My wife sent me to the grocery store last weekend, to find her some "women's multiple vitamins." It had not occurred to me before that vitamins - multiple or otherwise - were separated by gender, but I guess it makes sense, if you think about it.
But that is not the half of it. I went in the Kroger pharmacy thing, and spent the next 10 to 15 minutes trying to find a.) multi vitamins; b.) for women; that c.) WEREN'T FUCKING GUMMI BEARS! What the hell is going on? Did I miss something? Almost the entire ADULT section of vitamins were FUCKING GUMMI SOMETHING-OR-OTHER!! What the hell? Have we become so degraded and enfeebled as a culture that now we have to gum our saccharine sweet vitamins like children? FUCK!
Anyway, I finally found swallowable women's multi vitamins for my wife. She is now happy. And energetic. She will be buzzing around me this weekend, dusting the end tables and straightening up magazines and shit. While I sit in my recliner, choking on my beer, watching the Astros lose and lose and lose once again.
I have to admit, I volunteer teach 4th to 5th graders at our church, all boys. Not that I drew the short straw or anything, less anyone feel sorry for me. No, It is because I have now become a volunteer of reknown in the church going culture when it comes to children's programs because I have lasted as a volunteer teaching boys of that age for longer than two weeks. In fact, I've done it for 10 years now, a record that when mentioned in said church going circles makes Men smile and Women swoon. The secret of my success in teaching these unruly tikes? You would think I would say to please wean them of sugar products in order for me to be able to keep their attention, but NOOOOO... just the opposite.
I give my props to gummy bears. Lots and lots of gummy bears. Each week, in order to teach these kids, I make it a contest betwix them all, sometimes 4th against 5th graders, sometimes a mix team, and other times captain's choice teams. Either way, it's a very interactive teaching method. A method that would not work without some sort of reward. Toys? No, won't work. Food? Yes, that works. What kind of food? Candy... Yes! Wait, what kind of candy. To a man.. errr... kid, the choice is always "Gummy Bears!!!" (and not the sugarless kind, that won't work, plus the cleansing effect is taboo). Weird how that works out, I give them a choice and they all choose the same candy product every year. I think they talk to each other and some will even request to be in my class. At least I know this to be true from one now teenager who told me his kid brother is bummed because they put him in a different class than mine. "He was looking forward to the gummy bears each week".
Last week, one kid was walking past me with his family. He saw me the last minute and shouted "Hey look, it's the Gummy Bear Man!" and rushed over to give me a high five. His Dad winked at me, his Mom smiled, and his older sibilings just gave the typical "Whatever" look. Gummy Bears. Hmmmm... so innocent and childlike... maybe the Astros are on to something here.
Because you know, they have no chance of winning any road games ever again this season. None, nada, ziltch, zippo!
