By Craig Elliott
The Astros took two of three from the Brewers, thanks in large part to Morgan Ensberg's HUGE FUCKING STICK. Adam Everett has turned into an RBI machine, which is not to be confused with the vending machine at first.
And the Astros will need all those bats if the goddamn bullpen keeps imitating Yvette on ?Take Your Base Night.? That's where the first 10,000 opposing players get their choice of four free sacks.
Meanwhile, the Pirates just lost a series to the Co-Ards and are already six games back in the division. However, the Wilson Sisters have been a couple of bright spots for the Roots this month. Nancy has moved to first to replace Sean Casey and got Player of the Week honors. Still has that mangy-ass beard, though. Ann already has four errors at shortstop, but four homers as well. Apparently she's not as nimble as she once was, but still has the pop.
When:
Friday, April 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Saturday, April 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? KNWS
Sunday, April 23, 1:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN
MLB Extra Innings ? Friday's and Sunday's games will be on the Fox Southwest feed. Pierogies for everyone on the Pittsburgh broadcast Saturday.
Where: MMPUS
Saturday's giveaway is a nice mousepad with the schedule on it. John ?Say My Name, Bitch? Lopez can use it to stay awake while he's surfing that other Astros site. You know, the one where you wouldn't be allowed to say ?fuckwit Chronicle inbreeders.? For example.
Projected Matchups
Zach Duke (1-1, 4.50) v. Wandy Rodriguez (2-0, 2.84)
Duke has seen the Astros twice and has one loss to show for it. Here's a sign of the times: 11 Astros have batted against him, and none of them are named ?Bagwell.? Overall the Astros are 13-for-40 (.325) against Duke. No one has a homer, but Jason Lane is 3-for-5, Ausmus and WillyT are both 2-for-4, and Bidge and the Vending Machine are both 2-for-3. Everett, Ensberg, and Burke are a combined 0-for-14.
Wandy is looking better and better this year. The Snakes only got two hits off him in seven innings last week, and no runs. He was also 1-0 against the Pirates last year. Jeromy Burnitz is only 1-for-11 against Wandy, but the one hit was a homer. Jason Bay and Freddy Sanchez are both 2-for-3 against him.
Ian Snell (0-1, 9.60) v. Taylor Buchholz (0-1, 3.18)
Snell is 1-1 against the Astros. Current 'Stros are 13-for-47 (.277) against him, with no homers. Mo is 3-for-7 with a triple, and Berkman is 2-for-5 with two doubles. Willy is 2-for-4 and Palmeiro is 2-for-2. However, Bidge is 1-for-8, Lane is 0-for-4, and Ausmus and the Chin are both 0-for-3.
Buchholz got a no-decision in his first start, though he went six innings and only gave up two earned runs. He also gave up two hits, and unfortunately they were both homers.
Paul Maholm (0-2, 6.11) v. Roy Oswalt (3-0, 2.76)
Maholm started six games for the Roots last year, but the Astros never saw him. He's a lefty and was the Pirates Minor Leaguer Player of the Year last year. In three starts this year he's 0-2, has gone 18+ innings, and has surrendered 12 earned runs and three homers. He had a good game against the Jakes this week, holding the fuckers to two runs in six innings.
Roy hasn't looked totally sharp, but he keeps racking up the wins. He's 7-5 against the Pirates with an ERA above 3. Several Pirates hit him well, including Jose Hernandez at 8-for-21 (.381) with a homer, Jason Bay at 6-for-16 (.375), Nancy Wilson at 5-for-14 (.357) with two doubles and a triple, and Ann Wilson at 15-for-45 (.333). Hernandez is the only active Pirate with a homer off Oswalt. Watch out for some guy named Nate McLouth; he's 3-for-3 against Roy.
Key injuries:
Pittsburgh ? ?Smarmy? Joe Randa and his shit-eating smirk are questionable for this series. Sean Casey broke his back and won't be back for several weeks. Jody Gerut is involved in a grievance against the team; he got bent out of joint over knee surgery or something. Kip Wells and Brian Bullington are on the 60-day DL. It also looks like Ryan Doumit and John Van Benschoten are out.
Houston ? Backe and Bagwell. Same as it ever was.
Other shit:
* The Pirates starters in this series have an average 12 career starts among them. My alternate title was ?If Rooks Could Kill.?
