PREFACE: Before I talk about how much the goddamn Washington Nationals fucking suck, I think it’s important to mention that I’m NOT referring to their first base coach Tim Bogar, who is awesome, and whom I can only assume is the reason that this piece of shit franchise finds itself in the World Series. According to MLB.com, “in 2018 the Nationals ranked second in the National League in stolen bases (119) and stolen base percentage (78.3%).” That is outstanding work by Mr. Bogar, and since he is also apparently the Nationals infield instructor, I’m sure that before every game he performs some Astrodome-learned infield incantation that allows Nats players and pitchers to keep their Potomac River Diarrhea inside their bowels until the game is over. Thank you Mr. Bogar, you are a legend and these shitheads do not deserve you.
With that out of the way, FUCK FUCK FUCK the Washington Nationals!!! I am already punching the wall at the thought of George fucking Will sitting in the stands with his stupid fucking bowtie taking a probing bite of a hot dog as he smugly thinks to himself, “so this is what sex must be like” (because he’s a 78 year-old virgin whose mom cut off his dick back in 1948 because she thought he was getting too horny with the horsey ride outside the local A&P). Fuck this guy, fuck Brett Kavanaugh, and fuck ALL the Gordon Biersch-swilling, baseball-humping political assholes right in their lizard faces. “Ho ho ho, isn’t politics just like a game of sport?” NO YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IT’S FUCKING NOT!!! “Ah yes, but that Ukraine scandal sure is a game-changer.” SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! SPORTS IS FUN!!! YOU ASSHOLES ARE RUINING EVERYTHING GOOD AND DECENT ABOUT LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Washington DC is literally a swamp, and that’s not some dumbass political metaphor (btw, FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS for putting stupid political metaphors like this in my brain). This goddamn city is literally built on a swamp. And look, I’m not trying to denigrate swamps because I’ve seen some nice swamps before, but the goddamned swamp that is this city is to other swamps what Tommy Lasorda’s vagina is to other vaginas. This city is sandwiched between the worst parts of two of the worst goddamned states we have, and the weather is like the toilet at a Golden Corral. This is a fucking city run by the types of assholes who give Donald Trump a free hotel BEFORE he becomes president. This is a fucking city run by the types of assholes whose most beloved cultural artifact is a bunch of founding fathers rapping. Putting our great nation’s Capitol on this parcel of raccoon piss was the worst decision this country has ever made, and it is no coincidence that every bright-eyed young idealist we send over there comes back three years later as a pisspig ghoul.
But look, as bad as this city is, fuckety fuck fuck I gotta go back to the fans of this fucking team. As you watch these games, DO NOT FORGET that between 17 and 23% of the fans of this team are pedophiles. And do not forget that these assholes consider baseball to be the ultimate representation of why they think they are better than you. While you and I go to games to throw batteries at the other team’s right fielder and heckle adults who still bring their gloves to the game, these shitheads are crafting an Op-Ed about how VORP would be a good model for healthcare policy in the 21st Century. Ever wonder why you have to listen to Joe Buck announce every fucking game in every fucking sport even though everybody wants to punch him in the face? It’s because Nats fans are the type of people who like Joe Buck (because he reminds them of them), and since they go to human centipede parties every weekend with the CEO’s of every major media conglomerate, the result is that you and I have to listen to Joe Buck and Jim Nantz and Al Michaels and Jim Lampley until our brains melt. Everything about baseball that we all hate— the pitching clocks, the instant replays, the requirement to sing an ass song like “God Bless America” every game— is what these assholes consider their grand vision for a utopian society. Worst of all, Nats fans consider baseball to be their “I have lots of black friends” alibi for feeling like they are one with the common man. “Who among us does not enjoy eating a crackered jack, and root root rooting for the home team?”
So just to sum up my main point: fuck the Nationals right in their fucking ear! This franchise is so low on the right-to-exist scale that they make the Florida Marlins look like the New Orleans Saints after Hurricane Katrina. Recall that every game these cocksuckers play is another goose-step on the Indian burial mound of the Montreal Expos, a franchise that played in such a badass stadium, had such an awesome logo, that they had to be moved away by dealer of shitty art and personal friend of Jeffrey Epstein, Jeffrey Loria. The Astros need to destroy these fuckers quickly and thoroughly. They need to treat them with the most merciless, carnivalesque displays of brutality possible, and then when it’s all over they bring Bryce Harper over and make him lick up the mess that’s left on the carpet.
