By Craig the Bastard
DISCLAIMER ? I know fuck-all about the American League.
The American League is like the hayseed cousin you see every summer. You know you should pay attention and be interested in what they?re doing, but you really don?t give a shit. Unless they have big tits, like Boog Powell.
So I?m just going to look up an AL preview online somewhere and then rattle off some smartass comments. If any of you really give a shit about the American League, you already know more about it than I do anyway. I?m just the Designated Shitter.
AL East
Baltimore Orioles ? With Corky?s bat and Palmeiro?s boner pills, it makes you wonder if anyone on this team is swinging real lumber. Except Tejada, I mean.
Boston Red Sox ? The fucking curse is over so now maybe their fans can STFU and GBTW. But they won?t. Meanwhile, the Sox have all those busty hitters, but they lost Pedro. They picked up WaMi to shoulder some of that load. So good luck with that.
New York Yankees ? Now they have the Sea Hag to go with the Witch. But I think the ball-crushing defeat in the playoffs last year will start the Yankees? own curse. They?ll still win the division and all, but they?ll lose in the first round.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays ? Supposed to be ?young and exciting? this year. Which means they still have to toss salad for the Yankees and Red Sox, but they get compliments for their youthful enthusiasm.
Toronto Blue Jays ? Could suck-start a Harley.
AL Central
Chicago White Sox ? They picked up Scott Podsednik, so at least we don?t have to deal with that little shit anymore. ?Clubhouse Cancer? A.J. Pierzynski metastasized to Chicago. He?s already offered $100 to anyone who hits a home run off Brett Tomko. But don?t worry ? ?Cool Hand? Carl Everett will keep things calm in Comiskey with his steady veteran influence.
Cleveland Indians ? Scott Elarton is pitching here, and Jeriome Robertson isn?t. They also have a guy named Jhonny Peralta. No siht, Sehrlcok.
Detroit Tigers ? May not suck so much. But probably will.
Kansas City Royals ? Their young up-and-coming third baseman, Mark Teahen, has a clear shot now that veteran stalwart Chris Truby is sidelined. Lima Time is here too, so at least there will be dancing.
Minnesota Twins ? They have the Cy Young winner and look like the division winners again. I guess. I don?t think I?ve ever seen them play.
AL West
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim ? Pick a fucking name already.
Oakland Athletics ? According to their depth chart, the A?s will have Danny Haren as their #3 starter, and Kirk Saarloos as #5. Suck Alert level: Orange.
Seattle Mariners ? Added Adrian Beltre and Richie Sexson to go with Ichiro and Bret Boone. But Jamie Moyer is the staff ace.
Texas Rangers ? Reeshard landed in Arlington this year, but he should have brought some pitching. Still, there are lots of sluggers on this team, so they might match last year?s 89 wins. Doug Brocail is still keeping the team?s HMO deductible high.
AL East Champion ? Yankmes
AL Central Champion ? Twins
AL West Champion ? Angels over Anaheim or whatever the fuck
AL Wildcard ? Red Sox
ALCS ? Red Sox
