Happy Stupidest Non-Holiday of the Year! I know what would kick some ass. What if the greeting card companies and credit card companies got together and made up a completely meaningless holiday in the middle of summer break. I mean, sure, I really enjoyed sitting in someone else's lap at breakfast because all the fucking tables were taken and oh yes, I really enjoyed the wait at our Sunday brunch deli that we've yet to wait at before, but god knows men, grown men, need a day to receive cards and presents.
Isn't that was every fucking day of the year is for? Look, Daddy should get the first ten minutes of every day for blowjobs, get to choose the dinner spot, get to watch the game in fucking peace, and get to buy whatever nonsense gadget he wants regardless of what made up holiday it is. That goes for mom's too, but with a rimjob instead of a blowjob and accessories instead of stereo equipment. I don't like any holiday, but especially the made up ones. Mother's Day. Father's Day. Valentine's Day. My Anniversary.
At least I got sweet fucking hat out of it.
So on to the update.
- Did you know there are restaurants in NYC? A few, yes. We've got our neighborhood French place, our neighborhood Belgian place, our neighborhood country Italian place, our dog place, our fruit stand, our ale house, our diner, and our deli. All within 3 blocks of our apartment. It really is going to take 10 years to discover the neighborhoods in NYC and even then, we'll have to start over since all the neighborhoods will change.
- I witnessed my wife lay a rug (I mean like one of them wall to wall jobbies) with the rug mat underneath it. By herself. Flat, perfectly cornered. But that's not what was amazing about it; she did it without once throwing anything or hitting anything. Sometimes I wonder what we have in common. I guess she must have learned this shit while sitting around on her ass all week, eating bonbons and drinking rum while I'm down at the bacon factory. Good to see she picked something valuable up.
- Street Festival! On our street. 10am to 6pm. Gyros (incorrectly pronounced here for some reason), Trini food (not actually made by Trinis), Jewelry for $2, and yes, I bought a hat. The kind your grandfather wore. I look even sexier in it than I thought. Damn shame about me being a giant fatass.
- I look like someone. Did I already tell you this? Twice a day, minimum, someone stops and stares at me. Sometimes, they give a shot to the ribs to their hubby and do the "who is that??" thingy. If you know who these people think I am, PM me. I'm dying to start giving autographs at $5/piece. My theory, which I may have told you, is that I'm clearly just Jewish enough to live on the Upper West Side, just fat enough to clearly be important or I would have been forced out of my high profile job years ago, and wear somewhat hip clothing that says "that man doesn't wear a suit but makes enough to be in this neighborhood, he must be in one of the lazier, high paying industries." I just hope it gets me laid. Oh, and my new hat should help people think "who is that sexy, confident, overweight, soft jawed Jew?"
- Sunday brunch, we have our place. Barney Greengrass. Obvious? Maybe. So your grandfather got lox from there? Yes he did. But you think you've put something in your mouth that tastes better than my hot gooey man-ness? You have if you've eaten the salmon pastrami at Barney's. I'm going to just start endorsing my paychecks over to Barney and eat their liver, bialys, and salmon pastrami for my meals. I'll lose the weight in no time.
- I had my first truly awkward celebrity moment. Have you ever run into an actress you've jerked off to? Me either. Until this week. And it's weird because you want to run up to her and thank her for "that time" or ask her if her hand is still cramped or see what she's doing for the next 4 minutes. I don't remember her having a husband or child in my tug fantasy, but she seemed to have one of each in the restaurant. She looked different with out all the semen on her face.
- I figured out why women on the subway are inherently sexy. It's the way they wrap their hands around the pole. It totally makes you think about that time your dick was made of stainless steel. In college.
- It's rained 16 of 21 days since we've been here and you'd think these people had never seen water before. It's all everyone talks about as if we'd just spent (and I'm making this up) 3 weeks without electricity or a/c, no trash pickup, trees everywhere, and neighbors threatening each other in the streets. I can't imagine a natural disaster that would creat such conditions, but you'd think we were experiencing that right now here in NYC. For the record, I've had to use my umbrella all of 3 times.
- The Village feels very European to me. Stuff on top of stuff. People on top of people. No bras. No shaving. No deodorant. Men wearing pastels. Good food. Creative people drowning half their brains with drugs. I love it.
- Are you a Democrat registered in Manhattan? This woman REALLY wants to know.
- For a city that prides itself on such great deli, we've yet to find a single deli that is better than Kenny and Ziggy's in Houston. I don't mean we haven't found a better sandwich (2nd Ave's pastrami), or better kosher dogs (Artie's), or better lox (Barney Greengrass). But one place to get consistantly awesome deli? Not yet. K&Z are both from here, so why they don't move back or at least open a K&Z in Times Square is beyond me. They'd be trillionaires.
- NY Pizza vs Chicago Pizza. I've decided after decades of preferring Chicago Pizza that they're just not the same thing. It's like comparing escargot to Snickers bars. Chicago pizza is a fucking meal. NY pizza is a snack.
- Next person that complains to me directly about having to wait a whole six minutes for the next subway train gets a one way ticket to San Antonio. You want to see what time wasted on public transportation is like? I'll show you. 6 minutes for a train that takes you from your house to any other destination in the city is a fucking luxury. Oh, and what? It's free once you purchase your Metrocard? I've never actually used this phrase before, but WFW.
- Metrocard. I didn't even know what it was 6 months ago, but I can tell you this...if someone decides to mug me, they can have my Blackberry, they can have my cash, they can take my ID. But if you mess with my pre-paid Metrocard, I will pull out your lungs with my thumbs and cram them where your eyes used to be in your skull, fucko.
- Dogs in purses. Hadn't seen a single one. Til we went to the East Side yesterday. Saw 2 in the first 3 minutes. You people are sick.
- I get that people are just trying to keep the prices low, and I'm for that, but it's 2009. Start taking credit cards. You honestly wouldn't believe how many places in NYC do not take credit cards.
- Oh man do NYers work hard! 24 hours a day. City that never sleeps, you know? People working so hard they jump out of windows and shit. Bullllllllshit. I work in an office with 17 businesses on my floor. I usually show up around 9:30am, a solid hour and a half later than I used to show up in Houston (that's not adjusting for the time change; 30 minutes later in real time). How many of the hard working NY businesses do you think are already open for business when I get there at 9:30? How about 1. A forex guy who gets there at 7am. When I leave at 4:30pm to catch my train, how many people are already gone for the day? All but 3. I think people perpetuate this as one of those grand NYC myths to scare people into not moving here. Oh yeah, and it's dangerous. Don't move here.
- Friday is InfoBooth Day. Do I look like a local? I must. Because on Friday, the tourists come to town and I apparently look like the sort of person you'd ask for directions in a subway station. Every Friday, like clockwork. From the old Russian couple to the gaggle of hot chicks from CT. If the blue eyed brunette wants to know how to get from Times Square to my apartment, it's the C to 86th (A if the C is still under construction).
- For as large as everyone talks about NYC being, only 1.5 million actually live in Manhattan, and that includes Harlem and Inwood. Truth is, this place feels smaller than El Paso ever did (strictly speaking size wise). I feel like I see the same 50-or-so people every single day. You NEVER feel lost in a sea of people. I felt a shitload more crowded in West Campus in Austin than I have here. At least people here are incredibly considerate about your personal physical space and personal noise space. I have NOT ONCE, not even on a weekend during the afternoon, heard a radio of any kind on the Upper West Side. All parties are self contained and there is clearly an unwritten rule about not spoiling anyone else's fun while creating your own.
- The woman in the building next to us with the incredible cans? We may be the only apartment high enough in the area to see through your bathroom window and for that I owe you a lobster dinner. Even my wife thanks you for not being ugly. Keep on showering twice a day (or shitting without your top on, whatever the deal is).
