Domingo! Domingo! Domingo! Saludarse sus manos con el diablo!
Have you ever dreamed of having (or possibly sharing) a luxurious vacation property just outside New Braunfels, Texas? Did you ever want to watch naked college student who are much prettier than you floating through your backyard as you trade them BBQ for tits? No? That's good, because our Riverhaus is not exactly what you'd call luxurious and is NOT on the section of the Guad that floaters go through; trampling through your backyard and teaching your kids how to get pregnant. BUT IT COULD BE YOURS!
Alkie, what are you talking about?
I'll tell you, pardner. It seems that driving from Houston to New Braunfels is a bit easier to do than driving from Manhattan to New Braunfels. Despite my insistence to my wife that we would continue to fly back to San Antonio to use our Riverhaus, it's clear we really won't. Ever. So basically, I'm paying $1190/mo for the world's largest storage area. With 100 feet of Guad frontage!
Yes sir.
Alkie, we still don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
That's not news. But what is news is that we're basically being forced to sell the Riverhaus, along with one full acre of Guadalupe River fronting property, literally at the end of a private dirt road. Not one car will drive past your house (unless that person is seriously fucking lost). You get 104 feet of frontage on the Guad below the city, but above Lake McQueeney. Want to drop a tube in and just hang out? You can do that, because in your backyard you have the best of both worlds; flowing river on the right and peaceful lagoon on the left. Want to float down to the waterfall at the end of our block? Drop in on the right, take your favorite cooler and adult flavored beverage and take the 45 minute float. Want to sit in your backyard in a toob with a cooler and yell at your kids to take that thing out of the dog? Drop in on the left and just float around in a small circle in your lagoon.
But Alkie, my kids hate fun and I can't bring myself to enjoy Central Texas without BBQ.
No hay problemo, amigo! I spent $1,800 building a military weapons grade smoker on the premises. With up to 32 feet of smoking space (no shit) and enough room for a whole hog without all that creepy tying its head behind its ass stuff you see in the city. Granzin's Market sells all your favorite cuts of meat just 8 minutes away. Want to go into town to eat? You're 9 minutes from Seguin and 7 minutes from New Braunfels. Want to go into SA for the day because your miserable fucking kids just have to go to the Riverwalk (no relation to Riverhaus)? 35 minutes on either I-10 or I-35. Also, there's about 3/4s of a cord of pecan/oak/mesquite seasoned in the garage, which you inherit. It's seasoned for two years and ready to use.
So, like, what kind of condition is this house exactly?
Uh, yeah, about that. We decided to move to NYC in the middle of the remodel, so here's the deal. The structure is completely in place and all the walls and doors are there. Plumbing and electric are 100% done. It probably needs to be painted a different color and we still need to trim the walls, but that's it. The house was built in 1960, completely remodeled in 2007, and includes both a 2 car garage and a very large storage shed. The septic tank is (or at least was, last time we were there) in perfect working shape. The water pump (that's right, did I mention you'll never pay a water bill?) is only a few years old and kicks ass. Make no mistake, this house is exactly what it is. It's a place to go for the weekend, track mud around, let the kids run loose, and then, on Sunday, hose down and leave until next Friday. It's not a fishing cabin, but it's not the sort of place I'd buy for my parents either (or even for someone I like). It's a weekend vacation house. Period.
But what about rednecks? Who will protect my investment all week?
Glad you asked. You're bookended by a pair of brothers. On this side, you got Paul. He's a printer from Houston who retired out here about a decade ago. Sweet, sweet fellow who honestly doesn't seem to get what "retirement" means. If he's not taking down a tree or building a fence for you, he's helping fix your car or tending to the pit. On that side, you have Jimmy and his wife. Want the weird part? Jimmy and Paul are brothers. They couldn't afford the property we have, so they took the smaller lots on either side and figured that was close enough. Jimmy currently does our yard for us and is the one with the shotgun that questions anyone that might wander onto our property. In 3 years, it hasn't happened once, but at least you know he's there.
But is it quiet and peaceful out in the middle of Central Texas?
The week we moved in, three years ago, we woke up one night to Jimmy shooting an armadillo in his wife's garden. Since then, never once been woken up by neighbors, music, gunfire, etc. Frankly, that shocked me, but it is the truth.
Uh huh, so...how much is this place?
Oh man, am I glad you asked. Here's the entire deal. We bought this place in April of 2007 for $155,000 and have since put about another $20k into it (tearing out a wall so you could actually see the fucking river from the kitchen, putting in a new kitchen from floor to ceiling, running new pipes in some places, running entirely new electrical to the main part of the house, re-do-ing the sun room where you sit and watch the river with the windows open and mudproofing the floors throughout). I still don't understand why the last people had carpet in a kid's room at a river property, but hey, if you like cleaning mud our of carpet, you're free to lay some down. We'll throw in a $2,300 Cub Cadet riding lawn mower (and yes, it kicks ass, even your fat, gay, lazy Jew husband will look forward to mowing the yard on this thing) as well as the brand new, literally never used $1,000 6 person boat with brand new trolling motor. One of our dumber stories -- we bought the boat 6 hours before Continental Airlines emailed us that they had a last minute $240 per person sale to Paris last year; the trip that prompted us to move to NYC a month later. If you want us to leave all the 3 year old appliances (new washer/dryer, new refrigerator, one 50 inch HD TV, and brand new IKEA sink) or any of the furniture that we bought and that is in pristine (really) condition, it's yours as part of the package. Saves me from having an estate salesdude come jerking me around on it all. We're asking $130,000 to just get out from the remaining loan. Don't want to drop that kind of coin on a weekend place? Certainly there must be 2-3 people/families on this board that would be thrilled to go in on this on a partnership deal. It ain't like you're going to be using the thing EVERY weekend anyway. Also, I can tell you from experience that this will easily sleep 7 adults and as many kids are willing to sleep on sleeping bags. HINT: It's an outstanding place for you all to flee to during the next Ike. Two families of 4 could easily use the house at the same time. Easily.
Why so cheap?
#1 - I'd rather sell this without having to hire one of the dipshit realtors there. That saves me $13,000 right there (off what we were going to ask $145,000 for).
#2 - like I said, we'll never use the house again, so trying to make a huge profit seems fairly stupid. I just want to pay off my mortgage and stop paying an electric bill on a house to keep my old furniture cool in summer and warm in winter.
Is this for real?
Unfortunately, yes. For $65,000 each for two families or $130,000 total for one, you can have a pretty fucking sweet weekend/summer pad. You can fish in your backyard for gigantic Boss Level sized catfish, white bass, perch, bluegill for the kids, and (no fucking shit) tilapia; which the army stocked in our part of the river to eat algae 10 years ago. Across the river from you is a wall of ancient trees that is behind a golf course. There is literally no noise and the only people you'll see on this part of the river are your neighbors fishing or pleasure cruising/floating. THIS PROPERTY HAS NEVER FLOODED. Not once. Not even in 1998. Your neighbors can't WAIT to remind you that their houses did, but yours didn't because it's at the top of a hill.
How much does it really cost to buy/maintain this place?
This is exactly what I spent, but remember that I kept internet and DirecTV up there full time. My mortgage on $155,000 with 20% down came out to $1,190/mo (which includes taxes, home insurance, flood insurance, and other escrow). I pay $45/mo for broadband internet, $39/mo for DirecTV (dish is in place and cables run), about $80/mo during the summer for electric and $30/mo in the winter. Water is free, waste water is free. Trash, if you don't want to just take everything back home on Sunday, is $80 per quarter and picks up every Monday. You avoid city taxes because you're in an unincorporated area, but get to use both GuadCounty sheriff and New Braunfels police/fire. Seriously, we spent more on raw meat and Shiner than we did on utilities.
What else do I need to know about this place?
The brothers on either side take care of the place for us with a smile while we're not in town and we've never returned to find our house in any condition other than exactly how we left it. Heat and a/c work perfectly and the real oddity of the house is that the only access to the attic-space (not a real attic) is through the air vent on the side of the house. From April through October, you'll have to mow every 3 weeks. During winter, not at all. You get fireflies, a family of golden eagles lives in your backyard on a 100+ year old sycamore, and you seriously can't beat sitting out till 1am, drinkin' Shiner on the top of your hill, listening to the river below you and feeling the Central Texas breeze.
I know everyone says this when they're selling something, but I mean it...I hate to see it go. I always figured we'd be back in Texas eventually and I'd be glad we sat on it. My wife has finally convinced me otherwise, so we might as well sell it. PM me if you're interested.
