Twins @ Astros May 2, 2016

[Mr. Happy]

Your lineups for tonight's tilt:

Twins

CFDanny Santana (S)
2BBrian Dozier (R)
1BJoe Mauer (L)
RFMiguel Sano (R)
DHByung-ho Park (R)
SSEduardo Escobar (S)
LFEddie Rosario (L)
CJ. Murphy (R)
3BEduardo Nunez (R)

MIN: Jose Berrios (R)  (0-1, 11.25)

Astros

2B Jose Altuve (R)
RF George Springer (R)
SS Carlos Correa (R)
CF Colby Rasmus (L)
DH Evan Gattis (R)
LF Preston Tucker (L)
1B Marwin Gonzalez (S)
3B Luis Valbuena (L)
C Jason Castro (L)

HOU: Dallas Keuchel (L)  (2-3, 4.41)

[HudsonHawk]

T1:

Santana strikes out swinging
Dozier doubles to LCF
Mauer...0-2...1-2...2-2...3-2...walks
Sano grounds into 1-4-3 double play on the first pitch

0-0

[HudsonHawk]

B1:

Altuve pops out F4 on a sliding grab by Dozier on the infield grass
Springer grounds out 6-3
Correa walks
Rasmus...quickly down 0-2...1-2...2-2...strikes out swinging

No score after one.

[HudsonHawk]

T2:

Park singles to RF
Escobar strikes out looking
Rosario grounds into 4-6-3 double play

0-0

[HudsonHawk]

Tucker!!!

Solo shot makes it 1-0 Astros

[hostros7]

Tucker!! Hopefully everyone else not smoking this guy takes notice.


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[HudsonHawk]

B2:

Gattis strikes out on a check swing
Tucker homers to RF
Marwin grounds out 4-3
Valbuena...3-0...walks on four pitches
Castro bunt single, Valbuena to 2B
Altuve chops back to the mound, 1-3

1-0 Astros

[HudsonHawk]

T3:

Murphy grounds out 5-3
Nunez grounds out 6-3
Santana strikes out looking

1-0 Astros

[WVastro]

Nice to see home Kuechel again.

[HudsonHawk]

Two walks to lead off the 3rd for Rasmus...

[HudsonHawk]

B3:

Springer with a leadoff walk
Correa walks, Springer to 2B
Rasmus strikes out swinging
Gattis grounds into 6-4-3 double play

1-0 Astros

[BizidyDizidy]

This is becoming ridiculous

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[WVastro]

You can almost smell the Gattis double play before it happens... Like a distant smell of a match lit near a soiled toilet...

[HudsonHawk]

This is becoming ridiculous

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They're getting squat from 1B, squat from 3B, squat from catcher, squat from CF and squat from DH. 

[WVastro]

They're getting squat from 1B, squat from 3B, squat from catcher, squat from CF and squat from DH.

That sums it up pretty succinctly. I'd just add that once you put Tucker and Marwin on the field they don't get squat from the bench either.

[hostros7]

Nice to see home Kuechel again.

Premature

[HudsonHawk]

An infield single and back to back walks...Twins have the bases loaded and one out...

[WVastro]

Premature

I'll take blame for the Oswalt inning.

[HudsonHawk]

2 runs in...Keuchel falling apart...really struggling

[HudsonHawk]

Keuchel's now walked the bases loaded with two out...37 pitches this inning already...

[BizidyDizidy]

And walks in a run

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[austro]

Uuuuuuuuuugly.

[HudsonHawk]

Keuchel walks in a run...3-1 Twins...still bases juiced.

[hostros7]

4 pitch walk with the bases loaded tells you all you need to know - unkeuchel


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[WVastro]

4 pitch walk with the bases loaded tells you all you need to know - unkeuchel


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I'll show myself out.

[HudsonHawk]

T4:

Dozier...full count...chops to SS, originally ruled out 6-3, but Twins challenging and should win it...yep, overturned, infield single
Mauer...full count...rolls one to 1B, out 3U...Dozier, running on the pitch, moves to 2B
Sano walks
Park...full count...walks, Dozier to 3B, Sano to 2B
Escobar singles to LF on the first pitch, Dozier scores, Sano to 3B and Park to 2B
Rosario...full count...sac fly to LF, Sano, pulling a bass boat but still scores easily as Tucker noodle arms one in
Murphy...full count...walks, Escobar to 3B, Park to 3B, Escobar to 2B
Nunez...3-0...walks on four pitches, Park scores, Escobar to 3B, Murphy to 2B
Santana...3-1...grounds into FC, Nunez out 5-4

But...Twins send 9 to the plate...Keuchel throws 46 pitches while walking four...

Twins lead 3-1

[hostros7]

Keuchel pretty chafed by the strike zone, but it's pretty clear that he was his own worst enemy that inning.


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[HudsonHawk]

Twins get three runs on a slow chopper in the infield and a seeing eye ground ball.  They don't have Evan Gattis in their lineup. 

[hostros7]

I'll show myself out.

This offense needs to unleash the fury anyways. This weak hitting shit is tied as  fuck.

[HudsonHawk]

B4:

Tucker, hacking at everything in his eyes, strikes out swinging
Marwin flies out F8 on a spectacular over the back catch by Santana!
Valbuena strikes out swinging

3-1 Twins

[HudsonHawk]

Why the fuck is Keuchel still out there?

[juliogotay]

Why the fuck is Keuchel still out there?

Because he needs to figure it out.

[HudsonHawk]

Because he needs to figure it out.

So just let him keep throwing and throwing and throwing and throwing...after 46 fucking pitch innings?  He's clearly laboring hard.  Do you just hate Keuchel's arm?

[HudsonHawk]

A couple of singles, then a hellacious drive up the Hill, plates two more and Keuchels is mercifully allowed to call it a night.  Fields in...Twins up 5-1

[hostros7]

Let's hope this is the nadir.


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[HudsonHawk]

T5:

Keuchel inexplicably still in this game...

Dozier bunt single
Mauer flies out F9 to deep RF
Sano singles to RF, Dozier to 2B
Park hammers a triple to deep CF, Dozier scores, Sano scores

Finally...Keuchel out...Fields in

Escobar pops out F2 behind the plate
Rosario flies out F7 on the first pitch

5-1 Twins because apparently Hinch didn't see the 4th inning.

[David in Jackson]

I thought this game tonight (w Keuchel, against weak MN team, long home stand) would be when the season turned around. Boy this team sucks.

[chuck]

Let's hope this is the nadir.

After employing a little technical analysis I will be opening a bear put spread.

[HudsonHawk]

Murphy tossed for turning around and arguing the 1-2 pitch to Altuve.

[MusicMan]

They're getting squat from 1B, squat from 3B, squat from catcher, squat from CF and squat from DH.

You forgot the entire starting rotation.

[chuck]

This fat fucker's strike zone is a joke.

[David in Jackson]

No way Keuchel should have come out for the 5th.

[MusicMan]

If this is what we can get from Keuchel, we're fucked.


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[HudsonHawk]

If this is what we can get from Keuchel, we're fucked.


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It was one of those night...tight zone, couldn't find it...it happens.  Allowing him to come out for the 5th was insane. 

[HudsonHawk]

Springer Dinger!

[HudsonHawk]

B5:

Castro strikes out swinging

With Altuve at the plate, catcher Murphy ejected...Suzuki in for the Twins...

Altuve strikes out looking
Springer homers to RF
Correa takes a meatball for strike one, swings at one that would have hit him in the face, rolls out 3U

5-2 Twins

[MusicMan]

It was one of those night...tight zone, couldn't find it...it happens.  Allowing him to come out for the 5th was insane.

The problem is that he's had several of those nights.

[HudsonHawk]

The problem is that he's had several of those nights.

Yeah, pitching is hard.  Those last two runs are on Hinch though.  This game should be 3-2.

[juliogotay]

The problem is that he's had several of those nights.

Yes. He is nowhere close to where he was last year.

[Arky Vaughan]

I don't think I've ever seen a comparable combination of underachievement, bad luck and sheer suck assembled in such a toxically combustible way. It's like a cat vomit and dog turd smoothie garnished with pubes and nail-clippings to give it a stringy and crunchy mouth-feel. The BBGs can go f*ck themselves.

[homer]

a trip to Houston is just what the scuffling twins needed.

[HudsonHawk]

T6:

Suzuki strikes out swinging
Nunez homers off the tracks
Santana pops out F5, as Valbuena trips over the mound...hangs on
Dozier grounds out 4-3

6-2 Twins

[MusicMan]

So... Who's ready for another #1 draft pick?


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[Arky Vaughan]

So Ashby says he can't wait to see McCullers back. At the rate this team is going, McCuller's arm will fly off with the fucking ball on his first delivery to the plate.

[HudsonHawk]

That little fucker pouring orange juice into the fish bowl is back. Shit.

[MusicMan]

So Ashby says he can't wait to see McCullers back. At the rate this team is going, McCuller's arm will fly off with the fucking ball on his first delivery to the plate.

I can't read this without thinking of Dave Dravecky.

[MusicMan]

That little fucker pouring orange juice into the fish bowl is back. Shit.

Fucking salt in the wound.

[Arky Vaughan]

So... Who's ready for another #1 draft pick?


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At this point, whomever they draft will probably have undisclosed leprosy and infect the entire organization next spring. Digits and limbs will end up splayed across the new training facility.

[Arky Vaughan]

I can't read this without thinking of Dave Dravecky.

I guess I'm on that theme tonight. I've got a ball Dravecky signed outside the visitors bus at the Dome a year or two before he lost the arm. Maybe I need to take that out and use it as a talisman.

[Arky Vaughan]

Fucking salt in the wound.

Make that little fucker drink a cup of that shit. He won't do it again.

[austro]

Fucking salt in the wound.

At least he's not sending any Tex Messages. Yet.

[MusicMan]

This team needs a Melisandre level slump buster.


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[HudsonHawk]

I can't read this without thinking of Dave Dravecky.

I was on the field when a teammate broke his arm throwing a ball.  He wasn't pitching, he was playing RF, and threw a ball back in then started running off the field.  I didn't hear it from behind the plate, but the second baseman and first baseman said they heard it snap.  *shudder*

[austro]

This team needs a Melisandre level slump buster.

Red Inning.

[hostros7]

Abad is in. Nastros cosmos may implode


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[hostros7]

a trip to Houston is just what the scuffling twins needed.

Step 1 may be to find that poor bastard who face planted down the aisle during the Inning  that Shall Remain Unnamed against the Royals and then work backwards.

[HudsonHawk]

B6:

Rasmus carved up on three straight pitches...his third punch out on the night
Gattis...3-0...3-1...3-2...walks


That's all for Barrios...our old friend Fernando Abad in...

Tucker...full count...grounds into FC, Gattis out 3-5 (shift was on)
Marwin grounds into FC, Tucker out 4U at 2B

6-2 still

[The Spleen]

So last year was basically the 2003 Royals, just with a second wildcard spot on the table.

Watching Springer get traded to the National League and hit 578 homers in the playoffs next year is going to suck, but I'm sure I'll forget all about it after the World Series championship in 2027...

[juliogotay]

I don't think I've ever seen a comparable combination of underachievement, bad luck and sheer suck assembled in such a toxically combustible way. It's like a cat vomit and dog turd smoothie garnished with pubes and nail-clippings to give it a stringy and crunchy mouth-feel. The BBGs can go f*ck themselves.

Looks like we'll be sellers rather than buyers at the deadline this year. Maybe Luhnow can get something for Gattis and some pitchers.

[juliogotay]

I forgot Feliz was on the big club. He's showing a pretty good slider that I don't remember.

[HudsonHawk]

T7:

Feliz in

Mauer lines out to LF
Sano strikes out swinging
Park strikes out swinging

6-2  Twins

[HudsonHawk]

B7:

White, pinching hitting for Valbuena...taps a slow roller to SS, 6-3
Castro...3-0...3-1...fouls offs ball four...strikes out swinging

That's all for Abad...Fien in

Altuve doubles to LCF
Springer flies out F7

6-2 Twins

[HudsonHawk]

B8:

Someone strikes out swinging, but Brown and Ashby babbling about Roger Clemens instead of calling the game
Rosario...full count...strikes out swinging
Suzuki...3-0...pops out F4

6-2 still

[HudsonHawk]

B8:

Pressly in for the Twins

Correa pops out F4 on the first pitch
Rasmus grabs the Golden Sombrero on the ol' 58 footer
Gattis strikes out swinging

To the 9th...6-2 Twins

[WVastro]

I don't think I've ever seen a comparable combination of underachievement, bad luck and sheer suck assembled in such a toxically combustible way. It's like a cat vomit and dog turd smoothie garnished with pubes and nail-clippings to give it a stringy and crunchy mouth-feel. The BBGs can go f*ck themselves.

I figured at this point I've served my banishment it's no longer completely my fault....

I especially like the "mouth feel" bit.

[WVastro]

This team needs a Melisandre level slump buster.


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Maybe they need to feed Gattis's beard shavings to the flame.

[HudsonHawk]

T9:

Giles in...

Nunez strikes out swinging
Santana flies out F8
Dozier strikes out swinging

8-pitch inning....to the Astros last at bat...down four...

[HudsonHawk]

B9:

Jepsen in

Tucker grounds out 6-3
Marwin flies out at the pole in RF
White...3-0...3-1...walks
Castro singles up the middle, White to 3B
Castro moves to 2B
Altuve grounds out 6-3

Astros go down 6-2

[chuck]

I especially like the "mouth feel" bit.

OutSTANding. It sort of seemed like Arky might have been indulging in those $18 beers and when I spotted the fellow with the popcorn tub rally hat I thought, A HA! But no, sadly, he turned and I got a side profile. No Arky sightings tonight in TV Land. The way the team is playing if Arky for whatever reason continues to go to the games sightings will become more and more likely.

So think twice before putting that popcorn tub on top of your coconut.

[Arky Vaughan]

Looks like we'll be sellers rather than buyers at the deadline this year. Maybe Luhnow can get something for Gattis and some pitchers.

The only thing Luhnow will get for Gattis and our pitchers is STDs. And maybe rug burn on his knees.

[Arky Vaughan]

OutSTANding. It sort of seemed like Arky might have been indulging in those $18 beers and when I spotted the fellow with the popcorn tub rally hat I thought, A HA! But no, sadly, he turned and I got a side profile. No Arky sightings tonight in TV Land. The way the team is playing if Arky for whatever reason continues to go to the games sightings will become more and more likely.

So think twice before putting that popcorn tub on top of your coconut.

My fat ass will be there tomorrow night in the second row up the right field line by the Texas Lottery ad. I may or may not wear a bucket on my head. A brown paper bag might be more appropriate.

Which brings me to an admission: almost everything I've ever invested money in over my lifetime has turned to absolute shit in very short order. So I'm a dumbass who decided last September to buy season tickets to get playoff seats for last year and future years as the team blossomed into a perennial postseason participant. Now that I've sunk cash into four seats, you can bet your ass that the team will be bad enough to ensure that I've got to choose for the next 65 or so home games to sit through the nightmare, sell the tickets on StubHub for a fraction of what I've paid or just pretend I bought several G's of Enron stock that's gone up in smoke.

[chuck]

If it's Enron stock I believe it would have gone up in polesmoke.












Neck.

[JimR]

If it's Enron stock I believe it would have gone up in polesmoke.

I would nominate this if there were such a thing.












Neck.

[homer]

Step 1 may be to find that poor bastard who face planted down the aisle during the Inning  that Shall Remain Unnamed against the Royals and then work backwards.

That old man sitting next to him was quite irrational in the aftermath. Perhaps he saw into the future at what misery that drunken bastard had wrought.

[Arky Vaughan]

I would nominate this if there were such a thing.

I agree, Coach.

[Mr. Happy]

This was vintage Keuchel circa 2012-13. Get behind by nibbling. Have to come in and get shelled. His WHIP is back up to where it was in those early years.

[Jacksonian]

This was vintage Keuchel circa 2012-13. Get behind by nibbling. Have to come in and get shelled. His WHIP is back up to where it was in those early years.

He's up in the zone way too much to be successful.