that maybe you top 3% can do something with:

mike scott fitzgerald
alex haley rodriguez
robert gibson frost
william faulkner mazeroski or buckner
jack wilson kerouac
edgar allan renteria
j.d. salinger drew
john henry david thoreau
kurt abbott vonnegut
walt weiss whitman

Col. Sphinx Drummond · « **Reply #57 on:** May 03, 2006, 09:29:18 pm »

OF - John Milton Thompson - Fleetfooted fielder was a poet on the bases or following the flight of the balls that he chases. When he swungst the big stick he struck it quite lightly though he wore down even more when he had to play nightly.

JaxAstroFan · « **Reply #58 on:** May 04, 2006, 12:42:56 am »

Well, if we have all these players, they need a manager:

Jimy George Will-iams -- The politically conservative King ascended to the throne and was greeted with a state of semi-anarchy in the wake of a flamboyantly dressed predecessor who actually finished somewhere other than second place. His love of the game clouded his judgement so often that most subjects wondered if they were watching the same fucking game as he. His tawdry reign was predictibly banal, surprising because of the obfuscation caused by the daily changes to his routine. This manifested in some malcontents the wanton desire for the team to lose just so he could be deposed. The lurid way in which the King handled his pitching staff was a continuing source of consternation to all, despite the way he wielded the royal fungo bat.

His tenure was painfully extended due to the fact that the annual midsummer classic happened to be scheduled in his own palace...unfortunately for King One M, as he was derisively called, not long after the All-Star game he was sacked in favor of a former Astro whose presence surprisingly rallied the troops to a post-season appearance and the club's first ever post season series win.

JimR · « **Reply #59 on:** May 04, 2006, 12:45:16 am »

actually, the players were very loyal to Williams. the anarchy reigned during Dierker's last year and led to his firing. perhaps you should rename your manager.

JaxAstroFan · « **Reply #60 on:** May 04, 2006, 12:48:17 am »

I realize that--my description was written from the fans POV, not the players.

pravata · « **Reply #61 on:** May 04, 2006, 01:07:37 am »

Hoyt Kaiser Wilhelm - The National League's last Kaiser. Pitching in an era before Juggs guns and the blitzkreig gained prominence nevertheless, amassing 143 wins, albeit over 21 years. Has his name in the Hall of Fame. Inaugurated the era of the aggressively obnoxious closer with the use of an obnoxious hand salute before pitching to each batter. Wilhelm published the first volume of his memoirs -a disappointingly slim volume which nevertheless revealed the possession of a remarkable memory. Chronicled the use of bennies and very, very, very, blond hair dyes. (Phew thought I was on the schneid in this category.)

Jose Cruz III · « **Reply #62 on:** May 04, 2006, 01:25:12 am »

Kurt Flood Cobain - A hard rocking hitter that was a legend among his peers. Lightning fast, Kurt would strum opposing pitchers like a guitar. Although his life ended too soon, he will always be remembered for challenging the system and playing to the beat of his own drummer. Off the field, Kurt struggled with his demons but his fight that established free agency has been a gaping wound for owners and total nirvana for the players.

Andyzipp · « **Reply #63 on:** May 04, 2006, 09:52:59 am »

Fans are stupid.

lc_db · « **Reply #64 on:** May 04, 2006, 11:14:58 am »

Shortstop ? Julio Lugo Brasi

Growing up playing sandlot ball for the Youth Service League in Brooklyn, New York, Julio became known for his handy work with a bat. A servicable infielder, he made more headlines resulting from his fits of supposed violence. Charges of spousal abuse were dropped by his wife when she was made an offer she couldn?t refuse. Reconciliation came quickly as she soon bore him a child, a masculine child. He enjoys his offseasons by spending time napping next to his fully stocked saltwater aquarium.

JimR · « **Reply #65 on:** May 04, 2006, 11:23:24 am »

not the point of view of this fan. i second Zipper's comment.

Col. Sphinx Drummond · « **Reply #67 on:** May 04, 2006, 03:26:15 pm »

UTL - Walt "No-Neck" Whitman - One time astro who's work amoung the leaves of grass was noted for occupying himslf with song like singin the body electric.

NeilT · « **Reply #68 on:** May 04, 2006, 09:43:54 pm »

CF William Carlos Beltran - while his contemporaries--Cummings, Pound, Eliot--were playing for the big money for French and English teams, Beltran (who was arguably the greatest central gardener of them all) eschewed the big money and remained at home practicing obstetrics and playing for the local Patterson, NJ nine.

(with apologies to StrosRays)

This is just to say

I have taken
the money
that was in
Shea Stadium

and which
you were probably
thinking
was disloyal

Forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so cold

strosrays · « **Reply #69 on:** May 05, 2006, 03:44:18 am »

OK, this is what we have come up with to this point. Pretty damn good team. It could win the NL West right now, going away.

OWA LITERARY/MLB ALL-STARS

STARTING PITCHERS
Starting LHP ? Stephen Vincent Brunet. A crafty left-hander, he doesn?t throw hard or really excel at any one aspect of his craft, but he is pretty good at several. Piles up the innings pitched and finishes with a W-L a few games above .500, year after year. Dependable. (strosrays)

Starting LHP - Lefty Grove Press. A consistent producer of high quality works. (Neil T.)

Starting LHP - Sauly Bellow Koufax. One of the greatest lefthanded pitchers and winner of the Nobel Prize for literature. His most famous character, Herzog, plead for confused understanding with memorable lines like ?what this country needs is a good 5 cent synthesis.? (Neil T.)

Starting RHP - James Ellroy Face. Hard boiled thrower, not afraid to get down and dirty. Looks bigger than he is. Has a game face. Looks like a ball player. Challenges hitters with a barrage of pitches all thrown from multiple arm slots. Comes out of left field. Likes games at dusk, uses shadows. Best pitch is the knuckler. (Sphinx Drummond)

Starting RHP ? J.R. Richard Justice. An imposing fireballing pitcher, who's career did a complete 180. A stroke essentially paralyzed his left side, causing him to lose any sense of direction he once had. Claims of his gutlessness prior to the stroke caused him to be alienated from his fellow players, leaving him no one to talk to in the locker room. (lc_db)

Starting RHP - Ben Folds Sheets. Melancholy piano player whose first job was folding sheets at a Holiday Inn in Winston-Salem. Got his first break when lounge drunks booed Billy Joel off the piano for singing that masturbation song. Folds-Sheets got the piano gig for a few months and sang 900 moody break-up songs, before getting a haircut and breaking into the majors as a sub-.500 pitcher for the Brewers. Eventually grew his hair back, drank too much Miller, and ended up back at the Holiday Inn. Folding Sheets. (Craig the Bastard)

Starting RHP - Plato ?Satchel? Paige. Played in the segregated Greek leagues until he was nearly 50, in which the players were compared to shadows flickering on the wall of a cave. (Neil T.)

Starting RHP - Kevin Dan Brown. This fireball pitcher was once known as an Astros killer. Now he is on a quest to decipher The Da Vinci Code. (utastro)

Starting RHP - Bret Easton "Dock" Ellis. An eccentric character, if not quite an American psycho. Fairly run-of-the-mill middle-of-the-rotation starter who had his moments. Once started off a game (against the Reds, IIRC) by hitting the first four batters he faced, because "I didn't like the way they were looking at me." At the height of his fame drove a bright red Cadillac Eldorado that was extremely, um... accessorized, with lots of chrome, and a faux Rolls Royce front end and grille. "It ain't nothin'," said Ellis, "but a 747." Pitched his only no-hitter (according to him) while tripping on window pane LSD. When asked what his career ERA was, Ellis replied, "Don't know for sure, but its less than zero." (strosrays)

BULLPEN
RHP Long Relief - Jim Tom Clancy. RH reliever for the Astros in the 70s. JT, as he was called, entered each game to the strains of "Stars and Stripes Forever" and insisted on being referred to as "The General." Clancy wore military garb at all times when he was not in his baseball uniform--camouflage in the clubhouse for home games and dress blues on the road. he flamed out spectacularly as a pitcher in Houston, in large part because the lines drives hit off him sounded much like an artillery barrage, and he became shell-shocked. JT disappeared suddenly after blowing a save one August night at the Dome, but it has been rumored that he is in Afghanistan searching for Bin Laden. (Jim R.)

LHP Middle Comic Relief ? Mike Cosgrove Kramer. A lanky, string bean of a left hander, Cosgrove was known more for his wild hairdo than for his unorthodox delivery. He drew the ire of his manager and pitching coaches for constantly arriving to games and meetings unannounced. His short lived baseball career was followed by several misguided business ventures, most notably a make-your-own pizza chain. (lc_db)

RHP Middle Relief - Victor Hugo Bernal. Pitched only one season, 1977, with the San Diego Padres. Alvin Dark, the Padres manager at the time said of the short lived career of Victor: "There is nothing like dream to create the future. Utopia today, flesh and blood tomorrow." (Noe in Austin)

RHP Setup Man - Gabriel Garcia "Se?or Smoke" Lopez. Whether it was his exaggerated endomorphic body type -- about 5' 10" and two-and-a-half bills, at least -- or the fact he could consistently "bring it" at 95 MPH, or a combination of the two, batters regarded Se?or Smoke and his pitching style as something akin to magical realism. His most well-known pitch was called "100 Miles Per Hour of Fuck You", and with it Lopez routinely put all the children to bed. After that, all that was left for the closer (Dave 'Surfer Joe' Smith in Houston) to do was turn out the light and close the door. Senor Smoke's biography, finished just prior to his death in Mexico, was titled Love In The Time Of The 1/2-Pound Burrito Supreme. (strosrays)

LHP LOOGY - Ray Steven King. Terrifying Lefty Specialist. Ray is known more for yarn-spinning abilities than anything on the field, but the sheer number of pitches he can throw keeps him around no matter how mediocre his actual stuff is. His main enjoyment in life is now telling rookies about the haunted batting cages built on an Indian Burial Ground behind the home dugout, since his days of effective relief are behind him. Still known to show his frightening ability on the field occasionally as well, coming in and turning a regular game into a Horror Show for his hometown fans. (MRaup)

LHP Closer - Billy Wagner. (pronounced Vag-ner) Classic showy fireballer with a grating, atonal personality, Wagner was known for blowing away the helpless opposition and then suddenly, shockingly giving up the killing long ball, hence the nickname "Das Gas Kann". While pleasing at first, his routine, with all it's attendant sturm und drang, grew tiresome after awhile. Toward the end, fans could be heard mumbling "gotterdammerung" every time Wagner was called in to put down a rally, and a derisive song parody, Die Wagnure, began to circulate. After he finally left Houston, Wagner played on in a couple of other towns, out east. Doesn't matter which ones, really. (strosrays)

RHP Closer - Three-Finger Wise Brown. Universally known as the best closer of all time. When Wise Brown came into the game, everyone could say good night. (T. J.)

RHP Closer - Hoyt Kaiser Wilhelm. The National League's last Kaiser. Pitching in an era before Juggs guns and the blitzkrieg gained prominence nevertheless, amassing 143 wins, albeit over 21 years. Has his name in the Hall of Fame. Inaugurated the era of the aggressively obnoxious closer with the use of an obnoxious hand salute before pitching to each batter. Wilhelm published the first volume of his memoirs -a disappointingly slim volume which nevertheless revealed the possession of a remarkable memory. Chronicled the use of bennies and very, very, very, blond hair dyes. (pravata)

CATCHERS
Catcher - Chuck Lindstrom Toole. The epitome of the one hit wonder, he blazed briefly across the firmament recording a record slugging percentage of 3.000 in his single game in the bigs. "I just didn't have the mental toughness for pro ball," he said shortly before taking his own life. (mr. owlook)

Catcher - Yogi Berra. He was not a writer, but he wrote like one. (Neil T.)

Catcher - Tony Hillerman Eusebio. The biggest mystery of the southwest was how did he fit that ginormous ass into a pair of baseball pants? (HurricaneDavid)

INFIELD
First Base - Travis Harper Lee. Famous for his ability To Kill a Fastball. Hides in seclusion after one big hit. (mihoba)

First Base - L. Ron Mattingly. Played well early, and continued to gain notoriety. He had an entertaining style, and was particularly flashy with leather. Not as great as he thinks he is, however is supporters (usually from rich, arrogant, and myopically insane areas in which Baseball is found) for some reason think he's a god. (bench)

Second Base - Carlos "Aesops" Febles. (work with me here). Often described as the veteran presence on the oft struggling Kansas City Royals baseball club. Known for imparting sage consul to other players during the stretching time prior to the game. "Slow and steady wins the race, fellas... slow and steady... means we're taking this division... yeah, I'm talkin here... slow and steady!" (Noe in Austin)

Third Base -- e. e. caminiti.

e. e. cammy's
defunct
who used to
dive watersmooth-silver
across the line
and stab onetwothreefourfive line shotsjustlikethat
Jesus
he was a helluva third sacker
and what i want to know is
how do you like your coke-head boy
Mister Death (strosrays)

Third Base/Outfield ? Magic Dick Allen. A reluctant superstar who could not only hit prodigious dingers, but also had the speed to in one game have two inside the park homeruns. Elected to avoid the limelight while constantly sparring with team/league management. Basically, he just wanted to play. One offseason when asked his preferences he replied, "I'll play first, third, left. I'll play anywhere - except Philadelphia." (lc_db)

Shortstop - Ernest Banks Hemingway. Old man of the C(ubs). Hard charging, wanting the most out of life ("let's play two"), who left SS for 1B after he bid farewell to his arm strength. After hitting 500+ home runs yet never sniffing the playoffs, he hung up his cleats, knowing full well, for whom the bell tolled. (Foghorn)

Shortstop ? Julio Lugo Brasi. Growing up playing sandlot ball for the Youth Service League in Brooklyn, New York, Julio became known for his handy work with a bat. A serviceable infielder, he made more headlines resulting from his fits of supposed violence. Charges of spousal abuse were dropped by his wife when she was made an offer she couldn?t refuse. Reconciliation came quickly as she soon bore him a child, a masculine child. He enjoys his off seasons by spending time napping next to his fully stocked saltwater aquarium. (lc_db)

UTILITY
Pitcher-Catcher ? George Michael Barrett. A former first round pick, Barrett gave up going both ways early in his career and became a strict right handed hitter. A father figure in the locker room, he showed no faith during a 2004 confrontation with Astro pitcher Roy Oswalt after being whammed by fastball. Barrett is also known for his unfortunate arrest in 1998. While in a public restroom in a Beverly Hills city park, he was caught soliciting a male undercover police officer inquiring to ?Sand his Bat Handle?. (lc_db)

Utility - Walt "No-Neck" Whitman. One time Astro who's work among the leaves of grass was noted for occupying himself with song like singing the body electric. (Sphinx Drummond)

OUTFIELD
Left Field - Jeff S. Burroughs. A hitter with great power, but pretty erratic. A media darling early on, called his bat The Steely Dan. His decline was early and precipitous, and though he hung on for awhile, the magic was clearly gone. Last seen in the tabloids, he walked into a diner somewhere in the Atlanta area at lunchtime and ordered a tongue sandwich, on rye. He was, unfortunately, entirely unclothed at the time. (strosrays)

Left Field (for sure!) - Harold Douglas Adams. Promising hitter, but only lasted one year (1969) with the Chicago White Sox. The first known British citizen to play in the majors, but that worked against him as teammates complained about not understanding a word he was saying. Not because of his accent, but because he talked in such circles it made the heads spin of half the team. When the news reached him that he was released, he was quoted as saying "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws." The young bat boy on the team, Brad Ausmus, was the only one who understood Douglas Adams' genius. (Noe in Austin)

Center Field ? Tommie James Agee. Nicknamed "Rufus." An enormously talented and prolific player, Agee was often used at leadoff though he was not ideally suited for it (he didn?t walk a whole lot, and struck out too much), though he was very fast, and showed consistent power. Every time he stepped on the field, he did something exciting. He was famous for his long, circuitous forays into the gaps to flag down drives, making catches that often seemed impossible at first; I think it was Bob Costas who originally dubbed those doomed long flies as "A Death In The Power Alley" (a designation later pathologically overused by Tim McCarver, among others.) Agee ran up big HR, runs scored, and SB totals for a few years, and people overlooked his flaws (low BA, the strikeouts.) But along with his gifts, he was very self-destructive; and his career, like his life, ended much too soon. (strosrays)

Center Field ? Torii Hunter Thompson. An outstanding fielder, Torii was widely known for his gonzo style of getting high over outfield walls taking away potential homeruns. His use of speed in the field and a cannon of an arm garnered him several Gold Glove awards. There is no truth to the rumors that the two I?s in his first name symbolize references to peyote buttons. (lc_db)

Center Field - Bernie Taupin Williams. A prolific yet low-key presence on many a championship New York Yankees team, he used his bat like a songwriter uses a pen to crank out hit after hit. He preferred to work behind the scenes though, letting the flamboyant frontmen like Jeter, Posada and Rivera hug the spotlight. While the lustre has long faded on the hit-making machine, Williams is quietly slowing down into what appears to be a quite comfortable retirement. (Ty in Tampa)

Center Field (sometimes) - Robert Griffey, Jr. Great talent, fun to watch, but 'accident prone.' Can't stay away from rehab. (strosrays)

Center Field - William Carlos Beltran. While his contemporaries--Cummings, Pound, Eliot--were playing for the big money for French and English teams, Beltran (who was arguably the greatest central gardener of them all) eschewed the big money and remained at home practicing obstetrics and playing for the local Patterson, NJ nine.

This is just to say

I have taken
the money
that was in
Shea Stadium

and which
you were probably
thinking
was disloyal

Forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so cold (Neil T.)

Right Field ? Theodore Reiser. His career got off to a terrific start ? he won Rookie of the Year, and was expected to be a major talent for many years ? but his penchant for running headlong into outfield walls cut his greatness short, and cost him his place in the sun. An American tragedy, you might say. (strosrays)

Outfield - Shoeless Joe Kinsella. Hard-hitting OF during the Golden Era of baseball who was prone to flights of fantasy. during the off season, he worked as a carpenter building baseball fields for rural town teams. unfortunately, his fantasy of being business partners with noted entrepreneur Arnold Rothstein led to his being banned from organized baseball for life. (Jim R.)

Outfield - Herman ?Babe? Melville. A whale of a player, and a whale of a man. Generally considered the greatest player of his era, and perhaps the greatest American player. (Neil T.)

Outfield - Ted Ernest Hemingway Williams. Best known as a fly-fisher, though he insisted that his characters fish with a McGinty, which is tied to resemble a bee. No fly-fisher has ever claimed to catch a permit with a McGinty, except for Williams. While it is arguable that Williams was the greatest hitter ever, his insistence that hitting required an uppercut caused many young hitters without Williams' great skill to produce poorly crafted, simple sentences. In truth, at his worst, he was even a parody of himself. He ended blowing his brains out in Sun Valley, Idaho, where they were freeze-dried for later reconstitution. (Neil T.)

Outfield - Larry Walker Percy. Outward success masks an inner existential meaninglessness away from the confines of the Coors movie palace. (Astros Fan in SoCal)

Outfield - John Milton Thompson. Fleet-footed fielder was a poet on the bases or following the flight of the balls that he chases. When he swungst the big stick he struck it quite lightly though he wore down even more when he had to play nightly. (Sphinx Drummond)

Outfield - Kurt Flood Cobain. A hard rocking hitter that was a legend among his peers. Lightning fast, Kurt would strum opposing pitchers like a guitar. Although his life ended too soon, he will always be remembered for challenging the system and playing to the beat of his own drummer. Off the field, Kurt struggled with his demons but his fight that established free agency has been a gaping wound for owners and total nirvana for the players. (Jose Cruz III)

OTHER
Owner - Jane Austen Yawkey. Owner of the Boston Red Sox. While her teams often had great substance, they have been compared to stylish fairy tales in which realism was only present in the conversations, not the plot. (Neil T.)

Manager - Bibb Faulkner. Legendary collegiate manager of the University of Yoknapatawpha Longhorns. (Neil T.)

Manager - Jimy George Will-iams. The politically conservative King ascended to the throne and was greeted with a state of semi-anarchy in the wake of a flamboyantly dressed predecessor who actually finished somewhere other than second place. His love of the game clouded his judgement so often that most subjects wondered if they were watching the same fucking game as he. His tawdry reign was predictibly banal, surprising because of the obfuscation caused by the daily changes to his routine. This manifested in some malcontents the wanton desire for the team to lose just so he could be deposed. The lurid way in which the King handled his pitching staff was a continuing source of consternation to all, despite the way he wielded the royal fungo bat. His tenure was painfully extended due to the fact that the annual midsummer classic happened to be scheduled in his own palace...unfortunately for King One M, as he was derisively called, not long after the All-Star game he was sacked in favor of a former Astro whose presence surprisingly rallied the troops to a post-season appearance and the club's first ever post season series win. (JaxAstroFan)

Pinch-Runner - Kaavya "Casey" Viswanathan. Super fast Rookie of the Year frontrunner. Strikes out a ton.. but when she gets aboard... the steal sign is ALWAYS on... (The Spleen)

Pinch-Hitter (Switch-Hitter) - Gertrude "a rose is a rose is a" Rose. Played for the St Germain Reds, and was famous for singles on the grass, alas. Was ultimately banned from baseball because Rose was a woman, and a lesbian woman at that. The ban is highly controversial, though, particularly among lesbian gamblers who eat skyline chili. Rose should have been banned for the butch mullet she still wears. (Neil T.)

Designated Hitter - Samuel Taylor Martinez. Designated hitter and author of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner. (Neil T.)

JimR · « **Reply #70 on:** May 05, 2006, 11:50:55 am »

brilliant idea for a thread, and it has turned out great. keep compling them. i want a copy of whatever we wind up with.

HudsonHawk · « **Reply #71 on:** May 05, 2006, 12:04:48 pm »

You need a bench coach too. I nominate....

Cecil Fenimore Cooper.

JimR · « **Reply #73 on:** May 05, 2006, 12:10:05 pm »

ok, tell us about him.

BizidyDizidy · « **Reply #74 on:** May 05, 2006, 12:21:50 pm »

How about for pitching coach:

Tom House Wolfe - Considered by some one of the greatest pitching coaches of his generation, although other pitching coaches have claimed this is only because of his name recognition and pandering to the general public. Often bores pitchers with long-winded descriptions of the ideal pitching movement (and god forbid you ask for a demonstration of proper technique in the bedroom). His protege's are known for beginning strong and then fizzling out (Notable among these are Mark Prior and Sherman McCoy).

Limey · « **Reply #75 on:** May 05, 2006, 12:29:34 pm »

Pitching Coach: Jules Verne Ruhle: Considered by many to be ahead of his time. His ability to journey to the centre of a pitcher's brain made him better than many at his job by twenty thousand leagues. His philosophy was of challenging pitchers to go from the earth to the moon. As a former pitcher himself, he was well known for his sexual antics: he once went "around the world", eighty days in a row!

Lefty · « **Reply #76 on:** May 05, 2006, 12:30:20 pm »

Mark Langston Hughes: crafty lefthanded wordsmith, good pitcher, but also a good catcher as well. Not surprisingly signed his first free agent deal with the California Angels, his preference for their red color scheme being the deciding factor.

davek · « **Reply #77 on:** May 05, 2006, 12:36:22 pm »

Starting RHP ? Andy 'Zipper' Messersmith Quality ML hurler known for his zany locker room antics. Popularized 'barrio queso' as a training table staple despite the debilitating and anti-social side effects. Prolonged an already successful career by his copious use of Vaseline. Sometimes even on the baseball.

JimR · « **Reply #78 on:** May 05, 2006, 12:58:29 pm »

you'd think that a Stanford student--who all are far smarter than everyone else--would know that 's is possessive, not plural.

JimR · « **Reply #79 on:** May 05, 2006, 01:11:30 pm »

Cecil Fenimore Cooper--a Native American of the Mohican tribe named Little Cub, he was born outside of Cooperstown, New York, and always claimed that a career in MLB was his destiny. after a sudden and unexplainable epidemic of influenza wiped out his village, Little Cub was the last and only survivor of the Mohican tribe. Reverend Cecil Cooper and his wife found the lad near death, nursed him back to health and raised him in Cooperstown as their son. to honor them, Little Cub took their name. as Cecil Cooper, he had a long and succesful career as a feared hitter in the big leagues and spent many happy years as a bench coach for the Houston Astros.

JimR · « **Reply #80 on:** May 05, 2006, 01:21:21 pm »

davek, you should edit and add Zipper's fondness for a certain cheese dish.

ah, done or i missed it the first time, which is entirely possible.

NeilT · « **Reply #82 on:** May 05, 2006, 03:36:26 pm »

leftist RHP Brandon Steinbacke Some critics accuse Steinbacke of producing only one or two great games, but what great games they were. My personal favorite is his journal from his month-long marine biology tour of the Texas coast, Journal from Galveston Bay.

Will someone please take this away so I'll stop.

JimR · « **Reply #83 on:** May 05, 2006, 03:39:37 pm »

hell, no. this is a great thread.

Zan · « **Reply #84 on:** May 06, 2006, 04:42:20 pm »

How about a crack at doing this to poke fun at some OWA posters' traits. These are meant all in good fun. I'll try first:

Earnest Bizingway - Intelligent poster who employs austentasious displays of machismo and intellectual pretension.

Cicero the Bastard - Dark soul who confuses a profane post with an articulate post.

Jim R Edwards - Educated poster who is blunt with the arrogant, but compassionate with the ignorant who ask honest questions.

JimR · « **Reply #85 on:** May 08, 2006, 03:34:10 pm »

way to kill a thread, Zan.

geezerdonk · « **Reply #86 on:** May 08, 2006, 05:06:43 pm »

Johan Sebastian Santana - Hard throwing Venezuelan lefty and composer whose music chronicles the transition of his eccentric sexual practices from forsaking bestiality ("Sheep May Safely Graze") to a homosexual affair with a former Astro outfielder (Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring").

MusicMan · « **Reply #87 on:** May 08, 2006, 05:35:45 pm »

Medical advisor - Tommy Elton John - a longtime roommate of Bernie Taupin Williams (even in an era when roomates were no longer de rigeur), T.E. blew out his elbow in a Saturday night fight. Unwilling to let the sun go down on his career so easily, John pursued a radical new elbow surgery. After a brief stint with the Philadelphia Freedom of the Independent League, he returned to New York triumphantly announcing "The bitch is back!". Also known to sing the praises of Roger Clemens.

Trey · « **Reply #89 on:** May 08, 2006, 05:49:41 pm »

Starting Pitcher - Nolan Ryan Adams - This fireballing righty not only threw more no-hitters than any other pitcher in history, he managed to place a curse on New York, New York in the process. Called overrated by many since he only won about half his games. Possibly best remembered for thwarting an attack by Robin Ventura by putting him in a headlock and Going Nuclear on his face.

JimR · « **Reply #91 on:** May 08, 2006, 06:49:12 pm »

consider an amendment: "who displayed five tools in the farm system"

Jose Cruz III · « **Reply #92 on:** May 09, 2006, 12:14:25 am »

Joe Dirt Charboneau While having moderate success in the beginning of his career, he quickly took a downward spiral when he began to search out his dad so his dad could teach him to hit a big league curveball. When he finally found him he found pitchers had adjusted and that he couldn't hit forkballs, screwballs, and fastballs with any movement either. Joe wound up his career on radio.

geezerdonk · « **Reply #94 on:** May 09, 2006, 11:50:14 am »

James Russell "Mike" Lowell - Hard hitting third baseman and noted poet and critic. Took circuitous route from Puerto Rico through New York and Florida to return to his native Boston. Also appears as a central character in a well written historical mystery novel.

geezerdonk · « **Reply #95 on:** May 09, 2006, 12:07:06 pm »

Eddie Arlington Robinson - Slugging American League first baseman; also a powerhouse in American poetry. Made his mark on baseball as an executive with several major league teams but is most remembered for using the so called "Children of the Night" lineup replacing ballplayers with inhabitants of an imaginary New England town, including Eben Flood, Cliff Klingenhagen, Miniver Cheevy and Richard Cory.

Lefty · « **Reply #96 on:** May 09, 2006, 12:21:11 pm »

Graham Greenie - unsurprisingly prolific author and invaluable aid to all ballplayers in their tireless quest for the power and the glory on the field. Imparted such energy & endurance in players that it sometimes seemed that there was a second, even a third man, aiding in fielding their positions.

In stark contrast to the current brouhaha over steroids in baseball, the quiet American press rarely brings up his historical role in the game.

Limey · « **Reply #97 on:** May 09, 2006, 12:43:15 pm »

Starting Pitcher: Marilyn "Pete" Munro - A profound pitcher well know for his curves, Pete also had a tendency to let anyone get to 3rd base and beyond. Especially if their last name was Kennedy. He considered the diamond to be his best friend, and like pitching in the heat of the Houston summer. Had an odd uniform fetish, his collar didn't match his cuffs.

Jacksonian · « **Reply #98 on:** May 09, 2006, 12:46:39 pm »

Right Field - Babe Ruth Westheimer. Known for his antics off the field as much as for his accomplishments on the field. Perhaps the greatest baseball player ever, Babe scored often including 714 baseball home runs and is said to have been able to advise many on how to circle the bases in a variety of venues. Capable of arousing fans, legend has it he brought Yankees fans to near orgasm after calling his shot. Though never quite looking the part he became an often talked about and beloved figure around the world.

strosrays · « **Reply #100 on:** May 09, 2006, 03:01:02 pm »

Center Field - Tennessee Edmonds Stylish (if somewhat effete) St. Louis centerfielder, he experienced the sweet bird of his youth in SoCal before migrating east. Told 3rdinal GM Jocketty, "If you lose your demons (presumably Kent "Mr. Creosote" Bottenfield and Adam Kennedy), I can lose the Angels", and voila!, he was a Jake. He didn't really understand the philosophical mumblings of his new manager (La Rousseau), and was secretly jealous when his boss said if teamate A.E. Milne ("Pooh holes") was a girl, he'd marry him. Famous for feathering his hair, and then highlighting the tips. His craft came easily to him, but he was known for trying to make it look harder than it was, diving around for easy fly balls like a cat on a... on a... anyway, like a cat with hot feet. Then suddenly last summer his excesses began to catch up with him. He may have a stroke or two of greatness left in him (particularly in Minute Maid, alas), but one gets the sense the aging glass menagerie that is the Jakes is beginning to crack and shatter.

Ty in Tampa · « **Reply #101 on:** May 09, 2006, 03:47:50 pm »

CF - Walter "Wendy" Carlos Beltran - A slight yet fleet CFer who toiled in obscurity early in his/her career, only to have his/her game 'switched on' after a trade to the Astros. His/her new take on classic baseball synthesized his/her new team and helped carry them farther than they had ever gone before. But something was eating at him/her from the inside and he/she decided a change of 'scenery' was needed. After hiring scene-change surgeon Dr. Scott Lucifer Boras, Beltran was transformed back into obscurity with the New York Mets.

Author Topic: The penis is mightier than the sword (Read 21476 times)

strosrays

Andyzipp

strosrays

No? in Austin

strosrays

No? in Austin

No? in Austin

strosrays

strosrays

strosrays

pravata

Andyzipp

strosrays

strosrays