A headline I never thought I would read

[Crusher_Joe]

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/sports/bb/5580555.html

I am sensing an update of Funk and Wagner's.

[cougar]

Someone get that man a donut!

So is it "Donut" Matsui or "Preparation H" Matsui for the rest of the season?

[Señor Stan]

Another new Astro with the specter of 'roids looming....

[pravata]

What bothers me about this story is that, orginally, the symptoms lead to a diagnosis of hemorrhoids.  Matsui has had this problem in the past.  However, on further review, it turned out to be something else.  What?! I can't think how those symptoms could lead to a diagnosis of anything better.
http://www.orangewhoopass.com/forums/index.php?topic=105023.0

[strosrays]

What bothers me about this story is that, orginally, the symptoms lead to a diagnosis of hemorrhoids.  Matsui has had this problem in the past.  However, on further review, it turned out to be something else.  What?! I can't think how those symptoms could lead to a diagnosis of anything better.
http://www.orangewhoopass.com/forums/index.php?topic=105023.0

Painful rectal itch.  PRI, in the vernacular.

[Col. Sphinx Drummond]

What bothers me about this story is that, originally, the symptoms lead to a diagnosis of hemorrhoids.  Matsui has had this problem in the past.  However, on further review, it turned out to be something else.  What?! I can't think how those symptoms could lead to a diagnosis of anything better.

I'm would give it much thought but there are degrees of hemorrhoid irritation. From ass itch on to things I don't want to imagine.

[Ty in Tampa]

Painful rectal itch.  PRI, in the vernacular.

That's good jam.

[MusicMan]

That's good jam.

PRI is on that short list with the Holocaust and Abraham Lincoln's assassination of things that just should never be joked about.

[Ty in Tampa]

"Save your breath fella! Here’s a new jam we’ve just put out. It’s called Painful Rectal Itch. You’d have to go a long way to find a worse name for a jam. And good? MMM WAH! With a name like Painful Rectal Itch you gotta bet that it’s great . . .

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/75/75qjam.phtml

[MusicMan]

"Save your breath fella! Here’s a new jam we’ve just put out. It’s called Painful Rectal Itch. You’d have to go a long way to find a worse name for a jam. And good? MMM WAH! With a name like Painful Rectal Itch you gotta bet that it’s great . . .

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/75/75qjam.phtml

Early evidence that Chevy Chase and "funny" were in a short-term relationship.

[Mr. Happy]

Early evidence that Chevy Chase and "funny" were in a short-term relationship.

Actually, it ended with "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not."

[Lefty]

What bothers me about this story is that, orginally, the symptoms lead to a diagnosis of hemorrhoids.  Matsui has had this problem in the past.  However, on further review, it turned out to be something else.  What?! I can't think how those symptoms could lead to a diagnosis of anything better.
http://www.orangewhoopass.com/forums/index.php?topic=105023.0

Sure sounds like 'roids.  Maybe they said it was something else so he wouldn't be the butt of any jokes?

[MusicMan]

Another non-funny injury:

The Cubs have had a variety of injuries this spring. So far, infielder Mark DeRosa was hospitalized with an irregular heartbeat, pitcher Jose Ascanio had a bruised face after getting punched in a robbery attempt, and outfielder Felix Pie missed a couple of days early because of a twisted testicle.

[Froback]

Another non-funny injury:

There are times when I wish we could just go back to the day when they just said stuff like, Pie is out for a couple of days with an undisclosed injury.  Today, only are the specific, but in some cases, they even tell you what that means... I mean, there are somethings I don't want to THINK about, you know?