By Craig the Bastard
What better time to play for the wildcard lead than against the goddamn fucking New York Mets? The Astros are on a roll, and the Mets can lick my balls.
Houston is one game off the wildcard lead, and two games ahead of the Scrubs and Stem. With two months left in the season it doesn?t matter a whole lot yet, but knocking these whores down a few notches would still be excellent.
It will be interesting to see what kind of reaction Carlos Beltran gets from the Minute Maid crowd. The playoff run last year gave us all a chubby, but then Carlos delivered the money shot to New York. Of course it?s going to hit the Mets? fans in the eye 119 million times, because they can?t trade that .267 albatross for the next seven years.
When:
Thursday, July 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
Friday, July 29, 7:05 p.m. CDT ? KNWS
Saturday, July 30, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
Sunday, July 31, 1:05 p.m. CDT ? FSSW
MLB Extra Innings ? No broadcast Saturday, but the other three games will be on the Fox Southwest feed.
Where: MMPUS
The Astros just swept the Phillies out of town without ever seeing Billy Wagner. We?ve won 10 of the last 11, and we gotta keep that train a-rollin? ? right over the greasy-ass Mets and their douche-nozzle fans.
Projected Matchups
Pedro Martinez (12-3, 2.79) v. Ezequiel Astacio (1-4, 8.24)
Pedro is 5-7 against the Astros, and is 9th in the majors in ERA this season (behind three Astros). Biggio is our best hitter against Martinez at 12-for-36 (.333), but some of those ABs were probably a long time ago. Other than Berkman at 1-for-3, no one else on the Astros is better than .250 against Pedro. Mike Lamb is 0-for-11 and Brad Ausmus is 1-for-18.
Astacio is essentially the sixth man in our rotation; we just store him at Round Rock. He?s got a tough job going up against Pedro today, and the Beltran ABs will probably be interesting. Some early run support for Astacio sure would be nice.
Kris Benson (7-3, 3.14) v. Wandy Rodriguez (5-4, 6.18)
Wandy?s been looking good lately and he?s only given up three earned runs in his last 13 innings. He?s never faced the Mets, so fuck them.
Benson is 2-9 against the Astros with a 4.91 ERA. Berkman is 6-for-20 (.300) with a homer against him and Bidge is 9-for-31 (.290). Ensberg is 3-for-11 (.273) with 4 RBI. Also, every time Benson loses, his wife Anna gets out the strap-on and widens his strike zone.
Tom Glavine (7-8, 4.69) v. Andy Pettitte (8-7, 2.73)
Speaking of wide strike zones, here?s our old buddy Whining Tom. One of the original Sniveling Uptight Women, Glavine is 15-10 against the Astros, dating back to his days in the Federal League when the plate was 10 feet wide.
Jeff Bagwell was our Glavine-killer for the last decade or so, so we?ll need production somewhere else. Biggio is 22-for-92 (.239) against Glavine with two homers, and Viz is 9-for-28 (.321). However, Berkman is 1-for-13 and Ausmus is 2-for-fucking-37.
Andy is 6-2 against the Stem, and practically everyone on the team has faced him at some point. Several Mets go better than .400 against Pettitte, including Beltran, Man-Titz, Gerald Williams, and David Wright. Overall, current Mets are 76-for-262 (.290) against Andy.
Kazuhisa Ishii (3-9, 4.96) v. Roy Oswalt (14-8, 2.33)
He-She is 0-1 against the Astros, including seven innings of shutout pitching (but no decision) early this season. In fact, it was one of those 1-0 games that Roger lost. No one on the Astros has more than 5 AB against Ishii, and the current Astros overall are 4-for-32 (.125) against him. Biggio does have a homer off him.
Roy is 2-3 against the Mets, and one of those losses came earlier this season. Current Stem have hit him well, going 28-for-86 (.326). None of them individually have more than 14 AB against Roy, though. Cliff Floyd is 5-for-13 (.385), Marlon Anderson is 3-for-8 (.375), Beltran is 2-for-4, and Man-Titz is 2-for-3.
Key injuries:
New York ? Kaz Matsui and Steve Trachsel might be back in August. Felix Heredia, Bartolome Fortunato, and Tyler Yates are out for the season.
Houston ? Oh baby, Backe?s rib?s hurt. Astacio will be getting more face time.
Other shit
? I?ve already noticed a disturbing increase in the level of Scott Baio chatter, and would like to remind everyone that bizarre playoff-run superstitions, like condoms, are typically single-shot affairs. Reuse them at your peril.
? I hate the fucking Mets.
? I hate their city, their fuckwit fans, that piece-of-shit stadium, and their fucking shade of blue. They dishonor the color orange, their logo is ghey, and Mike Piazza can go fuck himself. Goddamn fucking Mets.
